God has started a revival in my soul...and it hurts

Yesterday was hard. Really hard. I didn't want to be here anymore. Not even necessarily here, Moody, but here, America. I felt for the first time in a long time, not guilty about my desire to be overseas. Could it be that He is preparing my heart? In 54 days I will be on a plane to Africa.

Last night there was a screening of the Invisible Children documentary here at school. After it was over I felt sick at the thought of staying here--on campus, in my room, anywhere. So I left. I went to the chicago/state mcdonald's for almost two hours to read, write, and think. And to get away. It felt good to get away.

I read a lot about hope. I went through the concordance in my Bible and read every entry on hope. Hope is so important. Do we live with hope? Do we live IN hope?

I read through old journal entries. I need to make a better practice of this. I forget things I've been thinking about over the past months. I forget things I've cried out to God for. He is working so much. My hope is revived when I see how he is moving. I forget so easily. What little faith!

I noticed two things in particular while reading. One--I have been asking God an awful lot to give me a sickness of heart that matches that of Nehemiah's for the broken condition of Jerusalem/Israel. I have asked Him to break my heart over the things that break his. Could it be that THAT is the reason I feel so torn up? Or why I feel suffocated when I'm around so much triviality? I wrote in early March that "the things of the world will grow strangely dim..." I think its happening. Wow. Some of this confusion and tension--the disconnect--is because God is dimming the things of the world right before my eyes. He's dimming them in my life as He begins to shine brighter the things that are of lasting importance. I see the light on the horizon. It's on the brink of things. I am waiting. It's hard to wait.

Hebrews 12 has been incredibly powerful right now. I'm running a race. I must have faith, hope, love, peace...Christ initiates and perfects this faith. Wow. Verses 25-29 remind that God is purifying. Verse 11 reminds that this process of disciple is painful. I could have told you that :) Not really...its just a frustrating process sometimes. I think this is because I don't like to think of it as a process. I like to think that soon I will "arrive" at that perfected state. psh. Nope. I think if I had it my way and I did "arrive" I would lose a lot of joy and pleasure. FOR THE JOY SET BEFORE Christ endured the cross. Such hope. Faith in future grace. Work in me for this kind of faith, Jesus!

I had two great conversations last night after my time alone. God gives such good gifts. I am in awe of those He has placed in my life. I am encouraged, challenged, shaken, questioned, loved...toward God. I pray that God would be the center. He is working in so many lives around me. I am astounded.

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"Our young men are going into the professional fields because they don't 'feel called' to the mission field. We don't need a call; we need a kick in the pants. We must begin thinking in terms of 'going out,' and stop weeping because 'they won't come in.' Who wants to step into an igloo? The tombs themselves are not colder than the churches. May God send us forth."
-Jim Elliot

I am going to be honest. I was going to type "I'm sorry ahead of time" but I don't think I actually am. Here it is. I am so sick of hearing these things in response to my decision to go over. And remember, I'm going for 6 months. This really is nothing. People need to MOVE there.

"It takes a special kind of person to do that kind of work. I'm blessed to see God has made you to be that special kind of person."

"God knows I could never do that, but I'm glad you feel called to it."

"Wow. It's neat that this is what you feel God has called you to."

It just makes me feel sort of sick inside.

I know these sorts of things are said by well-meaning people but please, think about these statements. WE ARE ALL CALLED. You either GO and be very serious about it or you stay and SEND and be very serious about it. what else is there and what are we doing about it??

Why are we here? Why are you there, where you are...doing what you're doing? Think about it. This world matters.

I am failing every day at this. I ask the Spirit to hold me up because I am so ridiculously weak. And he reminds me of this: the power that RAISED Christ FROM the DEAD lives in me. Lives in you. What does this MEAN?

The Kingdom of God. What a novel idea. Do I know what it is? Not really. I so desperately want to learn more! It IS the Gospel. Christ's work on earth...the inauguration of the Kingdom. Bring the Kingdom down!! What does it mean?

It means I am a Kingdom worker. It means Christ didn't come simply to die so that I'd be saved and spend eternity with him. He didn't die so that we could exist happily, safely, comfortably, on earth until he comes back (by the way, have you thought about how purposeless this mentality makes life on earth?? No wonder the Church is bored. Where's the excitement, the call the drive the passion the love the ministry?). Why did he die? Who was this Jesus? What work did he leave? What is the Kingdom? What is my job? What is my responsibility? How ought I live? What is my purpose?

Perhaps sometime soon I will post a blog about my thoughts on the Kingdom. I am still learning so much and looking for more...but we've been studying it in Church and that has been incredible. I challenge you to look at it. I challenge you to read the Gospels. Swim in them!
Here's a cool new Piper quote for you: "Don't stop swimming...in strokes of love, of faith, of joy..." He also said:
Loving Christ is experiencing Christ as precious for all of his character and virtue. Trusting Christ is experiencing him as reliable for all that He has promised and for all his counsel. Joy, then, is the deep, strong, and good feeling of believing in him as reliable and loving him as precious.

This has been a bunch of crazy thoughts....but I haven't really posted any original thoughts lately anyway, so maybe it will be a good change. Maybe they don't make much sense. It has been the ramblings of a learning heart...a weak and broken learner, so there you have it! I love you guys. I pray God challenges you today, and every day, to desire more of him and to seek hard after him. I pray Romans 15:13 for YOU. Go and read it. I ask him to use you. That's a scary thing to ask...it requires obedience. Simple obedience (I could write a whole other blog on THIS. oh man. I am thinking way too much :)).

I love you and look forward to seeing some of you soon when I'm back in tucson! Yay. Or maybe for others not for a while. I rest in God's sovereignty. He knows the next time we will meet and I am always eager to hear what is going on in your lives.