do you ponder?

most people know i'm an introspective person. engaging with wee ones all summer has put a hold on my ability to process much at all. i haven't had any alone time. this week, since we don't have campers, i've been able to capture some time alone in thought, prayer, journaling, and reading. It's been really wonderful to begin to process this "strange" summer a little bit before I actually have to leave.

i keep thinking i have to figure out "what God has taught" me this summer or "what he's revealed." maybe because i anticipate the familiar questions, probing lessons learned and growth received over a summer break.

to be truthful, i don't know what God's taught or how he's grown me...or even "if," because i don't necessarily feel it. with this time to "process," I've realized that the past year of my life has been extremely difficult. I even remember having a conversation with a few friends about feeling like I've been living, going, moving, and if I stop, something will catch up with me, though i don't know what. This summer has made me stop. and i think the "something" that has caught up is the realization that this past year has been rough. It's been a hard year of life and faith. in a lot of ways, i feel really hurt, broken, and bruised. As a friend recently acknowledged: "whole new vast areas of God have opened up that i never saw before"but in the midst of this, life has become much less carefree. Faith itself is less carefree.

so i don't really know what things will look like moving forward and on after this summer. i don't really have a clue what God's doing, where He's taking me. i try to live my life out each day--throughout the mundane, because that's where we live. It's hard. the present is so unashamed.

i am grateful, however, that i'm not alone in this. it's good to talk to like-souls that can share similar wonderings.