there is the dream

i really love You've Got Mail. maybe its because i love the colors of New York or the small little "shop around the corner" bookstore. maybe it's because the story is lovely; or because i identify a lot with kathleen kelly (meg ryan's character). i was thinking about this movie yesterday because there is a scene in a restaurant in which kathleen's ex-boyfriend asks, "what about you, is there someone else?" to which she responds, "no. no, but there's the dream of someone else."

i remembered the quote, actually, because i was thinking about traveling, not about a "someone." i took the kids to get their passport pictures taken yesterday and the man asked if i needed mine taken, too. I said, "no." it was as if someone had asked, "what about you, are you going anywhere?" and all I could say was, "No. no, but there is the dream of somewhere." it was the idea of moving on that struck me.

i don't know where my life will take me. i have a lot of dreams for it. sometimes i wonder if i have too many dreams. this makes me think of another scene from You've Got Mail in which kathleen writes,

"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life - well, valuable, but small - and sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."

that's how i feel right now. yesterday in senior sem. i got thinking about the things I enjoy and the things I am "good" at (or growing to be good at). "Regardless of what you really enjoy, what other tools do you see in your toolbox?" This was the challenge. and i thought about my internship...and how freaked out i am about it. because for me, this assignment demands integration of almost everything I've learned here in school. It is a big step "forward" in my heart, mind, and thinking about (my) life. It is learning to "bring thinking through the door, instead of leaving it at the door" (Dr. Schmutzer). It is intimidating and exciting; thrilling and terrifying. It is overwhelming and exhilarating--because I recognize the weight of the issues but also feel the importance of their study and life. sigh. i just need to get the ideas cemented down a bit more--they are too abstract and in my mind, so I get frustrated easily.

my life does feel small. oh so valuable but small. do you ever wonder about your purpose in life? if you are really affecting any great change or promoting good? sometimes i wonder...

(you're going to get sick of this reflective crap, huh? haha. sorry! actually no, i'm really not...there are times in life that are necessary times of reflection and this is one of them. i can't apologize for it).