Late Night Thoughts: Darth Vadar and Generous Living

It's been a bit of a stressful week. Nothing too terrible just a lot hitting me at once. It's pushed me to rely on God...which is a good thing. It seems like it should be an easy thing, right?--relying on someone more sure and sufficient than yourself, wholly in control and at back of things, able to hold things together and keep the "big perspective." But for some reason it isn't easy. Relenting and entrusting is not easy, because I seem to forget that I have lots of other, little gods that I tend to put my trust in--gods that will (and do) let me down, but gods I can see with physical eyes (which often is what entices me). Trusting to see things with the eyes of the soul is a whole different thing. It makes me more alive if I exercise faith, but the "coming to life" means death to other things, like my dependence on and trust in these other little gods I keep around. He takes them away from us to make us more free and alive.

So basically, some of my little gods have been failing me. I find myself left with the Biggest God--the God--and, while definitely more deep-down satisfying, this can be hard. It can be humiliating to admit our need, can't it? It's humbling to repent and, in so doing, to realize that it really is His kindness that has lead us here...to repentance...to the place where true life is found: death to all our little gods and life in the God who knows us best; who provides us with a new way of living--abundant life. Life in God, whose presence is our experience of love and acceptance on the deepest levels.

I've been stressing about my future--where I'm going, what I'm doing, why I'm doing it. I ask questions like: what does God want for/from me? What am I good at? What do I want to do? How should I do it? Where do I start (and have I already "started")? How will I get there? Where is "there," exactly, and how will I know it when it's found? And will it be found?...

I'll be losing one of the families I work for at the end of April. They're moving and I knew it was coming but it has come a little sooner than expected. Things will be a little tight for awhile but mostly I just don't know what type of second job to look for in it's place. Nannying has been difficult but has also brought me great joy. It has proven to be a great experience while providing well for my needs, etc. Now the question is if I should look for another part time nanny job or go for something different. There are many pro's and con's. Somehow I get stuck in them...

I have decided that I'd really like to pursue an ESL certification this year. I've looked into Oxford Seminars in the past and am considering it again. It would be a great experience and would open up a lot of doors for future jobs, ministry, travel, etc. If I could get certified and then work part time at a refugee resettlement agency or something, that would be so cool...

I've also been looking, then, at openings overseas (for teachers, mostly). Could I (should I) work overseas after getting certified? I would love the opportunity. I spent some time researching schools in need of teachers the other day. It got me super excited. I've thought about going overseas for awhile before going to grad school. But maybe not. I could do grad school first. Gah. See what I mean?!

What it always comes back to, though, is the money (and it frustrates me a little that this is what it "comes back to"). What will it cost and how will I finance it? That's always the question in the back of my mind. I feel like I'm trying to learn how to think and dream responsibly but to also be willing to dream ("big") while trusting God to provide, wherever He leads me. He'll provide. He will, right? Well, He always has and He's been reminding me of this a lot recently. It has never been easy to trust Him with/for financial backing, but He's provided in some really unexpected, unique, and miraculous ways over the years...and does still. This is where Darth Vadar comes in :)

Last night my boss called me to see if I could drive C to a bday party in the suburbs today. She has walking pneumonia and needed to rest. Although last minute, it was a HUGE BLESSING and answer to prayer because 1. I really enjoy spending time with those kids and 2. I'll be needing the extra money. I had just talked with mom yesterday about how I'm going to approach the upcoming changes: loss of one job, increase in rent, the hope of saving for the ESL certification (costs $1095), etc. One thing I told her was that, basically, I'm really going to be simplifying: lots of inexpensive foods and very little (to no) "extras" for the next several months. I'll just have enough to cover basic cost of living, bills, school loan, car, etc.

I happily agreed to take C to the party and it turned out to be a really fun day. How couldn't it be--six 6-7 yr old boys at LegoLand? Come on! For example: approximately 30 seconds after the doors opened, they all made a bee-line for the Star Wars display (I swear they have built-in Star Wars radars or something). There was a life-size Lego statue of Darth Vadar and before I knew it one of the little guys was between Vadar's legs looking up shouting, "Look! Darth Vadar's wiener!!" After which all of the little boys huddled around yelling "He has a wiener! Wiener, wiener, wiener! Watch out, Darth Vadar's going to pee on you!"

Really? Ha. You know you're at a boys bday party when...

Needless to say, the afternoon was full of "fun." :) :)

Well, when I got back, not only did this family pay me what they usually do (which is incredibly generous), they also gave me a Starbucks gift card--totally unnecessary but really thoughtful! Lace and I went to Starbucks when I got home, where I found out the card has $50 on it. Yes, 50. As the Barista said, that's a lot of coffee. Later, my mom reminded me of our conversation yesterday in which I expressed my concern and anxiety about the upcoming months and the "loss" of money for virtually all extras. "There you go, Andrea. Your money for coffee dates and 'extras' for the next several months." She's right (she's good at reminding me of things I've prayed or said that for some reason I quickly forget. I'm grateful for her, always helping me make the connections). Really, God? Seriously, generosity and provision come from unexpected places and usually when I am so unsuspecting. Even though I've been praying for the courage to say every day "Ok God, you are my provider and I am trusting you," He still surprises me. Maybe I just doubt that faith the size of seeds can really move mountains. Lord, help my unbelief.