my nephew is the cutest

no apologies

so i really didn't get any homework done this weekend. it's ok, though. i make no apologies. you know those times when you just can't really get it done, other things that are more important to you come up, you need a break, and its ok...? yeah, it's been one of those weekends.

melissa came over saturday night. we ended up sleeping out in the living room together and talking into the wee hours of the morning. with lacy's half marathon to drive to in the morning (WOO!) we got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. i still haven't taken a nap (yawn). but it was so so good to talk with her. it was good to listen and be listened to. it was good to give and receive advice. it was good to give and receive prayer. again, it's a theme, i am blessed by wonderful friends.



lacy ran well and finished 13.1 miles!!!!! SHE RAN A HALF MARATHON!! everyone came over here for lunch and then i went on a long walk. i sat in lincoln park by myself, read some psalms, thought about life, prayed for awhile, thought some more, and walked back. i called hallie on the way back--it had been waaay too long since we've talked. sigh, i miss her friendship close to me. it was good to catch up. I ended up in washington park where there was an art/craft show. i walked by the booths and then headed back home. sometimes those long walks are the best kind of breather.

tonight we watched state of play. good movie.

tomorrow is monday--and my first day at the new job. I'm a little nervous but also excited.

it's a new week.

you know what? I've been looking forward to my bedtimes. you know why? I've started using that "before I go to bed" time to write prayers. it's been good to cleanse and close my days in this way. hm...

we wrestle to let go
we wrestle to let go of our lives
we want to believe that our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
we want to be sure we know how it will all "work out"
but then the silence
we wrestle to let go
in the silence we don't know if our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
in the silence we don't know how it will all work out
and we wrestle to let go

(goodnight)

"skinny love" on a saturday morning

hearing this song brings back so many memories of the summer--rappelling the afternoons away with Duran (while listening to his hysterical stories about 8 year old campers); laughing uncontrollably with Kira; hanging out on the weekends with Phil, Duran, Callie, and Kira; hiking the 14-er; 4th of July with the OC and Saigon Stars; blob wars before banquet; lazy afternoons in a canoe; laughing at campers; mountain air; morning prayer with Kira...the list is endless. that time was sweet.

i slept in today!! woohoo. it felt so good. i then proceeded to make carrot cake pancakes with cream cheese spread. Mmmmm. it was yummy.

last night Kjieri, Wendy, and I went for a long walk down by the lake. It was glorious. we walked out to the end of the pier and sat in the dark for a long time talking about God, life, relationships, growing up...i treasure moments like those. i really appreciate good conversations with friends. I haven't spent much time with the two of them in a long time. it was so nice.

you know what gets me? we talked about this a little last night...what gets me is skewed understandings (or perspectives) of what it "means" to "be a man" (or "be a woman," for that matter). sometimes i get a little weary of the million-and-one requirements we place on each other in Christian circles regarding gender. Yeah, of course there are differences--even "things to look for/desire..." But really. Men have parts that distinguish them as men and women have a whole set of their own. Beyond that there are qualities we look for and desire but I hate when people try to smash the opposite gender into neat categories. What makes a man a man isn't simply his ability to climb mountains and start fires (though these might be desired skills)--kind of like what makes a woman a woman isn't simply her ability to cook and keep house. There is so much that is important--respect, integrity, honesty, tenderness, care, determination, honor, love, humility, and the list goes on--and gets overlooked if people only focus on strict categories of gender (stereotyping!)...(and i'm not talking about roles in marriage and family)

oh well. it bugs me.
and that was my rant for the day :)

i really really really have to do homework. bleh...

i've been having lots of confusing emotions lately. i rather hate confusing emotions. i don't know what to do with them.

you know its a tourist when...

...he's having his kids take pictures of a pigeon. maybe their being in front of the sears tower was also a dead give away. take our pick.

i'm back in chicago. you probably didn't know, i was in cleveland. i stayed the weekend with Sarah and T.J. in their new little apartment. it was wonderful...
saturday morning sleep in and talking at the kitchen table eating Sarah's amazing homemade cinnamon roles and drinking coffee. ah, nothing can beat it! Sarah and i went to the Cleveland Art Institute Sat. evening while T.J. was working. We also watched You've Got Mail which made me wish (among other things) for fall. Mm how I'm growing more and more anxious for sweaters, crisp air, and mugs filled with hot liquids. I hope I am able to get out of the city this year to see some more of the color--maybe collect a few leaves or two. Autumn is my favorite season.
i enjoyed the experience of their church and good conversations about what life after Moody is like--particularly church-culture outside Moody. Thoughts I haven't really had yet, but will (no doubt) in less than a year.
it was great to be away from school, with good friends, just living and relaxing together. it was great to see Sarah and just BE with her. sigh...i'm grateful for my friends.

and now i'm back. i feel rejuvenated, which is nice. my internship proposal was approved on friday, which has generated great excitement, nervousness, and some stress :) It's a rather large undertaking but it also really excites me--which is usually a good combination.

i need to get my clothes out of the dryer. have i ever mentioned how much i love the smell of clean, warm clothes? i do...

weak knees

we tremble before God not because we are afraid of Him, but because we begin to understand that following Him will take us out and away from places to which we cannot [indeed will not; must not] return.
--thoughts from my pastor and echoes of my own heart-realization.

things are looking good for the approval of my internship. i typed up the proposal and meet with the chair of the bible department tomorrow to discuss details...hopefully in the department meeting at the end of september it will be finalized. I haven't wanted to get too excited about it prematurely. it's hard to believe a few weeks ago i had little to no idea what i wanted to do or even a direction to pursue. i've spent the last few days in grateful awe of God's bringing me here--to this place, this time, these moments.

life is such a remarkable gift, do you ever think of that? today i was delighted by Him over and over again. His presence can be so startling and unexpected. its funny how you pray for something day after day after day and if he chooses to break in in a tangible way, it throws you off...even though you've prayed for it. huh...

friends are great

today i got an email from Kira. it was a $10 gift card to itunes and it said, "it's not much but one of the worst parts of no money is no new music--enjoy. i love you sweet thing." haha. to say the least, it made me smile big and miss her MORE than I already do. sigh... the good news is, she's coming to visit in October. Woohoo. the 15-19!!!

i've now purchased a few of Peter Mulvey's new songs. gosh, he's so good. so i'm on the couch (er, i was until i got distracted by my computer)...with a cup of chai tea...and my book. I'm reading The World Must Know--about the Holocaust. Hm. I should probably get back to it.

ciao

cereal from a mug is better

actually, i think anything out of a mug is better. not just the warm liquids (you know the ones: tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cider...) but soups, cereals, and the like.
today i bought three mugs at the salvation army for $1.62. hot deal!
anyway, i'm eating cheerios with banana out of a mug and its absolutely wonderful.

tonight i'm thinking this:
i'm grateful that God doesn't get tired of hearing our prayers the way that we sometimes get tired of praying them (Luke 18:1-8). i thought of this as i walked back from the library--tired, thoughtful, weak (that achy, sick feeling...bleh), and whispering prayers into the dark that i've prayed countless times before. the air was cool and fresh; the moon bright and watchful. i was reminded, again, of Luke 18:1-8. Oh, keep whispering those prayers. Keep on...

oh, pete!

first of all, peter mulvey has a new album out! It's called "Letter from a Flying Machine." From clips, it sounds great. second of all, HE'S COMING BACK TO CHICAGO!! I hope to go. He'll be at Evanston S.P.A.C.E. again--a fabulous show last spring.

today was a great day. psalms class was inspiring and richly terrifying--sometimes i feel like Howard rightly focuses our hearts on the holiness of God. We get close to that holiness and it sometimes evokes a trembling in me.
i also went in to talk with Dr. Schmutzer about life, internship ideas, etc. He was greatly encouraging and we were able to brainstorm about about different possibilities. he's going to help me get something "different" approved by the Bible department. he gave me a few book titles to look into--always an excitement.

the semester is shaping up nicely. classes are really good--especially the holocaust, psalms, and message prep. i'm going to be challenged, stretched, and grown so much by these professors.

tonight Erin made wonderful stir-fry. Justin is coming over for a visit--always fun. I have no homework. i'd like to spend some time journaling and then in bed at an early(ish) hour!

home for a year

Living in jenkins has been glorious. here are the promised pictures (minus the bedroom which is currently messy. and because it's raining and dark, some of these are blurry. sorry). kristen, i think you are the only one that is really interested :)
Also, i put up pictures of the bread bowls--mom also wanted to see them. They turned out super yummy and not bad for a first try. hopefully there will be more, especially when it gets cold. Mmm.
There's something about having SPACE to live in that (1) makes me feel more human (2) inspires me to learn (3) relaxes me. There's something about the ability to BE--on the couch, in the bedroom, taking a shower in the bathroom, in the kitchen--that is much more freeing than being cooped up in a dorm room between the same four walls. We can have people OVER and visit in a "real" living room. I don't know, maybe these are trivial delights but they are nevertheless real. I love the floor to ceiling windows, too. Sigh. I'm blessed. I have thanked the Lord many times for this gift (especially since so much was given or borrowed and we didn't have to spend a ton of money).

Alright. enough babbling. here are the pictures...



oh, so yummy! especially filled with Trader Joe's roasted red pepper tomato soup!!! I LOVE SOUP!!





Well, that's our humble abode! and now i have to go to class :)

simple things

a bowl of granola and cheerios with fresh blueberries and strawberries...followed by a strong cup of hot coffee. i'm grateful for the simple things.

want to share this prayer i came across while reading yesterday. it captures and articulates my heart in these days...

"we would know more of you"

You are the God of all truth, the God of deep hiddenness.
God of all hiddenness who shows yourself in your being hidden,
who hides yourself in your disclosures,
we would know more of you
of your goodness and your mercy,
of your large purposes and long-term dreams.
In your presence we become aware of how little we know of ourselves,
of our interests and passions,
of our fears and dreads,
of our own wonderments and gifts.
In your truthfulness, let us know more of you
and in knowing you, ourselves as well.
We pray in the name of Jesus, where we see you fully,
and ourselves clearly. Amen.

(walter brueggemann)

some days just feel "strange"

and today was one of them.

it was a good day, don't get me wrong. it just had moments of weird or strange.

lunch with the slackline crew--we made mexican and had everyone over to Jenkins. we then went down to the beach but had to set the line up under the trees instead. i couldn't stay long because i had a cocktail part to attend. yes, you read this correctly. it was an "interview" for a nanny job. I'll be working about 10 hrs a week with this really nice family watching the SWEETEST and cutest little girls. They are beautiful and seem really well behaved. i think it will be good. hopefully i'll also be able to pick up more hours through some of her friends. i'm grateful for God's speedy provision of a job.

i went to vespers briefly. i can never seem to stay at events like that long. don't really know why. tonight it just felt so strange...for a variety of reasons that i won't go into with much detail. but i did look at lacy and say "this feels funny. sarah and mariah should be here." tears always seem like they are quick to build up and boil over. so we came back to the apartment and i made coffee while we talked and sat.

later, phil ands kevin came over for a visit. we played a hybrid version of catch phrase, ate cookies, and laughed. it felt good to laugh. it reminded me how much i miss laughing with Kira this summer...
candace visited for awhile, too. it was wonderful.

tomorrow classes start and i can't decide what the heck i'm "feeling" inside. senior year...really no idea of "what's next," the world is open and mysterious and i just don't have any idea. i spent some time this morning journaling, read Psalm 63 (a favorite) and read Brueggemann's prayer "the din undoes us." sometime soon i'll try to post the prayer. it's beautiful, rich, and bold and I love it.

i think my heart is just a conglomeration of thoughts, emotions, and feelings...and i don't really know what to do about it.

this strangeness is a bit frustrating.

i need to take more walks. sometimes i feel like i need a friend to walk with me, though, because if i'm by myself i do too MUCH thinking.

confession

i use men's gillette shaving cream to shave my legs. it might make me smell kind of like a man when i'm done but i don't care. it's a whole lot cheaper than the pink and purple bottles. at least i'm shaving, right? i'm generally highly unmotivated to shower, much less shave. my shower schedule for most of the summer was sunday and thursday. for some reason it's difficult to keep it now that i'm back in "civilization." expectations get to me sometimes...but only sometimes...cuz i'm still using gillette :) You know what? I enjoyed my showers a whole lot more when they were on sunday and thursday. they felt better. hmph. i'm sure there's a theory that could be developed here. hannah? one for the book? :)

the apartment is coming along. i'll post pictures soon--once its more set up and settled. we get our couches and tv today. yesss. I'm enjoying our kitchen very much. maybe too much. is that possible? I've been here for a week and I've made homemade granola, bread bowls (which actually turned out quite well for a first time), and banana bread. that's not to mention good meals. Mmmm. so so good.

i love having a place to BE, and not just one room. This morning i got up early and journaled for an hour in front of our big windows. sigh. it does my soul good :)

students are returning...

its that time of the year again--textbooks! i love it and i hate it. love the books (well, the good ones); hate spending the money (who thinks its a good idea to charge $50 for one freakin' book??!). Now that i've clepped spanish, i can say that i am very excited about my classes (er, maybe not Apologetics). I'm taking...

Apologetics
The Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil in the 21st Century
Message Prep for Women
Cross-Cultural Church Planting
Life in Bible Times
Gospel of John (Independent study)
and i am auditing Psalms with Howard!!!!!!!

Looks like a good load, eh? I'm excited about it.

i need to get going. i hope you're enjoying the sun today! it sure is beautiful.

dreams do come true!! :)

I'm getting my Papa's old film camera! Grandma has been saving it for awhile but is now passing it off. I am SO EXCITED. It looks something like the picture below. If you want, you can read a little more about it HERE.

I CAN'T WAIT! Now maybe I will get to learn how to develop my own film. Mmmm.....

life goes on.

listening to: "See You Soon" by Aaron Espe.

I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I love. Life is full of hard goodbyes. Sarah, Mariah, Kira, Phil, Duran, Callie, Rachel...these are the recent goodbyes that have taken a toll on me. I can't stop thinking about them, wishing them here with me or me there with them, remembering times shared, conversations had, dreams explored and wondered over. Someday...



In a lot of ways, though, it is good to be back. Living in Jenkins is an absolute huge blessing. I feel more like a "real" person (as Tiffany also articulated). We have a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room. We can eat at a table and sit on a couch. I made black bean burritos and sauteed peppers; cooked oatmeal on the stove; took orange juice out of our refrigerator; made coffee on our kitchen counter. I count these things as a huge blessing 1. because i've never had them "on my own" before and 2. because much of the world doesn't experience or enjoy such luxuries. We're blessed here.





I have a picture hanging beside my desk of a young Burmese boy in a refugee camp out to get water. Zach took it in Bangladesh this summer. It has reminded me several times this week that 1. I haven't traveled out of the country in over two years 2. I have prayed many times for those children and in my heart i long to see them where they live someday. I've been thinking more about post-Moody "plans." In part because people have asked (after all, I am going into my final year...) and in part because I just dream. But I'm in a funny place in life right now...almost unable to dream. At least unable to commit to my dreams, which is different than in the past. God taught me some more about living in the present this summer. The hard, unashamed present. Knowing God there (here) and loving Him--living Him--is not easy. No, it's not very easy.



I'm stepping out of a painful and broken season into a whole new unknown season. Funny how life is lived in pieces, isn't it? Here I am, in Chicago, IL, with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of warm green tea. Sometimes I'm caught in moments that demand I ask the question "how did I get here?" God's faithfulness has shown me the way. Even though its been hard to "feel" Him near, as I remember, look back, and question, He is faithful to show me glimpses of His glory all in-and-around me. I've said it before--I'm so tangled up in Him. He couldn't get rid of me if He tried :)



I'm overwhelmed by His goodness; His provision; His love and tender care. I've been given so much...and, perhaps above all, I have been given remarkable people to live and experience life with. Whether I'm with them for a month, two months, two years, or five...I am gifted. It is a pleasure to share life and live inside the beautiful church body. I have a new and growing love affair with the church. Derek Webb was onto something :)

goodbyes are hard.

i love these friends so much. south america, here we come!!!

I MISS MY NEPHEW!!!!!!

An old one...for kicks :) He's so much bigger now!!

do you ponder?

most people know i'm an introspective person. engaging with wee ones all summer has put a hold on my ability to process much at all. i haven't had any alone time. this week, since we don't have campers, i've been able to capture some time alone in thought, prayer, journaling, and reading. It's been really wonderful to begin to process this "strange" summer a little bit before I actually have to leave.

i keep thinking i have to figure out "what God has taught" me this summer or "what he's revealed." maybe because i anticipate the familiar questions, probing lessons learned and growth received over a summer break.

to be truthful, i don't know what God's taught or how he's grown me...or even "if," because i don't necessarily feel it. with this time to "process," I've realized that the past year of my life has been extremely difficult. I even remember having a conversation with a few friends about feeling like I've been living, going, moving, and if I stop, something will catch up with me, though i don't know what. This summer has made me stop. and i think the "something" that has caught up is the realization that this past year has been rough. It's been a hard year of life and faith. in a lot of ways, i feel really hurt, broken, and bruised. As a friend recently acknowledged: "whole new vast areas of God have opened up that i never saw before"but in the midst of this, life has become much less carefree. Faith itself is less carefree.

so i don't really know what things will look like moving forward and on after this summer. i don't really have a clue what God's doing, where He's taking me. i try to live my life out each day--throughout the mundane, because that's where we live. It's hard. the present is so unashamed.

i am grateful, however, that i'm not alone in this. it's good to talk to like-souls that can share similar wonderings.

14ers and such

The summer is passing fast and sweet. I am exhausted...more tired than i have ever been...but at the same time i am so enjoying my time here (a truly unforgettable summer). some friends and i have found it necessary to have coffee and conversation at 5am in the A-frame on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, before our kids are up. It is wonderful. Also, the weekends have been amazing. Last weekend we camped and hiked a couple of 14ers. It was lots of fun and so beautiful. This weekend Kira and I drove down to Canon City and i am spending some time with Luker.
Friday afternoons are the best feeling in the world and the deepest kind of "tired" i can think of. But by Sunday afternoon God somehow replenishes me and provides the grace to welcome another group of campers with excitement.
I don't have time to really tell stories so the pictures will have to speak enough for now...

God as enough

not just "thank you, God, for giving me all I need" or "Lord, you have given me more than enough" but "God, YOU are enough."

more to do with his very character--His ESSENCE.

By nature, He is enough. This is in my head right now.

(and below are a few pictures of life's current happenings...)

Week before last--probably my favorite cabin of campers so far. They were awesome. and super cute. These pictures are from crazy night. I think i pretty much only take pictures on crazy night...apparently. i should work on that.





these were my girls from last week. pretty easily my toughest week yet. i was so tired; sick with two different things...it was "ADA week," which is American Diabetes Association week....so we were living and learning lots about diabetes and helping the kids have fun in the midsts of tests, etc. It was a good challenge, i guess but i'm glad to see it over. I had a couple really difficult girls and a couple of amazing ones...



Duran. as "pooh." crazy night. enough said :)

summer days passin' by...

not really an update but here are a few pictures of friends and such :) ENJOY! (crazy night and fun with the girls last week...kira and i are the world's coolest hippies)

rain, hail, and an occasional ray of sunlight

here are a few pictures, dad :)
beautiful but cold (this lake is what the wee ones jump into 4 mornings a week for dippy club. i've decided to wait until july to get my tag):



crazy night (every wednesday night is crazy/concert night). Jenna was a cowgirl with me because she went to the U of A and now lives in Phoenix. We commiserate when it is cold...



our first week of girls (the sun is apparently washing me out in every picture) and Daysha, my amazing co-counselor on banquet night--the campers' last night at camp--awards ceremony, etc:



week one with campers is over. whew. it went well. i don't really have the energy tonight to write about it.

it was a cold week. rain. hail. sun for 15 minutes (maybe 30) at a time. brrrrrr. my nalgenes filled with hot water in my sleeping bag have saved me.

God is stretching me lots. teaching me lots. there are a lot of really amazing people here--campers, leaders, and staff. I am privileged and humbled. it's often an uncomfortable place to be.

when life isn't about you and you are placed in a position of servant-hood, perspective on life begins to change.

tomorrow is a day at the coffee shop with Duran and Caleb. Fun guys. Good friends. Then taking Caleb out for his bday dinner. fun times.

tonight i rest. emails. letters. reading. silence. aahhh.

p.s. i won't post pictures often--don't get excited. its too much of a bother and i really don't want to be spending much time on the internet. snail mail letters are really the way to go this summer.