If I could...

I'd spend the weekend here:

(on the river in Canada)

Or here:

(backyard in Arizona)

Or...sigh...here:

(mountains of Colorado)

Pretty much 1. I'm tired of being in this city, and 2. I really just want to spend some time IN NATURE. Sigh...

Two months from today I graduate. aaaaaaah. I have SO MUCH to do before then!! How on earth am I going to get it all done?!

a pasty and a pile of books

The smell of a baking pasty is drifting from the kitchen and I am at home on the floor of the apartment with a pile of books: The Way of the Lord: Essays in Old Testament Theology, The Ten Commandments: The Reciprocity of Faithfulness, Character & Scripture: Moral Formation, Community, and Biblical Interpretation, and Imaging God: Dominion as Stewardship. I will be working all evening on this paper of mine and tonight I really don't mind. I've been sick all weekend--yesterday was kind of a drag--and haven't been able to get much accomplished. Actually, I take that back. Yesterday I worked for hours doing my taxes. I successfully completed them mostly by myself (a few phone calls to mom and dad). My sore throat was so bad yesterday I started wondering about strep. But I ventured through the gross rain to Walgreens and stocked up on sucrets, zicam, and ramen noodle soup. I took two tylenol pm at 8:30 and slept until 9:45 this morning! I woke up feeling much stronger and my throat hasn't been as bad today.

This evening I walked up to North Avenue and back--the fresh air was welcome after being inside all day. But the wind started irritating my throat so I came back inside. Somehow the little jaunt gave me a renewed desire to sit and study. I hope it also lengthened my attention span (which has been short this break).

I was planning on making so many phone calls this weekend and then this sore throat...but talking drains me of energy in a matter of minutes. I am so behind with so many friends. I hate that feeling.

Mmmm. It smells soooo good in here. Oh right, most of you probably don't know what a pasty is. If you pronounce "sauna" saahnuuh (that's the best I can do) then you really don't know what a pasty is (or how to pronounce it, for that matter). It's a U.P. thing. I had one in the freezer from Christmas at Grandma's. Oh so good. They make me miss Papa. He would always say, "hey, have a little pasty with your ketchup, why don't you!"

I hope you have had a good weekend. What did you do? Share a favorite moment!

early morning reflecting

Yesterday I woke up with a sore throat. I'm kind of a baby when it comes to sore throats. I don't know why I can be very strong about any other sickness but sore throats discourage me so much, make me miss mom and the couch at home with hot soup and tea. But I pushed through yesterday and, of course, as sore throats go, it got a little better as the day progressed. I got home from babysitting last night pretty exhausted. I've managed late nights and fairly early mornings all weak to get research done for several projects. The sore throat reminded me to take it easy and get enough rest. So I decided to go straight to bed when I got home last night--which I did--and not set an alarm (which usually means I will only sleep in until about 8:30/9).

At 4am this morning I started tossing and turning. My throat was dry and stingy and kept waking me up. I tried and tried to sleep but 4:30 rolled around and I decided to get up. To my surprise, I was rather "wide" (this term is somewhat relative) awake. sigh. So much for sleeping in. It looks like it will be an afternoon nap for me instead. ugh, being sick is no fun at all.

Here I am at my desk with a hot cup of apple chamomile tea thinking.

I saw a scrap of a 3x5 card with a verse scrawled on it sitting atop a pile of papers next to my computer. It made me smile because there's a story behind it.

Throughout high school and now through college, I have had the hardest time starting new jobs. I don't know what it is about it but I hate new jobs. I hate job searching and I hate all that comes with being the "newbie" because I always feel like I'm not good enough or I'm not learning the ropes fast enough, etc. It happened with Marie Calendar's, Hillsdale Natural Grocery, Fry's Grocery Store, The Tucson Country Club, Francis Xavier Ward School, Eagle Lake, and even my nanny job now. It takes awhile for me to adjust and feel confident/capable.

The funny thing is, these have all turned out to be great experiences. Some of them, in particular, have provided incredible friendships with people I wouldn't have otherwise met or hung out with (I think of midnight burrito runs with Jordan and Anne Marie; laughing with Freddy and Karen; the kiddos at FXW that both drove me crazy and delighted me on a daily basis; the finer things club at ELC--unforgettable friendships). Each of them has also contributed to an overall growing sense of self. Maybe that's a "duh" but its just something i've been thinking about. So many of life's mundane experiences contribute in big ways to our formation--the faces we see, the people we interact with (and how we do this), the embarrassing moments ("Sir, would you like me to milk your bag?" Yeah, that definitely should have been "bag your milk." Awkward), and the lessons we learn.

You're probably wondering about that slip of paper. So am I. It's 5am and I should be asleep, dang-it! Well, Psalm 27:4 is written on it in obnoxious teal blue ink: "One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in his temple." The story behind it? Whenever I start a new job, I write out a verse that pushes my heart towards the care of God because, for some reason, I feel really alone whenever I start something new. I keep that scrap of paper in my wallet or purse, tape it somewhere where I will see it, carry it around (as at Fry's) in my apron pocket so I can pull it out at random intervals throughout the work day. It started out as an act of 16-year-old insecure desperation and has evolved into something simple but beautiful. From time to time I come across crumpled or worn out slips of paper with short verses written on them. I think I've mentioned before how I need tangible ways to enact my faith. This is something I have only recently "learned" of myself but whenever I stop and look back, I am amazed at how many little things made this clear throughout the years, I just didn't realize it.

So, let's think of small, simple, beautiful ways we can enact our faith as we live through so many mundane/routine days.

I really want to sleep. As soon as this second cup is finished steeping, I'm taking nap #1 on that couch over there. sigh...

my not so secret "secret" project

Remember when I told you I started a new knitting project at my sister's? Well, I've come far enough along on it that I think I will share a picture (or two).

It's a lap blanket!! My first "big" project. I haven't had much time to work on it because I am busy with classes and such. But i pull it out from time to time. I am babysitting tonight so I'll get some good knitting time in after the kiddos go to bed! I can hardly wait :) It is a peaceful pass-time. Ah, so wonderful.

I so enjoy crafting. Something about creating with these hands. Love, love, love it!

goodnight, dear void

before i crawl into bed for the night i feel the need to whisper a simple prayer of gratitude out into the quiet void.

in certain ways it's been a rough day and a half but a conversation with my brother-in-law earlier and an encouraging email from my sister this evening have reminded me that i am loved and appreciated. sometimes those simple reminders are the best.

Lord, teach us to live so that we aren't conformed to this world but are transformed by the renewal of our minds. interrupt our hard-headed habits and relentless routines. remind us that you are the Bigger One. be more hard-headed than us, so that we can experience you more fully. we are weak at it but we do so desperately love you. tonight i am grateful that you call us yours.

Do pirates have birthdays?

This is my fourth consecutive morning in the library. Yes, it's true, I am spending my spring break in the library (not all of it, just a lot of it).

I have actually rather enjoyed it. It is so very quiet down here. I am with one other--a modular student, i think, taking a two-week course here at the school. I am surrounded by books, the smell of old pages, and the hum of fluorescent lights. Aaaah. Ok, maybe I am going crazy :) But I've been able to get a lot done! I have researched for my internship a ton and compiled a hefty bibliography. I also started writing my first lecture: The Image of God and Human Rights (a biblical theology of human rights). It's been fascinating and exciting stuff to research and study.

Also, I've been working on a paper and a load of reading. Slowly I am chipping away at the lists and lists of things I have to do before graduation in a few short months of class. Sigh.

Soon we will be apartment hunting. We are already checking in with craigslist from time to time looking for cheap (or free!!) furniture, etc.

Mixed in with all the library time is work and play. I have enjoyed this week with the kids. I love that a 4 (almost 5) year old will ask me, "Andrea, do pirates have birthdays?" and we are able to get into a rather significant conversation about Black Beard and whether or not he celebrated his birthday, and whether or not it was a "fun" occasion (since he was, after all, a baddy not a goody). We planted the apple seeds in a small pot that now sits on the windowsill in the sun. Yesterday we sat on the swings out back when we got home from school. The air was warm and the sun shining so bright. He said, "this is a beautiful day," and I smiled and agreed. Spring might be slow in coming but days like yesterday remind me that it is indeed coming...

Then there have been sleep-overs with Lacy, runs to dunkin doughnuts, frozen pizza and a movie...etc. These fun little things break up the endless lists of To-Do's. Last night we watched Precious. That movie is incredibly difficult to watch. Good, but hard.

I should get back to my reading. This break has been nice :) More later, I'm sure, when I can better articulate some of the things I am learning buried down here under these piles of books!

Hope your spring has sprung!

routine interrupted

yes, it's spring break! i admit its kind of hard staying on campus for a two-week long break...ugh. but hopefully the "quiet" will mean a productive two weeks. plus, i look forward to exploring fun coffee shops and cafes as the weather warms up. i have homework to catch up on, internship writing, and a few papers to research. also, i am working. so i guess i'll be busy. the rain today doesn't help the "i'm trapped in a big city" feeling but this week is supposed to be mostly sunny and 50's (keep your fingers crossed!!). one thing I hate about this time of year in the city: when the snow melts there is dog poop all over the sidewalks. it seems especially bad this year. gross. If you are going to have a dog in the city, as least clean up its poop!!

i try not to think about how glorious it would be to have a car that would get me out of the city to wide open fields and forests...or, even better, to mountains for rock-climbing and camping. sigh. i don't think i was made for the city.

Tiffany and I kicked off spring break by going to see Alice and Wonderland in 3D. I liked it. I wouldn't let my young children see it (it is Tim Burton) but it was well done and i enjoyed it. On a side note, i think 3D movies are probably really bad for our eyes. Mine felt strangely over-stimulated. huh.

Lace and i watched 5 episodes of ALIAS back-to-back last night. I know, nothing says spring break like sitting on the couch freaking out about how cool Sydney is or how wretched the plot becomes by season five. ah, gotta love ALIAS.

Today is 1. laundry 2. grading papers 3. the oscars.

Also, i've made a few promises from time to time about posting recipes (probably mostly for my sister or hallie :)). I have two new favorites. The first involves tofu, which probably makes most of you scrunch up your nose. But before you dismiss the idea as "hippie" or "earthy" (because i know you people are out there) consider the fact that a big block of tofu at Trader Joe's costs $1.99 and lasts for a very long time. When you are on a tight budget and can't afford to purchase meat on a very regular basis, tofu is a great source of protein. Alright, I've defended it enough. Now for the recipe.

"Tofu Scramble" (improvise: i've never actually measured my quantities)

In a frying pan saute over medium-high heat for several minutes:
1/2 a small onion, chopped
1-2 cloves of garlic (cloves, hallie ;))
1/4 green bell pepper, chopped
1/4 red bell pepper, chopped
pinch of salt and pepper
1/4 tsp ground cumin

stir in:
1 1/2 cups crumbled tofu (I cut off about 1/4 of a trader joe's block of "firm" tofu and crumble it up in a bowl so it sort of looks like scrambled eggs).
turn heat down to medium-low until tofu is hot or until it turns a little golden (preference)

I had half of a baked potato left over once and threw that in--i really liked the addition.
I prefer to make burritos out of it with a little cheese melted on top. You can even add salsa if you want. MmmM"

"Quinoa with Black Beans and Cilantro"
This is a great recipe my sister sent me a few days ago. I just made it today. The link is here. I cut the recipe in half and still have two meals of it left over. I stuffed a Trader Joe's whole wheat pita with the quinoa-goodness and then put the cheese on top. Yum.

Just some fun and inexpensive ideas.

oh yeah, and instead of buying fresh cilantro i used some of the frozen pureed cubes I had in the freezer (also TJ's). It tasted great.

Alright. I want to go work on grading before dinner.

i have the coolest brother

Luke and Dad recently spent a few days on the Salt River. Rain interrupted the trip but they still had some fun adventures. Luke emailed me the story and I thought I'd share--its a good one :)
---
So first off we went to the Salt river planning on doing a three day backcountry float, turns out it was raining. And you know what its like when it rains in AZ, so we (mainly dads decision, but hes getting old and i didnt want to hoof his hypothermic body out on my back)decided to just do the day run cause he doesnt want to be stuck in an open canoe on wild whitewater. When we got back we looked at the water gauge online and it went from the 800 cubic feel per second we were expecting and jumped up to 3,000. I need you dan! That would have been pretty wicked paddling in a kayak.
So we head to fossil creek that night and get there with an hour of sunlight left, so i ran the mile hike along the creek up to the falls. It had stopped raining but the creek was flooding like mad, my heart was happy. We woke up the next morning and the creek had receded by about half as much water, my heart hurt. It was still decent paddling, but that extra water would have boosted it to excellent.. guess you cant win em all. My first run .. its the first picture attachment.. theres another little drop bellow that you cant see, the water pushes you between a boulder in the river on the right and a cliff on the left. I got launched into the cliff and rolled under and up.. and my paddle blade was snapped in half (yaaay for plastic carlisle paddles!). lame. So i ran and got my backup one.
Now, turns out this backup paddle is the one Owen used when i took him down the Salt river 4 years ago. He snapped the shaft in half right in the middle during one of his hundreds of swims. He assured me he would fix, and he did. He slid a metal pipe in either end of the paddle shaft and glued it.. ??? Metal doesn't float Owen! So i took it apart and did the same thing with PVC pipe (plastic). Now i have by sketchy backup paddle and i'm heading straight for this 7 foot vertical drop. i'm all jacked up cause in the place where my line was the boil line was waaay far back and i need to nail the boof. (the second picture attached, my lines river left.) when im about 10 ft from the lip of this thing my paddle snapped in half. bummer. so i paddled, C1 style, to the river right side of the drop and it was a piece of cake.
I came here for the 20 footer and was not about to bail just because i didn't have a paddle. So i carved a stick and jammed it up in either end of the paddle shaft, figured all i needed was something that could get me to the lip of the falls then let gravity work its magic. the third picture is my work of art.
We booked it to the falls, skipping several 5 to 8 foot drops along the way, and i ran it no problems. Its a super friendly water fall, simply go over the left side not the right and your groovy, you could land backwards, upside down, sideways and it might hurt but you'd survive. On impact half of my paddle popped off the stick.. so i rolled up with one half.. and watched the other sink. I ran the falls once and called it quits.. i figured God was against me on that trip and didn't want to push my luck. There's a video of the falls on fbook, i have videos of the rest of the runs, but they're just stupid.
Thats my story.
---

The drops look tiny because Luke's not in the picture. But they are about 7 ft.

Sorry for the bother, there has been a change

I've had this blog since 2004. That's a long time. Sometimes I wonder about it...
Is it worth keeping up? Should I continue posting?

I don't think I could ever delete it, though. It archives some really significant periods of my life, spilling and splashing the contents of my heart and soul onto computer screens...somewhere out there?

I've just been thinking about what's documented here and why it is "important" to me to write pages and pages of cyber text. I think because i recognize this small but valuable life I live--that each of us lives--and appreciate the opportunity to hash out some of my explorations (of faith, and our journey through the world).

Anyway, after much thought today, I am (of course) keeping the blog. But the site address had to go. I'm sorry. "Satisfied joy" was chosen about six years ago and the cheesy was getting to me. Maybe the new one isn't much better but I am pleased with it :)

www.a-new-cadence.blogspot.com

I chose "a new cadence" because we are, each of us, born into a rhythm of life (i.e., "cadenced"). For some of us, a more painful rhythm than others since Creation's cadence has been devastatingly interrupted. Everyday we experience the brokenness of a world out of shape, twisting and perverting itself into painful (destructive) rhythms. The stunning beauty of redemption's story is that it promotes a cadence that is marked by health, hope, and wholeness. In Christ, aren't we "cadenced" in remarkably new and needed ways?

The Second Sunday in Lent

I'm sure I've mentioned before how much I appreciate that my church follows the church calendar.

Yesterday's service was beautiful. Bob's reflections before communion were really wonderful. Something he said has been with me since, "We need to be mindful of the ways we live that cheat us of human flourishing." He went on to explain how God's desire is joy for life--that we enjoy the world He's created for us to possess; the ways in which we use our minds and imaginations; the work we do; the dreams we dream; the relationships we share; etc. He even spoke of human potential, which is something that I have been thinking about lately.

Later he mentioned what a remarkable gift the Gospel is in that we are given the opportunity to go to God for the love and forgiveness that we cannot give ourselves. We acknowledge the limitations of our humanity--things that mark us of our need of Him. Again, spoken in the language of my thoughts lately :)

His homily reflected the second lesson, 1 Peter 1:22-2:3. Also really wonderful. He spoke of "holy" community and being a people deeply committed to loving one another: "living our lives into each other" (i.e., human flourishing). He talked about the role of Scripture for the believing community as a script to be performed; music to be

sung--enactment.

Anyhow, i was greatly refreshed.

Haiti...and Chile...not to mention all the other things.

Our attention is stolen.

stolen by the radio.

stories in newspapers and magazines.

our prayers are deep.

Our attention is stolen.

it's time to go to class.

dinner in an hour.

our prayers are brief.

Give us your attention.

teach us your pain.

our prayers need your help.

---

This morning I listened to Jars of Clay's song, "Oh My God."

"Oh My God"

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone
Flights of grace, and future falls
In present pain
All fools say, "Oh my God"

Oh my God, Why are we so afraid?
We make it worse when we don't bleed
There is no cure for our disease
Turn a phrase, and rise again
Or fake your death and only tell your closest friend
Oh my God.

Oh my God, can I complain?
You take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon your grief
Weddings, boats and alibis
All drift away, and a mother cries

Liars and fools; sons and failures
Thieves will always say
Lost and found; ailing wanderers
Healers always say
Whores and angels; men with problems
Leavers always say
Broken hearted; separated
Orphans always say
War creators; racial haters
Preachers always say
Distant fathers; fallen warriors
Givers always say
Pilgrim saints; lonely widows
Users always say
Fearful mothers; watchful doubters
Saviors always say

Sometimes I cannot forgive
And these days, mercy cuts so deep
If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep
While I lay, I dream we're better,
Scales were gone and faces light
When we wake, we hate our brother
We still move to hurt each other
Sometimes I can close my eyes,
And all the fear that keeps me silent falls below my heavy breathing,
What makes me so badly bent?
We all have a chance to murder
We all feel the need for wonder
We still want to be reminded that the pain is worth the thunder

Sometimes when I lose my grip, I wonder what to make of heaven
All the times I thought to reach up
All the times I had to give
Babies underneath their beds
Hospitals that cannot treat all the wounds that money causes,
All the comforts of cathedrals
All the cries of thirsty children - this is our inheritance
All the rage of watching mothers - this is our greatest offense

Oh my God
Oh my God
Oh my God

Mr. Old Man,

I appreciate that you were walking down State street with a twinkle in your eye smoking a cigar. It rather made my afternoon.

----

Today I enjoyed running errands. I walked a lot. It was darn cold. But good to get out and walk.

I am looking forward to spring. A lot.

backyard hockey and a prayer that has been picking at my soul

(i must start out by saying that i am really enjoying Ray LaMontagne right now...)

It’s Friday. Whew. What a week. I don’t think I’ve had a week like this in a long time. Assignment after assignment and all other “life routines” kept every moment filled. Did you try to find me? If so, you only had to look in one of three places:

1. The library 2. My apartment floor (conducive to studying, surprisingly) 3. In bed sleeping (although, if I added up the total number of hours I know mom would tisk).

I am here, though. I find myself again enjoying a quiet Friday evening. Have I mentioned before how grateful I am for Friday evenings? So very grateful :)

I have a 3 hr. Friday class (from 2-5) that is almost unbearable. I don’t know who thought that was a good idea. By the time I am out of it all I can do is make my way back home to cook dinner and collapse on the couch (which is actually rather wonderful).

I watched Sleepless in Seattle and cried (only in the first twenty minutes, which doesn’t make much sense). Sappy, I know. But you know when you are tired to begin with so anything that might remotely compel a person to tears just pushes you over the edge? Uh-huh. Or it becomes an outlet for everything else you’ve been “holding in” all week that might actually be worth your tears? Such as…

…a prayer offered in class that seemed to speak its way out of my own soul…

…a research paper on divine violence that stole my heart and mind for 24+ hrs last weekend and has been with me since…

…beloved people in my life who have no inclination to follow the Lord that I am every day more deeply captured by and committed t0--perplexed and inspired by…

…a game of backyard hockey with a four-year-old…after which we saved apple seeds to sprout for summer growing…

…receiving a letter from a friend that was so timely it left me mystified at the train stop…

…grey skies till Thursday when the sun broke free and seemed to energize the air and infuse us with life again…

…an un-expected lunch date with whitney…

….conversation with those older and wiser willing to listen, encourage, wrestle, and wonder with me…

…simple prayers muttered under my breath or questioned out of my heart in wonder…

...news about a friend that quiets and concerns me...

…a gift (book of knitting patterns!) from mom, “just because”…

…voicemails from friends I miss and love…

…and, finally, the gift of rest…either small moments in the midst of the busy or the anticipated “longer moments” provided by a weekend…

(By the way, can you see how I had ample opportunity to “offer up” my worry and anxiety to the Lord? Indeed…)

It is worth expounding on the backyard hockey story. Monday afternoon found me stomping down snow with a four-year-old to create a “skating rink” in the backyard. He was all excited about the Olympics and hockey. What better than to become those players for a while? So I taught him how to stomp nice and flat and he taught me the “rules” of the game :) We slipped around for a while until we were too cold and wet. It was lovely.

I also need to share the prayer offered in class. From time to time Dr. Schmutzer reads one of Walter Brueggemann’s prayers to open class. This one broke into my thoughts because I had just spent so much time working on that “divine violence” paper…and I had already been saying to Him, “Lord, I don’t want to just study this subject to accumulate thoughts and compile scholarship. It matters to me and it involves you. It needs to move me because this pursuit is most worth it if you change me through it…” Otherwise, it is only the movement of “data.” Sometimes that's inevitable. We are busy students. But there are times when I believe that can be very dangerous...

PRAYER – Practitioners of Memos

Here we are, practitioners of memos:

We send e-mail and we receive it,

We copy it and forward it and save it and delete it.

We write to move the data, and organize the program, and keep people informed -
 and know how to control and manage.
We write and receive one-dimensional memos,

that are, at best, clear and unambiguous.

And then – in breathtaking ways – you summon us to song.

You, by your very presence, call us to lyrical voice;

You, by your book, give us cadences of praise

that we sing and say, "allelu, allelu."

You, by your hymnal, give us many voices

toward thanks and gratitude and amazement.

You, by your betraying absence,

call us to lament and protest and complaint.

All our songs are toward you in praise, in thanks and in need.
We sing figure and image and parallel and metaphor.

We sing thickness according to our coded community.

We sing and draw close to each other, and to you.

We sing. Things become fresh.
but then the moment breaks and we sing back into memos:
"How many pages?"

"When it is due?"

"Do you need footnotes?"

We are hopelessly memo kinds of people.

So we pray, by the power of your spirit, give us some song-infused days,

deliver us from memo-dominated nights.
Give us different rhythm,

of dismay and promise,

of candor and hope,

of trusting and obeying.
Give us courage to withstand the world of memo

and to draw near to your craft of life given in the wind.

We pray back to you the Word made flesh;

We pray, "Come soon."

We say, "Amen."

(From Prayers for a Privileged People)

A prayer for Lent

Loss is indeed our gain

"The pushing and shoving of the world is endless.

We are pushed and shoved.

And we do our fair share of pushing and shoving

in our great anxiety.

And in the middle of that

you have set down your beloved suffering son

who was like a sheep led to slaughter

who opened not his mouth.

We seem not able,

so we ask you to create the spaces in our life

where we may ponder his suffering

and your summons for us to suffer with him,

suspecting that suffering is the only way to come to newness.

So we pray for your church in these Lenten days,

when we are driven to denial--

not to notice the suffering,

not to engage it,

not to acknowledge it.

So be that way of truth among us

that we shall see that loss is indeed our gain.

We give you thanks for that mystery from which we live.

Amen."

(Walter Brueggeman; in anticipation of reading 1 Samuel 8/2000).

Living Lent

I’ve never “observed” Lent. This year I decided to take the plunge and get intentional about steeping in the season. God has taught me some significant things over the past several years about liturgy and ritual—and the subsequent “loss” that comes with the absence of these. Evangelical circles tend to let the observance of certain seasons slide a bit more than I have come to find is probably healthy. Lent is one of these “lost” seasons. Of course, there is the danger of allowing strict observance of certain traditions to dull the heart and deaden the vibrancy of faith. I’d like us to consider, though, that loss of certain traditions can also have the same effect.

So I am only now beginning to teach myself about the season—reading, thinking, praying, and wondering. The most thought I’ve ever really given to Lent has been in the form of, “gee, I wonder what I will ‘give up.’ Should I even bother giving something up?” It is different this time. I really want to live Lent this year.

Ash Wednesday crept up on me before I could decide what I wanted to let go of. Yesterday evening, as I lay in bed for a few hours battling a migraine, I started thinking about worry. This is another thing God’s been teaching me lately—how to handle worry, stress, and anxiety in healthier ways. My perfectionist tendencies often lead me to live with a lot of pressure and worry. I want to work on this.

So...I am giving up worry for Lent. I know what you are thinking—that’s impossible, right? Here’s the thing. Obviously I can’t entirely stop worrying. But I can be intentional about the time I spend in worry. I now carry around slips of paper on which I scrawl my worries as they sneak up on me during the day. I scribble them out and write a brief prayer (a ritual i need right now). This helps me acknowledge weakness and my need for strength to sacrifice habits of thinking and being that are unhealthy. It also teaches me to pray anew. There is something simple about intentionally letting go of my worries. There is something bold and beautiful about entrusting myself to the Lord's strength for facing temptation, sacrificing habits of weakness, and hoping toward newness.

In so many ways I am grateful for this season and my “new” recognition of it.

Yesterday I was reading an online lectionary, here, and came across a few prayers I want to share for this season:

“Artist of souls, you sculpted a people for yourself out of the rocks of wilderness and fasting. Help us as we take up your invitation to prayer and simplicity, that the discipline of these forty days may sharpen our hunger for the feast of your holy friendship, and whet our thirst for the living water you offer through Jesus Christ. Amen.”

“Fill us with your strength to resist the seductions of our foolish desires and the tempter's vain delights, that we may walk in obedience and righteousness, rejoicing in you with an upright heart. Amen.”

How are you living Lent?

The Week in Pictures

Notice Sam's sister (in between his legs)!!





Meet Sam's best friend, Bernard. Bernard is probably the world's most lovable puppy. He hails from IKEA. Sam laughs every time anyone talks about Bernard. He also gives Bernard the best hugs. They are a very cute pair.






Sam and Auntie love...





A variation of peek-a-boo, i think :)






A favorite pass-time: "spying" out the front window. He laughs whenever cars drive by. It's the cutest ever. When I baby sat him, after he got up from his nap we sat in the chair by the window for at least 20 minutes cuddling and laughing at the cars go by. I love my little nephew :)

Life with the McGee's

I've been in Richmond with the McGee's. I flew into DC late on Thursday. I fly back to Chicago Wednesday evening. It's been so great to get away from the city for awhile. So great. I don't think i can emphasize the "great" enough :) It feels good to be in a real home, eating a regular diet of real food, not to mention spending good time with family. whew, those are all great reasons to be enjoying this time as much as I am, don't you think? I haven't been able to get much studying done. I go back and forth about feeling "stressed" and not really caring. I think because I recognize the gift of this time and in the long run it matters more to me than working really hard on homework. I needed a break. I am always studying. Sometimes I just have to give it up a little to do other things. I'm trying to be more ok with this when I need to be :)

On saturday we went into town and walked one of the main streets, looked around in shops, and ate lunch at a local diner where I had my first fried pickle. This sounds gross, i know, but it was actually really good.

Mostly we've just been hanging out at home. Kristen and I have begun new sister knitting projects. I'm not going to tell you what yet. I'll keep you updated as I progress! I am really excited about it...

Tomorrow we go on a sister date to the doctor to hear little niece's heartbeat! I've felt her kick a few times. I am so excited for a little girly. So is Sam. haha. oh, sister! He doesn't know how lucky he is (yet)!

Some highlights from the week thus far (and pictures!):

1. Waffle breakfast. Mmm. Sam and Auntie bond...

2. Watching the Olypics. Hannah Carney and the women's moguls (this is my new favorite event). The men's moguls. Couples figure skating (umm, surprisingly humorous thanks to a few idiot commentators). There's something about the Olympics that is just wonderful. I can't really describe it. I so enjoy watching athletes of all ages and ethnicities compete in such a wide variety of sports. It's exhilarating. I love laughing with jay and kristen at the ridiculous commentators (note: kristen and i have decidedly found a future as "sister commentators." think about it, how awesome would that be?).

3. Babysitting my very own nephew, exchanging smiles across the room, cuddling, giggling, "reading" (his attention span for books is still a little short), chasing each other around the house, watching cars drive up and down the street, laughing at other silly happenings...he is the best. i love him so much.

4. Being with Jay and Kristen. I love that we can hang out and talk, not talk, and laugh. We are good at laughing. Sometimes we gang up on Jay, other times on Kristen. Sometimes they gang up on me. Good times. Tomorrow is movie night (Nacho Libre, what else?!) with good food and drink.

More later. the pictures are taking forever to load. So you're only getting those three. and a certain little rascal keeps coming over to see if i will play. it's time to go...

where is your spot?

in several ways and through several people i have been reminded lately of the importance of personal space--"self-care," if you will. we stack our days full of events and appointments such that anything "unexpected" threatens to topple us. we can even justify business by claiming that it is "in service" to others or a focused "investment" in relationships. well, i am here to tell you that i have used those very same justifications and, while there is certainly time and place for service and investment, there is also a very important four-letter concept called rest. and i think we compromise it too readily sometimes.

so, this is my challenge for YOU. think about what is necessary for personal health, growth, and development. naturally, this should include concerted thinking about your relationship with God--a being whose very influence in our lives promotes wholeness through rest and redemption.

do you need to take a long walk? a long bath? read a novel? write a poem? paint a mural? collage a wall? go for a run? escape people? find people? journal? sit somewhere quietly? cook? play music?...the list of questions is endless and, ultimately, you need to determine with yourself and God what things are "most" healthy for you. but i encourage you to devote time to some of those things.

I'm challenging myself to journal again. for whatever reason, it has become more and more difficult to journal this semester. really, i just haven't made time for it. but i know i need to. the space of the empty page is a space for me to be "all me." it is, in the words of an anonymous stranger-friend, "a place where i can swear and spit and ache." i need that space. God has always met me in that space. He "risks" the mess of my swearing and spitting and aching to get into my life with me...there is hardly a more wonderful thing...

appreciating saturday

i used to hate saturday. for a lone time saturday was the day that made me feel guilty or "unproductive." you know, if you have much to either catch up on or prepare for, when else are you going to do it but on saturday? yeah, that's a good enough reason to get frustrated with saturday, i think.

but this semester i decided i need to live my saturdays without getting to the end of them regretting things left undone (like unfinished, dare I say unreasonable, mile long to-do lists). i have always been over ambitious with my weekends. it is pretty great to realize that I am learning to relax about this.

for example...
this morning i slept in. no alarm clock. as mentioned in yesterday's post, this week exhausted me. therefore, i decided a sleep-in was very necessary. I woke up at 9:15 and watched an episode of Recess with a bowl of cereal. mmm.

after getting ready for the day I packed a bag for the library and bundled up. after a quick trip to the bank to deposit last week's pay check and a stop at the post office for a book of stamps (i've had to hold off on letter writing for the past week and a half...arg), i finally made it to the library. i spent a good hour and a half researching for a paper. this is the paper on a biblical theology of the violence of God. it's already very interesting--poking and prodding me in new ways. i just love digging into themes of Scripture that are at first "untouchable" but once in, a storehouse of mystery and meaning...
I got swallowed up by one article in particular for awhile before a footnote sent me on a search for a few other resources. If you are interested, check it out:
Fretheim, Terence E. "'I Was Only a Little Angry': Divine Violence in the Prophets." Interpretation 58 (2004): 365-375.
It's a short article with great insight and challenge. There is another of his ("God and Violence in the Old Testament") that is also on my list.

After the library i came back to the apartment to clean and organize. I always feel better about my Sunday and a new week if things are straightened up in my "living space." Tiffany and I have been waiting to rent Adam, which we did today. Also, I've been wanting to make fresh pasta for awhile. I decided it was time. Actually, the extra bit of motivation came from reading SouleMama's post, here, and remembering that I own The Art of Simple Food...so, what have I been waiting for?! It is cheap--flour and eggs. It's not labor intensive either. So Tiff and I took a break from Adam to roll out, cut, and boil these tasty fresh noodles. I think when I have a family of my own i might invest in a pasta press. But maybe the kiddos will enjoy helping cut...

All this to say, today has not been a waste. I am not stressed or guilty for *not* spending hours upon hours working on homework (since there is always more to do, especially for a perfectionist). Saturdays, now, are almost always a good mix of structure and spontaneity. I am thankful for this. please remember, dear reader, that life is short and we really ought to have a balanced diet of structure and spontaneity.

In other news, I am flying out Thursday night for Richmond. Yes, it's true. I get to spend five days with Jay, Kristen, Sam, and the niece-in-progress. Mmmm, I just can't wait!

Well, after a brisk night walk to the grocery store with Lace, I am now cozy in this warm little room with my cup of ginger tea, the weepies softly playing through my speakers, thinking about which article to dive into next. and I quietly look forward to reciting the Nicene Creed with a community of fellow faith-followers tomorrow because, beautifully, it has taken on new meaning for me this week. But that's for another post--this one is long enough. Here's to leaving you hanging :)

the places where He steps in

Matthew Perryman Jones writes a verse that expresses some of the real and raw tension we live with:
"Take me to a place where love can mend these wounds/Where mystery can dance with truth/And the broken soul finds refuge."

Here i am on a friday afternoon, grateful for a few hours to sit and think and rest and pray. It's Founder's Week which is something of a nice change but always also really exhausting. I've attended 13 sessions (sermons/messages/teachings, whatever you wish to title them) this week, worked 14 hrs, and averaged about 6 1/2 hours of sleep each night. i am worn out.

in the middle of all of this, I think it needs to be said that i'm really excited about my life. it is all at once strange and wonderful to think about graduating and moving on to new things. i am so very hopeful about my life and my future. I have had several interesting conversations this week with friends, with myself, and with God, about who I am, what I love, and how I am moving into my future. I've experienced both encouragement and discouragement from these interactions. some days i think i learn in leaps and bounds; others are sprinkled with quiet moments of growth. i am thankful for each. I am glad He keeps stepping in.

do you ever feel like you are growing into yourself? i do.
also, i am increasingly aware of how deeply i desire to walk my life with the accompanying presence of the mysterious God that I love (this is necessary). this has directed my prayers lately. although I am sometimes sore from wrestling so hard with him, i am grateful that he touches deep parts of me and opens my eyes where i have kept them shut. mystery dances with truth.

i feel like marshall (yes, this is an ALIAS reference): "do you hear that? yeah, that's the sound of my mind blowing." there is so much i am growing "out of" and so there's an inevitable sense of loss and pain. But, there is so much I am growing into, and for those there are feelings of eagerness, expectance, readiness, and waiting.

i can see the snowflakes floating down outside my window. beautiful. i think i am going to take a nap.