here we go, friends

It's a grey, rainy morning. It's Ash Wednesday. I've sort of tip-toed my way up to this Lenten season wondering what it is I can/should/ought to give up. I think I know, but it's hard to articulate. It's a bit abstract. Sometimes the really tangible fasts like "I'm giving up soda" or "I'm giving up ice cream" turn into a game in my mind. So I have to steer clear of them. They aren't wrong or bad or anything I just think I can too easily assume them as simply a legalistic "no, no" for the season without much thought for some of the deeper realities of why the season is significant, etc. I've thought "well, I could give up sugar. that would be hard but it would also be really good for me--i'd have the discipline and the beneficial affects of a better diet..." But see, then I start thinking of things for all the wrong reasons--wanting to choose something "just because" it's hard or because I'd also gain something from it. Last year was super hard because giving up worry was like giving up something so attached to myself that I was failing and falling at every turn--being tempted at nearly every moment to forget that there is a place to cast all fear, worry, anxiety and experience freedom and newness. It was therefore rather "abstract" but it was extremely practical in what it revealed and taught.

So, this year I am giving up thinking and living in terms of "Rights and Entitlements," instead living to recognize things as Gift, Promise, and Privilege. It's sort of the product of a lot of thought about what it means to trust God and what it means to believe in His nearness--two "themes," if you will, that have been constant for me of late. What does it mean to trust more in God's faithfulness, love, and provision than in my ability to determine, figure out, and control? What does it mean to have those hard conversations with God about the difficulty of handing over to Him (consistently) and surrendering, entrusting, and believing that He's big enough and good enough to have a better handle on things (he's trustworthy, in other words). What does it mean to see God's work in my life and in the world as a work that is close? Scripture is not shy about telling God's story as one in which He is near--a traveling presence. He pilgrimed with Israel out of slavery into wilderness and guided to the Promised Land. He set up camp in their midst. He presenced himself with them. So goes the story...and then He sends himself into the story, right into it. Human. God-man. To be with us, God with us. And lives a life that's a part of ours--facing the realities of human life and learning: temptation, love, sorrow, beauty, desire, difficulty...When he leaves he gives an extraordinary gift: his very Spirit, to live in us. There are, it seems, profound patterns of committed nearness.

It can be uncomfortable to think of God as one who is near. A God who is near means a God who knows. He knows our dirt and our mess; our beauty and our unique wonder. He lives with us deep deep down, acknowledging a value and worth that undercut all of the outward expressions of "who we are." And when we realize we are so exposed in the journey, I suppose we necessarily feel a little embarrassed, uncertain, and uncomfortable. A God who is near and a God who knows means that we have to wonder if he actually loves and accepts what he lives with and sees of us. This takes trusting him to a whole new level and reliance to a new depth. This is what I hope to dwell on for lent--God near my mess; God in my need; God loving my brokenness; God mending, healing, renewing, tearing apart, putting back together...God on the journey with me. So the things that I often falsely consider to be my rights and entitlements (anything and everything, really: achievements, accomplishments, understanding, knowledge, revelation, faith, belief, love...the things that I can begin to feel like I come up with...) can be seen and understood as gifts and promises (the "product" of God at work in my life--my mess--accomplishing something deeper and longer lasting; God worthy of trust because He's committed to a larger picture than the one I'm committed to but he's patient enough to help me get there. He journeys with. He offers gifts and remembers promises. He cares for us as we work to control what we think we understand..). He stepped into our mess for a reason. He's in the business of redemption and reconciliation--making all things new. That's the freedom and hope that is "Gospel." Free from the entanglements of sin and it's web-like trap that offers a lot but follows through with little. The hope and freedom that are our life in God recognize the gifts of relationship, love, and committed faithfulness. They offer a courage and strength for living our imperfections in liberating ways (toward health and wholeness) not in ways that discourage true life and growth.

What will all of this look like, for Lent? Well, I'm not 100% certain, of course. It will be daily, that's for sure. Daily work to face the temptation of wanting to recognize my life as my own. It will require daily reminders of God's promises, His workings in/through history, and His goodness that is sometimes hard to understand. It will demand that I consider new ways of trusting God's provision--believing that He bestows and privileges us in ways we don't always expect or understand, but they are gift. This feels a little like an experiment and I don't really know how it will go. I'll keep you posted as I journey. I like the journey-feel of Lent...the feeling of "travel." How are you traveling this Lenten season? What are you considering, wrestling, hoping?

Finally I'll just post this prayer in consideration of today, Ash Wednesday, and the journey ahead...

Marked by Ashes (Walter Brueggemann)

Ruler of the Night, Guarantor of the day . . .
This day — a gift from you.
This day — like none other you have ever given, or we have ever received.
This Wednesday dazzles us with gift and newness and possibility.
This Wednesday burdens us with the tasks of the day, for we are already halfway home
halfway back to committees and memos,
halfway back to calls and appointments,
halfway on to next Sunday,
halfway back, half frazzled, half expectant,
half turned toward you, half rather not.

This Wednesday is a long way from Ash Wednesday,
but all our Wednesdays are marked by ashes —
we begin this day with that taste of ash in our mouth:
of failed hope and broken promises,
of forgotten children and frightened women,
we ourselves are ashes to ashes, dust to dust;
we can taste our mortality as we roll the ash around on our tongues.

We are able to ponder our ashness with
some confidence, only because our every Wednesday of ashes
anticipates your Easter victory over that dry, flaky taste of death.

On this Wednesday, we submit our ashen way to you —
your Easter parade of newness.
Before the sun sets, take our Wednesday and Easter us,
Easter us to joy and energy and courage and freedom;
Easter us that we may be fearless for your truth.
Come here and Easter our Wednesday with
mercy and justice and peace and generosity.

We pray as we wait for the Risen One who comes soon

weekend in pictures

Sorry I don't have the energy to write the stories behind all these pictures. Sometimes it's better that way. What happens in Kentucky stays in Kentucky ;) Actually, I'm just really exhausted. We drove back this morning and made really good time so we even got to stop at Fair Oaks Farm, a fun farm/cheese factory/restaurant and gift shop between Chicago and Indianapolis...they had really good coffee today, which was great because I had to go almost directly to work after a stop off at home. I didn't sleep the greatest while we were there--combination of life and three in a king size bed (fun, not the most comfortable :)).

It was good to get away for awhile. We all needed it, I think, although we were all also pretty worn out going into it. Just look at the pictures...I think we look pretty tired. But it was so good to be with good friends exploring, relaxing, laughing, and just "being away."

We spent an afternoon/evening in Louisville on Bardstown St. going in and out of shops and bookstores and had dinner at Ramsi's--food from all over the world! It was yum. We drove through small towns and adventured through some cool and some creepy antique stores. We walked through Bardstown (the actual town), which is the bourbon capital of the world, and saw a few of the big distilleries. I think the back-country Kentucky roads did us all some good.

I'm tired in many ways but refreshed in others. Life is just full of lots of stuff to think about, pray about, and wonder about right now so that's that. No avoiding it, really, just learning how to trust God as always. Continually he says "trust me, Andrea" and always I wonder if he'll continue to put up with my weak trusting. And he does. He continually does. It's that never-stopping, never-giving-up, faithful kind of love of his. Lately I ask for his nearness to be felt. And this weekend it was felt in good friends and back-country Kentucky roads.

oh, and I pierced Lacy's ears a second time--yeayuh! what are friends for?! she trusts me, that's for sure :)

book-wish-list

I really want Lotta Jansdotter's book Handmade Living: A Fresh Take on Scandinavian Living. I've seen it referenced on so many of my favorite "simple living" and "handmade home" sorts of blogs. You know, not the cheesy handmade stuff like crocheted kleenex box covers but the good stuff...the art of handmade living...that kind of stuff. Sigh. I'm determined to learn more of the simple art of the "handmade home" this year.

drive on

Roadtrip this weekend. I am so looking forward to our roommate trip down south (to Kentucky). Getting out of the city and the coming back provides a certain kind of "fresh start" for me. PLUS, I'm hoping that Spring will be in swing when we come back. It's started, that's for sure. More melting/thawing and less snowing/freezing--always a good sign.

I still don't know what to do for Lent this year. Sigh. Hmmm. Maybe I'll have time to think on it this weekend. Oh! I got Madeline L'Engle's book A Wrinkle in Time on tape for our journey!! I read it when I was young, loved it, but haven't read it since. I'm super excited :) :)

I'm almost finished with East of Eden. I'll have thoughts to post once I'm all done (about 50 more pages). Man, this book is good. I've been glad to have a novel to work through.

In other news...

Melissa is taking me to see the Civil Wars in April. She won tickets. Woohoo. So exciting...

I've been really wanting to travel again. What's new, i know, but i mean really...like spend some time overseas somewhere involved in a project or working in a community. Such thoughts never truly leave me they just sort of "cycle through" as I consider all that I could do with and in life. There are many possibilities. This is a weird part of life still. I don't quite feel like I've "started" (but I have)...interesting. whatever. I'm going to go make breakfast burritos...

two pictures and some words

First of all, I have one cute nephew. He caught his first fish. From what I understand, he was holding the pole but had some help reeling it in. Wish I could have witnessed it firsthand. Check out that face!


Second, from what I hear the Tucson mountains received a beautiful dusting of snow this morning. A wonderful site to behold. Hannah sent me this pic, which is now my desktop pic. Lovely in every possible way. It screams, "This place is beautiful! Look at the mountains! And look at our Southwest architecture!" I miss all of it.

Approaching Lent

It's been a wonderful Saturday, "slow" but not unproductive. Have you ever realized how easy it is to feel lazy when the day is slower? Such a misnomer of our culture: that busy living equals productivity and purpose. There's such purpose in stillness and production in just being. Today I've cleaned and organized (a little), made a few phone calls, read (Anne Lamott, Plan B), made soup broth, sat on the couch and prayed (or tried to), journaled, caught up on emails...I'll still be going to work this evening. I rather enjoy the occasional Saturday evening with the kiddos :) But right now, before that, in the stillness of today while the snow (still) falls out my window, I'm thinking about Lent. I'm thinking about approaching the intentional time of God-reliance with new thoughts, needed questions, simple conversation.

God, I always need you. Many days it seems like I live to forget that I need you; instead trying to prove to myself or others that I'm strong enough to do it on my own. Soon there's a season to help us frame our need in the context of your story--help us locate ourselves, again, in your story...to find the freedom, peace, and rest that are there.

I came across this brief article today in Sojourners. While I'm not always a fan of the way they frame some of their stories, I appreciate this contribution by Walter Brueggemann on Lent:

"Lent is a time for “following.” The narrative about Jesus’ suffering and death provides a way in which we are able, in an act of disciplined imagination, to situate (or resituate) our lives in the story of Jesus. We become aware that the story of Jesus requires and permits a new version of our own story of life and faith.

Lent is a time for fresh decision-making about reliance upon the God of the gospel. Such decision-making in Lent is commonly called “repentance.” It’s a time to reflect on the way in which God gives new life that is welcome when we recognize how our old way of life mostly leaves us weary and unsatisfied.

Lent is a time to face the reality that there is no easy or “convenient” passage from our previous life to a new, joyous life in the gospel. The move is by the pattern and sequence of Jesus’ own life, an embrace of suffering that comes with obedience, a suffering which comes inevitably when our lives are at odds with dominant social values.

Lent is a time for life with God. While Jesus’ suffering and death are quite public events in the Roman Empire, his prayers—echoing the psalms—evidence that his primary focus was on life with God. In Lent we may draw away from public life enough to give energy to this defining relationship with the God who hears and answers, who summons, forgives, and saves."

Walter Brueggemann, a Sojourners contributing editor, is professor emeritus at Columbia Theological Seminary in Decatur, Georgia.

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I'm still trying to determine what it is I will "give up" this year or how I will act out my dependence on the one whose sufficiency is my life. Last year I gave up worry (see here). Yes, it was a difficult time wrought with failure upon failure but it taught me a lot about what it means to live to be God's--to be kept, held, upheld, and known but the one who is shaping me.

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"What is Better?

Isaiah 55:1-9; Psalm 63:1-8; 1 Corinthians 10:1-13; Luke 13:1-9

Lent is a time for making decisions about God’s good news and our life in the world. The decisions pose the question: “What is better?” In Psalm 63, we get an answer, “God’s steadfast love is better than life.” The psalm evokes a plethora of images: God’s fidelity is like water in a weary land; a feast of rich food; a shadow amid the hot sun; a strong hand that keeps one from falling. The psalm invites reflection on God’s reliability, for which there is no adequate substitute in our busy world of consumerism.

Corinthians is more concrete. Here the alternative is to “desire evil.” The phrase gives Paul a chance to review ancient history as an “example.” That memory includes the golden calf (Exodus 32; 1 Corinthians 10:7-8) and murmuring in the wilderness (Numbers 21:4-6; 1 Corinthians 10:9). The “desire of evil” is an alternative of self-sufficiency, of shaping our “gods” according to our convenience. To “desire evil” in our contemporary society is to imagine that with enough power, goods, and control one does not need the gift of fidelity.

Isaiah’s poem sets the choice that God’s people are always making—free water, milk, and bread, or the rat-race of self sufficiency. “Seek the Lord” is an invitation to abandon self-sufficiency for life in the gospel. Luke, with its two odd case studies, is preoccupied with “repentance” and the call to “bear fruit.” The hard part is choosing to live differently. That is always the important part, now as it was then. Life in the rat-race makes us “prey for jackals” (Psalm 63:10) without time to bless and thank God (Psalm 63:6)."

Lent is 'Come to Jesus' Time. by Walter Brueggemann. Sojourners Magazine, March 2010 (Vol. 39, No. 3, pp. 48). Living the Word.

getting ready

Lent begins March 9. I'm now beginning to think how I am going to approach it this year...

again, grateful

for a dad who picks his daughter up well past his bedtime, because the plane was delayed. and even though he left at 6am this morning for his 24 hr bike race (i'm consistently proud of my dad) he was awake and alert to talk with me in the dark and listen to all my fits of frustration and confusion and life-wonderings. he is patient and wise and i guess i really needed some dad time. good thing he's coming home tomorrow. my dad--one of the "fat and 50" relay team that will *win* (wink wink) the Old Pueblo bike tour :)

and i woke up to mom sitting at the table--her beautiful crown of all speckled grey hair (she might not think it beautiful like I do but it is and i love it)--eating cereal. and then we talked and she listened to my same fits of frustration and confusion and life-wonderings. i'm grateful for these two wonderful parents. i've missed being with them.

the sky is huge. the sun is bright. it is 70 degrees and i'm in a t-shirt. it's good to be back here.

today: grateful for...

driving: 1. windows down 2. sunglasses

sloppy wet goodbye kisses from a 3 yr old.

oreos and milk.

conversations with friends.

going HOME.

I'm off to the airport in a few minutes...a much needed get away trip. Tucson, here I come!

gosh, the days are full of thinking

I've been full this week. So many different thoughts crowding around my heart and mind, trying to get my time and attention. I've been aware of the great gift of prayer for filtering these thoughts. I read Romans 8 the other morning and got thinking about the gift of the Spirit (in particular for the tasks of seeking wisdom and discernment). Seriously, what a gift. There's a verse in John (I should go look it up...but i think it's chapter 14...) in which Jesus talks about the gift of the Spirit and the gift(s) of peace of mind and heart. A life steeped in prayer with/to the Spirit is a life of peace, I think. But not a life without feeling and emotion. Sometimes I think we misunderstand what "feeling peace" looks like. Don't we tend to view peace of mind/heart as almost an emotionless state? Nothing bothering us, nothing concerning us, just a happy-go-lucky contentedness, unaffected, serene.... I'm not so sure that's accurate. Actually, I can say with a high level of certainty that it's not.

I think peace of mind and heart probably have more to do with the rest and relief that come with trusting and entrusting our lives to the Lord--to the day-by-day guiding presence of the Spirit, a presence we rely on even without knowing it sometimes. Peace of mind and heart is the exercise of faith. Belief that there's a bigger story written by a hand other than our own but a story we are nonetheless written into...a story in whose context we find meaning, purpose, and fulfillment. This doesn't mean we don't feel life (the ups and downs; the joys the sorrows; the security and the insecurity) but I think it means we can be steady in life. Peace of mind and heart are an offered assurance that our lives are not our own and that's something of a relief (because we know our need--we live with ourselves day in and day out and so are pretty aware of where we fumble, falter, and fail). In God's restoration story we find significance beyond what we could offer or cultivate ourselves and that provides us with deep rest: peace. We don't have to figure it all out. We can't. Life isn't an equation that we have to do our best to figure out or answer. There's a structured order to our existence (and in our learning and understanding who we are) that provides us with peace of mind and heart...

It's taking me awhile to get my heart and mind around this. Still learning. It'll probably take a lifetime ;)

Snippets from "The Rock," TS Eliot

"The Eagle soars in the summit of Heaven,

The Hunter with his dogs pursues his circuit.

O perpetual revolution of configured stars,

O perpetual recurrence of determined seasons,

O world of spring and autumn, birth and dying!

The endless cycle of idea and action,

Endless invention, endless experiment,

Brings knowledge of motion, but not of stillness;

Knowledge of speech, but not of silence;

Knowledge of words, and ignorance of the Word.

All our knowledge brings us nearer to our ignorance,

All our ignorance brings us nearer to death,

But nearness to death no nearer to God.

Where is the Life we have lost in living?

Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?

Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?

The cycles of Heaven in twenty centuries

Bring us farther from God and nearer to the Dust."

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I remember where I was when I first heard these words and was churned--sitting in a Hillsdale auditorium orientation week listening to Dr. Sundahl. I miss that man.

Resolved: I need to spend more time reading good poetry.

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In other news, my parents now own a house in Flagstaff. Crazy, right? Dad took a load up yesterday when he signed the papers. Who would we be if he didn't have a whopping trailer load and a canoe on top? Not the Childs, that's for sure. There's only one way to move...and travel, for that matter...ha, and this is how it (always) looks:

I can't believe they're actually leaving Tucson. Sad.

updates

tonight i discovered two blog updates by two friends who RARELY update ;) it was nice. thank you, Hallie and Phil, for typing out some thoughts...

my new little friend

I've just started sponsoring a girl from the DRC (Democratic Republic of Congo). She's absolutely beautiful. Her name is Divine Kimbembi and she's almost ten years old. She lives with her mom, one brother, and two sisters. I know nothing of the details of her life or her community. I don't know where her dad is. I don't know what her world is like. But I'm excited...excited to write letters...excited to pray...excited to build a new friendship with this little life so far away and so "different" (maybe) but also so alike. we already have a lot in common--dreams and desires, hopes and fears, longing, dignity, love and worth...

Isn't she beautiful? Pray for her with me, if you think of it. 1.1 of the Congolese have HIV/AIDS. It's a country torn by war, rape, and ravaged by disease and poverty. But its a country full of dignified human beings just like any other--looking for hope, love, wholeness and meaning in a world that feels broken and often so "out of control." We over here might know nothing of her realities "over there," but we learn and we learn how to pray. Because we know who keeps the world together ["When the earth quakes and it's people live in turmoil, I am the one who keeps it's foundations firm." Psalm 75:3]. Compassion is learned because it's a part of being in his image and growing into his image--an image that sometimes feels too big for us; too hard to fit into. But he teaches us to fit into his image. He melts and molds, pulls and stretches. We are, at once, already made in his image but we are, too, being conformed more and more. This is a remarkable mystery...the hard delight of living to follow him.

Peter Mulvey

I saw him for the 5th time last night. When I realized it was concert #5 I thought, "is this ridiculous?" Then he started playing Shirt and the question fell away as I remembered, again, why I appreciate him so much. His songs are such true-to-life stories that touch on rich themes of life in simple and undramatic ways--the routine, the mundane, the "way life is" day-to-day...and all communicated with such musical genius. There's always a song or two that catches in my chest; gets me down deep. Again, it was Trempealeau (which, unfortunately, hasn't found it's way onto an album nor are the lyrics posted anywhere online...), Knuckleball Suite, Mailman, and Shirt. There are others that are worth noting but I'll resist :) It was a great show, at a great venue (Evanston SPACE), with great company (Monica and Rebecca, my friend from pottery).

Sarah has come and gone. It was lovely having her here. It was hard to see her leave. I guess I sort of surprised myself by crying on the way home from the airport. We'll see each other again, we always do. But there's something sometimes hard about growing up and acknowledging that goodbyes sometimes mean a long time till hello, and so much is up in the air uncertain about all of our lives that we have no idea where we'll be or how we'll get "there" and how that will influence the ease of the next reunion, etc. I guess I thought about how we can't take friendships for granted--especially time spent with good friends.

Speaking of good friends. I'm leaving for Tucson on Friday and am trying not to think about it, lest the week go by slower. I'm ridiculously excited...to see friends, to see family, to see Tucson, to see sunshine...aaaah. Southwest, here i come!! Get me out of this giant snow-puddle for awhile. whew.

On Saturday we went to a lecture at our church on what the creation narratives teach about what it means to be human. So good. Sometime I'll try to write something about it. I can't yet, too much of it I'm still in the thick of as far as learning/understanding goes. I mean, I'll always be in the thick of it I suppose, but right now its still all too fresh to communicate with much clarity. So stay posted!

In other news, it's getting into the 40's this week. Yesterday was oh so "springy." Now the snow will melt. Now we will live in snow puddles for the next month, unless of course the temp drops again, which is very likely. But I'd like to think that it's almost March and the worst is over...? Please! I'm ready for some sun and some warmer days and...some color back in this skin. yep. so white.

A Thought for Your Sunday

“The glory of God is a human being fully alive.” –Irenaeus, 2^nd cent A.D.

(by the by, this is my 1,002 post on this blog. whaaa? crazy...)

The Church's Great Malfunctions

I really appreciated reading this article today. Volf does a great job of articulating some of the felt mystery/challenge but no doubt deep beauty of following/knowing God.

The Church's Great Malfunctions | Miroslav Volf | The Christian Vision Project

i live in a busy city

"Hurry is the death of prayer." -Samuel Chadwick

fat snowflakes

Putting thoughts down while the laundry dries is as good a time as any. Writing with a pencil on paper while watching fat snowflakes fall lazy out of the sky is a nice change from punching thoughts out on a keyboard (even though I've done just that by the time you read this, so you could share in these thoughts with me...). I like quiet afternoons at work, in between laundry and clean-up and the kids :)

Lately, the thought of blogging has felt daunting. There's too much to try to put down, get out, share with you...but then I'm eventually always unable to keep it in. Eventually I have to write.

I've been caught--frequently--in the moment of "now but not yet," the "on earth as it is in heaven" utterance that lingers on my lips when eternity unexpectedly breaks into moments down here. I guess it couldn't happen any other way. He interrupts us, doesn't He? He has to...otherwise we'd be forever tied to our ongoing routines, our patterns of thought and behavior, our entangling questions, pursuits, and ponderings.

For the first time I watched the Superbowl. Our family is one of recreational sports, not so much organized (/professional) sports. Put us in canoes on a lone river over the stadium--we're more comfortable there. This isn't for good or bad, it just is. So it was fun, for a change, to be around people who also appreciate the thrill and excitement of "the game." But...enthusiasm for the game and team pride aside (elements I definitely appreciate)...there was something about it all that I couldn't quite stomach.

We were watching the news coverage in Cairo--talk of the political, economic, and religious unrest, with all the video coverage included--when the newscaster said, "...and the eyes of the world are also on Dallas Texas, where preparations are being made for Sunday's big game..." and just like that the streets of Cairo became the streets of Dallas and I was dazed and confused and a little unsettled. Did those two stories really just fall back to back (not that surprising, i guess, it happens all the time)? But did he really just make the transition like that? Yeah, he did. And then I learned all about how we cater to our appetite for entertainment: a trophy that costs $25,000; extreme cases of people spending $4,000 on tickets to the game; consideration of player salaries; and a discussion of how much it will cost to melt, clean, and clear the snow/ice from the stadium. There are some things I will never understand (in this instance, how much money we can invest in a sport)...because sometimes I still see the eyes of hunger, need, and loneliness looking at me from the face of a small child in charge of himself...and 4 others...because the world has taken everything else...and sometimes I really struggle with the fact that I come from a country that sometimes so carelessly banners comfort, success, pleasure, and possessions (because i feel it in myself, too, and it unsettles me. sometimes i don't fight the tendencies in me first...)

Hear me: I'm not saying that entertainment is wrong. I'm not saying pleasure is wrong. I'm not saying that spending time, money, and energy on "fun things" is wrong. It can be, obviously, but it doesn't have to be. So don't think I'm sending out a general condemnation of all things pleasurable, enjoyable, entertaining, etc. That would be ridiculous. It's just that, sometimes there seems to be an imbalance, doesn't there?...and we aren't always willing to notice it responsibly. This weekend I noticed it--in myself, in all of us, in our country, and in the world...

So here I am, delighting in these fat snowflakes, thinking about the Egyptian people...and I keep picturing that $25,000 trophy...and I guess my heart hurts a little. Because I don't understand. I don't really know what to do. I pray. Sometimes I can't pray. And I realize that earth is behind heaven but we were taught to ask, "...as it is in heaven" and so I do...with what feels like such weak faith but with certain hope because even in this small short life I've lived I've seen how He's with us--getting messy right alongside; feeling the pain and acknowledging the imbalance.

Redemption is tied up with patience, I think (and patience with faith). Persistent patience. The journey. The process. Patience for healing, wholeness, peace, right order, reconciliation, shalom. We are people becoming. He makes all things new (but he doesn't always tell us how long it will take). I find myself living this with something of a dedicated curiosity. My heart, mind, and soul hold on but that doesn't mean I don't have questions or wonder.

Well, the fat snowflakes are falling out of an even darker sky, which means it's later--time to take the clothes out of the dryer and get the kids from school.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

And now, the newsy stuff :)

I had a lovely weekend. I absolutely reveled in the wonder of the Wisconsin winter woods. They were beautiful--long, dark shadows of the bare trees breaking up the snow all bright with sun! Gah, I wanted a pair of snowshoes so bad. But I got to go cross country skiing for the first time with Jake's mom. It was fun...and funny...and just really great. haha. I could definitely get used to winter with the sports included. yep.

Watching the Packers win with Wisconsin natives was also really fun...and funny...i thoroughly enjoyed it. I even got some of the game explained to me. Woo!! Learn something new every time :)

This morning Mariah and I had coffee with our pastor. It was great. So great. Encouraging, insightful, invigorating...yes, one of those times that makes you so grateful for good conversations and getting to know new people. We learn so much with and from one another, you know? It reminds me of something someone told me when I was in Swaziland: "everyone i ever meet has something to teach me." I've been learning fresh lately how blessed we are to live life with others. None of this solo-action crap. We keep setting ourselves up to be our most important project but we eventually tire, weary, and fall apart. Faith, for one thing, requires community. We believe for one another and with one another as we believe for ourselves...so goes the journey.

As you can tell, lot's of conversations and interactions over the past several days have made me think a lot...and God's been putting some pieces together in my heart and mind...pieces of questions, doubts, ideas, fears, etc...I'm grateful. A friend has said many times recently, "we count on His presence more than we know..." to which I say "yes, yes we do!"

Goodnight, everyone. I hope you are pushing through the grey and dark of winter. Spring will come. I remind myself of that often on these consecutively grey days :)

taking it all in

Do you ever have days that, at every moment, demand recording? So much is heard, seen, and experienced that you wish you had a pencil in your mind to mark it all down word-for-word..? I think this happens more often with a five-year-old around. Today was one such day for me--a fantastic day.

[sitting in the living room knitting while C watches Go Diego, Go]

C: "Andrea, could you please go into the other room, I would like my privacy."

Me: [giving him the look] "C, that's ridiculous. You're watching TV and I'm not making any noise, what do you need privacy for?"

C: "I just like it sometimes. And S is fine reading by herself. She gets to read by herself all the time."

[waiting outside while S finishes dance. C is eating his pretzels but one falls on the floor--carpet--and i pick it up and eat it]

C: "That's good, Andrea. When something falls on the ground you can pick it right up and eat it because your mouth washes it off."

[Not sure that was the lesson I was going for...]

[Also while waiting for S...always priceless conversations...]

C: "I've always known a lot about Ancient Rome and the Army. About six years."

Me: "Huh. So, basically you've known about them since before you were born?"

C: "Yep. I remember when I was in my mom's stomach and she ate an apple and it came floating, floating down to me whole and then I ate it."

Me: "But you hate apples. So...?"

C: "I mean, it was a banana."

Me: "Oooh."

C: "An apple and a Banana. That's my memory from inside my mom's stomach. Do you have any memories of being in your mom's stomach?"

Me: "Definitely not."

C: *laughs* "Oh."

[At McDonald's for lunch, S spills sauce on her coat and snowpants...]

S: "Ooh no! Well, I'll just have to tell mom to throw this right in the wash."

C: "It's all over your snow pants, too!"

--I get napkins and help her clean up--

C: "Well, you know what I always say. If you start a fight, you have to do it!"

Me: ????!!!!?

man...this little guy is funny. i've really been enjoying my job.

the homily

here's the homily recap from church on sunday. it's a short summary and well worth the read: check it out!