Sunday, April 23, 2006

Feeling a Little Funny

...i don't like it...

I am always on the verge of tears. I feel really overwhelmed and heavy...kind of depressed. I think its just because of all that is happening and about to happen in the next few weeks--all the work I have to do that I am not motivated to do, all the things I want to do before I leave but I am panicking about because I don't think I'll have time to do them all...

When I was younger and felt like this, I would tell my mom my "love tank" was empty. We would sit on the couch and talk...or I would cry and we would just snuggle. I miss it. Anyway...I think my love tank is empty...and I need a hug.

I'm trying to get my religion journals finished tonight. I'm not too far away...just unmotivated and REALLY distracted. I have had such a hard time focusing on my work. sigh.

I am up in lane in a classroom with a window facing the street. It has been raining and now the sun is coming out from behind the clouds--it is reflecting in the drops on the trees, making them look like they are dripping with gold. The new spring leaves are bright and looks magical.

Last night I took a walk by myself. It was good to think. My brain is on overload, though--thinking all the time. so I called my parents and talked to them while I sat on a bench in the quad. It was wonderful. Around 10 a bunch of us played capture the flag. It was so much fun...I love my friends so much. sigh.

Alright. I'm going to try to study some more. Oh wait. One more quick thought. Today in Church pastor Kyle referred to the verse in Hebrews about running the race and running for the joy set before. I had such a hard time focusing in Church (partly because I was so sleepy) and I felt really bad about being in such a thoughtful mood because I was so distracted...but this part of his sermon really captured me. So all day now I've been thinking about that--running (living) for the joy set before me. I've been doing a pretty awful job of it. I've really lost focus--in so many ways. I haven't been claiming my time. Anyway, all this to say I felt really convicted and realized how weak I am. Do you ever feel like you are struggling with the Arms of Grace? I guess its kind of like wrestling with God. I sort of feel like I have been wrestling with the Arms of Grace. Not that it is a bad thing. I think it is good. But sometimes I feel like I am making things hard on myself by not fully relying on grace--by not giving up my pride. Hmmm. Perhaps I'm learning the meaning of "when you are weak, then you are made strong"...I don't know. I'm in the middle of a lot of "big" things and it is a good place to be but I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. Sort of like I'm falling a part. Like I said, my love tank is empty.

I am sad about leaving but I am really feeling like I need a break. I need to think. I'm looking forward to summer...working, thinking, reading, traveling.

Lastly, I wish I could really tell you guys how much I love you. I love you a whole lot--including all your unique gifts an weird quirks :)

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