Sharing life is hard. It's hard to be vulnerable when the person on the other end of the conversation doesn't understand the extent of my passion or the depth of my drive. It hurts. But its necessary. This is what I'm learning.
I love my friends. I love them so much--the few that DO understand, to some greater degree, the extent of my passion and the depth of my drive. The Lord alone knows the ultimate extent and the entire depth. But I thank him for friends that know and understand a lot of who I am. These relationships are beautiful. I've decided that I'm an awful lover because I don't express my care and concern very well...at all. Spirit, teach me how! I want to love with purity and honest--deeply as Christ loves me.
I have felt very lonely today as a result of these feelings--like I'm in some sort of glass tube and I can't get through to others and they can't understand me. I guess I'm just feeling like I've shared my heart a lot and its gotten stepped on a bit--or looked over. There is growth in this, I'm sure, but the growth is hard. This moving of the Holy Spirit in me is too deep for words, so its hard to express to others. I don't even understand it fully myself.
I trust in the God who holds my life. I want more of Him. I yearn for more...I want to REALLY know Jesus, and TRULY believe what he says.
He's breaking my heart like I asked. Wow. It hurts. It's an incredible thing to watch happen in me.
I'd appreciate your prayers...that Christ would align my life to his; that my focus would be Jesus; that my vision would be God's; that my heart would be moved by the things that move HIS heart, and that it would break for the things that break His.
Seek hard. Seek really, really hard. This life is so short.
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Valley Song
You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy
When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face
But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures
While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut
And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down
2 comments:
hmmm i like your post.
its such a joy and privilege to see you grow so much. keep on running, your doing great. God is working extremely powerfully in you, and its so obvious to see. Its really exciting actually. I love the things you have to say they spur me on so much.
your life makes such an impact on mine.
thanks.
love you very much.
I miss your vulnerability. That's something I cherish about our friendship. You are one of the very few people I feel safe being vulnerable with.
Andrea, there are times when we see our faults very clearly, and I realize that. But you DO love with Christ's love and while it may feel small to you, just know that it is clear to everyone around you.
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