I recognize a growing “urge” to walk away from Him….from Him who IS life. The thought is terrifying and wept before the Lord as I confessed it tonight. And as I did so, I think I was able to “determine” why it is I feel this way. I’m angry with Him (again, I know, cause to tremble). I’m angry because I long to see the lives of those I have so grown to love at the Club made new. Made whole. I don’t see God changing them and I suppose I’ve despaired. What a wretched response. Weak heart I have.
There’s a beauty in the brokenness I feel. I am grateful to the Lord for placing me there this summer. A job obviously provided by Him. A job I hated. A place I “wanted out of.” An environment that seemed impossible. Now (with 2 weeks left), though I’m feeling “ready” to go back to school, I feel very sad. Frustrated to be, once again, saying goodbye to a group of people I might not ever see or work with again. I feel empty when I think that they will be out of my days. And just as I wonder what my own future holds, I wonder what each of theirs holds. As I have shared briefly in their struggles and dreams, I find myself hoping on each one’s behalf that the future will be good and satisfying…that they will find The Rock to stand on—the Hope of Glory that makes this life bearable…the joy in this journey that grants pleasure…the Shelter they can run to when evil is down and around. Oh how I long for their salvation. Is it too much to ask Him to see them again? Perhaps, even more, to spend eternity with them? I don’t think so…because I believe His Spirit places things on the heart that are of His heart. Glimpses of Heaven’s very own heartbeat. Hmm. Nothing is an accident. Not even a silly summer job…
I never expected to love these people like I do. How mysterious are His ways. My desire was to stay in Chicago, working and taking summer school. I saw no “reason” to be home in Tucson. Just goes to show you how near-sighted we can be. I know not the plans of the Lord. I am simply learning to walk where He shows me…and how poorly I feel I walk this path. Sweet Grace.
I recognize I am nothing, going nowhere, without Sweet Grace. This is a fleeting world we live in. Each moment is precious. All I can say is “Oh my God, how desperately I need You. Forgive me my anger towards you—forgive this unbelief. Restore to me the sight to see your grace that teaches me to trust when I don’t feel I know how. It is You who keeps this faith alive…because sometimes I don’t want to. Sometimes I can’t.”
Thankful to your Spirit who is walking me home.
Because I am only passing through…