mmm pumpkin muffins

i'm eating one of yesterday mornings pumpkin muffins from this recipe: smitten kitchen. I added chopped walnuts to the tops of them...delicious :)

A lot's happened since i last posted. peter mulvey came and went (it was an amazing show)




Kira is here visiting. It's been delightful having her here. man oh man, the best reunion ever :)
we've spend tons of time laughing, telling and remembering good stories, walking around chicago, watching movies, making good food...yesterday was our day in the city--the first "sunny" day since she got here wednesday night. It was a shedd aquarium free day so we made our way all the way down there only to find that the line was insanely long.





we didn't even think twice about waiting.



so we walked back up Michigan ave., saw the bean, took pictures, drank pumpkin spice lattes, ate chipotle, walked up to chicago, went into water tower, etc.





It was a lot of fun. The city was chaotic and busy which made us laugh on more than one occasion. It reminded us of Elf so, naturally, we watched it last night. Such a good movie. we made shrinky dinks (i had never made them before!) and then had breakfast burritos and smoothies for dinner.
Today is church and then Karyn's Cooked (vegan restaurant) for lunch! Then we have a few more craft projects we want to work on...maybe go to the bead store on Wells and work on Christmas presents for people. sigh...it's been so wonderful to have her here. i love our friendship.

In other news, my sister is PREGNANT again! Yes, I am super excited. She's due may 25. ack!!

Alright. I should get going. Hopefully this was a sufficient update for my long absence :) The days have been dreary, cold, and wet. Not at all beautiful fall days--except for windows of sun. Grey days are hard for me...

you know when you read something that is as if it were spoken by your own heart? you think, "ah, you've captured what i somehow cannot, thank you..."

So writes Heschel:

"Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal." -Abraham Heschel

God of the absurdities

I really enjoyed my Life in Bible Times class last Tuesday. Sometimes he is scattered and hard to follow (learning to teach still) but he had some really wonderful points last class. We were talking about Wisdom Literature--both in the Bible and the ANE (ancient near east). In discussing Job, he mentioned how when the absurdities of this world are experienced--things that hurt, cause questioning, don't make sense, etc.--we can remember God as master of the absurdities, which is what He reveals Himself to be in Scripture. He engages the broken heart in dialogue, lament, and questioning. He closes the lion's mouth. He calms the raging sea. As revealed in the book of Job, He is Creator of the universe, in management of that universe, and rules over the wild (other-worldly) creatures that are outside of man's domain.
When you encounter the absurd, who is God and what does He say? This moment of question, for many, is a loss of faith. The God of the Bible reveals himself as master of the absurdities...and God reigns over the things you have yet to encounter and experience.
So we wrestle to develop a true and honest theology in the midst of these hard things (faith trying to make sense of experience). We learn lament, we build community, we share lives with each other, we open our homes...
The Bible doesn't offer pristine, downloadable theology such that we "plug in" and transfer an easy-to-live faith.


- - - - - - -
Come and see, look on this mystery
The Lord of the Universe, nailed to a tree
Christ our God, spilling His Holy blood
Bowing in anguish, His sacred head

Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing of His faithfulness, pouring His life out unto death

Come you weary and He will give you rest
Come you who mourn, lay on His breast
Christ who died, risen in Paradise
Giver of mercy, Giver of Life

Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.

Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.

Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.

confession

autumn makes me think of candles which makes me think of winter and christmas...which makes me think of christmas music. so...what has my recent urge been? you guessed it, christmas music. i have three of sufjan stevens christmas albums. they are incredible. but i told myself not until november. who starts listening to christmas music in OCTOBER???!! This is nonsense. erin--brilliant roommate that she is--said i could listen to ONE song to "get it out of my system." I hope it works. We're currently listening to Sufjan's "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel." this is one of my favorite christmas songs. sigh...

ok. to the books!!!

fly, fly away

George Eliot said something to the effect that if he were a bird, he would fly around the world chasing the successive autumns. i think i would, too.

today i am grateful for a warm home, a bed, food, and this hot cup of coffee i am now drinking. so many don't have these things and we are entering into colder seasons and longer/darker days. for me there is the joy and anticipation of family gatherings, tradition, meals, gifts, togetherness. i enjoy this time of year very much--mom always said i was the family "traditionalist." well, i am aware of those who don't share the same joy and anticipation of this season--even friends close to me. my season of "full-heart" reminders is another soul's season of pain and "heart-loss." Lord, step into our seasons of unique need.

oh, unashamed life!

life doesn't ask permission. things happen to us--so unexpectedly sometimes. each new moment offers opportunities and challenges; choices and possibilities. how we react and respond to these circumstances has a lot to say about the meaning we find in life.

lately i've been bloated with joy. at times it almost seems like a terrible distraction. i find myself asking, again, "is it possible to love my life too much?" you know, in the christian community we like to emphasize that we are "made for another world" and "citizens of heaven." this is true, of course. i still agree with Lewis that "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was made for a different world." But, we are also humans--temporal--living in a temporal world. i believe the loves and pleasures we rightly enjoy here on earth are reflections of a greater--fuller--expression of those things in heaven. as one friend put it, we are experiencing "flecks of heaven" on this earth. I can imagine Brueggemann calling them "cadences of home."

when i walk to and from work there's a tree on the side of the road that is one of a kind: it is changing color before all the others. i have stopped several times to pick up leaves for pressing. i catch my breath at the beauty.

at times my heart feels near bursting when i feel the morning sun on my face or catch the twinkle in the eye of a passing stranger. i am very pleased with my life. i love what i am learning. i am privileged to struggle in order that growth and maturity might be possible. i am grateful that God has given me so much (grace upon grace)--a strong, thinking mind, a hopeful heart, a vibrant soul. i don't ever want to take these things for granted.

I'm still reading The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World. It's taking me a long time because of all the other things i am doing along the way. It is a troublesome read for me because it stirs some of the "same old" concerns and frustrations. Like...if we, as the church, don't develop a theology of suffering, we have no way of entering into this "redemptive memory" and the task of "remembering rightly." we won't be able to bring healing through (and to) memory.
yes, this troubles me. I am troubled that there is so little care and concern about this subject. the world speaks using voices of suffering. the souls of the world are well acquainted with lament-speech. the hearts of the world long for truth-telling about the condition they're in. this cannot be done without developing a theology of suffering. this cannot be done if the church does not learn to hear voices of suffering and lament, for the hope of telling the truth about God, about redemption, and about humankind.

more and more i want to engage this issue. more and more i want to find ways to get my head, hands, and heart deeper involved.

as image-bearers and ambassadors, can we be agents and avenues of redemption in this world? how can we challenge and encourage the church (ourselves) to be a better expression of this redemption?

these questions poke and prod me.

well, it's been a long week and i'm exhausted. goodnight, all. i hope tonight finds you well--able to enjoy a fall night wherever you are. think of noticing the beauty of our days. let it catch your breath.

coffee and vanilla soy milk

a little bit of sweet and nutty but not too much. mmm. fall goodness :)

today is a good day. i looked at the calendar to realize that kira will be here in 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i woke up early (5:30) for the second morning in a row--habits are hard to form, i realize. but still. i'm pleased :)
at 7 zach and whitney came over to make swedish pancakes. it was so much fun. zach has an ancient recipe from his grandpa and i must say they're pretty amazing. all three of us flipped pancakes in the pan. yes, without a spatula. pure talent.

good company, fun memories, yummy food, and laughter. we even watched an episode of Recess.

so the other night i made fried green tomatoes.


i bought one at the farmer's market on saturday and got the recipe from the "bonus features" of the movie. well, they weren't very good. lacy's mom makes them with egg, which is apparently the "right" way to make them. i guess i'll have to try again. it was worth it for the fun of the experience, though, and i got to think about how wonderful that movie is :)

i've started my fall knitting project! yesterday i took the kids to the cutest little "art studio" and yarn store. i bought a burnt yellow color to go with my green that has burnt red and yellow flecks. i like the colors so much. also, i think i'm going to learn a new stitch this fall. it's about time.


knitting reminds me of winter nights in tucson on the couch with hannah--knitting away while mom read aloud the little house on the prairie books. those were good times.

i collected another 7 leaves or so yesterday on my way to work. i'm telling you, this is such a beautiful time of year.

i have three books to read this weekend. actually, two to start and finish and one to just finish. ha. i had completely forgotten about one of them. oops. i think i might start packing something for dinner so i can leave work and go directly to a coffee shop to work. hmm.

the grad. school fair is tomorrow. i'm going to talk to the wheaton representative ack!!

alright. enough nonsense that you are probably tired of reading :)

oh wait--a thought for the afternoon:
spiritual disciplines (or healthy life disciplines in general)....what are yours?

middle america

i remember writing a journal entry last christmas entitled "middle america" (yes, i went through a phase of titling my entries. i still do from time to time). i was sitting at the rincon mountain farmer's market over christmas break, selling my luminarias. i had worked late the night before at the country club cocktailing. there i sat, in a lawn chair watching "middle america" on a saturday morning. there was an old man in overalls--a most friendly gentleman--who i just sat and watched. in that moment i was preferring "middle america" (i borrowed the term from "Omaha" but counting crows) over the wealthier crowd of the country club. there are challenges to people everywhere but the country club environment was hardest for me, i think. sometimes i forget how much i learned and was changed by that experience. hmm.

all that to say, i went to the division street farmer's market with michelle this morning. it was wonderful. she goes much more regularly than i and so she knows people. i bought spinach and feta hummus (pretty much incredible) from the hispanic guys that run the most friendly, most jolly booth on the whole stretch of pavement. they're incredible. they remember michelle from week-to-week and were excited to meet one of her friends. "see you next week," one of them said to me, and it made me so delighted inside.

i bought a green tomato because tomorrow, you see, i am going to make fried green tomatoes. aside from the fact that it's a wonderful movie, i've never actually made them. and i want to. and tomatoes are cheap because the season is closing.

i bought 2 turnips, 1 bell pepper, 2 banana peppers, and 1 zuccini for $2.50. hurra! i also bought a bouquet of dahlia's. they are a most pretty flower. I've never had any before. they've made it on the list of possible flowers to include in a wedding (yes, these lists exists inside my head).

speaking of lists...i have a list that's recently been growing: things i want to do soon in life (that is, in the next 5-10 years).
1. drive across country through back roads and small towns--the heartland (bed and breakfasts and campgrounds)
2. drive up the east coast in the fall (on up through maine to see the lighthouses and learn to like good sea food).
3. live as self-sufficient as i can for a year (that is, garden and can, a cow or goat for milk/cheese/butter, sew a lot of my own clothes).
4. own a bike with a basket

there are a great many things on this list. these are only a few that have been forward in my thoughts. life is unsure and unpredictable, though, and i realize i don't really know if or when any of these things will happen. but dreaming happens anyway :) and i like it.

yesterday was a good day. i finished and delivered my sermon (whew!); i had coffee and good conversation with Charity (finally we were able to hang out...sigh. i love her); good conversation with Amy about our "book club" (The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World); watched No Country for Old Men with friends and discussed it a little (understood more the second time, though it is such a hard film to watch).

ok. i am about to eat lunch (the new hummus on some new whole wheat rye--can someone say YUM?!) and go hide away in a coffee shop to get some work done. but first, i think you should know things i'm looking forward to as fall starts...so you can think about things YOU want to do this fall. Here are just a few:

1. A knitting project with the girl I nanny (Monday's after homework we are working on a pink and purple scarf :))
2. Monday morning breakfasts with Charity
3. Letter writing with a cup of tea (i'm going to try to make this a Sunday afternoon activity)
4. Collecting colored leaves to press for framing or sending in the mail (i've started collecting some!)
5. Waking up early to read Jeremiah (i've decided i need to be better about getting up early...and my interest/desire has been peaked for Jeremiah. I always get shaken reading the prophets. I haven't read in Jeremiah in a long time...)

life is precious; life is sweet

i've talked to kira, mariah, and mark this week! granted, they weren't super long conversations--especially with the girls. mark gets more time because he's in germany :) you're lucky i picked up an "unavailable" id ;) it's always good to talk with far-away friends.

i've been tired a lot...to bed too late and up early. sigh. i plan to remedy this. also, i'm weaning myself off coffee. i'm down to mostly decaf with a little regular (to keep the headaches off). by next week i should be fine!

i signed up on sundays for community group information. i'll admit i don't particularly enjoy "putting myself out there." I realize that's the way to plug in and get to know people...but i'm not very good at it. i'm going to start going to pastor Bob's home group on tuesday nights. i look forward to it.

i'm learning that kids ask beautiful, uninhibited questions. sometimes it gets old but most of the time its precious. like this one from cam, "who made the whole wide world? and was the sky made, too?"

i want to share more with God. there's so much that I keep to myself because i assume he knows. he does, of course--i'm not trying to say he doesn't know these things i keep. but i want to be more proactive and intentional in sharing my life with him--all the thoughts, dreams, questions, concerns. hm.

ok. i need to not be late for class.

ciao

sermon-writing

it's hard to sermon write knowing that my professor for the class is going in for open heart surgery. sigh. Dr. de Rosset had 99 percent blockage. this is so unexpected. in an email to me she mentioned that she's been reminded of O'Connor's words that "sickness is a necessary geography." i love her. i respect her so much.

first sermon and already i've hit walls. mostly i've been afraid to approach it. i teach on psalm 42 (delivered friday)--prayer and lament. maybe it's because i'm intimidated to teach Scripture. maybe it's because i am so gripped by the subject i feel i can't dare do it justice. maybe i realize it's something i need to still learn and keep learning so teaching it seems a bit strange.
but i once heard that we teach best what we need to learn most. this isn't to say that we don't, as teachers/speakers, prepare, study, and understand that which we desire to teach (this is a duty). But to truly learn something can take much longer than we give ourselves credit. so the discovery of the need is a step in the journey (but you're right, let's not settle there). i've discovered my need to learn more bold, raw, truth-telling prayer, and i feel passionately about others doing the same.

hmm. we'll see how it goes.

in researching, i came across this quote again from Billman and Migliore in "Rachel's Cry: Prayer of Lament and Rebirth of Hope."
“Prayer in the Hebrew Scriptures freely expresses feelings of distress, anger, and abandonment. Israel cries to God, boldly questions God, complains that God is far off, argues with God in prayer."

make my faith more honest, Lord, and it's expression more true.

love visitors

the mcgee's were here! i haven't seen them since May. Sam has changed SO MUCH. Wow, he's growing fast. sigh. and i won't see them again until Christmas.

it was good to be with them. talked with jay last night and got some good brotherly advice about life. enjoyed sister time with kristen today sitting on the couch with cups of coffee while jay and sam took naps. mmm. such good times. tonight we had a wonderful dinner and laughed a lot. i love them. hopefully someday i'll live closer to them.






oh life.

i feel like i've been saying "oh life" with a sigh to myself a lot lately. hmm. that's just the way it is.

i got my peter mulvey ticket in the mail yesterday. yep. it's happening. i can't wait.

the sun has been shining a lot. i love it. the weather is cooling a little, too, which reminds me of coming autumn. that makes me happy. the family i nanny for lives in a neighborhood with big leafy trees--you know, the kinds that change brilliant color in fall. i think i'll go early and sit under them when they're yellow, orange, and red.

thank you, Lord, for such a life to live. yes, it sometimes seems to hold "too much," but i wouldn't have it any other way.

the story i heard

today will be a day of miscellaneous things.

(1) finish assignment
(2) skip one class and go to another
(3) work
(4) research in the library
(5) hide away in a coffee shop to get homework done
(6) get to bed at a (hopefully) decent hour

tomorrow jay, kristen, and sam are coming. i am so excited. i am beyond excited. i miss my family.
i'm feeling sad today. i don't really know why--its just a melancholic day.

thinking about how i need to get my butt in gear as far as my classes are concerned. sometimes i forget that i need to remember i'll be applying to grad. programs and grades actually do matter, to a good degree.
i have too much on my plate...
sigh.

oh life.

currently listening to: the story i heard by blind pilot.
i really like blind pilot.

my nephew is the cutest

no apologies

so i really didn't get any homework done this weekend. it's ok, though. i make no apologies. you know those times when you just can't really get it done, other things that are more important to you come up, you need a break, and its ok...? yeah, it's been one of those weekends.

melissa came over saturday night. we ended up sleeping out in the living room together and talking into the wee hours of the morning. with lacy's half marathon to drive to in the morning (WOO!) we got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. i still haven't taken a nap (yawn). but it was so so good to talk with her. it was good to listen and be listened to. it was good to give and receive advice. it was good to give and receive prayer. again, it's a theme, i am blessed by wonderful friends.



lacy ran well and finished 13.1 miles!!!!! SHE RAN A HALF MARATHON!! everyone came over here for lunch and then i went on a long walk. i sat in lincoln park by myself, read some psalms, thought about life, prayed for awhile, thought some more, and walked back. i called hallie on the way back--it had been waaay too long since we've talked. sigh, i miss her friendship close to me. it was good to catch up. I ended up in washington park where there was an art/craft show. i walked by the booths and then headed back home. sometimes those long walks are the best kind of breather.

tonight we watched state of play. good movie.

tomorrow is monday--and my first day at the new job. I'm a little nervous but also excited.

it's a new week.

you know what? I've been looking forward to my bedtimes. you know why? I've started using that "before I go to bed" time to write prayers. it's been good to cleanse and close my days in this way. hm...

we wrestle to let go
we wrestle to let go of our lives
we want to believe that our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
we want to be sure we know how it will all "work out"
but then the silence
we wrestle to let go
in the silence we don't know if our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
in the silence we don't know how it will all work out
and we wrestle to let go

(goodnight)

"skinny love" on a saturday morning

hearing this song brings back so many memories of the summer--rappelling the afternoons away with Duran (while listening to his hysterical stories about 8 year old campers); laughing uncontrollably with Kira; hanging out on the weekends with Phil, Duran, Callie, and Kira; hiking the 14-er; 4th of July with the OC and Saigon Stars; blob wars before banquet; lazy afternoons in a canoe; laughing at campers; mountain air; morning prayer with Kira...the list is endless. that time was sweet.

i slept in today!! woohoo. it felt so good. i then proceeded to make carrot cake pancakes with cream cheese spread. Mmmmm. it was yummy.

last night Kjieri, Wendy, and I went for a long walk down by the lake. It was glorious. we walked out to the end of the pier and sat in the dark for a long time talking about God, life, relationships, growing up...i treasure moments like those. i really appreciate good conversations with friends. I haven't spent much time with the two of them in a long time. it was so nice.

you know what gets me? we talked about this a little last night...what gets me is skewed understandings (or perspectives) of what it "means" to "be a man" (or "be a woman," for that matter). sometimes i get a little weary of the million-and-one requirements we place on each other in Christian circles regarding gender. Yeah, of course there are differences--even "things to look for/desire..." But really. Men have parts that distinguish them as men and women have a whole set of their own. Beyond that there are qualities we look for and desire but I hate when people try to smash the opposite gender into neat categories. What makes a man a man isn't simply his ability to climb mountains and start fires (though these might be desired skills)--kind of like what makes a woman a woman isn't simply her ability to cook and keep house. There is so much that is important--respect, integrity, honesty, tenderness, care, determination, honor, love, humility, and the list goes on--and gets overlooked if people only focus on strict categories of gender (stereotyping!)...(and i'm not talking about roles in marriage and family)

oh well. it bugs me.
and that was my rant for the day :)

i really really really have to do homework. bleh...

i've been having lots of confusing emotions lately. i rather hate confusing emotions. i don't know what to do with them.

you know its a tourist when...

...he's having his kids take pictures of a pigeon. maybe their being in front of the sears tower was also a dead give away. take our pick.

i'm back in chicago. you probably didn't know, i was in cleveland. i stayed the weekend with Sarah and T.J. in their new little apartment. it was wonderful...
saturday morning sleep in and talking at the kitchen table eating Sarah's amazing homemade cinnamon roles and drinking coffee. ah, nothing can beat it! Sarah and i went to the Cleveland Art Institute Sat. evening while T.J. was working. We also watched You've Got Mail which made me wish (among other things) for fall. Mm how I'm growing more and more anxious for sweaters, crisp air, and mugs filled with hot liquids. I hope I am able to get out of the city this year to see some more of the color--maybe collect a few leaves or two. Autumn is my favorite season.
i enjoyed the experience of their church and good conversations about what life after Moody is like--particularly church-culture outside Moody. Thoughts I haven't really had yet, but will (no doubt) in less than a year.
it was great to be away from school, with good friends, just living and relaxing together. it was great to see Sarah and just BE with her. sigh...i'm grateful for my friends.

and now i'm back. i feel rejuvenated, which is nice. my internship proposal was approved on friday, which has generated great excitement, nervousness, and some stress :) It's a rather large undertaking but it also really excites me--which is usually a good combination.

i need to get my clothes out of the dryer. have i ever mentioned how much i love the smell of clean, warm clothes? i do...

weak knees

we tremble before God not because we are afraid of Him, but because we begin to understand that following Him will take us out and away from places to which we cannot [indeed will not; must not] return.
--thoughts from my pastor and echoes of my own heart-realization.

things are looking good for the approval of my internship. i typed up the proposal and meet with the chair of the bible department tomorrow to discuss details...hopefully in the department meeting at the end of september it will be finalized. I haven't wanted to get too excited about it prematurely. it's hard to believe a few weeks ago i had little to no idea what i wanted to do or even a direction to pursue. i've spent the last few days in grateful awe of God's bringing me here--to this place, this time, these moments.

life is such a remarkable gift, do you ever think of that? today i was delighted by Him over and over again. His presence can be so startling and unexpected. its funny how you pray for something day after day after day and if he chooses to break in in a tangible way, it throws you off...even though you've prayed for it. huh...

friends are great

today i got an email from Kira. it was a $10 gift card to itunes and it said, "it's not much but one of the worst parts of no money is no new music--enjoy. i love you sweet thing." haha. to say the least, it made me smile big and miss her MORE than I already do. sigh... the good news is, she's coming to visit in October. Woohoo. the 15-19!!!

i've now purchased a few of Peter Mulvey's new songs. gosh, he's so good. so i'm on the couch (er, i was until i got distracted by my computer)...with a cup of chai tea...and my book. I'm reading The World Must Know--about the Holocaust. Hm. I should probably get back to it.

ciao

cereal from a mug is better

actually, i think anything out of a mug is better. not just the warm liquids (you know the ones: tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cider...) but soups, cereals, and the like.
today i bought three mugs at the salvation army for $1.62. hot deal!
anyway, i'm eating cheerios with banana out of a mug and its absolutely wonderful.

tonight i'm thinking this:
i'm grateful that God doesn't get tired of hearing our prayers the way that we sometimes get tired of praying them (Luke 18:1-8). i thought of this as i walked back from the library--tired, thoughtful, weak (that achy, sick feeling...bleh), and whispering prayers into the dark that i've prayed countless times before. the air was cool and fresh; the moon bright and watchful. i was reminded, again, of Luke 18:1-8. Oh, keep whispering those prayers. Keep on...

oh, pete!

first of all, peter mulvey has a new album out! It's called "Letter from a Flying Machine." From clips, it sounds great. second of all, HE'S COMING BACK TO CHICAGO!! I hope to go. He'll be at Evanston S.P.A.C.E. again--a fabulous show last spring.

today was a great day. psalms class was inspiring and richly terrifying--sometimes i feel like Howard rightly focuses our hearts on the holiness of God. We get close to that holiness and it sometimes evokes a trembling in me.
i also went in to talk with Dr. Schmutzer about life, internship ideas, etc. He was greatly encouraging and we were able to brainstorm about about different possibilities. he's going to help me get something "different" approved by the Bible department. he gave me a few book titles to look into--always an excitement.

the semester is shaping up nicely. classes are really good--especially the holocaust, psalms, and message prep. i'm going to be challenged, stretched, and grown so much by these professors.

tonight Erin made wonderful stir-fry. Justin is coming over for a visit--always fun. I have no homework. i'd like to spend some time journaling and then in bed at an early(ish) hour!

home for a year

Living in jenkins has been glorious. here are the promised pictures (minus the bedroom which is currently messy. and because it's raining and dark, some of these are blurry. sorry). kristen, i think you are the only one that is really interested :)
Also, i put up pictures of the bread bowls--mom also wanted to see them. They turned out super yummy and not bad for a first try. hopefully there will be more, especially when it gets cold. Mmm.
There's something about having SPACE to live in that (1) makes me feel more human (2) inspires me to learn (3) relaxes me. There's something about the ability to BE--on the couch, in the bedroom, taking a shower in the bathroom, in the kitchen--that is much more freeing than being cooped up in a dorm room between the same four walls. We can have people OVER and visit in a "real" living room. I don't know, maybe these are trivial delights but they are nevertheless real. I love the floor to ceiling windows, too. Sigh. I'm blessed. I have thanked the Lord many times for this gift (especially since so much was given or borrowed and we didn't have to spend a ton of money).

Alright. enough babbling. here are the pictures...



oh, so yummy! especially filled with Trader Joe's roasted red pepper tomato soup!!! I LOVE SOUP!!





Well, that's our humble abode! and now i have to go to class :)

simple things

a bowl of granola and cheerios with fresh blueberries and strawberries...followed by a strong cup of hot coffee. i'm grateful for the simple things.

want to share this prayer i came across while reading yesterday. it captures and articulates my heart in these days...

"we would know more of you"

You are the God of all truth, the God of deep hiddenness.
God of all hiddenness who shows yourself in your being hidden,
who hides yourself in your disclosures,
we would know more of you
of your goodness and your mercy,
of your large purposes and long-term dreams.
In your presence we become aware of how little we know of ourselves,
of our interests and passions,
of our fears and dreads,
of our own wonderments and gifts.
In your truthfulness, let us know more of you
and in knowing you, ourselves as well.
We pray in the name of Jesus, where we see you fully,
and ourselves clearly. Amen.

(walter brueggemann)

some days just feel "strange"

and today was one of them.

it was a good day, don't get me wrong. it just had moments of weird or strange.

lunch with the slackline crew--we made mexican and had everyone over to Jenkins. we then went down to the beach but had to set the line up under the trees instead. i couldn't stay long because i had a cocktail part to attend. yes, you read this correctly. it was an "interview" for a nanny job. I'll be working about 10 hrs a week with this really nice family watching the SWEETEST and cutest little girls. They are beautiful and seem really well behaved. i think it will be good. hopefully i'll also be able to pick up more hours through some of her friends. i'm grateful for God's speedy provision of a job.

i went to vespers briefly. i can never seem to stay at events like that long. don't really know why. tonight it just felt so strange...for a variety of reasons that i won't go into with much detail. but i did look at lacy and say "this feels funny. sarah and mariah should be here." tears always seem like they are quick to build up and boil over. so we came back to the apartment and i made coffee while we talked and sat.

later, phil ands kevin came over for a visit. we played a hybrid version of catch phrase, ate cookies, and laughed. it felt good to laugh. it reminded me how much i miss laughing with Kira this summer...
candace visited for awhile, too. it was wonderful.

tomorrow classes start and i can't decide what the heck i'm "feeling" inside. senior year...really no idea of "what's next," the world is open and mysterious and i just don't have any idea. i spent some time this morning journaling, read Psalm 63 (a favorite) and read Brueggemann's prayer "the din undoes us." sometime soon i'll try to post the prayer. it's beautiful, rich, and bold and I love it.

i think my heart is just a conglomeration of thoughts, emotions, and feelings...and i don't really know what to do about it.

this strangeness is a bit frustrating.

i need to take more walks. sometimes i feel like i need a friend to walk with me, though, because if i'm by myself i do too MUCH thinking.

confession

i use men's gillette shaving cream to shave my legs. it might make me smell kind of like a man when i'm done but i don't care. it's a whole lot cheaper than the pink and purple bottles. at least i'm shaving, right? i'm generally highly unmotivated to shower, much less shave. my shower schedule for most of the summer was sunday and thursday. for some reason it's difficult to keep it now that i'm back in "civilization." expectations get to me sometimes...but only sometimes...cuz i'm still using gillette :) You know what? I enjoyed my showers a whole lot more when they were on sunday and thursday. they felt better. hmph. i'm sure there's a theory that could be developed here. hannah? one for the book? :)

the apartment is coming along. i'll post pictures soon--once its more set up and settled. we get our couches and tv today. yesss. I'm enjoying our kitchen very much. maybe too much. is that possible? I've been here for a week and I've made homemade granola, bread bowls (which actually turned out quite well for a first time), and banana bread. that's not to mention good meals. Mmmm. so so good.

i love having a place to BE, and not just one room. This morning i got up early and journaled for an hour in front of our big windows. sigh. it does my soul good :)

students are returning...

its that time of the year again--textbooks! i love it and i hate it. love the books (well, the good ones); hate spending the money (who thinks its a good idea to charge $50 for one freakin' book??!). Now that i've clepped spanish, i can say that i am very excited about my classes (er, maybe not Apologetics). I'm taking...

Apologetics
The Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil in the 21st Century
Message Prep for Women
Cross-Cultural Church Planting
Life in Bible Times
Gospel of John (Independent study)
and i am auditing Psalms with Howard!!!!!!!

Looks like a good load, eh? I'm excited about it.

i need to get going. i hope you're enjoying the sun today! it sure is beautiful.

dreams do come true!! :)

I'm getting my Papa's old film camera! Grandma has been saving it for awhile but is now passing it off. I am SO EXCITED. It looks something like the picture below. If you want, you can read a little more about it HERE.

I CAN'T WAIT! Now maybe I will get to learn how to develop my own film. Mmmm.....

life goes on.

listening to: "See You Soon" by Aaron Espe.

I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I love. Life is full of hard goodbyes. Sarah, Mariah, Kira, Phil, Duran, Callie, Rachel...these are the recent goodbyes that have taken a toll on me. I can't stop thinking about them, wishing them here with me or me there with them, remembering times shared, conversations had, dreams explored and wondered over. Someday...



In a lot of ways, though, it is good to be back. Living in Jenkins is an absolute huge blessing. I feel more like a "real" person (as Tiffany also articulated). We have a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room. We can eat at a table and sit on a couch. I made black bean burritos and sauteed peppers; cooked oatmeal on the stove; took orange juice out of our refrigerator; made coffee on our kitchen counter. I count these things as a huge blessing 1. because i've never had them "on my own" before and 2. because much of the world doesn't experience or enjoy such luxuries. We're blessed here.





I have a picture hanging beside my desk of a young Burmese boy in a refugee camp out to get water. Zach took it in Bangladesh this summer. It has reminded me several times this week that 1. I haven't traveled out of the country in over two years 2. I have prayed many times for those children and in my heart i long to see them where they live someday. I've been thinking more about post-Moody "plans." In part because people have asked (after all, I am going into my final year...) and in part because I just dream. But I'm in a funny place in life right now...almost unable to dream. At least unable to commit to my dreams, which is different than in the past. God taught me some more about living in the present this summer. The hard, unashamed present. Knowing God there (here) and loving Him--living Him--is not easy. No, it's not very easy.



I'm stepping out of a painful and broken season into a whole new unknown season. Funny how life is lived in pieces, isn't it? Here I am, in Chicago, IL, with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of warm green tea. Sometimes I'm caught in moments that demand I ask the question "how did I get here?" God's faithfulness has shown me the way. Even though its been hard to "feel" Him near, as I remember, look back, and question, He is faithful to show me glimpses of His glory all in-and-around me. I've said it before--I'm so tangled up in Him. He couldn't get rid of me if He tried :)



I'm overwhelmed by His goodness; His provision; His love and tender care. I've been given so much...and, perhaps above all, I have been given remarkable people to live and experience life with. Whether I'm with them for a month, two months, two years, or five...I am gifted. It is a pleasure to share life and live inside the beautiful church body. I have a new and growing love affair with the church. Derek Webb was onto something :)

goodbyes are hard.

i love these friends so much. south america, here we come!!!

I MISS MY NEPHEW!!!!!!

An old one...for kicks :) He's so much bigger now!!

do you ponder?

most people know i'm an introspective person. engaging with wee ones all summer has put a hold on my ability to process much at all. i haven't had any alone time. this week, since we don't have campers, i've been able to capture some time alone in thought, prayer, journaling, and reading. It's been really wonderful to begin to process this "strange" summer a little bit before I actually have to leave.

i keep thinking i have to figure out "what God has taught" me this summer or "what he's revealed." maybe because i anticipate the familiar questions, probing lessons learned and growth received over a summer break.

to be truthful, i don't know what God's taught or how he's grown me...or even "if," because i don't necessarily feel it. with this time to "process," I've realized that the past year of my life has been extremely difficult. I even remember having a conversation with a few friends about feeling like I've been living, going, moving, and if I stop, something will catch up with me, though i don't know what. This summer has made me stop. and i think the "something" that has caught up is the realization that this past year has been rough. It's been a hard year of life and faith. in a lot of ways, i feel really hurt, broken, and bruised. As a friend recently acknowledged: "whole new vast areas of God have opened up that i never saw before"but in the midst of this, life has become much less carefree. Faith itself is less carefree.

so i don't really know what things will look like moving forward and on after this summer. i don't really have a clue what God's doing, where He's taking me. i try to live my life out each day--throughout the mundane, because that's where we live. It's hard. the present is so unashamed.

i am grateful, however, that i'm not alone in this. it's good to talk to like-souls that can share similar wonderings.

14ers and such

The summer is passing fast and sweet. I am exhausted...more tired than i have ever been...but at the same time i am so enjoying my time here (a truly unforgettable summer). some friends and i have found it necessary to have coffee and conversation at 5am in the A-frame on Tuesday and Wednesday mornings, before our kids are up. It is wonderful. Also, the weekends have been amazing. Last weekend we camped and hiked a couple of 14ers. It was lots of fun and so beautiful. This weekend Kira and I drove down to Canon City and i am spending some time with Luker.
Friday afternoons are the best feeling in the world and the deepest kind of "tired" i can think of. But by Sunday afternoon God somehow replenishes me and provides the grace to welcome another group of campers with excitement.
I don't have time to really tell stories so the pictures will have to speak enough for now...

God as enough

not just "thank you, God, for giving me all I need" or "Lord, you have given me more than enough" but "God, YOU are enough."

more to do with his very character--His ESSENCE.

By nature, He is enough. This is in my head right now.

(and below are a few pictures of life's current happenings...)

Week before last--probably my favorite cabin of campers so far. They were awesome. and super cute. These pictures are from crazy night. I think i pretty much only take pictures on crazy night...apparently. i should work on that.





these were my girls from last week. pretty easily my toughest week yet. i was so tired; sick with two different things...it was "ADA week," which is American Diabetes Association week....so we were living and learning lots about diabetes and helping the kids have fun in the midsts of tests, etc. It was a good challenge, i guess but i'm glad to see it over. I had a couple really difficult girls and a couple of amazing ones...



Duran. as "pooh." crazy night. enough said :)