“One night the teacher took Wiesel back to his own barracks, and there, with the young boy as the only witness, three great Jewish scholars—masters of Talmud, Halakhah, and Jewish jurisprudence—put God on trial, creating, in that eerie place, ‘a rabbinic court of law to indict the Almighty’” (Introduction vii).
On Tuesday I finished reading The Trial of God, by Elie Wiesel. It is his depiction of the event he witnessed years ago in the concentration camp. “For years Wiesel lived with the tension and dilemma of that memory, pondering how to communicate its despairing solemnity” (Introduction, vii). He finally chose to write it as a play. It is a remarkable work. I can’t really express what an incredible, vivid, and stunning work it is—different than any of his other works that I have read (Night, Dawn, Day). It is difficult and gripping.
I won’t give away the story line. I want you to read it. As thinking human beings (generally) and as responsible Christians (specifically) I think it is necessary for us to wrestle with the issues raised in this book. We all have questions about God—many of the “hard” and “messy” ones arise from experiences of suffering or come from witnessing the trauma that fills this world. If we are to live for and believe in the redemption of the world (and it’s contents), this matters.
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?
You can’t say you’ve never asked them—or, at least, thought them. I don’t believe I’m the only one that wrestles with loose ends and disfigured categories. Look at the world around us. Cry out to the God who IS.
On Wednesday we had a worship chapel and I struggled to sing choruses that pushed for happy praise and the expression of neat, proper worship for God. Maybe this was because I had, fifteen minutes prior, walked out of my “Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil” class having just watched a documentary on the concentration camps. I have never watched such graphic, live footage. Dr. McDuffee challenged us to consider (a) how such atrocities can be committed by men (some that claim to know God) and (b) how this can happen in front of God—can we know anything of His response?
I’d just like to share a few quotes from the play that hit me hard.
“…I’ll yell for truth all by myself! I’ll howl words that have been howling inside me and through me! I’ll tear off all the masks of Him whose face is hidden! With or without an attorney present, Your Honor, the trial will take place!” (103).
“You are using images, let me add mine. When human beings kill one another, where is God to be found? You see Him among the killers. I find Him among the victims” (129).
“You would like to hear the victims? So would I. But they do not talk. They cannot come to the witness stand. They’re dead…I implore the court to consider their absence as the weightiest of proofs, as the heaviest of accusations. They are witnesses, Your Honor, invisible and silent witnesses, but still witnesses! Let their testimony enter your conscience and your memory! Let their premature, unjust deaths turn into an outcry so forceful that it will make the universe tremble with fear and remorse!” (129).
“You can force yourself to accept sadness, not joy” (145).
“Just? How can anyone proclaim Him just—now? With the end so near? Look at us, look at Hanna, search your own memory: between the Jews who suffer and die, and God who does not—how can you choose God?” (157).
Well, dear reader, do you feel the questions now?
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?
Obviously (but not so obvious to many, it seems) these questions hold great implication for all people everywhere, all over the world, and in any time.
The Afterword for Wiesel’s book is by Matthew Fox and is artfully titled, “The Trial of God, The Trial of Us.” His articulation and integration of the contents of Wiesel’s book is very good. I’d like to share a few things that he writes…
“Because the Jewish Biblical tradition teaches that humanity is made ‘in the image and likeness of God,’ to put God on trial is to put humanity on trial, and to put humanity on trial is to put God on trial. ‘All our names for God come from our understanding of ourselves’ warns Meister Eckhart. To put God on trial is to put on trial our understanding of ourselves, our ways of living in the world, of denying, of accusing, of projecting, of hating, and of loving…” (163).
“This play may be less about putting God on trial than about putting our uses and abuses and projections of God on trial…Not only is a one-dimensional idea of God erased in the play, but so, too, is a one-dimensional notion of evil, and even Satan himself, eliminated” (171).
Finally, and I will leave you with this last quote because this is long and I fear I may have lost some of you already. But I hope not…
“This play does not only arouse our capacity for judging God and our notions of God and judging ourselves; it also goes deeper than judgment. It touches awe and wonder, freedom and guilt, creativity and compassion, humor and paradox. It leads us into the realms of the spirit more deeply than interminable rational debate about the divine nature could ever lead us. It leads us to the experience of spirit, not only to its critique. It takes us beyond words, to the holy sanctuary of sorrow. It disturbs as the spirit so often disturbs” (165).
This is an “issue” worth pursuit, study, prayer, hope, question, and humility. There is more I want to say and wish I could say but don’t really know how. I always feel like this subject is too big to bring up. But it must be brought up. I always feel inadequate to talk or write about it when the seams of my own heart are bursting with questions. There remain the loose ends and disfigured categories…and so we are left sitting in discomfort and wonder. I hope such a position will, ultimately, drive us to the feet of the hidden, elusive One.
(Wiesel, Elie. The Trial of God. New York: Schocken, 1979).
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Monday, November 09, 2009
i need a break.
Today was pretty much a terrible day. I don’t usually have “bad days,” I think I always point to the redeeming qualities in an effort to realize that things are never as bad as they could be…which is ok some of the time but then there are days after which you just want (and probably need) to say, “that sucked.” Today was one such day. Last week was a pretty awful week in general and I thought the weekend would push me into a fresh week with a new beginning. Today kind of blew that hope out. It just sucked in a whole lot of ways. I don't need to name them all—and you probably don’t care to listen to them all. But to top it all off, the boy I nanny (he’s four) decided today was one of the days he hates me. These come up from time to time but he’s been getting bolder in his pronouncements of hatred and dislike. Sure, it’s done in a 4-year-old kind of way but it can still be hurtful and I have a hard time not allowing it to make me feel like crap. He misses his old nanny, which is understandable, and I tell him he’s allowed to and that’s normal…but I draw the line at the hate talk, letting him know that it definitely hurts my feelings. Today he went so far as to say, “I even wish I had a gun so I could shoot you!” On top of a previously crappy week and a fairly awful Monday, his words almost made me cry. Then I thought about how it must feel for parents when their kids (especially once older!) say terrible and hurtful things to them…I hate you; you are the worst parents ever; I want new parents…you’ve probably used some of these phrases so need I say more?
I miss home. I want to curl up on the couch by the big windows and watch the clouds in the huge open sky. The sad thing is, that couch no longer sits in front of the big windows. That house isn’t home anymore. My parents have moved and going home will be a little strange. Life seems to be changing so much this year—lots of transitions. Sigh.
My left eye has been twitching for a straight two days. If it wasn’t also a bit funny (I mean, seriously, every other person probably thinks I’m winking at him/her) I’d probably be tempted to yell—it’s super frustrating! My sister says it’s from stress. Bleh.
So when you are me and you go to the library, picking up a book you’ve been wanting to “pleasure read” probably isn’t the best idea when you have multiple pressing assignments on your plate. Needless to say, I am (as of today alone) 78 pages into *the trial of god* by Elie Wiesel. It is incredibly interesting, insightful, and hard to read. I’m sure it will be finished within the next few days. And I’m also sure I will devote one single post to the contents of the book alone. So…more on that to come. I like to keep my readers hooked ☺
Alright. Off to work on some Life in Bible Times so I can read some more before bed…
Also, it might seem like a dumb favor but could you be praying for me? I really want to be able to be a comfort and support to the kids…even if they hate me…but it’s hard. I’m just super discouraged right now.
I miss home. I want to curl up on the couch by the big windows and watch the clouds in the huge open sky. The sad thing is, that couch no longer sits in front of the big windows. That house isn’t home anymore. My parents have moved and going home will be a little strange. Life seems to be changing so much this year—lots of transitions. Sigh.
My left eye has been twitching for a straight two days. If it wasn’t also a bit funny (I mean, seriously, every other person probably thinks I’m winking at him/her) I’d probably be tempted to yell—it’s super frustrating! My sister says it’s from stress. Bleh.
So when you are me and you go to the library, picking up a book you’ve been wanting to “pleasure read” probably isn’t the best idea when you have multiple pressing assignments on your plate. Needless to say, I am (as of today alone) 78 pages into *the trial of god* by Elie Wiesel. It is incredibly interesting, insightful, and hard to read. I’m sure it will be finished within the next few days. And I’m also sure I will devote one single post to the contents of the book alone. So…more on that to come. I like to keep my readers hooked ☺
Alright. Off to work on some Life in Bible Times so I can read some more before bed…
Also, it might seem like a dumb favor but could you be praying for me? I really want to be able to be a comfort and support to the kids…even if they hate me…but it’s hard. I’m just super discouraged right now.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
good finds and time to myself
i spent several hours at the Chicago Public Library this afternoon. It's been ages since I've been there and it felt good to go back. Is it weird so say that there are good memories there? I have never frequented the public library but i've gone a few times, and i don't know, it just brings back memories. mostly of 1st/2nd semesters.
while researching for my Holocaust paper, I made a few unexpected good finds: i copied a chapter out of Sallie McFague's book Speaking in Parables: A Study in Metaphor and Theology. The title of the chapter is Metaphor: The Heart of the Matter. It looks really good, I'm excited to read it. The book as a whole seems fascinating. One day when I have more time I might actually try to sit down and read all of it. I also copied a brief section out of Elie Wiesel's Memoirs on "God's Suffering." The sentence that jumped out on the first page: "God accompanies his children into exile." The next paragraph begins, "What happens to us touches God."
yesterday was a hard day. i felt sad all day. you know when sadness is deep and you can't just shake it? even well-meaning people can't provide the "distraction" necessary/desired. do you ever wonder why we try to distract ourselves from life's hard experiences (emotions, feelings, thoughts)? i do. lately I've been praying that God would help me live full before Him.
when i reflect on my time at moody (which i have been doing more of lately) i think about two things in particular: (1) how God has taught me about myself (this time really has been one of self-discovery) (2) how God has taught me about Himself (i don't even know what to say here. he has awakened me and opened my eyes to wonder at and see him in remarkably "new" ways) and (3) the people God has used to shape and impact me (some major and minor characters who have lived this story with me and changed me forever).
it seems like i've had lots of time to myself lately. i haven't, really, but it has felt that way because there's been time to listen to myself, talk to myself, and talk with God (when sitting in our living room or with friends, walking to the grocery store, riding the EL, walking across campus and in between classes, while trying to fall asleep at night). there seems to be times when conversation with God is both inevitable and unavoidable, don't you think?
i need to get my nose back in the books.
i'll leave you with a quote from The Genesee Diary that I read yesterday:
"In times of doubt or unbelief, the community can 'carry you along,' so to speak; it can even offer on your behalf what you yourself overlook, and can be the context in which you may recognize the Lord again." (Henri Nouwen)
do your best to surround yourself with a community that will challenge, push, prod, guide, and encourage you heavenward/homeward. and pray for those without such a community. pray for the expansion of this community...
while researching for my Holocaust paper, I made a few unexpected good finds: i copied a chapter out of Sallie McFague's book Speaking in Parables: A Study in Metaphor and Theology. The title of the chapter is Metaphor: The Heart of the Matter. It looks really good, I'm excited to read it. The book as a whole seems fascinating. One day when I have more time I might actually try to sit down and read all of it. I also copied a brief section out of Elie Wiesel's Memoirs on "God's Suffering." The sentence that jumped out on the first page: "God accompanies his children into exile." The next paragraph begins, "What happens to us touches God."
yesterday was a hard day. i felt sad all day. you know when sadness is deep and you can't just shake it? even well-meaning people can't provide the "distraction" necessary/desired. do you ever wonder why we try to distract ourselves from life's hard experiences (emotions, feelings, thoughts)? i do. lately I've been praying that God would help me live full before Him.
when i reflect on my time at moody (which i have been doing more of lately) i think about two things in particular: (1) how God has taught me about myself (this time really has been one of self-discovery) (2) how God has taught me about Himself (i don't even know what to say here. he has awakened me and opened my eyes to wonder at and see him in remarkably "new" ways) and (3) the people God has used to shape and impact me (some major and minor characters who have lived this story with me and changed me forever).
it seems like i've had lots of time to myself lately. i haven't, really, but it has felt that way because there's been time to listen to myself, talk to myself, and talk with God (when sitting in our living room or with friends, walking to the grocery store, riding the EL, walking across campus and in between classes, while trying to fall asleep at night). there seems to be times when conversation with God is both inevitable and unavoidable, don't you think?
i need to get my nose back in the books.
i'll leave you with a quote from The Genesee Diary that I read yesterday:
"In times of doubt or unbelief, the community can 'carry you along,' so to speak; it can even offer on your behalf what you yourself overlook, and can be the context in which you may recognize the Lord again." (Henri Nouwen)
do your best to surround yourself with a community that will challenge, push, prod, guide, and encourage you heavenward/homeward. and pray for those without such a community. pray for the expansion of this community...
from pete
i love this peter mulvey song...
Light A Fire
burn Up All You Know
you've Had
so Much Time Just To
let Things Go
now You're
burning Letters Out
in The Snow
in Your Backyard
years Go Rolling
you're Thirty Three
it's Time
for The Cross
or The Bodhi Tree
but You'd
like To Cry When You
skin Your Knee
man's It's Hard
and It's The Same Old Friends On New Years Eve
the Same Snow Falls On The Same Old Leaves
and There's The Same Old Joy And The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
old Storm Windows,
the Broke-Tail Squirrel
and The
grocery Lists And The
skateboard Girls
and Your
rusty Brain Cells Give You A Twirl
oh No
kitchen Radio,
coffee's On
oh You'd
like A Month Just To Lean Up On
but This
open Road Wants To
get You Gone
off You Go
and It's The Same Old Jar Of Car Keys By The Door
the Same Old Scuffed Up Floor
the Same Old Thirst For More Until The Put You In The Dirt
it's The Same Old Nights Alone
the Same Old "baby When You Coming Home?"
to Feel The Same Old Joy, Oh The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
Light A Fire
burn Up All You Know
you've Had
so Much Time Just To
let Things Go
now You're
burning Letters Out
in The Snow
in Your Backyard
years Go Rolling
you're Thirty Three
it's Time
for The Cross
or The Bodhi Tree
but You'd
like To Cry When You
skin Your Knee
man's It's Hard
and It's The Same Old Friends On New Years Eve
the Same Snow Falls On The Same Old Leaves
and There's The Same Old Joy And The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
old Storm Windows,
the Broke-Tail Squirrel
and The
grocery Lists And The
skateboard Girls
and Your
rusty Brain Cells Give You A Twirl
oh No
kitchen Radio,
coffee's On
oh You'd
like A Month Just To Lean Up On
but This
open Road Wants To
get You Gone
off You Go
and It's The Same Old Jar Of Car Keys By The Door
the Same Old Scuffed Up Floor
the Same Old Thirst For More Until The Put You In The Dirt
it's The Same Old Nights Alone
the Same Old "baby When You Coming Home?"
to Feel The Same Old Joy, Oh The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
Friday, November 06, 2009
thinking with tea
i think tea makes me think. or maybe i just tend to drink tea when i am in a thoughtful/reflective mood. sigh. i don't know. all i can say is, i am so glad it's the weekend. this week has felt like 100 years long. if i could, i would go for a long drive--get out of the city for awhile. sit under the bright blanket of stars. or in an open meadow. i feel pressed here. it kind of hurts. i feel a little worn out by life.
it's so full of choices, you know? it's full of a whole lot of choices. i've been reminded of something dr. de rosset said when we read The End of the Affair last year--that "there isn't anything glamorous about obedience." sometimes we make choices just because we feel like it's the right thing to do. but we aren't always ready for the results; the outcome. when we try to live honest to God, honest to ourselves, and honest to others, things don't always turn out comfortable (glamorous). i suppose we are meant to learn something in these moments. God, I hope we learn something in these moments.
a fireplace. that's it. i wish i could sit in front of a fireplace.
i've been doing some work today tracking down articles to read for the Theology of Suffering class I am a TA for in the spring. I've got three in line so far: "Soul-Making and Suffering" by John Hick, "Natural Evil and the Love of God" by Diogenes Allen, and "Horrendous Evils and the Goodness of God" by Marilyn McCord Adams.
one of my professors said the other day "pain is bad." i was really shocked. really. i just sat there. i mean, i feel pain right now. but i don't think i can, in my right mind, say it is "bad." and i believe God is somehow in our pain with us.
friends just showed up with pumpkin pie. yum.
i really feel pressed. i don't know what to do this weekend but i feel like i need to get out somehow. take a break and take some deep breaths.
we live God-haunted lives. sometimes his invisibility makes it hard for me to trust his immanence. round us out, God, and teach us to be patient in our learnings.
it's so full of choices, you know? it's full of a whole lot of choices. i've been reminded of something dr. de rosset said when we read The End of the Affair last year--that "there isn't anything glamorous about obedience." sometimes we make choices just because we feel like it's the right thing to do. but we aren't always ready for the results; the outcome. when we try to live honest to God, honest to ourselves, and honest to others, things don't always turn out comfortable (glamorous). i suppose we are meant to learn something in these moments. God, I hope we learn something in these moments.
a fireplace. that's it. i wish i could sit in front of a fireplace.
i've been doing some work today tracking down articles to read for the Theology of Suffering class I am a TA for in the spring. I've got three in line so far: "Soul-Making and Suffering" by John Hick, "Natural Evil and the Love of God" by Diogenes Allen, and "Horrendous Evils and the Goodness of God" by Marilyn McCord Adams.
one of my professors said the other day "pain is bad." i was really shocked. really. i just sat there. i mean, i feel pain right now. but i don't think i can, in my right mind, say it is "bad." and i believe God is somehow in our pain with us.
friends just showed up with pumpkin pie. yum.
i really feel pressed. i don't know what to do this weekend but i feel like i need to get out somehow. take a break and take some deep breaths.
we live God-haunted lives. sometimes his invisibility makes it hard for me to trust his immanence. round us out, God, and teach us to be patient in our learnings.
Monday, November 02, 2009
listening to "hey ya" by obadiah parker
this song makes me think of sarah, mariah, and lacy. i think because it brings back memories of the four of us--last semester traditions and even their visit a week ago. i miss them.
today was a strange day. do you ever have days that just feel unreal? are you ever stopped by the thought, "how did i end up here?" not in a bad way, just in a reflective way. i felt that way a lot today. it was a day full of moments in which i seemed to be looking in on my life from outside of it. am i crazy? do you ever feel this way??
today cameron tripped and cut his lip a little. the blood scared him, i think, and his screaming made me so sad! i spent a lot of the afternoon calming him down. we ended up building legos. i really love those kids. sometimes when i take care of them i feel like a mom. it sort of makes me smile. sometimes it makes me laugh.
i've been thinking about my time here. i have one more semester at moody. that's it.
this has been a good place.
God has done much in me here.
sometimes i think of this time like you might think of a cherished photograph. you know, the one that you tack above your desk or tuck away in a dusty old shoebox. you can always look at it with deep joy and firm gratitude as something reflective of an experience--a moment--that really changed you. i think i'll always look back on this time as beautiful and hard...an experience rather indescribable and somehow very formative.
sometimes i feel so old...
and life is different than what i expected.
that's ok. i'm glad it's different. i hope it always surprises me.
forced trusting.
He will break in again and again...
i hope it and i pray it, for life is too hard without His interruptions.
even though it is often His interruptions that seem so hard.
today was a strange day. do you ever have days that just feel unreal? are you ever stopped by the thought, "how did i end up here?" not in a bad way, just in a reflective way. i felt that way a lot today. it was a day full of moments in which i seemed to be looking in on my life from outside of it. am i crazy? do you ever feel this way??
today cameron tripped and cut his lip a little. the blood scared him, i think, and his screaming made me so sad! i spent a lot of the afternoon calming him down. we ended up building legos. i really love those kids. sometimes when i take care of them i feel like a mom. it sort of makes me smile. sometimes it makes me laugh.
i've been thinking about my time here. i have one more semester at moody. that's it.
this has been a good place.
God has done much in me here.
sometimes i think of this time like you might think of a cherished photograph. you know, the one that you tack above your desk or tuck away in a dusty old shoebox. you can always look at it with deep joy and firm gratitude as something reflective of an experience--a moment--that really changed you. i think i'll always look back on this time as beautiful and hard...an experience rather indescribable and somehow very formative.
sometimes i feel so old...
and life is different than what i expected.
that's ok. i'm glad it's different. i hope it always surprises me.
forced trusting.
He will break in again and again...
i hope it and i pray it, for life is too hard without His interruptions.
even though it is often His interruptions that seem so hard.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
i miss africa
lately i've been remembering things, sorting through old pictures, reading long-ago journal entries...and i miss Africa. i miss the people. i miss the land. i miss a lot of things about it. i can't help but wonder if or when i'll go back. the future seems to clouded sometimes. hmm.
just thinking out loud :)
just thinking out loud :)
Friday, October 30, 2009
wheelock and weekends
i miss latin. that class was the best. i miss Dr. Weir (i even forgot how he spells his name...). i miss his raving tangents and sporadic swearing. what a brilliant man. what a wonderful language. i miss learning a language.
wow. there is a whole lot of missing going on in this post.
i've been thinking about languages again due to the fact that i have recently overheard several conversations about biblical languages, which has made me think about how great it would be to learn hebrew one day. who knows. maybe...
tonight erin, michelle (and her friend from out of town), amy, and i watched Lars and the Real Girl. I forget how much i like that movie until i watch it again. it's really good.
i am SO RELIEVED that it is the weekend. seriously. i don't think i've been this "ready" for one in months. you know that kind of tired that is rooted deep in your bones? that's how i've felt this week...and it's been hard. i hope i can (1) sleep a lot this weekend (2) go for a walk or two by myself (3) journal. all of these are things i have needed and wanted to do but just haven't.
do you ever just stop to think about your life?...ask yourself those questions like "wow, how have i gotten here?" or think, "i didn't anticipate this two years ago..."
lately several people have asked "Andrea, are you seriously thinking grad. school?" and "You really want to do that, don't you?" or "Are you still thinking about Wheaton?" I find myself more and more willing to say "yeah, i really am thinking about grad. school. I do really want to do this. and yes, i think Wheaton is the direction I am moving in." I can't really tell you how excited this makes me...Of course I realize that a decision now does not mean anything is set in stone. things tend to shift and move around. life's timing isn't always what i think...or even want...
i find myself catching my breathe--"the thought of ACTUALLY pursuing a master's at Wheaton seems so unreal..." It's almost like I am considering the possibility of a dream really coming true, and somehow it feels really strange. Good, but strange.
i get excited thinking about a master's in clinical psychology having had the eduction i've received here to undergird it. gosh...aaaah!
ok. i really need to go to bed.
wow. there is a whole lot of missing going on in this post.
i've been thinking about languages again due to the fact that i have recently overheard several conversations about biblical languages, which has made me think about how great it would be to learn hebrew one day. who knows. maybe...
tonight erin, michelle (and her friend from out of town), amy, and i watched Lars and the Real Girl. I forget how much i like that movie until i watch it again. it's really good.
i am SO RELIEVED that it is the weekend. seriously. i don't think i've been this "ready" for one in months. you know that kind of tired that is rooted deep in your bones? that's how i've felt this week...and it's been hard. i hope i can (1) sleep a lot this weekend (2) go for a walk or two by myself (3) journal. all of these are things i have needed and wanted to do but just haven't.
do you ever just stop to think about your life?...ask yourself those questions like "wow, how have i gotten here?" or think, "i didn't anticipate this two years ago..."
lately several people have asked "Andrea, are you seriously thinking grad. school?" and "You really want to do that, don't you?" or "Are you still thinking about Wheaton?" I find myself more and more willing to say "yeah, i really am thinking about grad. school. I do really want to do this. and yes, i think Wheaton is the direction I am moving in." I can't really tell you how excited this makes me...Of course I realize that a decision now does not mean anything is set in stone. things tend to shift and move around. life's timing isn't always what i think...or even want...
i find myself catching my breathe--"the thought of ACTUALLY pursuing a master's at Wheaton seems so unreal..." It's almost like I am considering the possibility of a dream really coming true, and somehow it feels really strange. Good, but strange.
i get excited thinking about a master's in clinical psychology having had the eduction i've received here to undergird it. gosh...aaaah!
ok. i really need to go to bed.
tis the season, i guess
the other night we carved pumpkins AND made christmas cookies while listening to christmas music!! it was really wonderful...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
6 papers in 6 weeks
With six weeks left of school i decided it was necessary to sit down and determine what still has to be done--with regard to major papers/projects. I have 6 papers to write...in 6 weeks.
i think one of the reasons i haven't felt like a student this semester is the lack of writing (except for two 3-5 pagers but they don't count...as a result, i'm not in that "writing mindset.' ugh, i don't like it). i really enjoy writing papers--at least ones that require research, thought, and a heavier sense of quality. so i think at least 4 of these papers will be really fun/challenging to write. here are the subjects:
1. Violence and Memory: Rightly Remembering the Holocaust
2. Postmodern Hermeneutics: Critique, Evaluation, and Application.
3. Implementing Church Planting Methods in the Revival of Existing Congregations
4. A Biblical Theology of Herem: Old Testament Holy War
then I have two to write for my independent study course on the Gospel of John. They aren't as "major," though.
so i guess I have a paper a week to work on. not bad...
and tonight i'm finishing up two others i've had going for a different independent course. it will be nice to only have campus courses next semester...
i think one of the reasons i haven't felt like a student this semester is the lack of writing (except for two 3-5 pagers but they don't count...as a result, i'm not in that "writing mindset.' ugh, i don't like it). i really enjoy writing papers--at least ones that require research, thought, and a heavier sense of quality. so i think at least 4 of these papers will be really fun/challenging to write. here are the subjects:
1. Violence and Memory: Rightly Remembering the Holocaust
2. Postmodern Hermeneutics: Critique, Evaluation, and Application.
3. Implementing Church Planting Methods in the Revival of Existing Congregations
4. A Biblical Theology of Herem: Old Testament Holy War
then I have two to write for my independent study course on the Gospel of John. They aren't as "major," though.
so i guess I have a paper a week to work on. not bad...
and tonight i'm finishing up two others i've had going for a different independent course. it will be nice to only have campus courses next semester...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
the cat lady
there is an elderly woman who lives on our floor with her cat. she is deaf and so we never talk, but she smiles. i smile back. you know that feeling when smiles are exchanged and it feels like more has been communicated than simply that but you just don't know what? we had that experience today in the elevator.
a few days back her cat got loose (it happens a lot). I was taking the trash to the garbage shoot when she stopped me, mouthing questions and signing her frustration over the lost feline. i apologized, saying "i haven't seen him, but i hope you find him soon." she gave me a sad, exasperated look (like she truly would ring that cats neck once she found him) and I opened the door to the trash closet. guess who ran out? her cat!! he had somehow got stuck in the trash closet. haha. she was so excited to see him. she scooped him up in her arms and they walked back down the hall fully content and happily reunited. it was really cute.
i like the cat lady.
a few days back her cat got loose (it happens a lot). I was taking the trash to the garbage shoot when she stopped me, mouthing questions and signing her frustration over the lost feline. i apologized, saying "i haven't seen him, but i hope you find him soon." she gave me a sad, exasperated look (like she truly would ring that cats neck once she found him) and I opened the door to the trash closet. guess who ran out? her cat!! he had somehow got stuck in the trash closet. haha. she was so excited to see him. she scooped him up in her arms and they walked back down the hall fully content and happily reunited. it was really cute.
i like the cat lady.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
"he has been good to us..."
this is what i told lacy when we were driving back from the airport last night after dropping mariah off. there were tears and heartache and it was painful to let go again, but there is an overwhelming sense of God's goodness in these days. He has been good to gift us with strong friends with whom we share life, climb, fall, explore, wonder, and wrestle. it was good to see sarah and mariah again--to be TOGETHER again. wow, i miss them a lot.
i've been thinking about how patient God is with us. I, in turn, am so impatient with him. this realization has quieted me today and i found myself in the culby 2 prayer room for awhile resting in the silence of that space. sacred moments are everywhere but sometimes they get lost in the business. i have to push for them. we pray that he break in and interrupt. he does that, thankfully, but sometimes we need to interrupt our routines, too.
senioritis has hit me hard this semester. probably because i haven't found my classes all that exhilarating. I look forward to next semester, though, and i think it will be a good one for "going out." gosh, i can hardly believe this time is almost over...
today i registered:
Intro. to Music-someone...?
Contemporary Islam-Dr. Namaan
Senior Seminar-Dr. Schmutzer
Wellness (1/2 semester)-Dunn
Directed Study NT elective-Dr. Peterman
Internship
I'm not sure what the directed study will be. I met with Dr. Peterman today and he said it is wide open--so I'm meeting with him in a week to determine more. I think I'd like to do something in the Gospels but I don't know what. ANYTHING? Gosh, these sorts of decisions are ridiculously hard for me...
I'm going to be a TA for the new Theology of Suffering class. Can't tell you how excited this makes me. I will also be working on my internship (developing a course book for A Biblical Theology of Global Violence). I am eager to devote time to these two, considering that I'll only be taking 13 credits, 4 of which include an intro. class and wellness. yeah, i know, it's a really nice schedule. I'll be working still and I would like to take a local pottery class one night a week. It will be a good semester--I just have to finish pushing through this one first.
i'm exhausted. seriously. everything in me wants to sleep. i'm going to go to the library for a few hours to work on some of my independent study classes and then i hope to get to bed no later than 8:30 or 9:00 tonight.
a thought to leave you with: do you ever feel like you leave your prayers at the feet of God and walk away, uncertain of how they've been received? this might be for any number of reasons--friends are telling you one thing, you are thinking another, God seems silent, your very soul seems pinched--like you want more faith to believe but for some reason it's just really hard right now...? i'm there right now. sometimes it's hard to trust God. it grows wearisome. i trust for others' sake, for my own, for unknown and unspoken things...and there is waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
this weekend was a "sighing of soul" kind of weekend. yes, in talking with friends i uncovered some of these "hard" thoughts and feelings, but i am also living in a deeply contented place. these are my sputterings and i realize they are a little scattered but whatever...ha. i don't care. have a good tuesday afternoon--stop to take deep breathes and, you know, enjoy a beautiful tree or look at the sky :)
i've been thinking about how patient God is with us. I, in turn, am so impatient with him. this realization has quieted me today and i found myself in the culby 2 prayer room for awhile resting in the silence of that space. sacred moments are everywhere but sometimes they get lost in the business. i have to push for them. we pray that he break in and interrupt. he does that, thankfully, but sometimes we need to interrupt our routines, too.
senioritis has hit me hard this semester. probably because i haven't found my classes all that exhilarating. I look forward to next semester, though, and i think it will be a good one for "going out." gosh, i can hardly believe this time is almost over...
today i registered:
Intro. to Music-someone...?
Contemporary Islam-Dr. Namaan
Senior Seminar-Dr. Schmutzer
Wellness (1/2 semester)-Dunn
Directed Study NT elective-Dr. Peterman
Internship
I'm not sure what the directed study will be. I met with Dr. Peterman today and he said it is wide open--so I'm meeting with him in a week to determine more. I think I'd like to do something in the Gospels but I don't know what. ANYTHING? Gosh, these sorts of decisions are ridiculously hard for me...
I'm going to be a TA for the new Theology of Suffering class. Can't tell you how excited this makes me. I will also be working on my internship (developing a course book for A Biblical Theology of Global Violence). I am eager to devote time to these two, considering that I'll only be taking 13 credits, 4 of which include an intro. class and wellness. yeah, i know, it's a really nice schedule. I'll be working still and I would like to take a local pottery class one night a week. It will be a good semester--I just have to finish pushing through this one first.
i'm exhausted. seriously. everything in me wants to sleep. i'm going to go to the library for a few hours to work on some of my independent study classes and then i hope to get to bed no later than 8:30 or 9:00 tonight.
a thought to leave you with: do you ever feel like you leave your prayers at the feet of God and walk away, uncertain of how they've been received? this might be for any number of reasons--friends are telling you one thing, you are thinking another, God seems silent, your very soul seems pinched--like you want more faith to believe but for some reason it's just really hard right now...? i'm there right now. sometimes it's hard to trust God. it grows wearisome. i trust for others' sake, for my own, for unknown and unspoken things...and there is waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
this weekend was a "sighing of soul" kind of weekend. yes, in talking with friends i uncovered some of these "hard" thoughts and feelings, but i am also living in a deeply contented place. these are my sputterings and i realize they are a little scattered but whatever...ha. i don't care. have a good tuesday afternoon--stop to take deep breathes and, you know, enjoy a beautiful tree or look at the sky :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
apples and gifted moments
do you ever live days that are obviously "gifted" days? i mean, frequented with moments in which you say to yourself, "this moment is beautiful and so intentionally given to me." today has been one such day. i am privileged to look back on it and say "thank you, my God, for life lived today." the weather couldn't have been better. the colors were spectacular--i think today might have been the peak. the breeze scattered leaves, blowing them into my face as I sat on a sunny bench to eat an apple. i brainstormed a little with Dr. Schmutzer about my internship, continued dialoguing over The End of Memory, and caught some more of the vision i have for my future. i sat on houghton roof with whitney for an hour sipping a blended chai while talking about life, sharing wonder, and sitting in quiet over some of life's not-so-easy questions. i slacklined in washington park for half an hour (stepped in dog poop barefoot, but that's beside the point) and sat in crunchy, musty leaves.
i now find myself sitting in a library cubicle thinking about the homework i don't want to do but need to. Sarah and Mariah come into town in about 6 hrs--i can hardly believe the reunion weekend is here. i am SO anxious to see them. sigh.
i wish i had more time to read the books i've been wanting to read but don't have time to. today in Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil, McDuffee urged us to read, read, read (in particular, the Communist Manifesto). I wish I could take him up on it. Maybe i just need to prioritize a little bit better. hmmm. i might try to incorporate more "other" reading into my schedule. the problem is, the second half of the semester is going to be fuller than the first--lots of papers and projects. i got one of them approved today, which is exciting (and, in turn, motivational). For Cross Cultural Church Planting, a class I am often discouraged by, I have been given permission to write the major research paper/project on how church planting methods can (and ought) be used to revive existing churches. It bothers me how flippantly the class suggests we "give up on" dying churches for the purpose of planting new ones. I'm realizing more and more how much my heart is directed toward healing, nurturing, and ministering to redeem, not simply to create something new. does that make sense? so, with regard to this class, the "appeal" for me is not in starting new churches all the time but rather in addressing WHY existing churches are dying. What's happening here? What do these churches need that they aren't getting? How can we renew the health of congregations...?
My heart bends in the direction of member care...soul care...self care...there is a growing need and wow, if this need is ignored any longer......?
I'm excited to write the paper now.
My major paper for my Holocaust class is on the role of memory in suffering/trauma--specifically, as it relates to the events of the Holocaust. One of the major thinkers/writers i'll be studying is Elie Wiesel. I've already read a bit of his works and am eager to study more. I'm especially anxious to write this one since I've been reading The End of Memory. The idea of redeeming memory has been popping up all over the place recently...
I still have one more sermon to preach in November and am not sure at all what I'd like to do...It's to be a New Testament text. hmm. I'll have to give that one some concerted thought soon.
This has gotten long. sorry. there are a million and one thoughts bouncing around in my head and i had to get some of them out before i dive into this paper i'm writing on 1 Cor. 3:9-17....i am very ready to be done with this paper...i've been looking at it for far too long. sigh.
ok. gotta go.
i hope you live to recognize gifted moments this week! they are there, but sometimes they are shy and quiet. just look.
i now find myself sitting in a library cubicle thinking about the homework i don't want to do but need to. Sarah and Mariah come into town in about 6 hrs--i can hardly believe the reunion weekend is here. i am SO anxious to see them. sigh.
i wish i had more time to read the books i've been wanting to read but don't have time to. today in Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil, McDuffee urged us to read, read, read (in particular, the Communist Manifesto). I wish I could take him up on it. Maybe i just need to prioritize a little bit better. hmmm. i might try to incorporate more "other" reading into my schedule. the problem is, the second half of the semester is going to be fuller than the first--lots of papers and projects. i got one of them approved today, which is exciting (and, in turn, motivational). For Cross Cultural Church Planting, a class I am often discouraged by, I have been given permission to write the major research paper/project on how church planting methods can (and ought) be used to revive existing churches. It bothers me how flippantly the class suggests we "give up on" dying churches for the purpose of planting new ones. I'm realizing more and more how much my heart is directed toward healing, nurturing, and ministering to redeem, not simply to create something new. does that make sense? so, with regard to this class, the "appeal" for me is not in starting new churches all the time but rather in addressing WHY existing churches are dying. What's happening here? What do these churches need that they aren't getting? How can we renew the health of congregations...?
My heart bends in the direction of member care...soul care...self care...there is a growing need and wow, if this need is ignored any longer......?
I'm excited to write the paper now.
My major paper for my Holocaust class is on the role of memory in suffering/trauma--specifically, as it relates to the events of the Holocaust. One of the major thinkers/writers i'll be studying is Elie Wiesel. I've already read a bit of his works and am eager to study more. I'm especially anxious to write this one since I've been reading The End of Memory. The idea of redeeming memory has been popping up all over the place recently...
I still have one more sermon to preach in November and am not sure at all what I'd like to do...It's to be a New Testament text. hmm. I'll have to give that one some concerted thought soon.
This has gotten long. sorry. there are a million and one thoughts bouncing around in my head and i had to get some of them out before i dive into this paper i'm writing on 1 Cor. 3:9-17....i am very ready to be done with this paper...i've been looking at it for far too long. sigh.
ok. gotta go.
i hope you live to recognize gifted moments this week! they are there, but sometimes they are shy and quiet. just look.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
mmm pumpkin muffins
i'm eating one of yesterday mornings pumpkin muffins from this recipe: smitten kitchen. I added chopped walnuts to the tops of them...delicious :)
A lot's happened since i last posted. peter mulvey came and went (it was an amazing show)
Kira is here visiting. It's been delightful having her here. man oh man, the best reunion ever :)
we've spend tons of time laughing, telling and remembering good stories, walking around chicago, watching movies, making good food...yesterday was our day in the city--the first "sunny" day since she got here wednesday night. It was a shedd aquarium free day so we made our way all the way down there only to find that the line was insanely long.
we didn't even think twice about waiting.
so we walked back up Michigan ave., saw the bean, took pictures, drank pumpkin spice lattes, ate chipotle, walked up to chicago, went into water tower, etc.
It was a lot of fun. The city was chaotic and busy which made us laugh on more than one occasion. It reminded us of Elf so, naturally, we watched it last night. Such a good movie. we made shrinky dinks (i had never made them before!) and then had breakfast burritos and smoothies for dinner.
Today is church and then Karyn's Cooked (vegan restaurant) for lunch! Then we have a few more craft projects we want to work on...maybe go to the bead store on Wells and work on Christmas presents for people. sigh...it's been so wonderful to have her here. i love our friendship.
In other news, my sister is PREGNANT again! Yes, I am super excited. She's due may 25. ack!!
Alright. I should get going. Hopefully this was a sufficient update for my long absence :) The days have been dreary, cold, and wet. Not at all beautiful fall days--except for windows of sun. Grey days are hard for me...
A lot's happened since i last posted. peter mulvey came and went (it was an amazing show)
Kira is here visiting. It's been delightful having her here. man oh man, the best reunion ever :)
we've spend tons of time laughing, telling and remembering good stories, walking around chicago, watching movies, making good food...yesterday was our day in the city--the first "sunny" day since she got here wednesday night. It was a shedd aquarium free day so we made our way all the way down there only to find that the line was insanely long.
we didn't even think twice about waiting.
so we walked back up Michigan ave., saw the bean, took pictures, drank pumpkin spice lattes, ate chipotle, walked up to chicago, went into water tower, etc.
It was a lot of fun. The city was chaotic and busy which made us laugh on more than one occasion. It reminded us of Elf so, naturally, we watched it last night. Such a good movie. we made shrinky dinks (i had never made them before!) and then had breakfast burritos and smoothies for dinner.
Today is church and then Karyn's Cooked (vegan restaurant) for lunch! Then we have a few more craft projects we want to work on...maybe go to the bead store on Wells and work on Christmas presents for people. sigh...it's been so wonderful to have her here. i love our friendship.
In other news, my sister is PREGNANT again! Yes, I am super excited. She's due may 25. ack!!
Alright. I should get going. Hopefully this was a sufficient update for my long absence :) The days have been dreary, cold, and wet. Not at all beautiful fall days--except for windows of sun. Grey days are hard for me...
Thursday, October 08, 2009
you know when you read something that is as if it were spoken by your own heart? you think, "ah, you've captured what i somehow cannot, thank you..."
So writes Heschel:
"Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal." -Abraham Heschel
"Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal." -Abraham Heschel
God of the absurdities
I really enjoyed my Life in Bible Times class last Tuesday. Sometimes he is scattered and hard to follow (learning to teach still) but he had some really wonderful points last class. We were talking about Wisdom Literature--both in the Bible and the ANE (ancient near east). In discussing Job, he mentioned how when the absurdities of this world are experienced--things that hurt, cause questioning, don't make sense, etc.--we can remember God as master of the absurdities, which is what He reveals Himself to be in Scripture. He engages the broken heart in dialogue, lament, and questioning. He closes the lion's mouth. He calms the raging sea. As revealed in the book of Job, He is Creator of the universe, in management of that universe, and rules over the wild (other-worldly) creatures that are outside of man's domain.
When you encounter the absurd, who is God and what does He say? This moment of question, for many, is a loss of faith. The God of the Bible reveals himself as master of the absurdities...and God reigns over the things you have yet to encounter and experience.
So we wrestle to develop a true and honest theology in the midst of these hard things (faith trying to make sense of experience). We learn lament, we build community, we share lives with each other, we open our homes...
The Bible doesn't offer pristine, downloadable theology such that we "plug in" and transfer an easy-to-live faith.
- - - - - - -
Come and see, look on this mystery
The Lord of the Universe, nailed to a tree
Christ our God, spilling His Holy blood
Bowing in anguish, His sacred head
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing of His faithfulness, pouring His life out unto death
Come you weary and He will give you rest
Come you who mourn, lay on His breast
Christ who died, risen in Paradise
Giver of mercy, Giver of Life
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
When you encounter the absurd, who is God and what does He say? This moment of question, for many, is a loss of faith. The God of the Bible reveals himself as master of the absurdities...and God reigns over the things you have yet to encounter and experience.
So we wrestle to develop a true and honest theology in the midst of these hard things (faith trying to make sense of experience). We learn lament, we build community, we share lives with each other, we open our homes...
The Bible doesn't offer pristine, downloadable theology such that we "plug in" and transfer an easy-to-live faith.
- - - - - - -
Come and see, look on this mystery
The Lord of the Universe, nailed to a tree
Christ our God, spilling His Holy blood
Bowing in anguish, His sacred head
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing of His faithfulness, pouring His life out unto death
Come you weary and He will give you rest
Come you who mourn, lay on His breast
Christ who died, risen in Paradise
Giver of mercy, Giver of Life
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
Monday, October 05, 2009
confession
autumn makes me think of candles which makes me think of winter and christmas...which makes me think of christmas music. so...what has my recent urge been? you guessed it, christmas music. i have three of sufjan stevens christmas albums. they are incredible. but i told myself not until november. who starts listening to christmas music in OCTOBER???!! This is nonsense. erin--brilliant roommate that she is--said i could listen to ONE song to "get it out of my system." I hope it works. We're currently listening to Sufjan's "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel." this is one of my favorite christmas songs. sigh...
ok. to the books!!!
ok. to the books!!!
fly, fly away
George Eliot said something to the effect that if he were a bird, he would fly around the world chasing the successive autumns. i think i would, too.
today i am grateful for a warm home, a bed, food, and this hot cup of coffee i am now drinking. so many don't have these things and we are entering into colder seasons and longer/darker days. for me there is the joy and anticipation of family gatherings, tradition, meals, gifts, togetherness. i enjoy this time of year very much--mom always said i was the family "traditionalist." well, i am aware of those who don't share the same joy and anticipation of this season--even friends close to me. my season of "full-heart" reminders is another soul's season of pain and "heart-loss." Lord, step into our seasons of unique need.
today i am grateful for a warm home, a bed, food, and this hot cup of coffee i am now drinking. so many don't have these things and we are entering into colder seasons and longer/darker days. for me there is the joy and anticipation of family gatherings, tradition, meals, gifts, togetherness. i enjoy this time of year very much--mom always said i was the family "traditionalist." well, i am aware of those who don't share the same joy and anticipation of this season--even friends close to me. my season of "full-heart" reminders is another soul's season of pain and "heart-loss." Lord, step into our seasons of unique need.
Friday, October 02, 2009
oh, unashamed life!
life doesn't ask permission. things happen to us--so unexpectedly sometimes. each new moment offers opportunities and challenges; choices and possibilities. how we react and respond to these circumstances has a lot to say about the meaning we find in life.
lately i've been bloated with joy. at times it almost seems like a terrible distraction. i find myself asking, again, "is it possible to love my life too much?" you know, in the christian community we like to emphasize that we are "made for another world" and "citizens of heaven." this is true, of course. i still agree with Lewis that "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was made for a different world." But, we are also humans--temporal--living in a temporal world. i believe the loves and pleasures we rightly enjoy here on earth are reflections of a greater--fuller--expression of those things in heaven. as one friend put it, we are experiencing "flecks of heaven" on this earth. I can imagine Brueggemann calling them "cadences of home."
when i walk to and from work there's a tree on the side of the road that is one of a kind: it is changing color before all the others. i have stopped several times to pick up leaves for pressing. i catch my breath at the beauty.
at times my heart feels near bursting when i feel the morning sun on my face or catch the twinkle in the eye of a passing stranger. i am very pleased with my life. i love what i am learning. i am privileged to struggle in order that growth and maturity might be possible. i am grateful that God has given me so much (grace upon grace)--a strong, thinking mind, a hopeful heart, a vibrant soul. i don't ever want to take these things for granted.
I'm still reading The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World. It's taking me a long time because of all the other things i am doing along the way. It is a troublesome read for me because it stirs some of the "same old" concerns and frustrations. Like...if we, as the church, don't develop a theology of suffering, we have no way of entering into this "redemptive memory" and the task of "remembering rightly." we won't be able to bring healing through (and to) memory.
yes, this troubles me. I am troubled that there is so little care and concern about this subject. the world speaks using voices of suffering. the souls of the world are well acquainted with lament-speech. the hearts of the world long for truth-telling about the condition they're in. this cannot be done without developing a theology of suffering. this cannot be done if the church does not learn to hear voices of suffering and lament, for the hope of telling the truth about God, about redemption, and about humankind.
more and more i want to engage this issue. more and more i want to find ways to get my head, hands, and heart deeper involved.
as image-bearers and ambassadors, can we be agents and avenues of redemption in this world? how can we challenge and encourage the church (ourselves) to be a better expression of this redemption?
these questions poke and prod me.
well, it's been a long week and i'm exhausted. goodnight, all. i hope tonight finds you well--able to enjoy a fall night wherever you are. think of noticing the beauty of our days. let it catch your breath.
lately i've been bloated with joy. at times it almost seems like a terrible distraction. i find myself asking, again, "is it possible to love my life too much?" you know, in the christian community we like to emphasize that we are "made for another world" and "citizens of heaven." this is true, of course. i still agree with Lewis that "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was made for a different world." But, we are also humans--temporal--living in a temporal world. i believe the loves and pleasures we rightly enjoy here on earth are reflections of a greater--fuller--expression of those things in heaven. as one friend put it, we are experiencing "flecks of heaven" on this earth. I can imagine Brueggemann calling them "cadences of home."
when i walk to and from work there's a tree on the side of the road that is one of a kind: it is changing color before all the others. i have stopped several times to pick up leaves for pressing. i catch my breath at the beauty.
at times my heart feels near bursting when i feel the morning sun on my face or catch the twinkle in the eye of a passing stranger. i am very pleased with my life. i love what i am learning. i am privileged to struggle in order that growth and maturity might be possible. i am grateful that God has given me so much (grace upon grace)--a strong, thinking mind, a hopeful heart, a vibrant soul. i don't ever want to take these things for granted.
I'm still reading The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World. It's taking me a long time because of all the other things i am doing along the way. It is a troublesome read for me because it stirs some of the "same old" concerns and frustrations. Like...if we, as the church, don't develop a theology of suffering, we have no way of entering into this "redemptive memory" and the task of "remembering rightly." we won't be able to bring healing through (and to) memory.
yes, this troubles me. I am troubled that there is so little care and concern about this subject. the world speaks using voices of suffering. the souls of the world are well acquainted with lament-speech. the hearts of the world long for truth-telling about the condition they're in. this cannot be done without developing a theology of suffering. this cannot be done if the church does not learn to hear voices of suffering and lament, for the hope of telling the truth about God, about redemption, and about humankind.
more and more i want to engage this issue. more and more i want to find ways to get my head, hands, and heart deeper involved.
as image-bearers and ambassadors, can we be agents and avenues of redemption in this world? how can we challenge and encourage the church (ourselves) to be a better expression of this redemption?
these questions poke and prod me.
well, it's been a long week and i'm exhausted. goodnight, all. i hope tonight finds you well--able to enjoy a fall night wherever you are. think of noticing the beauty of our days. let it catch your breath.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
coffee and vanilla soy milk
a little bit of sweet and nutty but not too much. mmm. fall goodness :)
today is a good day. i looked at the calendar to realize that kira will be here in 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up early (5:30) for the second morning in a row--habits are hard to form, i realize. but still. i'm pleased :)
at 7 zach and whitney came over to make swedish pancakes. it was so much fun. zach has an ancient recipe from his grandpa and i must say they're pretty amazing. all three of us flipped pancakes in the pan. yes, without a spatula. pure talent.
good company, fun memories, yummy food, and laughter. we even watched an episode of Recess.
so the other night i made fried green tomatoes.
i bought one at the farmer's market on saturday and got the recipe from the "bonus features" of the movie. well, they weren't very good. lacy's mom makes them with egg, which is apparently the "right" way to make them. i guess i'll have to try again. it was worth it for the fun of the experience, though, and i got to think about how wonderful that movie is :)
i've started my fall knitting project! yesterday i took the kids to the cutest little "art studio" and yarn store. i bought a burnt yellow color to go with my green that has burnt red and yellow flecks. i like the colors so much. also, i think i'm going to learn a new stitch this fall. it's about time.
knitting reminds me of winter nights in tucson on the couch with hannah--knitting away while mom read aloud the little house on the prairie books. those were good times.
i collected another 7 leaves or so yesterday on my way to work. i'm telling you, this is such a beautiful time of year.
i have three books to read this weekend. actually, two to start and finish and one to just finish. ha. i had completely forgotten about one of them. oops. i think i might start packing something for dinner so i can leave work and go directly to a coffee shop to work. hmm.
the grad. school fair is tomorrow. i'm going to talk to the wheaton representative ack!!
alright. enough nonsense that you are probably tired of reading :)
oh wait--a thought for the afternoon:
spiritual disciplines (or healthy life disciplines in general)....what are yours?
today is a good day. i looked at the calendar to realize that kira will be here in 15 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i woke up early (5:30) for the second morning in a row--habits are hard to form, i realize. but still. i'm pleased :)
at 7 zach and whitney came over to make swedish pancakes. it was so much fun. zach has an ancient recipe from his grandpa and i must say they're pretty amazing. all three of us flipped pancakes in the pan. yes, without a spatula. pure talent.
good company, fun memories, yummy food, and laughter. we even watched an episode of Recess.
so the other night i made fried green tomatoes.
i bought one at the farmer's market on saturday and got the recipe from the "bonus features" of the movie. well, they weren't very good. lacy's mom makes them with egg, which is apparently the "right" way to make them. i guess i'll have to try again. it was worth it for the fun of the experience, though, and i got to think about how wonderful that movie is :)
i've started my fall knitting project! yesterday i took the kids to the cutest little "art studio" and yarn store. i bought a burnt yellow color to go with my green that has burnt red and yellow flecks. i like the colors so much. also, i think i'm going to learn a new stitch this fall. it's about time.
knitting reminds me of winter nights in tucson on the couch with hannah--knitting away while mom read aloud the little house on the prairie books. those were good times.
i collected another 7 leaves or so yesterday on my way to work. i'm telling you, this is such a beautiful time of year.
i have three books to read this weekend. actually, two to start and finish and one to just finish. ha. i had completely forgotten about one of them. oops. i think i might start packing something for dinner so i can leave work and go directly to a coffee shop to work. hmm.
the grad. school fair is tomorrow. i'm going to talk to the wheaton representative ack!!
alright. enough nonsense that you are probably tired of reading :)
oh wait--a thought for the afternoon:
spiritual disciplines (or healthy life disciplines in general)....what are yours?
Saturday, September 26, 2009
middle america
i remember writing a journal entry last christmas entitled "middle america" (yes, i went through a phase of titling my entries. i still do from time to time). i was sitting at the rincon mountain farmer's market over christmas break, selling my luminarias. i had worked late the night before at the country club cocktailing. there i sat, in a lawn chair watching "middle america" on a saturday morning. there was an old man in overalls--a most friendly gentleman--who i just sat and watched. in that moment i was preferring "middle america" (i borrowed the term from "Omaha" but counting crows) over the wealthier crowd of the country club. there are challenges to people everywhere but the country club environment was hardest for me, i think. sometimes i forget how much i learned and was changed by that experience. hmm.
all that to say, i went to the division street farmer's market with michelle this morning. it was wonderful. she goes much more regularly than i and so she knows people. i bought spinach and feta hummus (pretty much incredible) from the hispanic guys that run the most friendly, most jolly booth on the whole stretch of pavement. they're incredible. they remember michelle from week-to-week and were excited to meet one of her friends. "see you next week," one of them said to me, and it made me so delighted inside.
i bought a green tomato because tomorrow, you see, i am going to make fried green tomatoes. aside from the fact that it's a wonderful movie, i've never actually made them. and i want to. and tomatoes are cheap because the season is closing.
i bought 2 turnips, 1 bell pepper, 2 banana peppers, and 1 zuccini for $2.50. hurra! i also bought a bouquet of dahlia's. they are a most pretty flower. I've never had any before. they've made it on the list of possible flowers to include in a wedding (yes, these lists exists inside my head).
speaking of lists...i have a list that's recently been growing: things i want to do soon in life (that is, in the next 5-10 years).
1. drive across country through back roads and small towns--the heartland (bed and breakfasts and campgrounds)
2. drive up the east coast in the fall (on up through maine to see the lighthouses and learn to like good sea food).
3. live as self-sufficient as i can for a year (that is, garden and can, a cow or goat for milk/cheese/butter, sew a lot of my own clothes).
4. own a bike with a basket
there are a great many things on this list. these are only a few that have been forward in my thoughts. life is unsure and unpredictable, though, and i realize i don't really know if or when any of these things will happen. but dreaming happens anyway :) and i like it.
yesterday was a good day. i finished and delivered my sermon (whew!); i had coffee and good conversation with Charity (finally we were able to hang out...sigh. i love her); good conversation with Amy about our "book club" (The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World); watched No Country for Old Men with friends and discussed it a little (understood more the second time, though it is such a hard film to watch).
ok. i am about to eat lunch (the new hummus on some new whole wheat rye--can someone say YUM?!) and go hide away in a coffee shop to get some work done. but first, i think you should know things i'm looking forward to as fall starts...so you can think about things YOU want to do this fall. Here are just a few:
1. A knitting project with the girl I nanny (Monday's after homework we are working on a pink and purple scarf :))
2. Monday morning breakfasts with Charity
3. Letter writing with a cup of tea (i'm going to try to make this a Sunday afternoon activity)
4. Collecting colored leaves to press for framing or sending in the mail (i've started collecting some!)
5. Waking up early to read Jeremiah (i've decided i need to be better about getting up early...and my interest/desire has been peaked for Jeremiah. I always get shaken reading the prophets. I haven't read in Jeremiah in a long time...)
all that to say, i went to the division street farmer's market with michelle this morning. it was wonderful. she goes much more regularly than i and so she knows people. i bought spinach and feta hummus (pretty much incredible) from the hispanic guys that run the most friendly, most jolly booth on the whole stretch of pavement. they're incredible. they remember michelle from week-to-week and were excited to meet one of her friends. "see you next week," one of them said to me, and it made me so delighted inside.
i bought a green tomato because tomorrow, you see, i am going to make fried green tomatoes. aside from the fact that it's a wonderful movie, i've never actually made them. and i want to. and tomatoes are cheap because the season is closing.
i bought 2 turnips, 1 bell pepper, 2 banana peppers, and 1 zuccini for $2.50. hurra! i also bought a bouquet of dahlia's. they are a most pretty flower. I've never had any before. they've made it on the list of possible flowers to include in a wedding (yes, these lists exists inside my head).
speaking of lists...i have a list that's recently been growing: things i want to do soon in life (that is, in the next 5-10 years).
1. drive across country through back roads and small towns--the heartland (bed and breakfasts and campgrounds)
2. drive up the east coast in the fall (on up through maine to see the lighthouses and learn to like good sea food).
3. live as self-sufficient as i can for a year (that is, garden and can, a cow or goat for milk/cheese/butter, sew a lot of my own clothes).
4. own a bike with a basket
there are a great many things on this list. these are only a few that have been forward in my thoughts. life is unsure and unpredictable, though, and i realize i don't really know if or when any of these things will happen. but dreaming happens anyway :) and i like it.
yesterday was a good day. i finished and delivered my sermon (whew!); i had coffee and good conversation with Charity (finally we were able to hang out...sigh. i love her); good conversation with Amy about our "book club" (The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World); watched No Country for Old Men with friends and discussed it a little (understood more the second time, though it is such a hard film to watch).
ok. i am about to eat lunch (the new hummus on some new whole wheat rye--can someone say YUM?!) and go hide away in a coffee shop to get some work done. but first, i think you should know things i'm looking forward to as fall starts...so you can think about things YOU want to do this fall. Here are just a few:
1. A knitting project with the girl I nanny (Monday's after homework we are working on a pink and purple scarf :))
2. Monday morning breakfasts with Charity
3. Letter writing with a cup of tea (i'm going to try to make this a Sunday afternoon activity)
4. Collecting colored leaves to press for framing or sending in the mail (i've started collecting some!)
5. Waking up early to read Jeremiah (i've decided i need to be better about getting up early...and my interest/desire has been peaked for Jeremiah. I always get shaken reading the prophets. I haven't read in Jeremiah in a long time...)
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
life is precious; life is sweet
i've talked to kira, mariah, and mark this week! granted, they weren't super long conversations--especially with the girls. mark gets more time because he's in germany :) you're lucky i picked up an "unavailable" id ;) it's always good to talk with far-away friends.
i've been tired a lot...to bed too late and up early. sigh. i plan to remedy this. also, i'm weaning myself off coffee. i'm down to mostly decaf with a little regular (to keep the headaches off). by next week i should be fine!
i signed up on sundays for community group information. i'll admit i don't particularly enjoy "putting myself out there." I realize that's the way to plug in and get to know people...but i'm not very good at it. i'm going to start going to pastor Bob's home group on tuesday nights. i look forward to it.
i'm learning that kids ask beautiful, uninhibited questions. sometimes it gets old but most of the time its precious. like this one from cam, "who made the whole wide world? and was the sky made, too?"
i want to share more with God. there's so much that I keep to myself because i assume he knows. he does, of course--i'm not trying to say he doesn't know these things i keep. but i want to be more proactive and intentional in sharing my life with him--all the thoughts, dreams, questions, concerns. hm.
ok. i need to not be late for class.
ciao
i've been tired a lot...to bed too late and up early. sigh. i plan to remedy this. also, i'm weaning myself off coffee. i'm down to mostly decaf with a little regular (to keep the headaches off). by next week i should be fine!
i signed up on sundays for community group information. i'll admit i don't particularly enjoy "putting myself out there." I realize that's the way to plug in and get to know people...but i'm not very good at it. i'm going to start going to pastor Bob's home group on tuesday nights. i look forward to it.
i'm learning that kids ask beautiful, uninhibited questions. sometimes it gets old but most of the time its precious. like this one from cam, "who made the whole wide world? and was the sky made, too?"
i want to share more with God. there's so much that I keep to myself because i assume he knows. he does, of course--i'm not trying to say he doesn't know these things i keep. but i want to be more proactive and intentional in sharing my life with him--all the thoughts, dreams, questions, concerns. hm.
ok. i need to not be late for class.
ciao
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
sermon-writing
it's hard to sermon write knowing that my professor for the class is going in for open heart surgery. sigh. Dr. de Rosset had 99 percent blockage. this is so unexpected. in an email to me she mentioned that she's been reminded of O'Connor's words that "sickness is a necessary geography." i love her. i respect her so much.
first sermon and already i've hit walls. mostly i've been afraid to approach it. i teach on psalm 42 (delivered friday)--prayer and lament. maybe it's because i'm intimidated to teach Scripture. maybe it's because i am so gripped by the subject i feel i can't dare do it justice. maybe i realize it's something i need to still learn and keep learning so teaching it seems a bit strange.
but i once heard that we teach best what we need to learn most. this isn't to say that we don't, as teachers/speakers, prepare, study, and understand that which we desire to teach (this is a duty). But to truly learn something can take much longer than we give ourselves credit. so the discovery of the need is a step in the journey (but you're right, let's not settle there). i've discovered my need to learn more bold, raw, truth-telling prayer, and i feel passionately about others doing the same.
hmm. we'll see how it goes.
in researching, i came across this quote again from Billman and Migliore in "Rachel's Cry: Prayer of Lament and Rebirth of Hope."
“Prayer in the Hebrew Scriptures freely expresses feelings of distress, anger, and abandonment. Israel cries to God, boldly questions God, complains that God is far off, argues with God in prayer."
make my faith more honest, Lord, and it's expression more true.
first sermon and already i've hit walls. mostly i've been afraid to approach it. i teach on psalm 42 (delivered friday)--prayer and lament. maybe it's because i'm intimidated to teach Scripture. maybe it's because i am so gripped by the subject i feel i can't dare do it justice. maybe i realize it's something i need to still learn and keep learning so teaching it seems a bit strange.
but i once heard that we teach best what we need to learn most. this isn't to say that we don't, as teachers/speakers, prepare, study, and understand that which we desire to teach (this is a duty). But to truly learn something can take much longer than we give ourselves credit. so the discovery of the need is a step in the journey (but you're right, let's not settle there). i've discovered my need to learn more bold, raw, truth-telling prayer, and i feel passionately about others doing the same.
hmm. we'll see how it goes.
in researching, i came across this quote again from Billman and Migliore in "Rachel's Cry: Prayer of Lament and Rebirth of Hope."
“Prayer in the Hebrew Scriptures freely expresses feelings of distress, anger, and abandonment. Israel cries to God, boldly questions God, complains that God is far off, argues with God in prayer."
make my faith more honest, Lord, and it's expression more true.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
love visitors
the mcgee's were here! i haven't seen them since May. Sam has changed SO MUCH. Wow, he's growing fast. sigh. and i won't see them again until Christmas.
it was good to be with them. talked with jay last night and got some good brotherly advice about life. enjoyed sister time with kristen today sitting on the couch with cups of coffee while jay and sam took naps. mmm. such good times. tonight we had a wonderful dinner and laughed a lot. i love them. hopefully someday i'll live closer to them.
oh life.
i feel like i've been saying "oh life" with a sigh to myself a lot lately. hmm. that's just the way it is.
i got my peter mulvey ticket in the mail yesterday. yep. it's happening. i can't wait.
the sun has been shining a lot. i love it. the weather is cooling a little, too, which reminds me of coming autumn. that makes me happy. the family i nanny for lives in a neighborhood with big leafy trees--you know, the kinds that change brilliant color in fall. i think i'll go early and sit under them when they're yellow, orange, and red.
thank you, Lord, for such a life to live. yes, it sometimes seems to hold "too much," but i wouldn't have it any other way.
it was good to be with them. talked with jay last night and got some good brotherly advice about life. enjoyed sister time with kristen today sitting on the couch with cups of coffee while jay and sam took naps. mmm. such good times. tonight we had a wonderful dinner and laughed a lot. i love them. hopefully someday i'll live closer to them.
oh life.
i feel like i've been saying "oh life" with a sigh to myself a lot lately. hmm. that's just the way it is.
i got my peter mulvey ticket in the mail yesterday. yep. it's happening. i can't wait.
the sun has been shining a lot. i love it. the weather is cooling a little, too, which reminds me of coming autumn. that makes me happy. the family i nanny for lives in a neighborhood with big leafy trees--you know, the kinds that change brilliant color in fall. i think i'll go early and sit under them when they're yellow, orange, and red.
thank you, Lord, for such a life to live. yes, it sometimes seems to hold "too much," but i wouldn't have it any other way.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
the story i heard
today will be a day of miscellaneous things.
(1) finish assignment
(2) skip one class and go to another
(3) work
(4) research in the library
(5) hide away in a coffee shop to get homework done
(6) get to bed at a (hopefully) decent hour
tomorrow jay, kristen, and sam are coming. i am so excited. i am beyond excited. i miss my family.
i'm feeling sad today. i don't really know why--its just a melancholic day.
thinking about how i need to get my butt in gear as far as my classes are concerned. sometimes i forget that i need to remember i'll be applying to grad. programs and grades actually do matter, to a good degree.
i have too much on my plate...
sigh.
oh life.
currently listening to: the story i heard by blind pilot.
i really like blind pilot.
(1) finish assignment
(2) skip one class and go to another
(3) work
(4) research in the library
(5) hide away in a coffee shop to get homework done
(6) get to bed at a (hopefully) decent hour
tomorrow jay, kristen, and sam are coming. i am so excited. i am beyond excited. i miss my family.
i'm feeling sad today. i don't really know why--its just a melancholic day.
thinking about how i need to get my butt in gear as far as my classes are concerned. sometimes i forget that i need to remember i'll be applying to grad. programs and grades actually do matter, to a good degree.
i have too much on my plate...
sigh.
oh life.
currently listening to: the story i heard by blind pilot.
i really like blind pilot.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
no apologies
so i really didn't get any homework done this weekend. it's ok, though. i make no apologies. you know those times when you just can't really get it done, other things that are more important to you come up, you need a break, and its ok...? yeah, it's been one of those weekends.
melissa came over saturday night. we ended up sleeping out in the living room together and talking into the wee hours of the morning. with lacy's half marathon to drive to in the morning (WOO!) we got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. i still haven't taken a nap (yawn). but it was so so good to talk with her. it was good to listen and be listened to. it was good to give and receive advice. it was good to give and receive prayer. again, it's a theme, i am blessed by wonderful friends.
lacy ran well and finished 13.1 miles!!!!! SHE RAN A HALF MARATHON!! everyone came over here for lunch and then i went on a long walk. i sat in lincoln park by myself, read some psalms, thought about life, prayed for awhile, thought some more, and walked back. i called hallie on the way back--it had been waaay too long since we've talked. sigh, i miss her friendship close to me. it was good to catch up. I ended up in washington park where there was an art/craft show. i walked by the booths and then headed back home. sometimes those long walks are the best kind of breather.
tonight we watched state of play. good movie.
tomorrow is monday--and my first day at the new job. I'm a little nervous but also excited.
it's a new week.
you know what? I've been looking forward to my bedtimes. you know why? I've started using that "before I go to bed" time to write prayers. it's been good to cleanse and close my days in this way. hm...
we wrestle to let go
we wrestle to let go of our lives
we want to believe that our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
we want to be sure we know how it will all "work out"
but then the silence
we wrestle to let go
in the silence we don't know if our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
in the silence we don't know how it will all work out
and we wrestle to let go
(goodnight)
melissa came over saturday night. we ended up sleeping out in the living room together and talking into the wee hours of the morning. with lacy's half marathon to drive to in the morning (WOO!) we got a total of 3.5 hours of sleep. i still haven't taken a nap (yawn). but it was so so good to talk with her. it was good to listen and be listened to. it was good to give and receive advice. it was good to give and receive prayer. again, it's a theme, i am blessed by wonderful friends.
lacy ran well and finished 13.1 miles!!!!! SHE RAN A HALF MARATHON!! everyone came over here for lunch and then i went on a long walk. i sat in lincoln park by myself, read some psalms, thought about life, prayed for awhile, thought some more, and walked back. i called hallie on the way back--it had been waaay too long since we've talked. sigh, i miss her friendship close to me. it was good to catch up. I ended up in washington park where there was an art/craft show. i walked by the booths and then headed back home. sometimes those long walks are the best kind of breather.
tonight we watched state of play. good movie.
tomorrow is monday--and my first day at the new job. I'm a little nervous but also excited.
it's a new week.
you know what? I've been looking forward to my bedtimes. you know why? I've started using that "before I go to bed" time to write prayers. it's been good to cleanse and close my days in this way. hm...
we wrestle to let go
we wrestle to let go of our lives
we want to believe that our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
we want to be sure we know how it will all "work out"
but then the silence
we wrestle to let go
in the silence we don't know if our dreams for ourselves are Your dreams too
in the silence we don't know how it will all work out
and we wrestle to let go
(goodnight)
Saturday, September 12, 2009
"skinny love" on a saturday morning
hearing this song brings back so many memories of the summer--rappelling the afternoons away with Duran (while listening to his hysterical stories about 8 year old campers); laughing uncontrollably with Kira; hanging out on the weekends with Phil, Duran, Callie, and Kira; hiking the 14-er; 4th of July with the OC and Saigon Stars; blob wars before banquet; lazy afternoons in a canoe; laughing at campers; mountain air; morning prayer with Kira...the list is endless. that time was sweet.
i slept in today!! woohoo. it felt so good. i then proceeded to make carrot cake pancakes with cream cheese spread. Mmmmm. it was yummy.
last night Kjieri, Wendy, and I went for a long walk down by the lake. It was glorious. we walked out to the end of the pier and sat in the dark for a long time talking about God, life, relationships, growing up...i treasure moments like those. i really appreciate good conversations with friends. I haven't spent much time with the two of them in a long time. it was so nice.
you know what gets me? we talked about this a little last night...what gets me is skewed understandings (or perspectives) of what it "means" to "be a man" (or "be a woman," for that matter). sometimes i get a little weary of the million-and-one requirements we place on each other in Christian circles regarding gender. Yeah, of course there are differences--even "things to look for/desire..." But really. Men have parts that distinguish them as men and women have a whole set of their own. Beyond that there are qualities we look for and desire but I hate when people try to smash the opposite gender into neat categories. What makes a man a man isn't simply his ability to climb mountains and start fires (though these might be desired skills)--kind of like what makes a woman a woman isn't simply her ability to cook and keep house. There is so much that is important--respect, integrity, honesty, tenderness, care, determination, honor, love, humility, and the list goes on--and gets overlooked if people only focus on strict categories of gender (stereotyping!)...(and i'm not talking about roles in marriage and family)
oh well. it bugs me.
and that was my rant for the day :)
i really really really have to do homework. bleh...
i slept in today!! woohoo. it felt so good. i then proceeded to make carrot cake pancakes with cream cheese spread. Mmmmm. it was yummy.
last night Kjieri, Wendy, and I went for a long walk down by the lake. It was glorious. we walked out to the end of the pier and sat in the dark for a long time talking about God, life, relationships, growing up...i treasure moments like those. i really appreciate good conversations with friends. I haven't spent much time with the two of them in a long time. it was so nice.
you know what gets me? we talked about this a little last night...what gets me is skewed understandings (or perspectives) of what it "means" to "be a man" (or "be a woman," for that matter). sometimes i get a little weary of the million-and-one requirements we place on each other in Christian circles regarding gender. Yeah, of course there are differences--even "things to look for/desire..." But really. Men have parts that distinguish them as men and women have a whole set of their own. Beyond that there are qualities we look for and desire but I hate when people try to smash the opposite gender into neat categories. What makes a man a man isn't simply his ability to climb mountains and start fires (though these might be desired skills)--kind of like what makes a woman a woman isn't simply her ability to cook and keep house. There is so much that is important--respect, integrity, honesty, tenderness, care, determination, honor, love, humility, and the list goes on--and gets overlooked if people only focus on strict categories of gender (stereotyping!)...(and i'm not talking about roles in marriage and family)
oh well. it bugs me.
and that was my rant for the day :)
i really really really have to do homework. bleh...
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
Monday, September 07, 2009
you know its a tourist when...
...he's having his kids take pictures of a pigeon. maybe their being in front of the sears tower was also a dead give away. take our pick.
i'm back in chicago. you probably didn't know, i was in cleveland. i stayed the weekend with Sarah and T.J. in their new little apartment. it was wonderful...
saturday morning sleep in and talking at the kitchen table eating Sarah's amazing homemade cinnamon roles and drinking coffee. ah, nothing can beat it! Sarah and i went to the Cleveland Art Institute Sat. evening while T.J. was working. We also watched You've Got Mail which made me wish (among other things) for fall. Mm how I'm growing more and more anxious for sweaters, crisp air, and mugs filled with hot liquids. I hope I am able to get out of the city this year to see some more of the color--maybe collect a few leaves or two. Autumn is my favorite season.
i enjoyed the experience of their church and good conversations about what life after Moody is like--particularly church-culture outside Moody. Thoughts I haven't really had yet, but will (no doubt) in less than a year.
it was great to be away from school, with good friends, just living and relaxing together. it was great to see Sarah and just BE with her. sigh...i'm grateful for my friends.
and now i'm back. i feel rejuvenated, which is nice. my internship proposal was approved on friday, which has generated great excitement, nervousness, and some stress :) It's a rather large undertaking but it also really excites me--which is usually a good combination.
i need to get my clothes out of the dryer. have i ever mentioned how much i love the smell of clean, warm clothes? i do...
i'm back in chicago. you probably didn't know, i was in cleveland. i stayed the weekend with Sarah and T.J. in their new little apartment. it was wonderful...
saturday morning sleep in and talking at the kitchen table eating Sarah's amazing homemade cinnamon roles and drinking coffee. ah, nothing can beat it! Sarah and i went to the Cleveland Art Institute Sat. evening while T.J. was working. We also watched You've Got Mail which made me wish (among other things) for fall. Mm how I'm growing more and more anxious for sweaters, crisp air, and mugs filled with hot liquids. I hope I am able to get out of the city this year to see some more of the color--maybe collect a few leaves or two. Autumn is my favorite season.
i enjoyed the experience of their church and good conversations about what life after Moody is like--particularly church-culture outside Moody. Thoughts I haven't really had yet, but will (no doubt) in less than a year.
it was great to be away from school, with good friends, just living and relaxing together. it was great to see Sarah and just BE with her. sigh...i'm grateful for my friends.
and now i'm back. i feel rejuvenated, which is nice. my internship proposal was approved on friday, which has generated great excitement, nervousness, and some stress :) It's a rather large undertaking but it also really excites me--which is usually a good combination.
i need to get my clothes out of the dryer. have i ever mentioned how much i love the smell of clean, warm clothes? i do...
Thursday, September 03, 2009
weak knees
we tremble before God not because we are afraid of Him, but because we begin to understand that following Him will take us out and away from places to which we cannot [indeed will not; must not] return.
--thoughts from my pastor and echoes of my own heart-realization.
things are looking good for the approval of my internship. i typed up the proposal and meet with the chair of the bible department tomorrow to discuss details...hopefully in the department meeting at the end of september it will be finalized. I haven't wanted to get too excited about it prematurely. it's hard to believe a few weeks ago i had little to no idea what i wanted to do or even a direction to pursue. i've spent the last few days in grateful awe of God's bringing me here--to this place, this time, these moments.
life is such a remarkable gift, do you ever think of that? today i was delighted by Him over and over again. His presence can be so startling and unexpected. its funny how you pray for something day after day after day and if he chooses to break in in a tangible way, it throws you off...even though you've prayed for it. huh...
--thoughts from my pastor and echoes of my own heart-realization.
things are looking good for the approval of my internship. i typed up the proposal and meet with the chair of the bible department tomorrow to discuss details...hopefully in the department meeting at the end of september it will be finalized. I haven't wanted to get too excited about it prematurely. it's hard to believe a few weeks ago i had little to no idea what i wanted to do or even a direction to pursue. i've spent the last few days in grateful awe of God's bringing me here--to this place, this time, these moments.
life is such a remarkable gift, do you ever think of that? today i was delighted by Him over and over again. His presence can be so startling and unexpected. its funny how you pray for something day after day after day and if he chooses to break in in a tangible way, it throws you off...even though you've prayed for it. huh...
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
friends are great
today i got an email from Kira. it was a $10 gift card to itunes and it said, "it's not much but one of the worst parts of no money is no new music--enjoy. i love you sweet thing." haha. to say the least, it made me smile big and miss her MORE than I already do. sigh... the good news is, she's coming to visit in October. Woohoo. the 15-19!!!
i've now purchased a few of Peter Mulvey's new songs. gosh, he's so good. so i'm on the couch (er, i was until i got distracted by my computer)...with a cup of chai tea...and my book. I'm reading The World Must Know--about the Holocaust. Hm. I should probably get back to it.
ciao
i've now purchased a few of Peter Mulvey's new songs. gosh, he's so good. so i'm on the couch (er, i was until i got distracted by my computer)...with a cup of chai tea...and my book. I'm reading The World Must Know--about the Holocaust. Hm. I should probably get back to it.
ciao
Saturday, August 29, 2009
cereal from a mug is better
actually, i think anything out of a mug is better. not just the warm liquids (you know the ones: tea, coffee, hot chocolate, cider...) but soups, cereals, and the like.
today i bought three mugs at the salvation army for $1.62. hot deal!
anyway, i'm eating cheerios with banana out of a mug and its absolutely wonderful.
tonight i'm thinking this:
i'm grateful that God doesn't get tired of hearing our prayers the way that we sometimes get tired of praying them (Luke 18:1-8). i thought of this as i walked back from the library--tired, thoughtful, weak (that achy, sick feeling...bleh), and whispering prayers into the dark that i've prayed countless times before. the air was cool and fresh; the moon bright and watchful. i was reminded, again, of Luke 18:1-8. Oh, keep whispering those prayers. Keep on...
today i bought three mugs at the salvation army for $1.62. hot deal!
anyway, i'm eating cheerios with banana out of a mug and its absolutely wonderful.
tonight i'm thinking this:
i'm grateful that God doesn't get tired of hearing our prayers the way that we sometimes get tired of praying them (Luke 18:1-8). i thought of this as i walked back from the library--tired, thoughtful, weak (that achy, sick feeling...bleh), and whispering prayers into the dark that i've prayed countless times before. the air was cool and fresh; the moon bright and watchful. i was reminded, again, of Luke 18:1-8. Oh, keep whispering those prayers. Keep on...
Thursday, August 27, 2009
oh, pete!
first of all, peter mulvey has a new album out! It's called "Letter from a Flying Machine." From clips, it sounds great. second of all, HE'S COMING BACK TO CHICAGO!! I hope to go. He'll be at Evanston S.P.A.C.E. again--a fabulous show last spring.
today was a great day. psalms class was inspiring and richly terrifying--sometimes i feel like Howard rightly focuses our hearts on the holiness of God. We get close to that holiness and it sometimes evokes a trembling in me.
i also went in to talk with Dr. Schmutzer about life, internship ideas, etc. He was greatly encouraging and we were able to brainstorm about about different possibilities. he's going to help me get something "different" approved by the Bible department. he gave me a few book titles to look into--always an excitement.
the semester is shaping up nicely. classes are really good--especially the holocaust, psalms, and message prep. i'm going to be challenged, stretched, and grown so much by these professors.
tonight Erin made wonderful stir-fry. Justin is coming over for a visit--always fun. I have no homework. i'd like to spend some time journaling and then in bed at an early(ish) hour!
today was a great day. psalms class was inspiring and richly terrifying--sometimes i feel like Howard rightly focuses our hearts on the holiness of God. We get close to that holiness and it sometimes evokes a trembling in me.
i also went in to talk with Dr. Schmutzer about life, internship ideas, etc. He was greatly encouraging and we were able to brainstorm about about different possibilities. he's going to help me get something "different" approved by the Bible department. he gave me a few book titles to look into--always an excitement.
the semester is shaping up nicely. classes are really good--especially the holocaust, psalms, and message prep. i'm going to be challenged, stretched, and grown so much by these professors.
tonight Erin made wonderful stir-fry. Justin is coming over for a visit--always fun. I have no homework. i'd like to spend some time journaling and then in bed at an early(ish) hour!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
home for a year
Living in jenkins has been glorious. here are the promised pictures (minus the bedroom which is currently messy. and because it's raining and dark, some of these are blurry. sorry). kristen, i think you are the only one that is really interested :)
Also, i put up pictures of the bread bowls--mom also wanted to see them. They turned out super yummy and not bad for a first try. hopefully there will be more, especially when it gets cold. Mmm.
There's something about having SPACE to live in that (1) makes me feel more human (2) inspires me to learn (3) relaxes me. There's something about the ability to BE--on the couch, in the bedroom, taking a shower in the bathroom, in the kitchen--that is much more freeing than being cooped up in a dorm room between the same four walls. We can have people OVER and visit in a "real" living room. I don't know, maybe these are trivial delights but they are nevertheless real. I love the floor to ceiling windows, too. Sigh. I'm blessed. I have thanked the Lord many times for this gift (especially since so much was given or borrowed and we didn't have to spend a ton of money).
Alright. enough babbling. here are the pictures...
oh, so yummy! especially filled with Trader Joe's roasted red pepper tomato soup!!! I LOVE SOUP!!
Well, that's our humble abode! and now i have to go to class :)
Also, i put up pictures of the bread bowls--mom also wanted to see them. They turned out super yummy and not bad for a first try. hopefully there will be more, especially when it gets cold. Mmm.
There's something about having SPACE to live in that (1) makes me feel more human (2) inspires me to learn (3) relaxes me. There's something about the ability to BE--on the couch, in the bedroom, taking a shower in the bathroom, in the kitchen--that is much more freeing than being cooped up in a dorm room between the same four walls. We can have people OVER and visit in a "real" living room. I don't know, maybe these are trivial delights but they are nevertheless real. I love the floor to ceiling windows, too. Sigh. I'm blessed. I have thanked the Lord many times for this gift (especially since so much was given or borrowed and we didn't have to spend a ton of money).
Alright. enough babbling. here are the pictures...
oh, so yummy! especially filled with Trader Joe's roasted red pepper tomato soup!!! I LOVE SOUP!!
Well, that's our humble abode! and now i have to go to class :)
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
simple things
a bowl of granola and cheerios with fresh blueberries and strawberries...followed by a strong cup of hot coffee. i'm grateful for the simple things.
want to share this prayer i came across while reading yesterday. it captures and articulates my heart in these days...
"we would know more of you"
You are the God of all truth, the God of deep hiddenness.
God of all hiddenness who shows yourself in your being hidden,
who hides yourself in your disclosures,
we would know more of you
of your goodness and your mercy,
of your large purposes and long-term dreams.
In your presence we become aware of how little we know of ourselves,
of our interests and passions,
of our fears and dreads,
of our own wonderments and gifts.
In your truthfulness, let us know more of you
and in knowing you, ourselves as well.
We pray in the name of Jesus, where we see you fully,
and ourselves clearly. Amen.
(walter brueggemann)
want to share this prayer i came across while reading yesterday. it captures and articulates my heart in these days...
"we would know more of you"
You are the God of all truth, the God of deep hiddenness.
God of all hiddenness who shows yourself in your being hidden,
who hides yourself in your disclosures,
we would know more of you
of your goodness and your mercy,
of your large purposes and long-term dreams.
In your presence we become aware of how little we know of ourselves,
of our interests and passions,
of our fears and dreads,
of our own wonderments and gifts.
In your truthfulness, let us know more of you
and in knowing you, ourselves as well.
We pray in the name of Jesus, where we see you fully,
and ourselves clearly. Amen.
(walter brueggemann)
Sunday, August 23, 2009
some days just feel "strange"
and today was one of them.
it was a good day, don't get me wrong. it just had moments of weird or strange.
lunch with the slackline crew--we made mexican and had everyone over to Jenkins. we then went down to the beach but had to set the line up under the trees instead. i couldn't stay long because i had a cocktail part to attend. yes, you read this correctly. it was an "interview" for a nanny job. I'll be working about 10 hrs a week with this really nice family watching the SWEETEST and cutest little girls. They are beautiful and seem really well behaved. i think it will be good. hopefully i'll also be able to pick up more hours through some of her friends. i'm grateful for God's speedy provision of a job.
i went to vespers briefly. i can never seem to stay at events like that long. don't really know why. tonight it just felt so strange...for a variety of reasons that i won't go into with much detail. but i did look at lacy and say "this feels funny. sarah and mariah should be here." tears always seem like they are quick to build up and boil over. so we came back to the apartment and i made coffee while we talked and sat.
later, phil ands kevin came over for a visit. we played a hybrid version of catch phrase, ate cookies, and laughed. it felt good to laugh. it reminded me how much i miss laughing with Kira this summer...
candace visited for awhile, too. it was wonderful.
tomorrow classes start and i can't decide what the heck i'm "feeling" inside. senior year...really no idea of "what's next," the world is open and mysterious and i just don't have any idea. i spent some time this morning journaling, read Psalm 63 (a favorite) and read Brueggemann's prayer "the din undoes us." sometime soon i'll try to post the prayer. it's beautiful, rich, and bold and I love it.
i think my heart is just a conglomeration of thoughts, emotions, and feelings...and i don't really know what to do about it.
this strangeness is a bit frustrating.
i need to take more walks. sometimes i feel like i need a friend to walk with me, though, because if i'm by myself i do too MUCH thinking.
it was a good day, don't get me wrong. it just had moments of weird or strange.
lunch with the slackline crew--we made mexican and had everyone over to Jenkins. we then went down to the beach but had to set the line up under the trees instead. i couldn't stay long because i had a cocktail part to attend. yes, you read this correctly. it was an "interview" for a nanny job. I'll be working about 10 hrs a week with this really nice family watching the SWEETEST and cutest little girls. They are beautiful and seem really well behaved. i think it will be good. hopefully i'll also be able to pick up more hours through some of her friends. i'm grateful for God's speedy provision of a job.
i went to vespers briefly. i can never seem to stay at events like that long. don't really know why. tonight it just felt so strange...for a variety of reasons that i won't go into with much detail. but i did look at lacy and say "this feels funny. sarah and mariah should be here." tears always seem like they are quick to build up and boil over. so we came back to the apartment and i made coffee while we talked and sat.
later, phil ands kevin came over for a visit. we played a hybrid version of catch phrase, ate cookies, and laughed. it felt good to laugh. it reminded me how much i miss laughing with Kira this summer...
candace visited for awhile, too. it was wonderful.
tomorrow classes start and i can't decide what the heck i'm "feeling" inside. senior year...really no idea of "what's next," the world is open and mysterious and i just don't have any idea. i spent some time this morning journaling, read Psalm 63 (a favorite) and read Brueggemann's prayer "the din undoes us." sometime soon i'll try to post the prayer. it's beautiful, rich, and bold and I love it.
i think my heart is just a conglomeration of thoughts, emotions, and feelings...and i don't really know what to do about it.
this strangeness is a bit frustrating.
i need to take more walks. sometimes i feel like i need a friend to walk with me, though, because if i'm by myself i do too MUCH thinking.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
confession
i use men's gillette shaving cream to shave my legs. it might make me smell kind of like a man when i'm done but i don't care. it's a whole lot cheaper than the pink and purple bottles. at least i'm shaving, right? i'm generally highly unmotivated to shower, much less shave. my shower schedule for most of the summer was sunday and thursday. for some reason it's difficult to keep it now that i'm back in "civilization." expectations get to me sometimes...but only sometimes...cuz i'm still using gillette :) You know what? I enjoyed my showers a whole lot more when they were on sunday and thursday. they felt better. hmph. i'm sure there's a theory that could be developed here. hannah? one for the book? :)
the apartment is coming along. i'll post pictures soon--once its more set up and settled. we get our couches and tv today. yesss. I'm enjoying our kitchen very much. maybe too much. is that possible? I've been here for a week and I've made homemade granola, bread bowls (which actually turned out quite well for a first time), and banana bread. that's not to mention good meals. Mmmm. so so good.
i love having a place to BE, and not just one room. This morning i got up early and journaled for an hour in front of our big windows. sigh. it does my soul good :)
students are returning...
its that time of the year again--textbooks! i love it and i hate it. love the books (well, the good ones); hate spending the money (who thinks its a good idea to charge $50 for one freakin' book??!). Now that i've clepped spanish, i can say that i am very excited about my classes (er, maybe not Apologetics). I'm taking...
Apologetics
The Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil in the 21st Century
Message Prep for Women
Cross-Cultural Church Planting
Life in Bible Times
Gospel of John (Independent study)
and i am auditing Psalms with Howard!!!!!!!
Looks like a good load, eh? I'm excited about it.
i need to get going. i hope you're enjoying the sun today! it sure is beautiful.
the apartment is coming along. i'll post pictures soon--once its more set up and settled. we get our couches and tv today. yesss. I'm enjoying our kitchen very much. maybe too much. is that possible? I've been here for a week and I've made homemade granola, bread bowls (which actually turned out quite well for a first time), and banana bread. that's not to mention good meals. Mmmm. so so good.
i love having a place to BE, and not just one room. This morning i got up early and journaled for an hour in front of our big windows. sigh. it does my soul good :)
students are returning...
its that time of the year again--textbooks! i love it and i hate it. love the books (well, the good ones); hate spending the money (who thinks its a good idea to charge $50 for one freakin' book??!). Now that i've clepped spanish, i can say that i am very excited about my classes (er, maybe not Apologetics). I'm taking...
Apologetics
The Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil in the 21st Century
Message Prep for Women
Cross-Cultural Church Planting
Life in Bible Times
Gospel of John (Independent study)
and i am auditing Psalms with Howard!!!!!!!
Looks like a good load, eh? I'm excited about it.
i need to get going. i hope you're enjoying the sun today! it sure is beautiful.
Friday, August 21, 2009
dreams do come true!! :)
I'm getting my Papa's old film camera! Grandma has been saving it for awhile but is now passing it off. I am SO EXCITED. It looks something like the picture below. If you want, you can read a little more about it HERE.
I CAN'T WAIT! Now maybe I will get to learn how to develop my own film. Mmmm.....
I CAN'T WAIT! Now maybe I will get to learn how to develop my own film. Mmmm.....
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
life goes on.
listening to: "See You Soon" by Aaron Espe.
I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I love. Life is full of hard goodbyes. Sarah, Mariah, Kira, Phil, Duran, Callie, Rachel...these are the recent goodbyes that have taken a toll on me. I can't stop thinking about them, wishing them here with me or me there with them, remembering times shared, conversations had, dreams explored and wondered over. Someday...
In a lot of ways, though, it is good to be back. Living in Jenkins is an absolute huge blessing. I feel more like a "real" person (as Tiffany also articulated). We have a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room. We can eat at a table and sit on a couch. I made black bean burritos and sauteed peppers; cooked oatmeal on the stove; took orange juice out of our refrigerator; made coffee on our kitchen counter. I count these things as a huge blessing 1. because i've never had them "on my own" before and 2. because much of the world doesn't experience or enjoy such luxuries. We're blessed here.
I have a picture hanging beside my desk of a young Burmese boy in a refugee camp out to get water. Zach took it in Bangladesh this summer. It has reminded me several times this week that 1. I haven't traveled out of the country in over two years 2. I have prayed many times for those children and in my heart i long to see them where they live someday. I've been thinking more about post-Moody "plans." In part because people have asked (after all, I am going into my final year...) and in part because I just dream. But I'm in a funny place in life right now...almost unable to dream. At least unable to commit to my dreams, which is different than in the past. God taught me some more about living in the present this summer. The hard, unashamed present. Knowing God there (here) and loving Him--living Him--is not easy. No, it's not very easy.
I'm stepping out of a painful and broken season into a whole new unknown season. Funny how life is lived in pieces, isn't it? Here I am, in Chicago, IL, with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of warm green tea. Sometimes I'm caught in moments that demand I ask the question "how did I get here?" God's faithfulness has shown me the way. Even though its been hard to "feel" Him near, as I remember, look back, and question, He is faithful to show me glimpses of His glory all in-and-around me. I've said it before--I'm so tangled up in Him. He couldn't get rid of me if He tried :)
I'm overwhelmed by His goodness; His provision; His love and tender care. I've been given so much...and, perhaps above all, I have been given remarkable people to live and experience life with. Whether I'm with them for a month, two months, two years, or five...I am gifted. It is a pleasure to share life and live inside the beautiful church body. I have a new and growing love affair with the church. Derek Webb was onto something :)
I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I love. Life is full of hard goodbyes. Sarah, Mariah, Kira, Phil, Duran, Callie, Rachel...these are the recent goodbyes that have taken a toll on me. I can't stop thinking about them, wishing them here with me or me there with them, remembering times shared, conversations had, dreams explored and wondered over. Someday...
In a lot of ways, though, it is good to be back. Living in Jenkins is an absolute huge blessing. I feel more like a "real" person (as Tiffany also articulated). We have a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room. We can eat at a table and sit on a couch. I made black bean burritos and sauteed peppers; cooked oatmeal on the stove; took orange juice out of our refrigerator; made coffee on our kitchen counter. I count these things as a huge blessing 1. because i've never had them "on my own" before and 2. because much of the world doesn't experience or enjoy such luxuries. We're blessed here.
I have a picture hanging beside my desk of a young Burmese boy in a refugee camp out to get water. Zach took it in Bangladesh this summer. It has reminded me several times this week that 1. I haven't traveled out of the country in over two years 2. I have prayed many times for those children and in my heart i long to see them where they live someday. I've been thinking more about post-Moody "plans." In part because people have asked (after all, I am going into my final year...) and in part because I just dream. But I'm in a funny place in life right now...almost unable to dream. At least unable to commit to my dreams, which is different than in the past. God taught me some more about living in the present this summer. The hard, unashamed present. Knowing God there (here) and loving Him--living Him--is not easy. No, it's not very easy.
I'm stepping out of a painful and broken season into a whole new unknown season. Funny how life is lived in pieces, isn't it? Here I am, in Chicago, IL, with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of warm green tea. Sometimes I'm caught in moments that demand I ask the question "how did I get here?" God's faithfulness has shown me the way. Even though its been hard to "feel" Him near, as I remember, look back, and question, He is faithful to show me glimpses of His glory all in-and-around me. I've said it before--I'm so tangled up in Him. He couldn't get rid of me if He tried :)
I'm overwhelmed by His goodness; His provision; His love and tender care. I've been given so much...and, perhaps above all, I have been given remarkable people to live and experience life with. Whether I'm with them for a month, two months, two years, or five...I am gifted. It is a pleasure to share life and live inside the beautiful church body. I have a new and growing love affair with the church. Derek Webb was onto something :)
Sunday, August 09, 2009
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