these days

these are good days. busy, but good. exhausting, but good. i wouldn't trade them for anything i just wish i didn't have so much on my plate. sigh.

yesterday i spent the day out at Wheaton. it was a timely "relief" from life here--just so good to get away for a little while. melissa and i talked, napped, prayed, studied, laughed, and talked some more. i miss those sweet times of fellowship with her. our conversations are always so invigorating, encouraging, and challenging. there's something so beautiful about sitting across from a friend listening to thoughts of God, life, faith, friends, hope, and truth. there's something incredibly meaningful about having friends with whom we can share some of life's deepest struggles--like why belief, how belief, etc., and then come away with an even richer commitment to the Lord and delight in life.

i laid in a sunny spot on the grass for awhile yesterday and thought and prayed. i'm grateful for time and space like that in the midst of a busy end-of-year schedule.

i was able to attend the evening session of the Theological Lectureship because it was open to the public. So I got to hear N.T. Wright after all! I appreciated much of what he said. I can't articulate it now, there are too many thoughts in my head to try to express them meaningfully. plus I'd rather not just regurgitate but wrestle with some of the things said...
Jake and I talked about Wright's lecture a bit on the way home--another good conversation about honest wrestlings in this "world of theology." I'm so grateful for people to talk things out with. I know I've said it before but maybe its worth mentioning every time??...We are a gifted people to know community and share life with others!

i just need to sit and be and rest. so i look forward to the morning. i look forward to the studies of the day. i look forward to a new week of life. these are good days.

the 15th

Tomorrow is the 15th of April. I graduate on the 15th of May. There are a lot of different thoughts and emotions living in me these days. It's a lot to process. I wish I had a long afternoon to just spend sitting somewhere...The weeks go by so fast and the weekends even faster. This weekend is Wheaton to visit Mel. I guess I have train time, that will be nice. Sigh.

It's been a great week. I've been stopped to consider, in new ways, God's gift of life and the beauty of it shared. Today on the way to work the sun was so warm and there were many birds singing in the trees. Spring has brought the world alive again and I am so grateful for a new season.

As much as I feel like I can't sleep--with mind, heart, and emotions working so hard--I really ought to. So goodnight, all. Enjoy this April day :)

five year old boys

today on the way home from school:

M: "my dad is a bird hunter."
*silence*
Me: "What kind of birds does he hunt?"
M: "I don't know. He goes to the place where you can hunt birds and he shoots them."
C: "I hunt foxes in my backyard sometimes."
Me: "You do?"
C: "Yeah, in the back garden."
M: *gasp* "You shouldn't kill nature!"
C: "I only shoot the bad ones."
Me: "What makes them bad?"
C: "They bite you and kill you."
M: "Yeah, they bite you and give you things that make you sick."
C: "I stand on my back deck with my gun and kill them."
M: "Next time, you should stand farther back and use a bazooka. That's the most powerful gun in the world!"

later on while eating snack at the kitchen table:

C: "(so-and-so) is really cool."
M: "Is he cooler than me?"
C (holds thumb and index finger a little bit apart): "A tiny bit cooler."
M: "Than me?"
C: "Ok. No, you are very very cool. He's just cool."

oh man, watching these boys play today was hysterical. they dressed up like characters from star wars and ran around upstairs shrieking because the remote control R2D2 was "chasing" them...

i've been missing sam so much lately. i know what you are going to say, Kristen...I should just move to virginia :) but i'm afraid that isn't going to happen. maybe a visit soon? I'll try to find someone that might want to make the drive with me some weekend in May.

alright all, hope that was good comic relief. back to grading...

missing family and homesick for the west

maybe the reality of "staying here" for awhile is finally setting in. anticipating the change to an illinois drivers license and registering my car with illinois plates, i find myself growing increasingly nostalgic.

because of all this, yesterday afternoon found me flipping through old pictures and missing my wonderful family.












Although, I should say that there definitely are things about the midwest that I am beginning to love...
and life here is becoming my own. actually, that's probably why I feel nostalgic. life is so good.

sickness and sleeplessness

even though i went to bed at 1am after a very fun but very sick-feeling evening, I CAN'T SLEEP PAST SIX?!! uuugh. this is so frustrating.

last night was JSB, then a bonfire down at P.P. (kicked out by police), then slacklining in Lincoln Park (kicked out by police). remind me why i live in the city again, where you get kicked out of public parks by 11pm?

not having slacklined in a little over 7 months, my love is reawakened (a little rusty though). i can't turn anymore, Luke! bah. I thought of you, Callie, and missed this summer and the mountains and everything, and YOU!

it was super fun. a little overwhelming because i didn't have the energy for it and wanted to but, what can you do. from dinner on i was a mix of dizzy and nauseous.

there was an obvious emphasis yesterday on the fact that there are only five weeks of school left. aaaaaahh. crazy, man. i have so much to do. i think i'm coming to terms with two important realities this weekend: 1. i'm not going to get it all done 2. i'm ok with that (because, lets face it, i have to be, right?!). so today is my "sit down and prioritize/figure what i can and can't get done," etc.

last night was a foretaste of summer driving with good music and the windows down--one of my all time favorite things. Hallie, remember that spring break when we were enjoying just such things and you ramped the median? hahaa. good memory.

alright. here's to sunday and rest. hope your day is blessed, friends!

today

the sun is out. oh thank you, mr. sun, for coming out. uplifting in so many ways. on top of that, in my half awake state this morning, i saw the toy story tattoos tacked on my bulletin board and thought, "oh my gosh, today is the day. at breakfast with whitney, we are tattooing it up...in honor of friday. and the weekend. and surviving. and friendship. and...?" So thank you, Callie, for those valentine tattoos. Happy day.

lately I can hardly get out of my head how much I would love to go to Montana. Certain of the city buses are plastered with ads for Glacier. seriously? sigh. mountains, lakes, clean air. aaahh. It reminds me of small brown bags of flathead lake cherries, mountain goats, hidden glacier-melt lakes, and canoeing through the smoke of summer fires. I miss Montana. I miss mountains.

does anyone else feel like they are losing motivation by the day?! i feel like it's just leaking out of me. "oh! well, there goes some more..." uuugh. i'm ready for a break. i'm ready to read a few novels--and other books that have been on "my list" for awhile now.

OH! and I got the car. wahoo!!! It will be here April 30th, thanks to my wonderful parents. you know what I can hardly wait for? summer driving with the windows down and road trip mixes blaring. bring on the summer days! and free movie nights in the park. and farmer's markets. and peter mulvey. oh, and a visit from my brother with (hopefully) some sibling rock climbing. there is much to look forward to...

alright, i have to go write this paper asap. sigh.

themes and such

I'm up in Joe's and I should probably be working on homework. But sometimes I feel like that is all I ever do and I am fed up with it. So instead, in the next 30 minutes before work, I have decided to write.

First, I'd like to recap Lent before the season drifts by, forgotten until next year. Although, this year I dare say it will be a little harder to do because God has been serious in his teaching of me. So serious in quiet little ways. Why does God teach some of the most significant things to us in simple, hushed, seemingly "unimportant" ways? Pay attention to those little things, they just might turn out to be really important in the end.

There was a night oh so many weeks ago on which I lay in bed wondering how to enter the Lenten season. Worry was a theme of that week and I was tired of spending my energy struggling over things unworthy of so much thought time. So I gave up worry for Lent. Weird, I thought, because there is no way to "give up" something like worry. Without going into the meticulous details of the days and weeks that followed, I'll just say that they were a remarkable mixture of beauty and frustration. I learned a little bit more about myself--and humanity, even--and lived with the Lord the in's and out's of Lent learning in new ways what it means to 1. be human 2. be in relationship with God 3. be sinful.

I have a class right now on the healing ministry of Christ. It's been such an interesting study. I think we can approach a "topical" study like that with ideas of how it will turn out--what will be learned, discovered, and revealed. It's been different than I thought. I've been overwhelmed to discover in the Gospels (and through extra-biblical study) that Christ's ministry was, perhaps above all, so remarkable because of the rich themes of reconciliation, redemption, and restoration that evidence themselves in understandings of "the kingdom of God" and "Sabbath," etc. The significance of Jesus' words is inextricably linked to the beauty of his work. So when he teaches us to pray the Lord's prayer, then, the weight and richness of meaning is suddenly "new."

I don't know, this is hugely encouraging to me. It was, too, as I wrestled my way through Lent, increasingly aware of 1. his remarkable self 2. my need of that remarkable self.

Holy Week was exceptionally powerful this year. I know I've mentioned before that as I get older, these holidays gain in their lived importance for me. I went to a Good Friday service at 4th Presbyterian. It was a beautiful service and I remember sitting there in that rather uncomfortable and stuffy cathedral-style hall thinking about how much we need Him--how necessary his death was and how desperate the hope and belief that he would rise again. In fact, listening to the bells toll thirty-three times (one for each year of his life) felt like an eternity of thinking on this. This made Easter almost unbearable in its joy. This year I actually lived the newness provided through His death and resurrection.

Is the life of the world without death because he was "victorious over death"? Is there no more suffering because He suffered for us, to end it? Are our lives free of sin and shame because He died a shameful death and bore our sins for us?
What a painful mystery that we look around us and see/hear a resounding, "NO!" The life of the world still experiences death and it rips families apart, tortures people groups, and shreds nations. There is suffering every day in and through relationships, disease, lies, and violence (obviously there is a more extensive list). We are caught in webs of sin--systems of sin--that won't let us out. The result is often shame, discouragement, even despair.

So what, then? What about that death and that resurrection?

I've been thinking about those themes again. Reconciliation, redemption, and restoration. These themes are all over Creation and they stepped into Creation when Jesus walked the earth. The incarnation was God taking on our condition--stepping into the web and the system of brokenness from without, because that's the only way to stop it. We desperately need something from without to step in--break in. He did that. He provided a way that would make possible the reconciliation, redemption, and restoration of the world. And that's what He's doing--that's what we are doing in and through Him, agents of hope and compassion. One day this shall all be made right.

Giving up worry settled me into a place of realized need. It was an interesting place come Holy Week when I began to realize deeper and deeper why it was so necessary that He came and died--and now lives and works.

I've thought of Hopkins' words much this week,"The world is charged with the grandeur of God. It will flame out, like shining from shook foil..."

Confession(s)

1. knitting on spring days is a wonderful distraction from other responsibilities :)

2. a cookies and cream ice cream bar on a warm spring evening is equally as wonderful, in its own way.

3. i need a break from the city. in other words, i really hope i am able to find a car before summer begins so that i have the option of driving out and away every now and again.

4. i wish there was a mountain in my backyard.

5. i miss tucson.

6. thunderstorms thrill me in a way nothing else does. they are spectacular.

7. i love walking in the rain with chacos.

8. i am hoping for a summer road-trip.

9. i bought Sandra McCracken's new hymns cd, In Feast or Fallow.

10. daffodils are my "happiest flower." i love them so very much. thank you, Trader Joe's, for $1.49 bundles of bright yellow to brighten up my days!!

also, a few pictures from our Easter celebration:

sometimes the beautiful can't be named

there's something about these days that can't quite be named. but its beautiful (hmm...echoes of a peter mulvey song, i think). seriously, though. i am all caught up in things that can't be named: thoughts, questions, wonderings, emotions, and yes, even worries (remind me to tell you sometime about Lent and worry. there's a rich story there...). i find myself sort of reveling in the frustrating mystery of it all with the encouraging (but often unrelentingly "quiet") presence of God. i believe, probably more than ever, that there is something to be said for steeping ourselves in the Lord. just being with or near Him is a remarkable work of grace. i think we underestimate it sometimes. i know i'm grateful for moments with Him snatched here and there throughout the day--enjoying the new green leaves bursting from winter hiding, drinking in bright sunshine, hearing the warm laughter of new (and old) friends, praying into the dark before drifting to sleep (or early morning journaling/reading when sleep is impossible), smiling at strangers on the EL or the regular "hello" and "how are you" exchanged with the homeless man that collects his coins outside the post office. These things are simple but delightful. this is life, friends! many, many moments all squished together. how will we live them? we only have one life to live...

life is sopping with newness after the refreshment of Easter. have you felt it?

He Lives

Not the Kingdom of Death

"Christ is risen!

We give thanks for the gift of Easter

that runs beyond our explanations,

beyond our categories of reason,

even more, beyond the sinking sense of our own live.

We know about the powers of death,

powers that persist among us,

powers that drive us from you, and

from our neighbor, and

from our best selves.

We know about the powers of fear and greed and anxiety,

and brutality and certitude.

powers before which we are helpless.

And then you...you at dawn, unquenched,

you in the darkness,

you on Saturday,

you who breaks the world to joy.

Yours is the kingdom...not the kingdom of death,

Yours is the power...not the power of death,

Yours is the glory...not the glory of death.

Yours...You...and we give thanks

for the newness beyond our achieving.

Amen."

(Walter Brueggemann, Easter Tuesday/April 25, 2000)

----------

"Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord.' But he said to them, 'Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.'

Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you.' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.' Thomas answered him, 'My Lord and my God!' Jesus said to him, 'Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'

Not Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book, but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name."

-John 20:24-31

---------

A few Easter thoughts... :)

Today He reminds me (us) of his power over death. He broke the arms of death--arms that could not hold him--and shattered the power of darkness. And instead, He embraces us with his arms and infuses the darkness of this world with light. We need His newness. We are ready for newness. We are grateful for newness, and life.

He is a God of remarkable surprises. He is the One with no odds against Him to keep his vision of redemption at bay. All things will be made new and made right.

"What language shall I borrow

To thank thee, dearest friend,

For this thy dying sorrow,

Thy pity without end?

O make me thine forever;

And should I fainting be,

Lord, let me never, never

Outlive my love to thee."

-Attr. Bernard of Clairvaux

The Terrible Silencing we Cannot Master

Holy God who hovers daily round us in fidelity and compassion,

this day we are mindful of another, dread-filled hovering,

that of the power of death before which we stand

thin and needful.

All our days, we are mindful of the pieces of our lives

and the parts of your world

that are on the loose in destructive ways.

We notice that wildness midst our fear and our anger unresolved.

We mark it in a world of brutality and poverty and hunger

all around us.

We notice all our days.

But on this day of all days,

that great threat looms so large and powerful.

It is not for nothing

that we tremble at these three hours of darkness

and the raging earthquake.

It is not for nothing

that we have a sense of our helplessness

before the dread power of death that has broken loose

and that struts against our interest and even against our will.

Our whole life is not unlike the playground in the village,

lovely and delightful and filled with squeals unafraid,

and then we remember the silencing

of all those squeals in death,

and we remember the legions of Kristy's

that are swept away in a riddle too deep for knowing.

Our whole life is like that playground

and on this dread-filled Friday we pause before

the terrible silencing we cannot master.

So we come in our helpless candor this day...

remembering, giving thanks, celebrating...

but not for one instant unmindful of dangers too ominous

and powers too sturdy and threats well beyond us.

We turn eventually from our hurt for children losts.

We turn finally from all our unresolved losses

to the cosmic grief at the loss of Jesus.

We recall and relive that wrenching Friday

when the hurt cut to your heart.

We see in that terrible hurt, our losses

and your full embrace of loss and defeat.

We dare pray while the darkness descends

and the earthquake trembles,

we dare pray for eyes to see fully

and mouths to speak fully the power of death all around,

we dare pray for a capacity to notice unflinching

that in our happy playgrounds other children die,

and grow silent,

we pray more for your notice and your promise

and your healing.

Our only urging on Friday is that you live this as we must

impacted but not destroyed,

dimmed but not quenched.

For your great staying power

and your promise of newness we praise you.

It is in your power

and your promise that we take our stand this day.

We dare trust that Friday is never the last day,

so we watch for the new day of life.

Hear our prayer and be your full self toward us.

Amen.

(Walter Brueggemann, Good Friday//1991)

---------

"Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eil, lema sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'" Mt 27:45-46

sitting here, waiting

"if you figure out what we're doing here, sitting between the crucifixion and the resurrection, let me know your thoughts..." said a friend.

today there's been a general sense of waiting. it's a hard kind of waiting, too, anticipating the sorrow and hoping for (but not yet experiencing) the joy that will follow. i think this is ok. even healthy. so often we rush through Holy Week. in all our desire for Easter we live the week in a blur, not allowing ourselves to truly live it.

as i grow older, a lot of things gain greater significance. Easter is one such event. the development of my faith, the relationship I have grown with God, the way I have studied and learned, the lives around me--these things have together created something in me that is turning remarkably profound as I come to Easter this year. i don't think i can explain it, so i'm not going to try. but i pray that you sense some of it too, this Holy Week.

I know it isn't officially Maundy Thursday but I am posting this prayer of Brueggemann's now.

- - -

The Pivot of Hope

This day of dread and betrayal and denial

causes a pause in our busyness.

Who would have thought that you would take this eighth son of Jesse

to become the pivot of hope in our ancient memory?

Who would have thought that you would take

this uncredentialed

Galilean rabbi

to become the pivot of newness in the world?

Who would have thought that you--

God of gods and Lord of lords--

would fasten on such small, innocuous agents

whom the world scorns

to turn creation toward your newness?

As we are dazzled,

give us the freedom to resituate our lives in modest,

uncredentialed, vulnerable places.

We ask for freedom and courage to move out from our nicely

arranged patterns of security

into dangerous places of newness where we fear to go.

Cross us by the cross, that we may be Easter marked. Amen.

(On reading 1 Samuel 16:1-13 on Maundy Thursday/April 12, 2001)

- - -

What is this waiting? why are we sitting here...?

I am deeply aware of desires we are unable to satisfy, captured as we are in cobwebs of sin and patterns of ill-behavior that demonstrate remarkable mistrust and genuine need. I am struck by the significant truth of the God-man Christ who reflects a vision for humanity--for the world--that means a reversal, a remaking of things. Yes, newness. The word itself is a quiet comfort. Newness.

But wait.

First we reject him. First we do not understand. First we struggle to believe. First we are confused. First he suffers and dies for this newness. First he must leave us...

and we wait.

no idea what life will look like

this internship makes me want to teach. sigh. craziness. i am realizing more and more each day that i have no idea what my life is going to look like.

it's been an interesting week. very interesting. i'll try to update soon. i'm too tired tonight. i'm off to bed, grateful that tomorrow is friday and that there is the weekend to follow. last week's insomnia is finally catching up with me. this week wasn't a whole lot better, either. grrrr.

i'm a sucker for thrift store mugs

and i guess my friends know it...

while lacy was in NM with mariah, they went thrifting and she found me this WONDERFUL mug! Isn't it a beauty? just perfect for soup or cereal, tea, coffee, or anything else that might taste better out of a mug (which, we all know, is pretty much anything). hurrah for thrift stores! and hurrah for dear friends :)

"What more, you may ask, do we want? … We do not want merely to see beauty, though, God knows, even that is bounty enough. We want something else which can hardly be put into words—to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it." —C. S. Lewis, "The Weight of Glory"

spring snowfall

oh eddie vedder, i am enjoying your sound. into the wild soundtrack. like it so much. pandora "ray lamontagne" station=great.

it's been snowing all day. oh goodness...

and i've been grading papers and working on my internships all day. i'm getting closer and closer to putting the syllabus together. have i mentioned that this project kind of makes me want to be a professor? i don't know what that means (or will mean) but, it is what it is right now :)

last night i couldn't fall asleep until 2AM! what?! i don't understand how i can go to bed tired...and not sleep. uuuugh. i ended up reading through an old journal from a few years ago. i really enjoy reading through old journals. when i do, i am always (always) made to realize something rather important that i have either forgotten or overlooked. do you sometimes feel like you understood more "back then" than you do now? last night i felt that my faith was somehow stronger back then, August 8, 2008,

Recognize the growing "urge" to walk away from Him...from Him who is life. The thought is terrifying and I wept before the Lord as I confessed it tonight. And as I did so, I think I was able to "determine" why it is I feel this way. I'm angry with Him...I'm angry because I long to see the lives of those I now love at the Club [this was when I was working at the Tucson Country Club] made new, whole--given hope. I don't see God changing them and I suppose I've "despaired." What a wretched response. Weak heart I have. Sigh. There's a beauty in the brokenness I feel. I am grateful to the Lord for placing me here. A job obviously provided by Him. A job I hated. A place I "wanted out of." An environment that seemed impossible. Now (two weeks left), though I'm feeling ready to go back to school, I feel deeply sad. Frustrated to be, once again, saying goodbye to a group of people I might not ever see or work with again. I have an empty feeling when I think that they will be out of my days in a few short weeks...My desire was to stay in Chicago, working and taking summer school. I saw no "reason" to be home in Tucson working. Goes to show how nearsighted we are...Forgive my anger toward you--forgive this unbelief. Restore to me the grace to walk in mystery and trust you when I don't feel I know how. Help me keep this faith alive when I don't even want to.

We are always in a place requiring us to trust and entrust. I am increasingly aware of our tendency to mistrust. I had forgotten what a difficult summer that was--how I hated it and wanted nothing to do with that environment. He changed my heart tremendously and redeemed that experience right out from under me. Life is full of new places, new steps, new "seasons," as we say, and its so easy to forget what happened in the last place, step, and season.

I've been doing a lot of "forced" remembering lately. Maybe that's why I can't sleep...

God's reminding me of old things and calling me to new things. The other night I got out of bed to write Dad a letter that I've had in mind to write for quite awhile. I wanted to tell him "thank you" for being a good Dad. So many of my friends have been profoundly abused and broken by their Fathers. I am grateful that, while of course Dad has faults/quirks (and sometimes I am too vocal in pointing them out), he has been the protector of me. He has cared for me body, soul, and spirit. This is something I am increasingly and deeply thankful for. I had to thank him. I don't thank people enough--for their place in my life, for the things they say (or don't), for the examples they are, for the admiration I feel. There are so many people around me that I consider it a privilege to rub shoulders with. Why don't we name the beautiful things that are often a result of "life together"? A challenge for us: to be people that name life and live it--in all its hurt and delight; beauty and brokenness. I am under the impression that such an approach will help us be honest people...it will demand that we speak to God, speak to ourselves, and speak to others about this life--this world--our faith, and the hope we maintain for things after all of this. Wouldn't it be a "thicker" living?

I don't know. It's just a thought. I should probably get back to work :)

[Sam Beam just sang from my speakers, "So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten," from Upward over the Mountain. I love this song. I love that line...]

alone for the weekend

It's just me in the apartment this weekend. Tiff went to visit Heidi in Milwaukee. I hope they have wonderful roommate reunion time!

I talked to Hallie for almost two hours tonight! so. good. to catch up with her, finally.

I just finished watching Good Will Hunting. What a good movie. I know, i had never seen it...

As it turns out, i think it was the perfect movie for me to watch tonight. Hmm. lots of good food-for-thought. Plus, Matt Damon is great and Robin Williams played a role similar to that in Dead Poets (i.e., quality).

I was feeling a bit tired this afternoon and wanted something low-key for the night. So I enjoyed the warm weather (before it snows tomorrow, what the heck?!) and walked to blockbuster, then to Jewel for a pint of swedish vanilla ice cream with chocolate covered almonds (nothing like eating it right out of the container!)

I plan on sleeping in tomorrow and then spending the day reading (with intermittent knitting) while it snows...or whatever it's planning on doing...sigh. It's going to be a little wintry again here while its nothing but spring (or summer!) over in Virginia where little Sam is busy running around outside. Oh, to be with him in the backyard playing...i wish i lived nearer to them.

Back to school on Monday! It's hard to believe break is already over. Whew, ready for the big push? I think I've been revived and refreshed enough to do it...

Alright, goodnight all. Enjoy your weekend!

On human rights, human flourishing, and Crystal (my divine interruption)

I've been working on two interrelated research projects over break. One, a curriculum development project (that is serving as my internship), and the other, a paper exploring the relationship between the image of God in humanity and the problem of sin. Research for each helpfully contributes to the finished product of both, which is helpful for two reasons. First, I don't have as much time to devote to these projects as I wish I had--story of my life right now--so the "overlap" is welcome. Second, seeing the interconnectedness of so many themes and topics thickens my understanding of Scripture and wets my appetite for the richness therein. For this I am very grateful.

In reading portions of Miller's The Way of the Lord: Essays in Old Testament Theology, I came across this great quote. It comes from the section entitled "That it May Go Well with You": The Commandments and the Common Good. These pages have delightfully offered themselves to my study of understanding a biblical theology of human rights. Here's the quote I want to share:

"While it is not necessary to argue the issue of whether or not rights theories focus excessively upon the individual or to challenge the legitimacy of rights arguments in seeking the common good in its moral dimension, it is important in this context to note that the way in which the Commandments provide a structure and space for the moral life is not in terms of rights but in terms of responsibilities. One may use other terms, such as, ‘duties’ or ‘obligations,’ in this respect, but the term ‘responsibility’ better connotes what takes place in the Decalogue. Several primary spheres of human good—work and rest, family and household, marriage, reputation and truth, the administration of justice, goods and property (economics in a broad sense), life and freedom, and human desire—are areas in which human flourishing, and so the good of the community as a whole, are protected by the assumption of responsibility for the good of the other, for the good of the neighbor. The orientation of the Commandments is always toward the other, whether the other is the God whose proper worship is the ground of all other acts or the other is the neighbor/brother/sister." Patrick D. Miller, The Way of the Lord: Essays in Old Testament Theology (Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2004), 142.

Did you catch that phrase, human flourishing? There it is again. Huh. It keeps popping up all over the place!

How meaningful to think of "human responsibility" instead of "human rights" (or, to link the two). How important it is to consider the structure of the Commandments for the communication of this mandate. There are so many different thoughts whirling around in my head as I try to unpack some of these biblical themes and how they come to bear on the "modern world" and "contemporary faith."

I continue to mull things over...

- - -

In other "news," something very interesting happened to me yesterday. I met a stranger in the library who turned out to be a divinely positioned agent, inserted into my day to interrupt me with truth about life and about God. It was really rather remarkable. I must tell you the story.

For the past week and a half my "library days" have found me at the same table, in the same chair, with a pile of books and my computer. At about 11am yesterday I noticed that someone else had come downstairs and was walking towards me. She wore a black coat, walked with a limp, and was rather unkempt. "You are the lone studier," she was standing just in front of my table. I smiled, "Yeah, there aren't many others down here, that's for sure." It became obvious that she wasn't going anywhere. I smiled again, "Are you from around here?" She just looked at me, "I was a student here. I graduated in 2003."

It turns out that this mysterious stranger was a Moody Alum. Yes, she even carried a beat up copy of the blue thin-line "alumni bible" that I will receive in a few short months. She left her notebook and Bible on the table as she wandered through the isles of books. She sighed loudly when she sat back down, "This place is so full of wonderful resources. I've missed it. I never took advantage of it when I was here." Again, I just smiled at her. A friend of mine, Drew, had walked up by this time and next thing we know out of Crystal's mouth comes the simplest, most profound little statement (I wish I could remember it word for word but it was something to the effect of...), "Sometimes I would come in here so starved--so hungry--and here are all these wonderful books." She commented on the fact that everything has moved around since 2003 (fair enough, it has been seven years). She was so cute, sitting across from me interrupting my studies every five minutes or so to share a thought or ask a question. She would always apologize for keeping me from my work, shushing herself for approximately five minutes before interrupting me with a new thought. She was leafing through a few different commentaries on Romans :)

I listened to her talk about her time on the mission field. So much pain filled her voice--so much heartache, burnout, loss, and confusion. We shared questions, thoughts about God and life, thoughts about Moody, memories, and people. She kept asking me to keep her in my prayers, that she had made some decisions she wasn't proud of and needed strength and direction from the Lord.

And we prayed. We sat at the table I've been sitting at for so much of break and we prayed. I prayed things for her that I have been praying for myself...cries for stronger faith to believe that God is present in our misgiving and mistrusting; hope that God will sharpen eyes to see and ears to hear Him when His work is simple and his voice is small; tangible guidance for an unknown future--how can we follow, we are so weak in our trusting? I confessed to her after that I am having a hard time trusting God. Even though I know that He moves in ways I cannot see, I am so quick to mistrust. And this is frustrating. Oh to just believe like we want to believe! She was quiet. She just stared off. Then she started talking. She didn't look at me, she just spoke. "Sometimes, as we follow God, our dreams for ourselves really become something great. They become big and wonderful as we pursue them. But I pushed God off to the side. Once He showed me which way to go, I acted as if I didn't need Him anymore. That's a mistake." It was so simple--some might even say "cliche"--but there was some really important truth in her words. I thanked her for saying it. She was quiet for a little while and then said matter-of-fact, "I'm going to go now," and she left. That was it. It was so strange. It was so "perfect," as if it really was the right time to leave, even though it was also abrupt. It was as if she said what she needed to say and that was enough. It was as if I heard what I needed to hear and that was enough.

All day I was perplexed by that interaction. Even more so once I remembered that I had written in my journal the night before and when I read back, I found this simple prayer: "With two months till graduation I recognize how short my time here is. Help me to use it well. Provide friendships--new and old--to encourage, challenge, and teach me. Be close to me in the business, God. Open my ears to hear you and my eyes to see you. Break into my thoughts. Interrupt my days as you see fit--one final burst of growth or douse of humility before I go from here. You know what I need most before I leave..."

And I remember her words at one point in our conversation, "thank you, I don't have very many friends in the world." We were friends for thirty minutes--thirty minutes that really mattered, to both of us.

I guess I call Crystal a divine interruption because there was just something so remarkable, out of the ordinary, and so necessary about our time together. This year I've begun to see how God steps into our lives and gives (or takes away) what we don't know we need. These can be very painful experiences of living with God but they aren't always. There's a huge comfort in knowing that He knows even the way in which we need things, though we might never have thought of it. He can provide what we don't know we need when we don't know we need it. I think that's astounding.

As I struggle to trust God with my "dreams" (my life, really. and lets be honest, what graduating senior isn't in this place)--wondering if they are worth it, questioning how they are possible, believing that He's given them for a reason, and asking how to move forward--I am awed by His simple ways of bringing me to attention (i.e., my new friend Crystal), of calming my heart (reminding me often that 1. my life is not my own 2. i am not alone in life), of providing for my needs (I found a second job today to help pay loans and save for grad. school), and of encouraging my soul (how he enriches my faith in ways that teach me to live the life I have). In all of it He is so patient with us--so deeply committed to relationship. This, too, is astounding.

weave me the sunshine

after almost two weeks of grey skies and scattered rain, the sun is shining in through our big front windows. YESS!

and I am singing along with peter, paul, and mary "weave me the sunshine, out of the fallin' rain. weave me the hope of a new tomorrow and fill my cup again."

seriously. thank you, Mr. Sun, i was hoping you'd come out today. woohoo!!