These Crazy Thoughts in My Head

“If God is to be, in truth, sought first, He must be seen as heart’s desire.”
Sheldon Vanauken A Severe Mercy


“...the human soul was made to enjoy some object that is never fully given--nay, cannot even be imagined as given--in our present mode of subjective and spatio-temporal experience.”
Sheldon Vanauken A Severe Mercy


“I had tried everything in my own mind and body; as it were, asking myself, ‘Is it this you want? Is it this?’ Last of all I had asked if Joy itself was what I wanted; and, labeling it ‘aesthetic experience,’ had pretended I could answer yes. But that answer too had broken down. Inexorably Joy proclaimed, ‘You want--I myself am your want of--something other, outside, not you nor any state of you.’” CS Lewis Surprised by Joy


“Wait on the Lord.” Psalm 27:14

“It may seem an easy thing to wait, but it is one of the postures which a Christian soldier learns not without years of teaching. Marching and quick-marching are much easier to God’s warriors than standing still. There are hours of perplexity when the most willing spirit, anxiously desirous to serve the Lord, knows not what part to take. Then what shall it do? Vex itself by despair? Fly back in cowardice, turn to the right hand in fear, or rush forward in presumption? No but simply wait. Wait in prayer, however. Call upon God, and spread the case before Him; tell Him your difficulty, and plead His promise of aid. In dilemmas between one duty and another, it is sweet to be humble as a child, and wait with simplicity of soul upon the Lord. It is sure to be well with us when we feel and know our own folly, and are heartily willing to be guided by the will of God. But wait in faith. Express your unstaggering confidence in him; for unfaithful, untrusting waiting, is but an insult to the Lord. Believe that if He keep you tarrying even till midnight, yet He will come at the right time; the vision shall come and shall not tarry. Wait in quiet patience, not rebelling because you are under the affliction, but blessing your God for it. Never murmur against the second cause, as the children of Israel did against Moses; never wish you could go back to the world again, but accept the case as it is, and put it as it stands, simply and with your whole heart, without any self-will, into the hand of your covenant God, saying, ‘Now, Lord, not my will, but Thine be done. I know not what to do; I am brought to extremities, but I will wait until Thou shalt cleave the floods, or drive back my foes. I will wait, if Thou keep me many a day, for my heart is fixed upon Thee alone,O God, and my spirit waiteth for Thee in the full conviction that Thou wilt yet be my joy and my salvation, my refuge and my strong tower.” Charles Spurgeon


I’ve been really burdened and quieted lately. So much is going on in my head...I’ve been thinking about a lot. And struggling with a lot. And waiting a lot...but often feeling very broken and discouraged. I would appreciate your prayers as I seek to experience and somehow understand this great and severe Lover that requires of me my whole life. This Savior that knows all of me and wildly pursues me but whom I hardly know.