I just finished getting the clothes off the line. It is 11:05 pm. It is getting really windy outside so my mom got up to ask me if I would bring the clothes in.
The desert is beautiful at night. It has cooled off and tonight the air is thick with moisture--not heavy or sticky, but just ready to rain. I could feel the storm coming and smell the rain...the smell of a desert rain is one of my all-time favorite smells. I love it.
The wind is gaining momentum. It is battering the screen door and rattling the windows. It's exciting. I love the anticipation that grows with the coming of the storm. I hope it pours. I think the monsoons will start early this year. That excites me. It is supposed to be an especially wet monsoon season, too. It's about time! Tucson has been in drought long enough (about 7 years...yuck!).
I went to starbucks tonight to read. I have been doing that a lot lately. It is good to be away from home and alone for a bit. It is also nice to read...I'm still reading Irresistible Revolution. I am learning a lot from it and being challenged a lot. The nice thing is, on top of the information it provides me, it also contains a lot of references to other material--and footnotes. So I can access other sources, too.
I've been thinking a lot about the meaning and value of LIFE. My views on so much have been challenged a lot lately. It is exciting but also frightening. I am realizing how little I know and how few opinions/stances I hold. But let me just tell you--as I grow more informed, I am quickly growing more opinionated about a lot of things (such as: poverty, war, abortion, capital punishment, the church, America, the person of Jesus, etc.). It might seem like a random list but all of these issues are coming together for me as I evaluate my life (duties, responsibilities, privileges, calling) as a follower of Christ. Above all, I seek direction in knowing how to handle these new opinions. Sure, its good to be informed and have opinions. But if you don't do anything with them but talk and argue, what's the point. Difference is made through action. I want this to become very real to me.
As I sat alone at Starbucks and read, lots of thoughts were going through my head. Aside from the direct subjects related to my reading material, I was thinking a lot about my friends. I am really missing Hillsdale friends. Every day I am confronted with the reality that I am not going back...weird. I think it is finally starting to sink in. I sat on my bed and cried for about 20 minutes the other day. And then tonight on my way to starbucks I cried some more. It's just a weird transition to make because the future is so clouded right now. I know I have said the future will be good (and I absolutely believe it, don't get me wrong) but there is healthiness in the grieving process.I guess for now I am just experiencing the loss--and the pain that comes with it. I'm just really emotional right now....ugh, and Kristen and Jay are leaving for Oregon a week from today. I'm so excited for them (and actually rahter jealous) but I am going to miss them an awful lot. I like being able to spend time with them. Kristen is a wonderful friend to talk to...
I got a letter from Moody on Saturday. One person dropped out so I am now 10th on the list. It means progress, but its hard because there is still so much unknown. I have done an awful job of trusting God lately. I am thankful that He is a forgiving God, and that He helps me in my unbelief. When I am weak, in Him I am made strong. I thank Him for that because I sure am weak. I fear not getting in for the fall...because I fear a harder transition at mid semester. I fear being at home for the fall semester (even though earning money would be nice) because it would be really hard to be home alone when everyone else goes back to school.
I pray that God would take these fears and toss them to the wind. Would you pray with me? I am learning (and even failing...because I wouldn't be human if I didn't) to trust God. I am learning to hand over my life to Him--and to receive in its place the joy of His love and the treasure of His Son. It is a beautiful exchange, but a difficult one for my pride to make. It's frustrating--to be a broken, wounded sinner.
So...I guess that's where I am right now. Hopefully it makes some kind of sense :)
I'm learning that life with Jesus is hard but it is so rich. So rich. And that's the way He said it would be...
I love you guys!