When I read...

...I start thinking about a lot of things. Reading always provokes new thoughts, which is good. Sometimes i need a place to write them down and/or "get them out." So...that said, I have started a blog where I can write thoughts that are provoked from my readings...not a book review but just about anything. Click here for the link. Perhaps, as is my wish, you will be challenged or encouraged to read also! And we can think deeply together about some of the things that we might not usually think about...or want to think about...but need to think about.
Is this making sense? I hope so.

Oh. And I changed my blog template. Obviously. You like it?

It's 72 out and I just sat in the plaza to read a chapter in "The End of the Affair," by Graham Greene (fabulous book!). In 30 minutes I will be dressing up to attend a 4-course meal that Jordan is cooking for us downstairs. Delightful. She's an incredible cook...I can't wait.

Hopefully my stomach will enjoy it.

I'm going to go to the doctor on tuesday. Unless I really feel 100%. The supplements have helped, but I REALLY want to kill this thing for good. It's not fun.

Tomorrow night I babysit again for the family ont the 39th floor! I saw the other night that the mother has 7 Emmy awards on a shelf in their office. Crazy. Like I've said, a whole different life.

Talked with Dr. de Rosset the other day. She called me into her office to talk about my writing. She wanted to know what I am "going to do with myself" which, naturally, sparked conversation and a whole lot of things came up. I'll just say I was SO ENCOURAGED to talk with her, brainstorm with her, hear from her, receive insight and direction, etc. It was MUCH needed and I am pleased to have a confidant here at Moody--who knows my heart probably best of all my professors, knows my loves and passions, knows some of my dreams...and can help me find an outlet for all of these while I am here. I might be changing my major. It will be the last and final switch...it won't be possible after this unless I want to stay longer (which I don't).

So...I have a meeting Tuesday morning with the chair of the Bible department to talk about the possibility of forming an innerdisciplenary study program...Bible with an emphasis in theology or whatever else I want to take!! I will write up a plan, meet with him, and we'll decide something together. I am SO excited!!

I'm also getting super excited about this fall. for one, i haven't been in Chicago for a fall semester yet. for another, i have some exciting classes...just ignore the ones that might not be all that exciting :) Here they are:

Philosophy (with Dr. Rim!!!)
Lifetime Fitness
Old Testament Biblical Theology (with Schmutzer...de Rosset said I'll love him)
Pursuit of Knowledge and the Monstrous in the Novel (de Rosset!!)
Minor Prophets (with Hart)
Church History
Systematic Theology (thank goodness I got in with Finkbeiner...still. this will be interesting i think)

I'm thinking of taking Hermeneutics independent study this summer. We'll see.

De Rosset told me "in case you haven't figured it out yet, you have to intentionall plan our way through Moody. You have to find the right professors and the right classes..." I'd discovered that, yes, but it was good to hear it from her. Plus, she has an insiders perspective and can help me choose :) She told me to go into her office anytime!!

She also said "Andrea, you are in Chicago. You need to keep your artistic side alive. Go out into the city. Take advantage of the opportunities!"She's right. I need to be intentional about keeping that side of me alive that sometimes feels so suffocated here. Taking her literature classes will help. A lot.

I am so blessed to be in the city with all the opportunities. I will be getting out more :)
In early may there's a photography exhibit coming...pictures from Darfur. I am anxious to go. It's free. Again--an incredible opportunity.

I will continue to tutor our refugee family with Mariah this fall. We are excited. She wants to get out more to "practice" speaking english. It will be so much fun! Next Saturday we have a picnic/barbeque with all the ESL students and their tutors. can't wait!!

Alright. This is long. I have to go get ready for dinner. Hope you all are well! Finish the semester strong and stay focused (I'm speaking to myself big-time. Sometimes i think it will take a miracle!!)

love you guys!!

fighting the parasites

so...andrea has giardiasis...which is, for those of you who didn't know (like myself), a result of having had giardia and not killing it all the first time. I don't really know what's coming back, but something is...giardia, worms, malaria. They can "resurface" after some time, if the bug isn't killed off completely the first time, or it lies dormant in the system. Either way, I am having similar symptoms. Bleh. I didn't make the connection until yesterday. I just thought my body was being weird and I couldn't figure out why. But then two days ago the all-to-familiar bloaty, crampy, pressure in my stomach returned. And its aggrivated by certain foods. yuck. It's that gurgly, "something is alive in there" feeling. I hate it. I didn't sleep very well last night because of it. It's a gross kind of feeling.

Blessing of the day, though!!--I skipped class to go to Whole Foods for medicine (I found online there are several herbal supplements that can be taken to combat giardiasis and malaria) and came back to find class had been canceled anyway! yesss.

Still, I have lots of cuts in several of my classes. So. I am going to go take a bunch of stuff (they sound exciting: oregon grape, goldenseal, garlic...). I might skip my other two classes to read or clean or do other homework. The semester is winding down. For some reason, i don't really have anything to do for a little while. nice. It's supposed to be 70 today!

Oh, and I went slacklining last night. It was lots of fun. I've decided I am going to practice lots all summer with luke. yay!!

silence

teach us to dwell in silence, O Lord, that we might hear your voice above the clutter of our own lives.

picture quality is baaad...but at least you can hear her!! :)

Thought for the day...

"Oh, be thou of a steadfast heart, and put thy trust in him." -Edward Caswall

during BroSis prayer this morning I was overwhelmed by this thought: He's the God of POSSIBILITIES. Think of it! Think of what that MEANS for our whole lives. gah!! It is so exciting.

Juno

went with sarah, mariah, and some others to see Juno last night at the $3 theater. yay for cheap friday nights. it's one of those movies i say "i really liked it" but feel like I can't really say that. It was a good movie. honest. real. but hard. i cried. something about it was so beautiful but so tragic. I guess its just hard to explain.

I got a bad headache near the end of it... turned into a ridiculous migrain and I almost threw up. It was a really bad one. I've decided to watch foods I eat. Maybe try detoxing. Mariah said she used to get bad headaches in high school that they found were a lack of protein...solved simply by eating some eggs in the morning and yogurt at snacks.

I'm going to get a library card today. The simple things of life :) i'm super excited.

Tonight I babysit for the family on the 39th floor with a wall of windows looking out over the lake and a baby grand in the living room. I get nervous. It's such a different life.

hope you all are having a fabulous weekend :)

Sighing deep or gasping loud.

"Is it not, for all its sting, a wonderful way to live? To dream and want and pray, almost savagely, and then to commit and wait and see Him pile all dreams aside and replace them with that which we cannot dream, the realized will."
-Jim Elliot

Drunk in this world

sometimes the world really is too full to talk about. Are you ever smacked with God's goodness? And then you are left feeling drunk happy? Ha. that's me. right now. and i have to write a paper. HOW CAN I WRITE A PAPER RIGHT NOW? I just want to go for a walk or a run or scream from the top of the dorm roof (our new thing...thanks to Garden State). Sigh. God is so good.

A chat with Brian McLaren

my head is sort of reeling these days. I have been thinking about so much... last week was DC and I am STILL processing that trip. This weekend was McLaren's Deep Shift seminar (Friday and Saturday). Lots to think about and wrestle through again. So, here I am. Sitting in my room TRYING to get homework done. I have a lot to do. But I am so exhausted and distracted. Sigh.

Mariah and I got to talk to McLaren twice--Friday night and then Saturday after the session. It was good to be able to see his face and hear his person. I need to read more. A lot more. he gave us two books--one of which is "New Kind of Christian" which I am told is amust read. I purchased what he recommended: "The Secret Message of Jesus" which, if it is anything like his morning lecture "Which Jesus do you Follow?" it will be really challenging and really good. It reminded me so much of what my Pastor teaches. biblical. refreshing. encouraging. new. exciting.

There's a lot about the "emerging" church movement that I REALLY like. There is a lot that REALLY leaves me wanting. But it is a discussion I think we need to be a part of. It is a movement we need to listen to, learn from, and challenge.

I usually qualify this next statement with "more than ever" but really, we always ought to be doing this: pray for discernment. Stay close to the Lord's side, listen to the Spirit, ask for courage and wisdom to follow and obey.

perhaps someday, as I am able to "unthink," I will post more. There were some things learned this weekend that were a carry-over of last and then reinforced AGAIN by today's sermon at Church. God is teaching me lots. It is hard. It is good.

Love to you all! Live like you're serious :) Take deep pleasure in your days for, indeed, the joy of the Lord is our strength. We have GREAT HOPE in the person of Christ. God come man, stepping into time and history to say and do a lot...do we believe it? Do we live like we believe it? He rose again. The resurrection--central to our story of redemption. beautiful exciting stuff, my friends :)

weekend in DC

it was friday morning that I decided to go. the bus left downtown chicago at 5pm friday and got into washington, dc at noon on saturday. i went with zach and mariah. it was incredible. the reason:
the Congo Global Action conference

it was a decision i don't regret at all. the conference was free. it was one of the most incredible opportunities I've had while being here. it was very refreshing to get away, be with others who are taking global action (many who are taking much MORE action and who KNOW MORE...), see DC, hang out with good friends, think about what God is talking to me about (where he is leading), be challenged and burdened by the brutality of the genocide in the Congo. My eyes were opened, my heart enlarged, my mind stretched. I have a whole lot to think about...

Each session was a panel. Each panel had at least one congolese that was flown in by the Holocaust Memorial Committee on Conscience. Here are the session topics:

1. Exploring gender-based violence in Congo
2. What children hear: children as victims of war and economic realities in the DRC
3. National resource exploitation and conflict
4.Post-conflict nation stabilization and governance concerns
5. Media training and blogging for action

Several NGO's were also present to share information about their overseas work, etc (World Vision, Enough, Oxfam, International Rescue Committee, Women for Women, etc). It was so neat to be able to gather more resources and make new connections.


DC was incredible. I'm so glad I got to see it again now that I am older and can appreciate it more (White house, Lincoln Memorial, Vietnam and WWII Memorials, Washington memorial, The Capital, Arlington Cemetery, etc). The Holocaust Memorial Museum was especially incredible because of where God is leading me in issues and realities of genocide today, etc. (Also, i just reread Night for a term paper).

Mariah, Zach, and I had an incredible time. We've been pulled in lots of new directions and are now asking the Lord to help it all sink deep and bring full change and action.

here are some pictures from the weekend...

Chapel today=amazing

most people hated it. i find that happening a good amount. the ones i really like, others don't. But i did overhear a few people praising it. That was encouraging. In all fairness, it was a little hard to listen to. The guy that was supposed to come got sick but sent his manuscript so Dr. Litfin read it. I admit, it is hard to listen to someone read. But such good subject matter. The discipline is in paying close attention--if you lose him for a little while, you lose him forever. Anyway. The subject was: theology in an age of terror. Fabulous. Lots of good history; lots of good fact; lots of good truth; lots of good inspiration. He quoted Augustine a lot. wonderful. sigh.

Addressed the extremes the Church needs to be aware of (to avoid): utopianism and cynicism.

gave a great story about St. Assisi...probably one of my favorite parts of the whole thing. Tied it all up with...genuine Christian faith walks the thin line between sweetness and nausea.

the charge: the world is short of breath. Do not lose heart. He will renew your youthful strength and you will rise up on wings like eagles. We are called to remain faithful to the calling of Christ.

ah. so good.

oh wow. sometimes my heart hurts so bad...unexpectedly

came across something I wrote two days after I arrived back in the states last november. man, time flies.

"The world, God's world, is so much BIGGER than all that my "whole
world" was here. We have no idea, I think, what lies beyond the
borders of our country, the borders of our vision, the borders of our
desires...there are so many MORE people and so many MORE things to
think about and consider "out there." I'm sort of stuck between two
places--my heart longing for the country and people I love but knowing
this is where God wants me right now and I need to be "all here,"
ready for the work He brings my way, eager to obey and follow. Sigh."

my heart is in a quiet place tonight. A quiet place that sorta hurts.

Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know

I don't actually have much to say. Only that I am listening to this song...on the "Hannah Chicago Mix" and I like it. I like that line...darlin' do not fear what you don't really know. maybe because its such a challenge for me. hm.

I've been blessed by random acts of mercy and unexpected experiences of grace. I am BIG TIME learning that...

we don't always see grace but Grace always sees us.

I'm back from spring break. It's good to be back. It was sort of warm today, that was encouraging. I look forward to more sun.

This song is of incredible encouragement to me right now...

In the arms of a good Father
You can go to the deep water
Where the questions, we have left unspoken
Come out in the open
We will find shelter here

So I lay down, what I cannot hold in my hands
Every sorrow and hope spinning out of control
And here I find sweet resolution comes in letting go
And we will find shelter here

When I look back I can see,
And when I am old I’ll remember these things
Like a mountain of stone
And the longing that makes me believe…

There is a tree by the blue river
Where the shade stretches wide over
In this breaking we are hand and glove
Come with me my love
We will find shelter here
We will find shelter here…
(Sandra McCracken)

Sound of Silence

Gerhard said, “the enemy of this age is noise and business.” I had forgotten. It was so long ago that I heard these words. Well, maybe only eight months. I am quick to forget. Dr. de Rosset says we must evaluate every bit of technology we allow into our lives—is it for better or worse? This life is short; we cannot afford to make big mistakes over and over again about how we spend our time—and what we allow into our time.
This has really been getting to me lately. I have been feeling increasingly “oppressed” by things from without—bombarded by technology, media, voices, sounds. Do you ever want to scream? Is it ever too much? I think it ought to be. Honestly, sometimes I get to the point where I can’t even hear myself think. When I notice this, I usually don’t even have words that enable me to express the feelings—only some sort of exclamation; “what the hell!” or something like that. “Shut up already!!”
I come to find, however, that I am the one who is most at fault, for I have not fought for silence. We must do battle with the noise and business. It is not an easy battle. There must be losses, sacrifices made. I went to Africa for six months and decided not to bring any music. This did not mean I heard no noise or music—only that I listened to it a lot less. A whole lot less. Life was much quieter…and I think that added to the richness.
The silence and solitude added to the depth of things learned because life was slower and the increased quiet helped me process, dig, discover, reflect, consider. Dare I say that it is easier to hear God when we are quiet? Something happens when we allow so much into our time. Too many distractions make learning unnecessarily difficult—or, perhaps, hinder it altogether. I am not at all saying that noise and business (or “music”) keeps us from growing, though there is much truth in this, I think. I am saying that we must guard our quiet space.
I remember tearing out a phrase from a magazine once that caught my eye: “a tribute to the quiet place.” Sometimes I ache for the quiet place. I long for it. Do you? But then we cannot get there, because we have entangled ourselves with the noise and business of this life. In desperation, we might try to run there. But we usually trip and fall—oops, forgot about that. I cannot seem to get rid of the sounds. And again, we are distracted.
Ah, time to step back. Time to grab some scissors. Praying for discernment, let’s go mad with the scissors—cutting these entangling distractions that tie us down.

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.” -Mother Teresa

"We live, in fact, in a world starved for solitude, silence, and private: and therefore starved for meditation and true friendship." -C.S. Lewis

Has the release come?

Lately I've been feeling a little bottled up. I've been missing Africa and, at the same time, have been uncovering exciting new things here: friendships and passions that are refreshing, encouraging, and exciting. So here I am, in sort of a strange place of in-between. Today I have been aching for Africa. I re-read some old journal entries and was transported. It's funny how a smell can take you back somewhere. I smelled the rain on the wind and was standing on the red hillsides of Motjane, looking out over the stunningly beautiful green countryside. Hills beautiful beyond the singing of it... and my heart feels broken.

I'm feeling much like I was on november 3rd, just a little while before I flew home. Here's what I wrote:

11-3-07
"THERE'S HEALING IN THE BREAKDOWN.
When and where will the release come? I'm beginning to wonder, as I feel I am living in a weird tunnel...sort of numb and unaware, looking behind or in front but struggling to understand myself in this present state. Lord, I need you.
The rain outside falling softly on the roof has had a peaceful and calming effect on me today. I welcomed the storm--with thunder and lightening--and even took a nap by our open window this afternoon. Slept a lot today...sort of feel like I don't really know what to do with myself.
Amanda had a dream about me--that she found me sort of off by myself in an "alone place" with tears streaming down my face. She had the sense that she had stepped into or interrupted a time of much needed (yet painful) release.
It was sort of a timely dream, as I wonder about a time of release myself...sort of feel bottled up and in need of a good, hard cry. Lord, be near me. Hold me please, I feel a little afraid and unsure."

Lately I've been quieted to accept the reality that I serve a God of mystery. I don't know all of Him. Quite honestly, if I DID, I don't think really He would be worth worshipping. The "bigness," the splendor, the unknown...the mystery...is beautiful. It's what makes us live in awe; in praise; in the fear of the Lord.

I want to live with open hands. "Here, Lord. Here I am! Here's all of me." There's nothing to me outside of Christ. All that I am comes from Him and is real and beautiful and true only IN Him. I've been listening to this song that Hannah gave me (don't know who it's by) and there's a line in it that says "All of life's secrets are in your branches." I like that. I think I'm quietly admiring the secrets of the Lord right now.

My heart is aching for a world "far away" from here...but it is almost equally aching for a world that is "here." Sigh. I CANNOT explain this. I guess I feel a mix of sadness and joy--like I want to cry but also want to shout praises. I think I'm just overwhelmed by God...and it makes me sad because it awakens my longing to be with Him where He is; and it makes me joyful because it is HIM. I have set my heart on pilgrimage (Psalm 84).

The Puritans used to pray for the gift of tears. Lacy told me earlier that sometimes she just prays and asks God to let her cry because that's the best way to release emotion. Hmm.

Love to you all.
Are you enjoying God? I hope so. He's delightfully worth all your pleasure. I pray He overwhelms you.

The trouble with shoes is they come untied

The trouble with poets is they talk too much
They tell us it hurts them a little more
And we cannot tell if they make this up
We've never stood in their shoes, in skins, in their heads, on their shores

The trouble with you is you drive me nuts
I cannot tell what's behind your smile
What can we find just to lift us up
Just for tonight, for a time, for the sake us of all for awhile

I know it's only trouble
I know it makes us real
I wish that peace of mind was something I could steal

The trouble with shoes is they come untied
You might take a fall down the stairs
And a poet might come along and say, "Ain't that just like life"
I think the trouble with poets is they see poetry everywhere

I know it's only trouble
I know it makes us real
But I could use just a month or two or ten to heal

The trouble with time is it don't go back
Or maybe that trouble is with you and me
We are so scared of that fade to black
That we'll push and we'll pull and we'll do anything to be free

I know, I push, I struggle
I know it's just the deal
I know it's only trouble
Oh, I know it's what makes us real
But I know sometimes, nobody knows
Nobody knows
Not even poets know
How I feel

The trouble with poets is they talk too much
(Peter Mulvey)

uuuum

4th cup of coffee today (granted, not BIG ones). and reading Jane Eyre. AND hannah just landed in chicago. WOOT!

Agh. Too Sleepy

I've been so tired lately and i have NO idea why. I slept through my alarm yesterday AND today. arg. No good! I missed my 8 o'clock yesterday morning. What's up?? I have been starting to think it might have something to do with Lacy being ridiculously sick and so my body is trying to fight it off. Sounds reasonable. But it's frustrating! I have lots to do, including a unit exam to study for tomorrow. And 200 plus pages to read in Jane Eyre. bah. I had coffee already today but I think I might go up and make myself another cup. sigh. any theories, hannah? what's wrong with me!! I haven't even been staying up late. at all!
I'm trying to stay on top of things and even get ahead because hannah wll be here this weekend. WOOHOO! finally hannah meets Chicago :)
Alright. I have got to get some caffeine in me. oh man...

Derek Webb and Sandra McCracken have a baby!

A BOY! cute.

aw, man.

they also have a new album coming out that they did TOGETHER. See the website and listen:
http://ampersandep.com/

it sounds amazing.

V-day in pictures

I'm off to bed...
we have another engagement on the floor. Beth and Jason.
Jordan put on a fabulous v-day party for the floor--complete with Frank lulling us in the background. She baked so many good things.
The v-day card exchange was fun. I got Brittney's brilliant man-card. The front: "Duty" with a man in uniform. haha. The back: "My country is my duty. You are my pleasure." I love it. It's amazing.

I think that's all i have to say. I decided its now time to start taking some pictures and introducing you all to some of the new but amazing faces on the floor. I am excited more and more each day as I get to know the girls better. God's gift of community is always a mystery and a blessing.

I am so tired. It feels like today was friday. bleh. that means I need to wake up tomorrow and live it all over again...real friday. Lord, give me strength!!

Singleness Awareness Day

Dr. De Rosset informed class that today is the national day for the birds to mate in...i think it was, ireland? something like that. the point was, she had everyone who is married in class (just 3) raise their hands. Haha. She then announced that they can follow in the way of the birds, the others cannot. I laughed. She's amazing.

Also, there are signs posted around campus "Singleness Awareness Day" with a question, i forget what it was, i think something like "Do you feel single?" I laughed again.

Valentines Day seriously does make me laugh. I am, however, wearing socks with hearts on them (though the rest of my ensemble is definitely earthy, not pinky).

Happy Valentines Day to all...or singleness awareness day...or bird-mating day.

P.S. The joy of living in a girls dorm means lingerie (reds, pinks, blacks) strung up down the hall. We all contributed. Female bonding, if you will. I enjoy these girls :) They're amazing.

Alright. Off to class...i have a quiz to study for while I walk. oops.

my parents: the beverly hillbillies

On their way to oklahoma to finish the cabin! Check out the load!

Pray for Chad

Civil war? War with Sudan?...

pray for the Spirit's presence in Chad, guiding leaders in truth and good decisions. pray against the eveil and oppression that have bound that part of the world for so long. Lift up the thousands of refugees fleeing the country, into Cameroon or other neighboring countries. He's the father to the fatherless, hope to the hopeless, comfort to the discouraged, strength to the weak. Pray for a tangible presence felt among the refugees--as if His own Spirit were travelling the roads with them. Pray that the Spirit would whisper truth to the president--conviction. Pray that rebel leaders would encounter God--dreams, visions, interaction with people (divine appointments). Pray that the Spirit would move in China--making leaders uncomfortable and unwilling to further aid any rebel factions. God is so much bigger than we are. His ways are not our ways. I forgot this yesterday and it made for A LOT of discouragement, fear, and frustration. He reminded me... He is far above us. He's bigger than this world and it's brokenness. He sees it all. He is actively involved to bring this world back to Shalom: peace. The world as it was intended. One day we will experience the kingdom come fully down. We eagerly await the day! In the meantime, we fight the forces of evil and darkness. We get on our knees. God is bigger than wars... We have to trust that He is so much bigger. Hope.

The Night is Long

I'm doing a paper for my Lit. class on the works of Elie Wiesel. I'm reading his Night trilogy (yeah, i didn't know it was a trilogy, either). We have to read/write on something that reflects the theme of the class: violence and grace. Dr. De Rosset told me that it is really hard to find the grace in Night. So I did some research and found out he wrote two others: Dawn and Day. Interesting titles, eh? I thought so. Anyway, the project keeps getting a little longer but I am very interested in the subject matter. I finished Night. It was my second read. It affected me a lot more this time through. A lot.

The main reason behind reading Night was stuff that i experienced in Africa. Obviously I didn't experience the suffering but I saw kids that had. There was such a deadness in their eyes. I distinctly remember two little brothers (not older than 6 and 8) that hung around. I didn't see them smile once. Holding them, playing, talking...never any emotion. Just stone. Sometimes I feel haunted by their faces: hollow eyes that didn't want to hope anymore. Spirits that were tired of believing in a better future. I remember two sisters: 12 and 14, i think. They lived alone. The older raising the younger. The big sister had seen too much of life. She hated it. She had resigned...tattered faith. The little one still had spunk, still believed in something...was at least trying to. They had each other, that was it.

When I read night I cry because I can see their faces. Wiesel writes of corpses...shadows...dried-up children. I see their faces and I want to scream. Then I read of 70,000 child soldiers in Burma and my skin crawls. A boy in Kenya who found his mother chopped up by a machette. Little corpses. Hollow eyes. The death of faith. Lost hope.

Sometimes its all I can do to keep myself from screaming...and then getting on a plane to go. "What the hell am I doing here?"

There is something that happens when a child experiences such tremendous suffering. There is a loss of innocence. Can it ever be regained? Can it be restored?








I continue to hold onto Lamentations 3:19-25. I don't have any easy answers. Actually, I have a lot more questions. I'm learning not to as "IF God is good, why is this happening?" but rather "BECAUSE God is good, why is this happening." God is teaching me things deep down in my soul. In my impatience I want to know the full of it NOW. He doesn't work that way. And, for whatever reason, He wants me over here right now.

Something happened today. I had to put my South African rand bill in the offering plate at Church. This is where God wants me right now. Investing in school (preparing, training, learning, challenging myself and others, loving...) and in Church (we're moving to Logan Square, one of the roughest parts of Chicago. This is where God is putting is. What's my part in it?). I've been carrying that rand bill around with me since I got back. Always in my wallet. It was somehow a security or a comfort. As long as I had it I knew I could go back...or that I would go back. I had to let it go.

God needs me to be here for this time. I still don't really know what all it entails. I know a little bit. He reveals it as we go along. Faith shows itself best when we are walking in it, not sitting in it. Faith is active. I am learning this...its kinda hard sometimes.

The accountant will be weirded out when he finds African money with all the rest. Somehow I know that God will take me back there. He isn't saying give up your dream or desire to return--but give it to ME. I have to trust that He'll get me overseas. He will. He told me that before I left Africa. But He reminded me of it today...strong. I needed to be reminded. It puts my heart at rest.

I'm in Chicago. I love my Church. I want to get more involved. I don't know how yet. I want to pray more. I want to pray for the world--so that I don't forget about it.

I start tutoring next week. Mariah and I are tutoring a 31 yr. old Burmese woman. We had orientation the other day with World Relief to learn about the process of becoming a refugee, etc. BEFORE 9/11 the U.S. was taking in approx. 70,00-120,000 refugees annualy. This was ONLY 1% of all the refugees that apply for entrance into an asylum country. 1%. Think about that.
I am so super excited to do this tutoring. I don't think I can even BEGIN to express it. This tutoring with World Relief is going to change my life, I can tell. I am blessed for the opportunity. AND, i'll be here this summer so I will get to keep it going all year long!

You know, there is a huge importance in staying here and preparing myself for a life overseas. It isn't even about the "classroom learning," its about everything else: building a good relationship with a Church and getting INVOLVED in a local Church; this tutoring program; living with a global perspective right here in Chicago (so many opportunities!); learning to let go of the American dream/desire for a "perfect home." God's got a lot of work to do to get me ready--more than I even know, I think. So...even though it is HARD, I can say that it is good. I really can. Not through gritted teath! YOU GUYS! God is SO good. Aren't you simply astounded? Ah. I can't even believe it. His very Son, in all His power, takes over our lives...His Spirit dwells within us. What power. What glory. We die to ourselves....gladly! :)

Man oh man. This is long. Just had a lot to get out, I guess. I've sort of been a hermit for the past few days. It's been a bit of a rough week. Still trying to work through thoughts, feelings, emotions.

I'm reading Henri Nouwen's book "The Wounded Healer." It's incredible. It's one of those books that, read at JUST the right time, speaks right to your soul. I decided I wanted to go to church early today--to read at Starbucks before-hand and then go early to meet people and move out of my comfort zone. I read at a corner startbucks somewhere in Chicago (i'm still bad with directions)...i found it! It's right near church. When I left, a toothless homeless man smiled and said "have a nice day. Thank you for coming." I said "Thank you, you to and you're welcome" and then kicked myself for saying "you're welcome" because it made absolutely no sense.

It's only 8:15 but I think I might go to bed. Hm. sounds nice. This is going to be a nice week. No classes after tomorrow, only lectures everyday. No homework really...

I don't really know what to end with. I feel like I have written on so many different things in this post. Wow. I guess I do have something to say. I have been so burdened by the need to be affected. It's something we need to fight for because we grow so desensitized. My challenge is this: adopt a country. Do it for at least a month, longer if you want. Study a little of its history...read current events...pray...I've found that BBC is a great site for this. Then, once you've prayed for a month--you can choose a new one.

"Break our hearts for the things that break Yours."

For those of you thinking about doing a DTS...hint, hint...

This DTS, a "Compassion DTS," will be run by a couple that we met and worked with in South Africa. It's a neat project they have going...new, but exploding! We worked a little with them during out first few weeks of outreach. So much need. Here's the link :)

Engaging in Conversation

Had to read a chapter called Conversing about Faith and Media in America for Mass Comm. It was really interesting. Went along with lots of thoughts I've been having of late. Had to write a response...


This is a fascinating chapter. Much of what Schultze discusses has
also been on my mind as of late. He brings concerns, ideas,
propositions, and observations in a fresh, well-crafted way. I greatly
appreciate his concerns for the interaction between faith and media in
America, and his ideas for improvement and growth. I will mention just
a few of his points that especially pulled at my heart and challenged
my thinking.
The first was his identification of the early American idea of being
the "city on a hill." He writes that the city on a hill is now under
construction. This is an interesting way of describing "current
conditions." I agree that there was indeed an early desire to be that
city on a hill. The early founders, reformers, leaders,
revolutionaries wanted to see America, built on strong faith and
morals, shine as an example to the world. But I have found myself
asking "Is America still that nation—still Christian?" The only answer
I get—from observing, thinking, studying, and listening—is "no."
Perhaps, at one time, America was the city on a hill under
construction. I believe it was. But I think that now it has become one
of those abandoned construction sites that is overgrown and forgotten.
I believe America is fast going the way of Europe—"beyond" the Gospel.
It is as if America whispers "been there, done that" and moves slowly
on. It is tragic. Faith seems to be divorced from daily life and made
shallow amidst a needy world.
I believe American's still long for the kind of faith that
characterizes a "city on a hill" sort of community. There is something
within the human heart that hungers for intimacy. I believe current
"Church-trends" show that my generation is not interested in the
mega-church. There is a hunger for the house Church—for genuine,
honest, real fellowship. If the Church, the local "tribe," jumped on
this yearning, I believe we could see great conversion. We just need
to jump into the conversation. We need to be creative thinkers and
ready engagers. America is hungry for something new but we as the
Church seem to be slow in seeing it, and even slower in responding to
it. All the many "new" forms of mass communication are not really new.
The excitement lasts for a little while but then everyone asks "what
next?"
With all the new technology we are implementing we are not "solving"
the issue of the longing soul and the empty heart (not that new forms
of information and technology are "bad" in and of themselves). I
believe American's are, in large part, "losing" a strong, bold faith
because we have too much going into our minds and too little coming
out. We are over-stimulated—to the point of paralysis.
The Church in America needs to wake up, take a deep breath, and start
doing something. The problem is (though it really shouldn't be a
problem), the Church is bombarded with information about a sinful,
hurting world (genocide, murder, soaring drug use, human-trafficking,
AIDS, abortion) and so it is paralyzed. I am starting to think there
is such a thing as being "over-aware." I think America will have to
face this problem in the coming years. The Church has a responsibility
to the world—to be the city on a hill. Therefore, the Church must know
her world, and know it well. I think we "know" our world (we think we
do) but really, we do not. We know a little about a lot of things but
we do not know a lot about a few things. If we did, we would be moved
to action. Only when we are affected deeply will we be most effective.
I think the Church needs to wield information well…we have a lot to
learn.

Pray for the Nations

Lots is happening in Burma right now...the government is basically wiping out any form of Democracy across the country. Crimes against humanity are many and terrible...lots of refugees.
I will be tutoring a young Burmese woman who has come to the U.S. very recently. I am so excited about it. Pray for Burma with me! Pray, also, for the tutoring...that God would help Mariah and I form an encouraging friendship with this woman. We are SO excited about it!!! :)

Human Rights watch estimates 70,000 child soldiers in Burma. Incredible.

Lord, may they NOT be just numbers to us. Affect us so we might be most effective for you here.

Also, many of you know of my increasing burden for Cambodia. I don't know why, where, or how this started. I have been heavily burdened by the extent of human-traffiking worldwide. There are many in Cambodia that are affected. For some reason or another, God has been bringing Cambodia up A LOT. It's sort of weird. But cool. I was mentioning this to a friend the other day and then read a chapter in a book last night about the AIDS pandemic. The "case study" story was about a young girl in Cambodia...I told this to another friend this morning up in the coffee shop, only to look behind her a few minutes later to see something on the news headlines about the Cambodian prime minister. God is trying to get my attention and I'm not sure what it really means. All I know for now is that He wants me to pray...and encourage others to pray. I challenge us to research, educate ourselves, pray with knowledge and directed passion.

Lovers Less Wild...do not satisfy

I find myself in a season of life unlike any other. Never, before now, have I been so constantly overwhelmed by the reality that this world is not my home. I was not created for this. The soul cravings I feel surging deep inside are real and they speak truth: my heart longs for its Creator. I am restless, incomplete, until I find myself wholly with Him. In the meantime, I live with a definite haunting and hunger. Sometimes the ache is so real and so deep that I feel I might break under the weight of it. The unsettled feelings I have are a response to the fact that I am wandering—searching for home. Where will I finally find my soul’s complete satisfaction? A few months ago I labeled these feelings satisfied longing. Recognizing the joy of being “found” in Christ, I am satisfied. Yet, there is still a longing. It is a deep desire to know more of Him, see more of Him, and experience more of Him. My heart was made for Him and so I am not content but when I am discovering Him. The more I discover of Him, the less I am satisfied with the “lovers” of this world; and so I strive to uncover His deep mysteries! This is my satisfied longing.

I miss him

I've been ok

and then tonight happened and my heart just hurts.

Snow

It is snowing. BIG FLUFFY flakes. Absolutely beautiful. I love it.

It is nice, however, to be in my warm room and look at the snowflakes falling OUTSIDE my window :) Quite cold out there, I'm warning you.

My cold is a little better, despite the cold weather! Mostly a very runny nose but no sore throat thank God!

I am going to Hillsdale this weekend to catch up with the crew! I can't WAIT! Ack. It is official and final...unless something dreadful occurs. I don't think so :)

yay!

Man. you really white, girl....I'm black.

It's true, a guy told me this today when I was walking to walgreens. And yes, its true I AM really white. Haha. It made me laugh quite a lot. It happened while we were walking passed each other so all i had time to do was smile and laugh. haha. oh man. It was quite the interaction. loved it.

Love the Lake

I went for a walk down by the lake yesterday. It was wonderful. I forgot how much I love it down there. It always helps put things in perspective—reminds me God is so much bigger than me.
I feel exhausted. I don’t know what’s up. When I was alone down by the lake yesterday it felt really good to be alone and quiet. Maybe I’m really tired because I have had little time to myself over the past few months—lots of time with friends and family (which was GOOD) but no concentrated time alone. Such things wear on us introverts ☺
Last night I was so stinkin tired! I crawled into bed around 9, which is really only 8 to my body. I couldn’t sleep. Don’t you hate that “so tired you can barely think” feeling and yet, your mind and heart won’t turn off so you can sleep!! Grr. I was fitful for a long time and last I looked at the clock was 1...Bleh. I still feel really tired. I’ll probably take a good long nap so I am fairly rested before I jump into a new semester tomorrow.

Yesterday I went to CPO to get my mail/meal-cards, etc. only to find that my box now belongs to someone new. Weird! I still have the key. Haha. But it definitely belongs to a boy that is not me. It was a little sad. I liked my box…but I guess I’ll just be getting a new one. Bummer for all the people who have my old address. Surprise for mystery boy who will now be receiving mail for “Andrea Childs.”

This morning I listened to a Piper sermon entitled “Prayer Changes People’s Wills.” It was fantastic. So good. If you get a chance, I highly suggest it ☺

I’m looking forward to getting back into a bit of a routine. I am also looking forward to starting new things—getting on with some new adventures and braving a bit of this “unknown” that’s so up in front of me.

When I was in South Africa, God gave me Psalm 143:8, 10 as a new verse for the new season of my life I was about to find myself in. I read it again a month ago and then again yesterday. New season. Hmm. Sometimes new seasons are hard….especially if your heart is bound up in an “older” season. But you know what’s cool? God walks us through each new season….and all of them TOGETHER form this crazy cool adventure we call life. Life is a good gift. So, even though my heart is full of broken-longing and some weird but good feelings, I am eager for what is ahead. I want to embrace the new season because I know it is full of good things from the Lord. Attitudes matter. I pray the Spirit to blow on my will and change me to be more like Him.

Psalm 143:8, 10

“Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you…Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing.”

Dance, I tell you! Dance :)

All creation moves in a cosmic danse
Before the Lord her King;
and the rythms, the reason, the rhyme
of the danse pulses within everything.
And the universe wheels and whirls like
a dervish in perfect seven-step time
The Lord made the Danse,
He taught her the steps, and He causes the songs to shine.

We must danse, danse, danse
danse in God's honor.
We must yield all our steps unto the King.
We must danse, danse, danse
danse in God's honor.
Let His praises ring throughout the earth

Adam and Eve dansed in Eden's environs
Early in earth's morning air
They named all the animals musical names
Glorious potentiality shared.
But Lucifer sang out a serpentine song
And offered death's danse as a token.
And pausing to listen Adam missed his step;
Earth's harmony in the danse broken.

We must danse, danse, danse
danse in God's honor.
We must yield all our steps unto the King.
We must danse, danse, danse
danse in God's honor.
Let his praises ring throughout the earth.

Jesus dansed into the world
Singing His heavenly song.
He taught the Danse to those who would
listen and learn as He moved along.
But the steps of His Danse led to a cross
where He died while the haters mocked on.
But He Dansed through death's arms
and over Hell's gate and in three days
dansed forth from His tomb

We must danse, danse, danse
danse in God's honor.
We must yield all our steps unto the King.
We must danse, danse, danse
danse in God's honor.
Let His praises ring throughout the earth (x2)

(Caedmon's Call)
I just love this song. It's so beautiful. Sometimes I really feel like the world is dancing...
I like how Romans says nature is groaning...and then I look out and see it moving, clapping, swaying...dancing :) We were made for something more. Can't you just feel it inside of you? Such a craving for eternity. Sometimes its more than I think I can handle :) and all I want to do is dance!

DONE

I am officially finished with my independent study Old Testament class. Yes, it was stressful. True, it wasn't the ideal time to tackle it...HOWEVER, I now have a semester's worth of class out of the way! Yessss. AND, i learned a lot. I enjoyed it, even though it was stressing me out. Reading the Prophets was fascinating. loved it.

And I start class in...hmm...4 DAYS! whoa. that's weird. Can't believe I'll be back at Moody on Saturday, settling in and seeing everyone. I am very excited :)

Hills Like White Elephants...Not.

Weirdest thing happened. I was sitting at our dining room table this morning eating breakfast...Kix, to be exact. And I looked out of our back sliding door and there, wallowing up the hill out back, was a big, white elephant. It was huge and really white and moving slow. Someone was in front of it walking--so it looked like it was being led. My heart jumped. Really, it did. It took about two seconds for me to realize that it was, in fact, a big white cement mixer on the back of a truck, moving to lay the foundation of some new house they're building. Bummer. For a split second I really thought it was an elephant. Wish it was.

This morning Luke left. He woke me up early to give me a goodbye hug. Sad. I miss him already.

P.S. I had a really weird and frightening dream last night that has put me in a funk today. bleh.

Lesson Learned

If the word "Grande" is in the title, don't order it...it's HUGE!

We went to On the Border tonight as a fam...to celebrate togetherness as well dad's 55th bday. It was fun. However, I ordered the "grande taco salad" thinking nothing of it (I don't know why...). It was ridiculous. Easily could have fed 4 people.

This wasn't the first time I've noticed how big portions are. Granted, I DID order something with "grande" in the title (though there was no other option for this particular salad). Still...have you noticed how portion sizes are getting bigger? They really are too huge. There is so much food waste. Either people eat it all (which probably isn't healthy anyway) or (and this is probably more likely) they don't eat it all and don't take it home...so it gets trashed. a huge waste. It makes me feel weird.

Think about college cafeterias. SO MUCH food waste. eh. I don't like it. I want to think creatively about ways to avoid and/or cut down on it. For starters, it makes a whole lot of sense to me to SPLIT meals when eating out. I remember Jay and Kristen saying that they almost always split when they went out--and were filled. It saves on cost AND on food waste.

So...a challenge to us all, I guess! :) Let's try not to waste so much food. Maybe we can split more often...? At least take leftovers home and eat them again! Also...if you are going to On the Border, the grande taco salad is SO good, you just might want to split it with someone. Or several someones :)

Muombe Mungu...pray to God (swahili)

"Thirsty for blood, asking for more; nations consumed, just cant get enough. Hatred increasing at sightings of blood; children continue to see things too crazy

Sorrow has made all these young ones a victim; evil became just another new dream. Mommy is crying because daddy is dying. What kind of pain is too painful to feel?

Sleep child, dream child; morning begins at the end of the dark.

I can hear the cries, the cries of the African child. I can feel the pain, the pain of the African mother. All her hopes are centered on sights from her visions and dreams. All of her songs are sung in the tunes of her pain. She has hopes for a new life, hope for some peace; long-lasting new life, long-lasting peace. African child, lay down to sleep. Mommy will come just to keep you so warm. Don’t be dismayed by the sorrow and pain, strength with be yours at the end of this battle.

Someday, someway, someone will take you so far away. Someday, someway someone will take you so far away…beyond the sky. You will soar…you will soar….you will soar…someday, someway, someone will take you so far away." (Jeremiah Gyang, Nigeria)

Email from Nini!

"Ngiyakutsandza nami sisi wami!!!
Am looking forwad to the second coming of the Childs in Africa. Whooo how wonderfull it will be."

How cute is she?!?! I got a wonderful email from her...and I laughed about this line so I wanted to share it.

Ngiyakutsandza nami sisi wami is "i love you, too, my sister!"

Pro-life?

In the Christian community the phrase is thrown around usually only in reference to abortion. Christians say, “we are pro-life” which to most just means “we are anti-abortion.” But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time…and I’m thinking heavy on it tonight. To be pro-life means so much more than being only anti-abortion (though it most certainly includes it).

To be pro-life is, I believe, to carry the light of life, the hope, redemption in Christ, belief in the quality of life, to all individuals everywhere. Being “pro-life” demands that we fight for life on all fronts. It means that we must consider what our response is to people, institutions, ideas, laws, and beliefs that do not value life. To be pro-life means that we must look to the issues of abortion, adoption, human trafficking, poverty, genocide, murder, and injustice with incredible conviction and fight for the livelihood of those who suffer. We cannot be silent. We must not be silent.

I think being pro-life requires faith, hope, and love. I’m finding more and more that I don’t want to toss this phrase around lightly. I want to believe in it, definitely. I want to be pro-life…but I want to recognize deep within myself that when I say it, I am really believing and fighting for life; that I won’t simply vote “pro-life,” but that I will act “pro-life” and if I really think about it, it will affect every area of my life. It will (or ought) to change everything about the way I think, act, feel, and live in this broken world that is in such desperate need of a Savior.

Being pro-life ought to affect the way I relate to everyone…saint, sinner; poor, rich; educated, uneducated; dirty, clean; religious, non-religious…

Mother Teresa said “the more disfigured the image of God is in that person, the greater will be our faith and devotion in seeking Jesus’ face and lovingly ministering to him.” I think she identifies the difficulty of standing true to the claim of being pro-life: seeking to uphold and redeem the image of Christ in one another. It requires faith. It requires hope. It requires love. It is so hard…It requires grace.

Sometimes I think we go about our days living as if this were it. Actually, I know we do. We struggle to live with eternity in mind. C. S. Lewis once wrote that “You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations — these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit — immortal horrors or everlasting splendors.” For me, this puts a whole new spin on being “pro-life.” Maybe this doesn’t really make sense to anyone else. If not, that’s ok. These are the tired but heartfelt ramblings of a simple girl who, now on the other side of new experiences, finds herself faced with some good but tough thoughts.

There’s a whole lot happening in this world, my friends. Sometimes I shudder to find that I know so little of it. I wish we would fight to know more. I wish we would seek to be deeply affected, that God might use us more effectively in this world. A good friend shared a Tozer quote with me shortly after my return from Africa. It hasn’t been far from my mind since: “It is doubtful that God can use any man greatly until He’s hurt him deeply.” I ask that God would stir His people deeply—break our hearts for the things that break His. I pray that He would make us heart-sick over the injustice in this world. I also pray that He would give His people everywhere a transfusion of HOPE, because I believe that Hope is essential. I believe hope is reality. Too many people have lost sight of reality…we have to help them find it again (or maybe find it for the first time).

Sometimes looking into the face of incredible sin and suffering paralyzes. I say this from personal struggle and experience. I am finding, however, that the first step—indeed, the decisive step—is prayer. It is much more powerful than we really seem to think. We must stay awake in a world where many are numb and asleep. We must keep each other awake! What is the hope we affirm? We must build our lives on it!

Many of you have heard me say or write this before but it just gets to me…so I have to say it again. I think its one of those things that, as I say it “out there,” I say it to myself… and I have to: over and over again.

The Church is dripping with grace in a world that hurts and hungers for it. So how then will we live?

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

I miss it! I miss it. I miss it. i MISS it!

I have that weird, empty, hollow feeling inside. It's the same brokenness and sense of loss I felt when my plane took off on the Joberg runway.

it's funny how i can have such a peaceful day and all of a sudden WHAM. I just miss it. And I feel like part of me is missing. And it hurts. Sigh...

I hate headaches

what the heck is going on!!!?

Several Years Too Late

It's is official. I am about to start the Harry Potter series. I bought books one and two at Bookman's for $3 each. Good deal. I figured it was about time...even though I am already a million years later than everyone else. The "craze" is sort of over, and yet I begin :) I'm looking forward to an easy, fun read. I'll let you know...

Merry Christmas, all! Check out Luke 1:78, 79. It's my "favorite" verse for right now...

Feeling like I tripped and fell down the mountain...I can explain more in person if you want to hear...

This song "means" more to me right now than ever before...or, rather, it makes more sense to me now...

Bebo's "Walk Down This Mountain." It's a fabulous song.

It's a better place
Standing high upon this mountain
I've seen your face
Full of the light that only this height can show
A blistered hand is what you've given
But you've been given all you'll ever need to know

So walk down this mountain
With your heart held high
Follow in the footsteps of your make
With this love that's gone before you
And these people at your side
If you offer up your broken cup
You will taste the meaning of this life

It's a common ground
And I see we're all still standing
Just look around and you'll find
The very face of God
He's walking down into the distance
He's walking down to where the masses are

We're standing in a place of peace
But this is how the world should be
How the world should be
(Walk down this mountain with your heart held high)
How the world should be
(Walk down this mountain with you heart held high)
How the world should be
(Walk down this mountain with your heart held high)
How the world should be

He is not safe

"So often we try to make it our job to make the Gospel easier for us to preach and easier for other people to hear--in order to not get into trouble and in order to not be confrontational. But here's the truth. You just can't preach the Gospel and not get into trouble. You just can't do it, hard as you might try. You can dress it up any way you want. But if you're really preaching the Gospel you are going to get yourself into trouble, you are going to be in trouble as well. Because the cross is both beautiful and offensive and it must be both. It is both. There is no other Gospel for you to preach...It's not safe to boldly preach the Gospel. it is dangerous work we are in as believers, perilous work that we have before us to preach the gospel not only to each other but to the outside world, the unbelieving world. Not safe work. Safe is not a word that I would believe characterizes Christians or Jesus or the Gospel. It shouldn't. If it is then it might not be the Gospel we are preaching. Jesus is not safe. He is not manageable. He is a wild lion. You cannot tame Him. He is not safe. But He is good. He is king. You can trust Him. the Gospel that we carry is not safe. It is not manageable, not efficient. Loving people is not efficient. But the Gospel is good, it is true, but it is not safe."

We are called into community together. If you divorce the people of God, if you divorce local community from the Gospel, then it ceases to be the Gospel. There is no other context for your faith as a christian than to be in community with other people. I've heard a lot of people say to me over the years "Its just me and Jesus and that's all i need." Well that's not the Gospel in Scripture. If you are going to be those who claim to love Jesus, you will be compelled to love also the things that he loved. And he not only loved, but came and gave himself up for the church, and that makes it our concern as well. And if that's not hard enough--that we live in community together--we are also called with a mandate that we preach the Gospel to each other. We mistake the Gospel for the thing only that we preach to non believers. It certainly is that, but much more than that, the Gospel must have, necessarily has, a primary place in the life of believers. We've got to heard it every week, if not every day.

-Derek Webb

My uncle told me something today that he heard somewhere recently...

"a good journalist comforts the afflicted and afflicts the comfortable."

i kinda like that. hmmm.

Pushing Aside Angels

I stepped out of the beat up old Venture and put my feet onto the dusty red road. This was it. I felt excited deep inside but feelings of nervous fear were all that seemed to surface. What will today bring, Lord? I thought. What will I see? Walk with me through it all.
I was about to go out to do home-based care in Masoyi Community (South Africa) with one of the volunteers, Sandy. Her role was to visit the sick and dying with the hope of the Lord in her pocket and the weapons of prayer and encouragement in both hands. I followed her down the dirt road, leaving a trail of red dust hanging in the air behind me.
We wandered the dry paths up and over hills, behind decaying mud houses, between make-shift fences, until we rounded a corner and found ourselves in an immaculate front yard--the dirt packed and swept in front of a small house. At the open door, I saw a young woman on hands and knees, working. (I later found out she was waxing the cement floor of her small living room).
I met her. I met Gladys. I held her thin, boney little hand in mine. She was skinny as a rail and had lost all her hair. She was beautiful. She smiled constantly, a deep hope radiating from her face. I was reminded of Psalm 34:5: "Those who look to Him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces."
Gladys motioned for us to sit on her couch while she sat across from us in a chair. Before arriving, Sandy had told me that this young, single mom has AIDS. She had been very sick the week before and Gladys was not expected to live much longer. Sandy expected Gladys to be very sick, possibly in bed. To the surprise of both of us, she was not. She had green hands from her meticulous work of waxing the floor.
Sandy shared a few verses that seemed to be common between them. To be honest, I do not remember what they were. I was too deeply inthralled by the beauty of this small, decaying young woman. Her face was full of light. "Is she supposed to be so happy?" I thought. It was a breath of fresh air in a land of "hopeless conditions." She was holding onto something; living for something.
It is a common practice with Sandy to sing with her patients. Sometimes she lets the patient choose, other times she chooses. On this particular day we sang "Gladys' song." It was one of those rare moments you encounter when you whisper the promise "I will never forget today" and you know immediately that everything about the moment is burned in your mind and heart forever. The soft notes were started by Sandy but I heard them coming out strong from Gladys. Simple words with a rich store of meaning for her: "I will never give up." Throughout the song the words are repeated over and over.
Gladys sang. It was obvious she was singing for someone. I wish I could have seen who it was, though I knew beyond a doubt who it was. It was as if she saw Him seated before her. Her frail yet rich voice was raised and her arms outstretched. It looked as if she knew He was calling her home and she was anxious to meet him, arms open.
"How can we pray for you, Gladys?" Sandy asked. Her reply startled me: "I'm happy to be living!" That's it? I thought. Nothing more? That wasn't even a request! Her face was full of light. I could see a little fear in her eyes but it had not gotten the better of her. She was holding onto hope. There was no denial; she knew she was dying. She also knew that there is hope for eternity. The hope we have for eternity is just as much a hope for every day we are living here on earth.

* * * * * * * * * *

I wrote these words in my journal that night:
September 17, 2007
We must anchor our lives on the hope we have in Christ. Future grace. Joy in our ultimate sanctification--our glorification; the new heavens and the new earth; new bodies, new selves. Hope is in the resurrection of Christ--and hope is in His return! Where there is vision there is hope; where there is hope there is life.
There is joy in the midst of suffering. It is rich. It is, perhaps, the "truest" experience of joy: real, full joy. A smile through tears...a hug through pain...a new day to live...the enjoyment of little pleasures: a sunrise, birds singing, little children playing...
Life is a good gift. Today I was actually able to see this to be true for a beautiful young woman infected with HIV. How can this be? By the grace of God...because of hope and because He is the source of all joy--even in the midst of great suffering.
"Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: the faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in Him!' the Lord is good to those who depend on Him, to those who search for Him."
-Lamentations 3:21-25
These verses are very "real" to me tonight, as I remember Gladys, sitting in her chair, gaunt and thin yet illuminated by her striking smile, arms outstretched, singing quietly and confidently "I will never give up."

* * * * * * * * * *

Walking through those neighborhoods was incredible. As we kicked up red dirt, making our way through alleys, around small gardens, and under mango trees, angels were around. I don't know if I've sensed their presence so much in all my life. It was as if we had to push our way through them to get by. "Excuse me, pardon me." All the while, I walked with a big smile on my face because I knew God had not forgotten these people. Psalm 121 says that He who watches over us does not sleep. In that place, in the Masoyi Community of South Africa, God is not sleeping. He is sending His Spirit out into the neighborhoods and into homes to whisper to His hurting children, "Never never never give up."


(below: Masoyi Community, South Africa)

Death Penalty Bust

New Jersey abolished the death penalty. The first state to do so in over 40 years.

Interesante...

Big Smile

I love my friends. I feel like I am constantly, every day, in awe of the people God has placed in my life. I am so blessed! It is really neat, too, because I feel like this break is different than all the other ones...there's something about it that is sort of a quiet sweetness. It's hard to explain. I will try...
I think it is, in large part, due to the fact that we are older now. We've grown up a lot in recent months. God has brought each of us through unique experiences to grow and mature us. Through it all, we have maintained our friendship(s). I feel like this is it. We've passed some "test" and now we have reached a new level in our friendship. Does this make sense? I feel like it sounds mixed up and silly. I guess what i mean is that we really are friends for life (cheesy, maybe, but true). Maybe we won't always be AS close or in as close of contact, but are hearts are knit in a way that won't ever really be undone. God has joined us deeply together. I am grateful.
They say you meet your "life friends" in college. I believe it. In the case of tonight's group, I am especially excited (blessed? grateful?) because we are high school friends that have maintained friendship through college. I think its something special. It is a unique bond.
Tonight was the same dear friends I spent my last birthday with...and we even ended up at the same place! Oregano's (Me, Allie, Hannah, Mark, Kyle, Isaac, Eric). We went over to Eric's for a while after. It was so wonderful. I am honored to call each of these people FRIEND.

I can't even slightly express my love for each of you. I just have a big smile :)

Sleep?

I have had such a hard time sleeping lately. It takes at least an hour for me to finally fall asleep. This is so unusual for me. I am finding that my mind is running wild with thoughts, dreams, doubts, longing, memories, questions, etc. Lot's of questions in my heart lately. It's a little hard. Mostly just frustrating. I find myself praying simple prayers often like "help me calm my mind," "help me make sense of this," or just "help!"

For the past two days the truths that I am finding the need to CLING to are found in Psalms. Chapter 18 has been a challenge and comfort. Also, Psalm 131 daily challenges me to pick myself up, entrust my weak self to the One who is strong and true, and not ask too many questions that are so "high above" me or trouble myself with thoughts "too lofty" for me...because I tend to put myself in a paralized state simply because I am bombarding myself with so many "hard issues." So much so that I can't very easily distinguish between them in a way that promotes healthy ACTION.
Does this make sense?

I guess I am just trying to say that I am trying desperately to quiet my heart but am having a hard time of it.

This morning I was feeling like I'm drowning. Splashing around but unable to save myself from anything--or move myself to "higher ground." I've been functioning out of my flesh, not in the Spirit. No wonder I am feeling weak, sick, and exhausted. For a moment, I took my eyes off the One who saves. I need Him. I need Him so badly. I am reminded of Paul's words in Colossians: "set your minds on things above, not on earthly things." Walking around in this stormy, raging, wild world requires a definite FOCUS. Where is your hope? Do you have any? If so, what is it in?

I've learned (and learn daily) that hope is a reality. Hope is (or ought to be) the mark of the Christian. So, I ask you, where is our hope? If we don't live it and understand it, how will we offer it to a world that cries for it?

I was hit by this reality a few months ago while I was in Mozambique: The Church (Christ-followers) is dripping with grace while the world is thirsty for it. HOW THEN WILL WE LIVE?

I'm rediscovering grace. What a gift. Jonathan Edwards once said that the whole of the Gospel is captured in and between the words, "Grace, grace!" Incredible. Really. Grace has changed me eternally and continues to change me daily. It is not simply "over and done." No, no. He loves us too much. It was done once and for all but is done always and forever. He is that deep. He is that rich. His ways are that unsearchable.

And now...I quiet myself :)

Randoms

It's been a good week overall. Not too many "exciting" things happening, just some small, good things. It's been nice to catch up with people. I cherish these long conversations with friends whose hearts I've missed sharing!!

Hannah and I went to 4th Ave. on Sunday. It was so much fun. We each got a red rose from a guy...because we were "matching" (same necklace I gave her). The guy after him wanted to take our picture because of the matching necklaces AND matching red roses. Ha. slightly weird and awkward...we really didn't realize we "stood out." After all, a blonde white girl and a brunette asian don't usually get compared like that.
We enjoyed looked through beautiful skirts from Nepal in a tent full of Hippie smells and colors. I loved it.

I've been having headaches rather frequently. I'm trying not to get a little bit alarmed. Is this normal?? Sometimes it sort of makes me uneasy. I've had them off and on for a long time...I'm officially going to rule out some possibilities by drinking LOTS (make sure its not dehydration), watching my coffee drinking (make sure its not the caffeine), and keeping a watch on some of the foods I eat (mom wants to make sure its not an allergy or low blood sugar). Anyhow, I would appreciate your prayers. I am praying it isn't serious. I won't alarm any of you with thoughts I've had because I tend to have a wild imagination sometimes. So I won't speak :) But I would greatly like prayer.

Luke gets home tonight! We're picking him up at 11:30 and the Sommitz boys are coming with. I'm so excited to see him!!

It's been nice just being home with mom and dad but I look forward to Luker's return. Friends start coming back tonight also...yay!

I turn 21 on Saturday. It's sort of hard to believe. the big 21. ha.

Talked with Hallie today for well over an hour. It was wonderful. Tried to study for OT but couldn't focus on the pages. My headache made me feel like I was going cross-eyed. Oh. which reminds me of another possibility for headaches I need to rule out--I should start being more diligent about wearing my glasses when I read.

Here's my new and improved schedule for next semester...I'm getting quite excited.

Cultural Anthropology
Intro to Disciple-making
Bible Intro.
Intro. to Mass Communication
Christian Missions
and (get this!) Violence and Grace in the Novel (with an uh-mazing prof!! I am SO excited).

17 credits. Lots of work. Lots of writing :) We're reading Cry, The Beloved Country and I can't even begin to explain to you how thrilled that makes me! woohoo.

I went into my high school today to say hello to a teacher/friend who lived for years in Kenya. It was wonderful to see her. We're going to plan a lunch date. I can't wait :)

I think i might go take a nap before we leave for the airport to get Luke. my head hurts so bad.

Derek Webb is back...

...somedays its overwhelming to have my music back. Too many options. Much too much...

But today I am encouraged to be listening to Derek Webb--and understanding it (or seeing it) in a new light.

(Remembering Pastor Peter's words last spring...we must be kingdom workers: with a radical sense and awareness of future judgement)

“This Too Shall Be Made Right” by Derek Webb

people love you most for the things you hate
and hate you for loving the things you can’t keep straight
people judge you on a curve
and tell you you’re getting what you deserve
and this, too, shall be made right

children cannot learn, children cannot eat
stack them like lumber when children cannot sleep
children dream of wishing wells
whose waters quench all the fires of hell
and this, too, shall be made right

the earth and the sky and sea are all holding their breath
wars and abuses have nature groaning with death
we say we’re just trying to stay alive
but it looks so much more like a way to die
and this, too, shall be made right

yes there’s a time for peace, there is a time for war
there’s a time to forgive and a time to settle the score
a time for babies to lose their lives
a time for hunger and genocide
and this, too, shall be made right

oh I don’t know the suffering of people outside my front door
and I join the oppressors of those I choose to ignore
I’m trading comfort for human life
and that’s not just murder, it’s suicide
and this, too, shall be made right

oh this, too, shall be made right

Soul Swelling

In the midst of all "this," I feel the expectation and excitement rising inside. Don't you feel the wonder growing in your soul? It's the Savior...COME.

As I grow older, Christmas is less of a "holiday" and more of an expectation and celebration. I appreciate this. It's because Christ is progressively more and more my true Treasure. I am understanding more and more my NEED for a Savior...and I am discovering more and more my great SAVIOR for that need. It is beautiful.

This is one of my favorite "christmas" verses...such incredible and exciting Messianic expectation. Hear the joy and wonder--the complete PLEASURE and HOPE--in Zechariah's words: "Because of God's tender mercy, the morning light from heaven is about to break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness and in the shadow of death, and to guide us to the path of peace" (Luke 1:78, 79).

Reading these words makes my soul swell. I smile deep, my heart beats a little faster...there is some inexpressible emotion that comes out only in a whisper "He has come!"

Breath of Heaven. A thrill of Hope. Quiet Joy. Sweet wonder. Desire of Nations.

.Soul Swelling.

Seeing Faces

A few things hit me in the face today.

1. Holiday bath confetti. Small green and red christmas trees to sprinkle in your bath water. $3.99.

2. Premium pet beds.

I've been seeing so many faces in my head...

Pray for the Broken Places

So much heartache and uproar in the Congo right now...

a little history

key figure(s)


Sometimes all we can do is get on our knees

Christ is enough.

The sky is grey and the light is far
The sea is a rage within my heart
I turn my sight to the crashing waves
I cry in the night just to be saved

I need eyes to be my guide
I need a voice that’s louder than mine
I need hope I need You
Cause I can’t do this alone

Grace I call Your name
Oh won’t Your smile fall over me
I’m cracked and dry on hands and knees
Oh sweet grace rain down on me I need You grace

I pray for dawn a new day to live
I pray for mercy only Jesus gives
Though darkness falls and a million cry
I believe over all there’s a greater light shining for us

Skype

Email me your skype. I am not going to be getting a new cell phone. I'll have a tracphone for emergencies and "can you pick this up at the store" kind of calls. Otherwise, skype and the room (or home) phone. This will make expenses much less, also, which is fabulous.

I have faith. Faith in the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and even in His creation. Without it no action would be possible. And action is the only remedy to indifeerence, the most insidious danger of all.

--Elie Weisel

What is Consumerism?

...and is it a sin?...

Tanzania (by Alli Rogers)

It's eight hours later in Tanzania
When Jen lays down
Mary's just opening her eyes
Her child's feet land on the ground
And dirt scatters
And she feels left out in the open
Always left out in the open
She says, "son, wear my shoes to school today"
He turns and smiles and walks away
And she thinks to herself...

Someday I will wake
Where the earth is clean and safe
My children have a place to play
Not here in Tanzania
And someday I will live
In a house that's built by
Hands that hold the world

It's eight hours earlier in Chattanooga
Mary sits down and Jen's just put the coffee on
Katie Couric is talking news and fashion
And Jen feels pushed into a corner
Always pushed into a corner, she says
"Baby I know what girls at school are like"
And her daughter rides off on her bike
And Jen thinks to herself...

Someday I will wake
Where my children get a break
And there are chances that they'll take
Not here in Chattanooga
Someday I will live
In a house that's built by
Hands that hold the world

Well it's hard to be mother
And it's hard to be a woman
And it's hard to live in Africa sometimes
It's hard to be mother
And it's hard to be a woman
And it's hard to live in America sometimes

But someday I will wake
In a body that won't break
On ground that doesn't shake, not here
And someday I will live
In a house that's built by hands that hold the world

A Taste of Africa...

ROOIBOS TEA (soooo good...and good for you!!)

Pronounced "roy-boss" and means "red bush" in Afrikaans. Studies have shown this tea is comparable to green tea in the amounts of polyphenols it contains. It shows anti-mutagenic, anti-carcinogenic, anti-inflammatory and anti-viral activity.

Rooibos is totally pure and natural. It contains no colorants or preservatives.

Rooibos helps delay the aging process! The aging of our bodies is caused by toxic compounds called free radicals which are produced as a by-product of normal cell function. These free radicals attack our healthy cells. Over our lifetime this damage contributes to aging and our immune system weakens. Recently, Japanese scientists have found that Rooibos tea contains a mimic of the enzyme Super Oxide Dismutase ( S.O.D.), an antioxidant which attacks the free radicals and limits their damaging effects.

Rooibos helps to relieve stomach ulcers, nausea, constipation, and heartburn.

Rooibos has been found to help with insomnia, disturbed sleeping patterns and headaches. It contains no caffeine and has a relaxing effect on the central nervous system.

Rooibos helps to give you strong bones and teeth because of its calcium, manganese and fluoride content.

Rooibos helps pacify infants with colic, stomach cramps and sleeping problems.

Rooibos contains alpha hydroxy acid and zinc for healthy, smooth skin. This wonder tea is especially useful when applied to skin irritations like itchy skin, eczema, sunburns, diaper rash and acne.

Rooibos contains magnesium which is necessary for a healthy nervous system.

Rooibos increases the absorption of iron in the body.

Rooibos contains potassium and copper minerals that are necessary for several metabolic functions.

Rooibos is often prescribed for nervous tension and mild depression as it makes a relaxing sedative.

Rooibos contains no oxalic acid and can therefore be enjoyed by persons suffering from kidney stones.

Rooibos makes a great thirst-quencher and sport drink. Because of its mineral content of iron, potassium, zinc, manganese and sodium, it restores the body's equilibrium after strenuous exercise.

This has been long in the works...

FINALLY I have started something I have wanted to do for a very long time...a book blog!! I wanted a place where I can just write about books--thoughts, ideas, reviews, etc. So I've done it! Here's the link :) Happy reading!

God is near to the brokenhearted... nearer than the "whole-hearted" will ever know

I will sing for the meek
For those who pray with their very lives for peace
Though they're in chains for a higher call
Their mourning will change into laughter when the nations fall

In spirit poor
In mercy rich
They hunger for Your righteousness
Their hearts refined in the purity
Lord let me shine for them
Lord let me sing
Lord let me shine for them
Lord let me sing
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - -





















DEEPER STILL (David Wilcox)
In the tears you gave to me
I found a river to an ocean
A concrete sky and a stone cold sea
That came to where the emptiness cracked open

And all my fears came crashing through
And met the fire of my sorrow
But I found my strength in forgiving you
I never even dreamed how far my heart could go

To give my life beyond each death
From this deeper well of trust
To know that when there's nothing left
You will always have what you gave to love

In this life, the love you give becomes the only lasting treasure
And what you lose will be what you win
A well that echoes down too deep to measure

A silver coin rings down that well
You could never spend too much, a diamond echoes deeper still
And you'll always have what you gave to love,
You will always have what you gave to love