I have been so distracted lately! Ugh. It's frustrating! My mind is always racing with thoughts and ideas regarding my future...it's so exhausting and is definitely distracting my heart and mind from the duties I face now.
I feel really weak. I have no idea what my life is going to look like in two months. I have no idea where I will be or what I will be doing. I have been trying too hard to figure it all out and find the answers. It's fairly obvious I'm not supposed to know the answers right now. God is asking me to wait and it is really very difficult. I feel very lonely...I miss hillsdale friends so much and I won't be going back to school with them in the fall. weird. I miss Kristen and Jay a ton...but it doesn't look like I'll be able to live with them in Philly--at least not for very long at all. I switch from feeling sad to feeling frustrating to feeling alone to feeling angry. God take this weak heart and make it strong! Man....I just don't know. I have no idea what's going on. I'm definitely in the middle of something. I want to use my time wisely but I really need to work on my attitude and outlook first. I have to claim THIS time NOW. I've gotten so wrapped up in the human, temporal perspective of things. It's killing me! I feel like I am dying inside sometimes because i am not focused on the eternal and lasting. These are just my honest thoughts and feelings. I'm really struggling right now. That's the truth. I know God is near...I ask Him to wake me up because I feel so asleep or drugged or something...like I'm living life in a daze. It's an awful feeling. Part of it is that I have just been so tired lately. I've been working late and getting up early...things always look worse when your tired. And I'm really tired right now.
Please pray that I would turn and focus my energy on the Lord and not on myself and my own worries and insecurities. Also, if I'm here all this semester, please pray that God would open up doors and opportunities here for me to serve Him and be involved. And that He would fill me with the discipline, obedience, energy, and drive to follow Him and pursue Him in everything I do--even the mundane work of each day. Thanks!
P.S. I listened to King and a Kingdom (Derek Webb) and read the lyrics again today. It's a powerful song. Here, read it. And then think about it. I am. There's a lot to think about. And then there's the job of doing. Hmmm. Here you go:
who's your brother, who's your sister
you just walked passed him
i think you missed her
as we're all migrating to the place where our father lives
'cause we married in to a family of immigrants
my first allegiance is not to a flag, a country, or a man
my first allegiance is not to democracy or blood
it's to a king & a kingdom
there are two great lies that i’ve heard:
“the day you eat of the fruit of that tree, you will not surely die”
and that Jesus Christ was a white, middle-class republican
and if you wanna be saved you have to learn to be like Him
but nothing unifies like a common enemy
and we’ve got one, sure as hell
but he may be living in your house
he may be raising up your kids
he may be sleeping with your wife
oh no, he may not look like you think