I Love Rain

I love how clean the air is afterwards...I love that the desert actually looks green because the dust washes off the plants...I love the calming effect of watching the rain fall and run down the windows!...I love the big clouds...I love that it goes form 105 to 85 in a matter of minutes...I LOVE it! I want to take a walk in the rain. Next time I think I will. The only problem is, it usually rains right before work or when I'm at work. So the timing for a walk will be a little tricky.

So. I've been working quite a bit. Every night. I've gotten two paychecks so far: one for $200 and one for $240. My next few should be about $250...or more because they're increasing the length of my shifts. Not bad. I'm pleased for this opportunity to ear some money..even if the environment is not ideal.

I have been in such a contemplative mood for the past few days. It's kinda nice. As I think, there are a few songs that I put on repeat :) Here they are. I recommend listening to them.

I Want You To Be My Love-Over the Rhine
Nashville-David Mead
Indiana-David Mead
Now We Are Free-Gladiator
Deeper Still-David Wilcox
Any David Wilcox (He's good thinking music)

Sigh. What good songs...

My dad got home from Mexico last night. yay! It's good to have him home. He wants to plan a backpacking trip for this fall. Just the two of us. Probably Mt Humphrey or something. We'll see. It would be lots of fun, I just have to see what happens with this crazy life of mine...and if I'm in tucson or philadelphia. Sigh. I don't know HOW I'm going to make this decision. Help.

I'm excited about working at a camp next summer. SO excited. It's going to be such a neat experience. I wonder when I need to work on that application and get it in. Hmmm.

I'm reading The Soul of Politics by Jim Wallis and Anthem by Ayn Rand. I'm farther into The Soul of Politics. I like it a lot. I have been really tired lately, though, and so its hard to focus when I read. I usually fall asleep on the couch. I can't seem to catch up on sleep! I'm sleeping soundly, just not long enough. I'm really sore, too. From lifting all those bags of groceries and cases of water and soda. I'm getting muscle! I'm pleased :)

Hallie comes in FOUR days. I can't believe it. Aaaah. I am SO SO SO excited. AND I have wednesday off so I can pick her up in Phoenix and spend the whole first day with her. WOOHOO!

I think that's all. I need to get out of my PJ's and start my day. Luke and I might play racquetball! :) That and he is also going to teach me how to change the oil in my car. This day is going to be full of new things! haha. I love you guys!

-Andrea

Oh...and pictures of the rain:

Martin Luther King Jr.

"Throw us in jail and we will still love you. Bomb our houses and threaten our children and we will still love you. Beat us and leave us half dead and we will still love you. But be ye assured that we will wear you down by our capacity to suffer. one day we shall so appeal to your heart and conscience that we shall win you in the process, and our victory will be a double victory."
(from "The American Dream")

Lord of Eternity

by Fernando Ortega

"Blessed is the man
Who walks in your favor
Who loves all your words
And hides them like treasure.
In the darkest place
Of his desperate heart,
They are a light
A strong, sure light.

Sometimes I call out your name,
But I cannot find you.
I look for your face,
But you are not there.
By my sorrows, Lord,
Lift me to you,
Lift me up to your side.

(chorus)
Lord of eternity,
Father of mercy,
Look on my fainting soul.
Keeper of all the stars,
Friend of the poorest heart
Touch me and make me whole.

If you are my defender,
Who is against me?
No one can trouble or harm me
If you are my strength
All I ask, all I desire
Is to live in your house all my days."

It Is Well With My Soul

Where can I find strength when I am so weak? Where can I find hope when I feel despair? When I am afraid, where can I find comfort?

Psalm 73:26 "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

I've been thinking about this. What does it mean "God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever?" It isn't too hard to understand what it means for God to be my strength. It's that word "portion" that gets me. So I looked it up...and it sort of has a two-fold meaning. First of all, it means an amount (of food or whatever) suitable for one person. I think this is really neat. God is all of the amount suitable FOR ME (and for everyone). He is, to each child, what he needs--what is suitable for him and satisfies his own unique needs/desires. Secondly, it means ones future or lot. God IS my future. How amazing!

God is my STRENGTH when I am weak...because He is my portion.
God is my HOPE when I feel despair...because He is my future.
God is my COMFORT when I am afraid...because He is my portion now and will be forever, because He is also my future.
Wow.

As I was driving today I put in an old tape. Because my car doesn't have a cd player and won't read the tape converters, I must settle for muffled old tapes that have sat in the 100 degree weather for far too long and are nearly melted. Oh well. So I put in this old tape of hymns. The second song that played was It Is Well With My Soul. It is such a wonderful hymn. I love it. So I got the lyrics out when I got home and had to share them with YOU! Plus, they tie into this whole network of thoughts I have been having. The words of this hymn are the result of an author who read Psalm 73:26 and really truly believed it. God is his strength and God is his portion...forever. That's why it is well with his soul.

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blessed assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

"Where is God taking you, Andrea? What is He doing in your life?"

I am not very often straight out asked this question. However, I thank Allie for doing it. It is incredibly refreshing and causes me to stop and look at my life--the path I'm on and where it is taking me. So much is clouded in mystery. So much is changing...in ways I didn't expect AT ALL a year ago. My "road" has taken so many interesting and "unexpected" turns. It's sort of neat because, after all, this IS an adventure. The mystery adds excitement but also a bit of unease. Where AM I going? Where IS God taking me? Who knows. I have to trust.

I don't think I have ever really felt like this before. It is so hard to explain. This is such a strange time in my life. I struggle a lot with my human emotions. I find myself battling sinful drives of my flesh and taming desires of my weak heart. I have so many longings...and I have looked to the world to fill them. What a waste! They are not satisfied. I guess you could say I am learning how to give Jesus my heart and all my longings. It's so hard sometimes!! It's definitely a process....and perhaps this "unsettled" feeling is just what I need to find complete "settled-ness" in Him.

"Be still and know that He is God"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Disappear (by Bebo)

On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock
A million miles from the world, the noise, the commotion
That never seems to stop

And on a day like this I want to run away from the routine
Run away from the daily grind that can suck the life
Right out of me
I know of only one place I can run to

I want to hide in You
The Way, the Life, the Truth
So I can disappear
And love is all there is to see
Coming out of me
And You become clear
As I disappear

I don't want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies that trick my eyes
They say it's all about me
I'm so tired of it being about me¦

I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
If I don't bring You glory
If I don't bring You glory
If I don't bring You glory

"By this time next year I won't be here..."

I'm looking out the window and listening to Come Downstairs and Say Hello. It's nice.

I feel sad. For one thing, I don't really want to go back into work after the disasters of yesterday. Sigh. Secondly, I got my letter from Moody yesterday and I didn't get in for the fall. They don't have room. So I will go in the spring. It's strange...before I got the letter I was (or so i thought) fine with whatever it might say. But when I got it yesterday I was really sad and disappointed. I really wanted to go and be in school and get settled again. I think it's going to be extremely hard now to watch all my friends go back to school when i'm not--especially when I won't be able to be with them for a new year. It makes me sad. I'm learning to trust the Lord but sometimes its hard. I feel a little frightened and unsettled about what the future looks like--mystery. Please pray for me.

The Wisdom of Ecclesiastes Confronts My Weak Heart

Tomorrow is my first day of work. It's a 5 hour shift--not too bad. However, it is during rush hour and it is also the day before the fourth. This will most likely mean two things: impatient customers on their way home from work and lots of people buying alcohol (which means I'll be carding). Did I already tell you all that I carded two people on Friday? I did. And another of the cashiers in training had to turn someone away for having a fake ID. The lamination was pealing up (that doesn't happen to normal licenses...nice try, buddy). All I have to say is, if youngsters try to get by me because I am donning a beautiful yellow name tag that says "I'm new at Fry's, thank you for your patience" they can think again! Andrea will show no mercy! Haha. Oh man. Sigh.

Today's sermon was really good. It was about Ecclesiastes--and very relevant to me right now. It actually really made me want to do a study on the book. I will share a few verses that especially stood out to me.

Ecclesiastes 3:12,13: "I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live; also that everyone should eat and drink and take pleasure in all his toil--this is God's gift to man"
-Brian talked about how the "drudgery things" of life are gifts from God. As we trust Him and walk in faith, we take pleasure in all He calls us to do on earth.

Ecclesiastes 3:11: "He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, he has put eternity into man's heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end."
-I can't see what is in God's mind and plan...but I can trust Him because He is good and He makes each experience of my life beautiful in its own time.

I've been reading the Great Divorce (by Lewis). It is such a brilliantly written book. It has been a conviction to me--about how I view eternity. Here's a quote I like and have been thinking about quite a lot:

"...yes cannot in your present state understand eternity: when Anodos looked through the door of the Timeless he brought no message back. But ye can get some likeness of it if ye say that both good and evil, when they are full grown, become retrospective. Not only this valley but all their earthly past will have been Heaven to those who are saved. Not only the twilight in that town, but all their life on Earth too, will then be seen by the damned to have been Hell. That is what mortals misunderstand. They say of some temporal suffering, 'No future bliss can make up for it,' not knowing that Heaven, once attained, will work backwards and turn even that agony into a glory....the Blessed will say 'We never lived anywhere except in heaven,' and the Lost, "We were always in Hell.'"

So...the thoughts that I have after hearing and reading all of these things: do everything to the glory of God. Live in, love, and enjoy the little bits of Heaven on earth--Christ in the world. Enjoy Him. Enjoy Him in everything. It's a gift. He makes everything beautiful in its own time.

Sometimes I make life so hard for myself, instead of focusing on loving and enjoying my Savior and all the gifts He gives. Please, Lord, may I be less distracted! Less "easily pleased."

I have been reading bits and pieces of Valley of Vision (a wonderful collection of puritan prayers). The first prayer ("Valley of Vision") is so beautiful. I would like to share it with you:

"Lord, high and holy, meek and lowly, Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see Thee in the heights; hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold Thy glory. Let me learn by paradox that the way down is the way up, that to be low is to be high, that the broken heart is the healed heart, that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit, that the repenting soul is the victorious soul, that to have nothing is to possess all, that to bear the cross is to wear the crown, that to give is to receive, that the valley is the place of vision. Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from deepest wells, and the deeper the wells the brighter Thy stars shine; let me find Thy light in my darkness, Thy life in my death, Thy joy in my sorrow, Thy grace in my sin, Thy riches in my poverty, Thy glory in my valley."

Just Been Thinkin'...

I want to go to an ice hockey game...and then someday I want to play ice hockey--just for fun.

Thank you all for your encouragement about my job, etc. Originally they were going to have me work tomorrow (sunday) as my first day. I went in today, though, and I have tomorrow off! Then I work monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, and saturday. Wow. 30 hours. I'm pretty nervous. I would appreciate your prayers. I am not good at laying my anxieties down before the Lord and casting my cares on Him. I don't want them, but I am having such a hard time surrendering my frustrations, fears, and worries. Please pray with me. Thank you all. You are a gift and a blessing. And thank you for keeping me accountable and helping me keep things in perspectives. I love you!

All I want to do is get married and be a mom...and never work for a big corporation again. I'm all about Hillsdale Natural Grocery. I miss it so much. I pretty much had a major breakdown this afternoon...and all i want to do is go back to that little store. Sigh...

Somewhere North of Here

Tonight was beautiful. A storm rolled in late this afternoon, bringing dark clouds and much cooler weather. It also brought a lot of wind. Dust clouds blew across the desert and I seriously thought our house would blow away--it was creaking and the windows were vibrating. It was so exciting. The majesty of these monsoon storms leave me speechless every time. They put me in a very contemplative mood.

So I went to starbucks for some alone time. Sometimes it is just nice to get out of the house and be alone to think (and read). I got my tea and sat outside. I started the Great Divorce. So far so good, but I'm not very far. I would get distracted by all the people. I think another reason I really like to go there is to people watch. It's one of my favorite things. It's so fascinating. There was a jolly table of elderly folks with the men all smoking cigars, a young couple probably on a date, a young family with a chatter-box little boy, and a single man sitting alone drinking and just watching the sky.

It started to rain and I had to move under the roof to get away from the drops. It was SO beautiful and smelled wonderful. That distracted me for a while and I just watched the raindrops as they fell on the ground. I love seeing the cement gradually fill with drops and turn wet and dark. I read some more but then Allie and Hannah stopped by! They saw my car (the van) with the wood canoe rack on top (always a sign of the Childs family. haha). It was such a pleasant surprise to visit with them! They stayed for probably 20 minutes or so. It was wonderful. And by that time the weather was even more beautiful--nice and cool with the smell of rain.

I left shortly after they did. I drove home in the dark with the windows down and the roommate mix turned up. I listened to somewhere north, sunday morning, deeper still, and rock of ages. I would only have gotten through the first two songs but when I reached our dirt road I just kept on driving. I drove on past the houses into the valley by the wash. As I drove down the hill the temperature dropped considerably. The air cleared up and the smell of the creosote after the rain was rich. Sigh. It was beautiful. I just wanted to drive and drive...Sometimes I get in those moods. Tonight was one of them.

It is simple pleasures like these I experienced tonight that remind this weak soul that my Lord is near. They also make me think of the words "Cause out here hope remains..." from 40 acres. The whole verse goes like this,

"There's 40 acres and redemption to be found
Just along down the way
There is a place where no plow blade has turned the ground
And you will turn it over, 'cause out here hope remains
'Cause out here hope remains..."

It's easy to let the cares of the world overshadow the hope we have in Christ. We shouldn't let it, but that doesn't mean we won't have moments of weakness. I thank the Lord for filling up all that is lacking in me and being the power in my weakness. And I thank Him for simple but *real* moments like tonight...

and this is love

The four quotes below come from Mother Teresa. These are some simple thoughts but they carry much weight. They convict and challenge. Also, following the quotes is a passage about love from the Bible (I know it is a "common" verse but read it again...REALLY read it. And think on it). I don't want us to get so used to using the word 'love' that we forget its meaning. I don't want it to grow stale on our lips and fall old and used from our mouths. I want it to remain new and alive in our hearts, minds, and actions--daily convicting and challenging our faith.

"Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired."

"Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person."

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."

"It is not the magnitude of our actions but the amount of love that is put into them that matters."

What is love? "Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is nor arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends...So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, 13

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal." v. 1

"If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing." v. 3

1 Corinthians chapter 14 begins with the exhortation, "Pursue Love..."

A true understanding of these things will turn my life upside down. I am so weak. I look to the Lord and remember His words, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Cor. 12:9a).

Black Clouds+The Smell of Creosote=Monsoon Season

It's here. Monsoon season has officially begun (at least I'm convinced it has). Typical warning signs: 1. All day today it has been getting more and more humid. As a result: 2. Our swamp cooler isn't working as well. 3. The dark clouds have been accumulating in the late afternoons. 4. It smells SO good out...and by that I mean the creosote bushes. 5. It doesn't usually rain like this unless it is monsoon season. 6. An early season was predicted.

And finally....I AM SO EXCITED ABOUT IT!!! aah. This is my FAVORITE thing about summer in AZ.

After the Chipmunks Play on our Patio...

...and are hot and exhausted. SO CUTE!

Finished with #3

I finished Passion and Purity. That makes three (well, I haven't finished my Nouwen book but almost!). I am now two chapters into Slaughter-House-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. I thought an "anti-war" book might be a good change...plus I've been thinking about the subject a lot lately. Perhaps it will shed some light and make/help me think some more. I'm interested to see what it is like, especially since it was such a big deal. So far it is good, and very interesting. I'm enjoying a novel.


New favorite songs right now: Carry You (dispatch), Calendar Girl (Stars), How to Save a Life (the Fray), Colorblind (Counting Crows), Grateful for Her Beauty (David Wilcox). I recommend you listen to them! :)

Adding to the thoughts of yesterday...

"God has invited us, as mere human beings, to add to the beauty of his plan and creation. Unbelievable. The Kingdom of God transcends politics and policy, nationality, gender and race. It transcends the way we do church, and makes us a real live body of believers. It gives us the ability to be very different and still bear with one another. It gives us the power to extend the same kind of grace that has been extended to us, and to love each other with a love that never fails. The very real kingdom of God calls out of us, its inhabitants, beautiful art, creative lives, and redemptive work."
-Sara Groves

Full of Thoughts

Today has been so wonderful. Luke and I are the only ones home with dad. Mom is in Michigan spending time with her dad (and mom!). I'm jealous she gets to be in the U.P. but I am enjoying my bonding time with the boys here at home. It is definitely frustrating at times...for example...I spend my time cooking for them and cleaning up for them. Mostly Luke. Haha. But I sort of got mad at him today and then he started helping. Here is what the past few days have looked like:

Luke (with a box of cheeze-its in hand) sits around the house.
Andrea: Are you getting hungry?
Luke: No, i'm fine
Andrea: Well, its almost dinner time. Maybe you should stop snacking and I'll make real food. Are you hungry enough to eat?
Luke: Sure, I'll eat
Andrea (in the kitchen making food): If I make nachos to go along with dinner will you eat them
Luke (enthusiastically): really? yeah!
Andrea (20 minutes later): It's time to eat!
*boys come to kitchen*
*Luke eats two chips but doesn't take any on his plate*
Andrea: I thought you said you would want to eat them if I made them
Luke: Oh, I'm not hungry

UGH! Now I understand why mom hates it when we snack and spoil our appetites for dinner. It is SO frustrating for the cook! All day today Luke has been eating cheeze-its. He seriously makes them every meal. I understand the addiction but come on. Sigh...

It's been fun, though. After Church today we rented the Killing Fields. It was really sad but really good. I recommend it. After that we just hung out around the house. I went to the grocery store for more fruits and veggies (we were having a shortage). Luke convinced me to look for a gallon of chocolate milk (when mom is away luke will play!) but all they had was fat free and he refused. Haha. Silly boy.

I cleaned my room this afternoon while listening to the Derek Webb House Show. Sigh...oh so good! Plus it was nice to get my room all cleaned and organized. This evening I was in my room reading and my dad came in to chat for a bit (I LOVE it when he comes into my room to talk...i feel like he doesn't make it down the hall very often. haha. he's so funny). Well, the "chat" turned into a full out discussion about SO MANY things and lasted for an hour and a half (or maybe longer). We talked about the Church (ours and the Church in general) and ideas of fellowship, outreach, service, ministry, community, etc. We talked about how the Church evolves with the times and remains relevant without compromising itself. We talked about friendships and relationships. We talked about our family. We talked a little bit about my future (mostly about what it would look like for me to be at home next semester). It was such a wonderful talk!! I love him so much. He is a good thinker and I appreciate him so much. Sigh. He's such an awesome dad.

So much of what I listened to on the House Show related to my conversation with dad. There are a few things Derek Webb talks about on it that are especially good. I will share them:

"So often we try to make it our job to make the Gospel easier for us to preach and easier for other people to hear--in order to not get into trouble and in order to not be confrontational. But here's the truth. You just can't preach the Gospel and not get into trouble. You just can't do it, hard as you might try. You can dress it up any way you want. But if you're really preaching the Gospel you are going to get yourself into trouble, you are going to be in trouble as well. Because the cross is both beautiful and offensive and it must be both. It is both. There is no other Gospel for you to preach...It's not safe to boldly preach the Gospel. it is dangerous work we are in as believers, perilous work that we have before us to preach the gospel not only to each other but to the outside world, the unbelieving world. Not safe work. Safe is not a word that I would believe characterizes Christians or Jesus or the Gospel. It shouldn't. If it is then it might not be the Gospel we are preaching. Jesus is not safe. He is not manageable. He is a wild lion. You cannot tame Him. He is not safe. But He is good. He is king. You can trust Him. the Gospel that we carry is not safe. It is not manageable, not efficient. Loving people is not efficient. But the Gospel is good, it is true, but it is not safe."

"We are called into community together. If you divorce the people of God, if you divorce local community from the Gospel, then it ceases to be the Gospel. There is no other context for your faith as a christian than to be in community with other people. I've heard a lot of people say to me over the years "Its just me and Jesus and that's all i need." Well that's not the Gospel in scripture. If you are going to be those who claim to love Jesus you will be compelled to love also the things that he loved. And he not only loved but came and gave himself up for the church, and that makes it our concern as well. And if that's not hard enough--that we live in community together--we are also called with a mandate that we preach the Gospel to each other. We mistake the Gospel for the thing only that we preach to non believers. It certainly is that, but much more than that, the Gospel must have, necessarily has, a primary place in the life of believers. We've got to heard it every week, if not every day. "

These are things I have been thinking about A LOT lately. My head and heart have been so full of thoughts about the Gospel and its relationship to/with community--local AND global. I have been thinking about Jesus and the life He lived. I have learned a lot of things this week but two things stands out in particular.
1. I have learned that Jesus isn't safe...but He is GOOD. I cannot tame Him (and oh have I tried). Following Him is dangerous and standing in His truth (THE truth) is perilous. He calls me to live dangerously. He calls me to be uncomfortable and make difficult decisions. He asks me to stand firm in my convictions, no matter what evil might attack (doubts, uncertainties...) He asks me to talk with Him and spend time with Him--He turns my life upside down.
2. I have also learned that loving people is not efficient. It is really hard, and it costs A LOT. God's love for me cost the life of His only Son. His love changed the world. And His love for me demands that I love the things that He loves--and love like He loves (obviously only by His grace). Loving is not comfortable, like I want it to be. It challenges me and changes me...and it is scary.

As I learn that the Gospel is not safe, I rely on the promises of Christ and the knowledge that the He is good and true and His Gospel is good and true. These can be hard lessons to learn but the joy supplied by the Lord and satisfaction found in Him are my hope in times of fear and truth in times of doubt. I thank Him for these days and for all the prodding I receive from the Spirit.
-----------------------------------------------------
oh...also. Back on the issue of living in community. I've been learning what it means to be honest--first with myself and jesus (that might sound weird, since He knows everything about me already. But I have found Him to be saying "Andrea, talk to me. Give me ALL of your heart.") and then with others. The first step is mostly really hard. It is hard to be honest with myself when my sin nature tries to be deceitful all the time. Also, it is hard to lay my pride aside and humble myself before Christ. The second step is mostly really scary. It is frightening to let people into me and see me for who I really am (or begin to see me for who I really am)--faults and all. It's a lesson in laying down pride also.

These steps are difficult, but the freedom and redemption Christ gives are rich and boundless. In other words, the reward is GREAT! And His grace is MORE than enough....yes, it is everything.

I Love My Dad!!!

He's pretty much amazing :)

Sister...I Miss You!!!

I've Been Thinking

The future holds so many possibilities. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed! I am continually reminded of the huge importance the role of prayer plays in my life and the decisions I make.

I have a job at the grocery store. I had my first day of class wednesday but now I have a whole week off. They couldn't schedule me for actual training until the 26, 28, 29, 30. Sigh...I was a little bummed but it gives me a heads up--and a chance to do things I won't have as much time for once I'm really working.

I hear from Moody again on July 1st. I go back and forth about what I want the letter to say. Part of me REALLY wants to go to school in the fall, and go in with all the others (if I go, I have to be tehre exactly two months from today. weird!). Another part of me wants to stay here since I have a job and work A LOT and save money (maybe spend time in Philly with Kristen and Jay!)...and go second semester. But I have no idea. I'm trying not to stress about it but to trust God. Plus, i don't even know what the letter will say yet.

I came across this website the other day. Check it out--it looks like such a neat program. I think I would love something like this. I would live in the inner-city of a major city for a year (Oakland, Atlanta, Philly, Chicago) and just do community service projects (on a team). I think it would be so amazing. Sigh...another opportunity for me in the future. Crazy! :) www.missionyear.org

So...today I am helping my mom around the house--cleaning and what not. I have been reading bits of Erasmus and Luther's Discourse on the Freedom of the Will (i never read it all for english) and I think I'm going to read Passion and Purity again (by Elisabeth Elliot). Who knows...

Summer has been wonderful but a little tough. I've been learning a lot and challenged a lot...a good combination just sometimes exhausting and a little overwhelming.

OH!!! I almost forgot. The other night I added an ambition to my "life ambitions." I am SO excited. So...something I want to do before the age of 30: RUN A MARATHON. I am actually so excited about this. Allie--it happened after our conversation. I think we should run in the National Park! It would be so fun...at night!!

Also. As I have been watching So You Think You Can Dance? my desire to take dance classes has solidified. It might not happen for a while...maybe not until I'm engaged. But I WILL. I am super excited :)

P.S. Luke is helping me learn all sorts of exercises and stretches for running. This is so exciting! haha.
yay for brothers!!! :)

We try to live like Jesus before we live like people who need Jesus. The truth is, I am not like Jesus. I need Him.

The "Mellow Mix"

I am compiling a cd of "mellow" music. I like it a whole lot. I've been listening to it all night. Sigh...so good. Carry You (Dispatch) Galileo (Indigo Girls), Grateful for Her Beauty (David Wilcox), I Will Follow You Into the Dark (Death Cab), Colorblind (Counting Crows), and Come Away With Me (Norah Jones). I'm still working on it. And don't worry (josh!) I found free music on their myspace's. Woo!

Who is man that you are mindful of Him?

Wow. I love sunsets.

Aaah!!

Don't ever watch Murder By Numbers...creepy. I just watched it tonight with Hannah. We were alone in her dark house and it was definitely a yucky feeling. We were both creeped out afterwards and walked around the house together...haha it was FUN.

We first ate dinner at PEI WEI (yuuuum) then we went to blockbuster and got the movie (the guy told us it was a good choice! :)). Then we went to starbucks so she could show Josh her new hair cut (it looks super cute)...we went to walgreens to get candy for the movie (sour straws!!! woohoo!!). Then we watched the movie. Afterwards we sat on her kitchen counter for a while and talked (in a well-lit room!) and then drove to starbucks and talked some more...it was SO nice to catch up. Sigh...I've missed nights like this!

I got a call today from Fry's. They want me to come in for a second interview on Tuesday...I'm assuming that means I passed the drug test...? Whew! :) Hopefully I can start work soon...car insurance will be due for payment soon.

Kristen and Jay leave monday (SAD!) so I am probably going to spend as much time as possible with them in the next few days. Hmmm...it could be kind of hard because they are busy packing. Oh well. I am good at distracting :) hehe.

So...real quick--scary story. After dropping Hannah off at work I got home around 11:40 and I was super freaked out from the movie still. I had to walk up the dark front walk and get inside and everyone was already asleep. So I went and told my parents I was home (its the rule :)) and saw that the office door was shut (and the blue-green glow of the computer showed under the door). My guess was that Luke was on the computer since he always is late at night. So I went and opened the door but no one was in there. I figured he was asleep and just forgot to turn the computer off. So I went and looked down the hall but his bedroom door was open and no one was in there. By this time I was a little upset because I thought he was trying to be funny (as he often tries to be) by hiding from me and then scarying me. Don't forget--I just watched murder by numbers...and I have a pretty good imagination--sometimes it runs wild.
So...Luke's car was out front but he was nowhere inside. I decided i didn't want to play his game of hide-and-seek so I got ready for bed and crawled in. But as I lay there, trying to fall asleep, all I could think about was "what if Luke has been kidnapped" or "what if Luke is lying bleeding in a ditch somewhere while I try to sleep." I quickly concluded that there was no way Iw as going to be able to fall asleep. So I got up and checked the house again: not in his room, not in the den, not in the bathroom, not in the office. Weird. So I woke mom up and we both looked. We couldn't find him anywhere! scary! I think I was much more concerned than she was (probably because of that silly movie!). She thought maybe a friend had come and picked him up (which was still strange). We both went back to the office and she opened the door to the clothes-line. The screen was open. (once again-CREEPY!). Mom stepped out first and looked around the corner...THERE HE WAS! Laying on the air conditioner talking on the phone (with a girl!!). Apparently he had been out there for two hours....I don't know why on earth he was talking on the phone out there. Weirdest place of all. Why not go out on the back patio? Why not talk in his room? Anyway...I had almost had 30+ heart attacks by that point because I was imagining him murdered somewhere. Ugh...sometimes my imagination is more of a curse than a blessing.
Don't worry--Luke is safe! And now I am going to bed. Hopefully I won't have nightmares. yuck. Goodnight!

Taking Clothes Off the Line

I just finished getting the clothes off the line. It is 11:05 pm. It is getting really windy outside so my mom got up to ask me if I would bring the clothes in.

The desert is beautiful at night. It has cooled off and tonight the air is thick with moisture--not heavy or sticky, but just ready to rain. I could feel the storm coming and smell the rain...the smell of a desert rain is one of my all-time favorite smells. I love it.

The wind is gaining momentum. It is battering the screen door and rattling the windows. It's exciting. I love the anticipation that grows with the coming of the storm. I hope it pours. I think the monsoons will start early this year. That excites me. It is supposed to be an especially wet monsoon season, too. It's about time! Tucson has been in drought long enough (about 7 years...yuck!).

I went to starbucks tonight to read. I have been doing that a lot lately. It is good to be away from home and alone for a bit. It is also nice to read...I'm still reading Irresistible Revolution. I am learning a lot from it and being challenged a lot. The nice thing is, on top of the information it provides me, it also contains a lot of references to other material--and footnotes. So I can access other sources, too.

I've been thinking a lot about the meaning and value of LIFE. My views on so much have been challenged a lot lately. It is exciting but also frightening. I am realizing how little I know and how few opinions/stances I hold. But let me just tell you--as I grow more informed, I am quickly growing more opinionated about a lot of things (such as: poverty, war, abortion, capital punishment, the church, America, the person of Jesus, etc.). It might seem like a random list but all of these issues are coming together for me as I evaluate my life (duties, responsibilities, privileges, calling) as a follower of Christ. Above all, I seek direction in knowing how to handle these new opinions. Sure, its good to be informed and have opinions. But if you don't do anything with them but talk and argue, what's the point. Difference is made through action. I want this to become very real to me.

As I sat alone at Starbucks and read, lots of thoughts were going through my head. Aside from the direct subjects related to my reading material, I was thinking a lot about my friends. I am really missing Hillsdale friends. Every day I am confronted with the reality that I am not going back...weird. I think it is finally starting to sink in. I sat on my bed and cried for about 20 minutes the other day. And then tonight on my way to starbucks I cried some more. It's just a weird transition to make because the future is so clouded right now. I know I have said the future will be good (and I absolutely believe it, don't get me wrong) but there is healthiness in the grieving process.I guess for now I am just experiencing the loss--and the pain that comes with it. I'm just really emotional right now....ugh, and Kristen and Jay are leaving for Oregon a week from today. I'm so excited for them (and actually rahter jealous) but I am going to miss them an awful lot. I like being able to spend time with them. Kristen is a wonderful friend to talk to...

I got a letter from Moody on Saturday. One person dropped out so I am now 10th on the list. It means progress, but its hard because there is still so much unknown. I have done an awful job of trusting God lately. I am thankful that He is a forgiving God, and that He helps me in my unbelief. When I am weak, in Him I am made strong. I thank Him for that because I sure am weak. I fear not getting in for the fall...because I fear a harder transition at mid semester. I fear being at home for the fall semester (even though earning money would be nice) because it would be really hard to be home alone when everyone else goes back to school.

I pray that God would take these fears and toss them to the wind. Would you pray with me? I am learning (and even failing...because I wouldn't be human if I didn't) to trust God. I am learning to hand over my life to Him--and to receive in its place the joy of His love and the treasure of His Son. It is a beautiful exchange, but a difficult one for my pride to make. It's frustrating--to be a broken, wounded sinner.

So...I guess that's where I am right now. Hopefully it makes some kind of sense :)
I'm learning that life with Jesus is hard but it is so rich. So rich. And that's the way He said it would be...

I love you guys!

BUMMER

So...my pictures are taking FOREVER to upload through blogger right now....and not all of them will. SAD. So, to see SOME pictures from our amazing sibling adventure weekend, look at my xanga: www.xanga.com/where_I_began

Sorry! Hopefully I'll be able to get it to working soon...because there are MORE pictures I want to show :) and more I want to write.

Enjoy those ones for now!!

Simple Pleasures

Tonight we had dinner with old family friends. They invited another friend of theirs to come who is a missionary with Wycliffe and it was SO NEAT to have her there and hear her stories. Man...there are some really incredible people in this world...who have seen and experienced some pretty amazing things. whoa. :)

THEN!...on the way home (it was just me and my brother in my car) we drove with the windows down. Sigh. You might not be able to understand, but that is one of my ALL TIME favorite things to do at night--drive with the windows down and the music WAY up. It is pretty much amazing. Plus, the friends live over in the foothills so we were driving up near the mountains and had an amazing view of the tucson city lights. And the songs on the radio were perfect: "we are the champions," "when soul meets body," "sweet home alabama" (i don't remember the others).

Aaaah. I am so content right now. And tomorrow we (my sister, Jay, brother and I) leave early for the Grand Canyon. I CAN'T wait! I am going to take so many pictures. I wish you guys could see it. It would take your breath away. I hope you can (at one time or another) come visit me and I will take you to see it.

Call me if you want. It's the weekend so we get free cell minutes! woohoo. Although, I might be down in the Grand Canyon an probably won't have my cell phone :) That would definitely not be the time or place to be talking on a phone. YUCK.

Hallie, I forgot about this dinner thing we had tonight when I talked to you this afternoon, so I couldn't call. I'll try maybe tomorrow evening/night or sunday evening/night. I want to talk! :)

Josh! What did you do to your hair?? :)

Jared!...when do you get here? I'm so excited.

"Be still and know that I AM God..."

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain. Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change, He faithful will remain. Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend Through thorny waysleads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertakeTo guide the future, as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright at last.

Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voiceWho ruled them while He dwelt below. Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart, And all is darkened in the vale of tears,Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart, Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.

Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay From His own fullness all He takes away. Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord. When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise On earth, believing, to thy Lord on high; Acknowledge Himin all thy works and ways,So shall He view thee with a well-pleased eye.Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine."

What a wonderful hymn!!
--------------------------------------
Confronting things in yourself is often so very difficult...especially when it is something you don't really want to change (or can't...on your own). I would appreciate your prayers. I'm making some tough realizations about my life, my actions, etc. It's kind of painful...good, but painful.

I miss you, Hillsdale friends! But I am also very happy to be spending time with you, Tucson friends :) God is good...and He's teaching me lots. It is just a little overwhelming at times.

Also...I have been listening to my "Andrea's leaving and we all feel rotten" mix, my "roadtrip" mix, and my " roommate" mix a lot...they bring back SO many memories...and make me miss so many people I love. Sigh. I took a nap today while listening to the roommate mix. I miss you, Hallie!

I love you, friends!!

Real Update Coming Soon...

I am going to update soon, I promise!! I have lots going on...mostly I am crazy busy reading and researching and finding articles, etc. It's lots of fun. I'll fill you in soon :)

Jesus, the Motilone

"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him who brings good news, who publishes peace, who brings good news of happiness, who publishes salvation, who says to Zion, 'Your God reigns.'" Isaiah 52:7

Just a small part of a story I really like...

"...If you are big and powerful, you have to become small and weak in order to work with other weak beings. It was a perfect parallel for what God had done in Jesus.
But there were so many unknown factors in the way the Motilones reasoned. How could I be sure that I would convey the right thing?
I couldn't. Yet I felt sure God had given me this time to speak. So i took the word for "becoming like an ant" and used it for incarnation. "God is incarnated into man," I said.
They gasped. There was a tense, hushed silence. The idea that God had become a man stunned them.
'Where did He walk?' the witch doctor asked in a whisper.
Every Motilone has his own trail. it is his personal point of identity. You walk on someone's trail if you want to find him. God would have a trail, too. If you want to find God, you walk on His trail.
My blood was racing, my heart pounding. 'Jesus Christ is God become man,' I said. 'He can show you God's trail.'
A look of astonishment, almost fear, spread over their faces. the man who had been shouting into the hole looked at me.
'Show us Christ,' he said in a coarse whisper.
I fumbled for an answer. 'You killed Christ,' I said. 'You destroyed God.'
His eyes got big. 'I killed Christ? I did that? How did I do that? And how can God be killed?'
I wanted to tell them that Jesus' death had freed them from meaninglessness, from death and the powers of evil.
'How do evil, death and deception find power over the Motilone people?' I asked.
'Through the ears,' Bobby answered, because language is so important to the Motilones. it is the essence of life. If evil language comes through the ears, it means death.
'Do you remember,' I said, 'how after a hunt for wild boars the leader cuts the skin from the animal and puts it over his head to cover his ears and keep the evil spirits of the jungle out?'
They nodded, listening closely.
'Jesus Christ was murdered,' I said. 'But just as you pull the skin over the chieftain's head to hide his ears, so Jesus--when He died --pulled His blood over your deception and hides it from the sight of God.'
I stood looking at them, hoping desperately that they would understand. then I saw on their faces that they did.
I told them Jesus was buried. A wave of grief swept over them. The man who was searching for his brother's language began to weep.It was the first time I had ever seen a Motilone cry. But the thought that God was dead, that they were lost, brought tears and sobs.
I picked up my Bible, opened it and said, 'The Bible speaks that Jesus came alive after death and is alive today.'
One of the men grabbed the Bible from my hand and put it to his ear. 'I can't hear a thing,' he said.
I took it back. 'the way the bible speaks does not change,' I said. 'It is like the papers of your speech that I have. They say the same word one day to the next. The Bible sayd that Jesus came to life. It is God's banana stalk.'
I showed him the page and told him that the little black markings had meaning.
'No one has ever come back from the dead in all Motilone history,' he said.
'I know,' I replied. 'But Jesus did. It is proof that He is really God's Son.'
They asked many more questions. Some I didn't fully understand. But I was sure that God had spoken through me. That night I prayed, 'god, give validity to Your Word. Make it touch these lives.' I claimed God's promise that His Word would not return to Him without any response.
Yet there didn't seem to be any response. I continued to walk the trails with Bobby, giving medicine to the witch doctors and showing them how to do their work more effectively.
One evening, though, Bobby began to ask questions. We were sitting around a fire. The light flicked over him. His face was serious.
'How can I walk on Jesus' trail?' he asked. 'No Motilone has ever done it. it's a new thing. There is no other Motilone to tell how to do it.'
I remembered the problems I had had as a boy, how it sometimes appeared impossible to keep on believing in Jesus when my family and friends were so opposed to my commitment. That was what Bobby was going through.
'Bobby,' I said, 'do you remember my first Festival of the Arrows, the first time I had seen all the Motilones gathered to sing their song?' the festival was the most important ceremony in the Motilone culture.
He nodded. The fire flared up momentarily, and I could see his eyes, staring intently at me.
'Do you remember that I was afraid to climb in the high hammocks to sing, for fear that the rope would break? And I told you that I would sing only if I could have one foot in the hammock and one foot on the ground?'
'Yes, Bruchko.'
'And what did you say to me?'
He laughed. "I told you you had to have both feet in the hammock. You have to be suspended,' I said."
'Yes,' I said. 'You have to be suspended. That is how it is when you follow Jesus, Bobby. No man can tell you how to walk His trail. Only Jesus can. But to find out you have to tie your hammock strings into Him and be suspended in God.'
Bobby said nothing. The fire danced in his eyes.Then he stood up and walked off into the darkness.
The next day he came to me, 'Bruchko,' he said, 'I want to tie my hammock strings into Jesus Christ.But how can I? I can't see Him or touch Him.'
'You have talked to spirits, haven't you?
'Oh,' he said. 'I see now.'
The next day he had a big grin on his face. 'Bruchko, I've tied my hammock strings into Jesus. Now I speak a new language.'
I didn't understand what he meant. 'Have you learned some of the Spanish I speak?'
He laughed a clean, sweet laugh. 'No, Bruchko, I speak a new language.'
Then I understood. To a Motilone, language is life. If Bobby had a new life, he had a new way of speaking. His speech would be Christ-oriented.
We put our hands on each other's shoulders. My mind swept back to the first time I had met Jesus and the life I had felt flow into me. Now my brother Bobby was experiencing Jesus himself, in the same way. He had begun to walk with Jesus.
'Jesus Christ has risen from the dead!' Bobby shouted, so that the sound filtered far off into the jungle. 'He has walked our trails! I have met Him!'
From that day our friendship was enhanced by our love for Jesus. We talked constantly about Him, and Bobby asked me many questions. But he never asked the color of Jesus' hair or whether He had blue eyes. To Bobby, the answers were obvious: Jesus had dark skin, and His eyes were black. He wore a G-string and hunted with bows and arrows.
Jesus was a Motilone."

"The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few. Therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest. Go your way; behold, I am sending you out as lambs in the midst of wolves." Luke 10:2, 3

Wondering What Movie to Rent?...

I recommend "A Time To Kill" with Matthew McConaughey, Sandra Bullock, Samuel L. Jackson, Kevin Spacey, Ashley Judd, etc...

I haven't cried that hard during a movie in a long time. It is a great film.

I lift my eyes up to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord...maker of heaven and earth.

The earth is so beautiful. I miss the spring flowers but the mountains are astounding. It has been semi rainy the past few days...black clouds, lightning behind the mountains. Sigh...its breathtaking.

Here It Is

Here's the book list I promised. I decided to make a fairly extensive one, though I am sure I left some out. Oh well. This way you have lots to choose from (at least lots of ideas!!). I guess that's all. It's late and I am ready for bed...Happy reading :)

Oh!...and let me know if you have other ideas of books not on any of my lists. I'm always looking for new ones. thanks!

Books I am Currently Reading:
The Return of the Prodigal Son (Henri Nouwen)
Future Grace (John Piper)
With Justice for All (John Perkins)

Books I Recommend:
As I Lay Dying (William Faulkner)
Tale of Two Cities (Dickens)
Crime and Punishment (Dostoevsky)
Peace Like a River (Leif Enger)
Brave New World (Aldous Huxley)
1984 (George Orwell)
Animal Farm (George Orwell)
The Lord of the Flies (William Golding)
Cry, the Beloved Country (Alan Paton)
To Kill a Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
The Immoralist (Andre Gide)
The Chosen (Chaim Potok)
The Promise (Chaim Potok)
My Name is Asher Lev (Chaim Potok)
Through Gates of Splendor (Elizabeth Elliot)
These Strange Ashes (Elizabeth Elliot)
Bruchko (Bruce Olsen)
Shadow of the Almighty (Elizabeth Elliot)
The Four Quartets (T.S. Eliot)
Don't Waste Your Life (John Piper)
The Holiness of God (RC Sproul)
Surprised by Joy (C.S. Lewis)
A Grief Observed (C.S. Lewis)
A Severe Mercy (Sheldon Vanauken)
Passion and Purity (Elizabeth Elliot)

Books on My List:
Beyond Charity: The Call to Christian Community Development (John Perkins)
The Urban Face of Mission (Harvie M. Conn)
He Shines in all That's Fair: Culture and Common Grace (Richard Mouw)
Eternity in Their Hearts (Don Richardson)
Hinds Feet in High Places (Hannah Hurnard)
The Great Divorce (C.S. Lewis)
The Problem of Pain (C.S. Lewis)
Till We Have Faces (C.S. Lewis)
Poems (C.S. Lewis)
Cat's Cradle (Kurt Vonnegut)
The Violent Bear it Away (Flannery O'Conner)
The Mill on The Floss (George Eliot)
Anna Karenina (Leo Tolstoy)
The Wasteland (T.S. Eliot)
Guns, Germs and Steel (Jared Diamond...i think?)
The Crisis of Islam (Bernard Lewis)
The Gulag Archipelago (Alexander Solzhenitsyn)
Anthem (Ayn Rand)
Diary or David Brainerd
The God Who is There (Francis Schaeffer)
A Chance to Die: The Life and Legacy of Amy Carmichael (Elizabeth Elliot)
Let the Nations Be Glad (John Piper)
Desiring God (John Piper)

Easy Reading I Recommend:
The Chronicles of Narnia (C.S. Lewis)
The Westing Game (ellen Raskin)
A Wrinkle in Time (Madeline L' Engle)
The Witch of Blackbird Pond (Elizabeth George Spear)
The Bronze Bow (Elizabeth George Spear)
Secret of the Andes (Ann Nolan Clark)
Johnny Tremain (Esther Forbes)
Wind in the Willows (Kenneth Grahame)
Across Five Aprils (Irene Hunt)
Banner in the Sky (James Ramsey Ulman)
Mara, Daughter of the Nile (Eloise Jarvis McGraw)
The Jungle Series (Ron Snell)
Little House on the Prairie Series (Laura Ingalls Wilder)

A Night At Home

It has been a wonderful Mother's Day. Jay and Kristen came over after Church and we all made lunch for mom. Kristen made Indian fry bread (YUM!!) and we had Navajo tacos. Oh my...I have missed these kinds of meals :) Then mom opened her presents (a therma-ret pillow and swiss army knife for camping). They all went up to the neighbor's to swim and I stayed home and wrote letters. It was so wonderful to catch up on things. I have been spending most of my time at home so far, which has been really nice. I have finished deep cleaning my room--getting rid of old stuff and moving new stuff in. It feels so good to start fresh at home.

I am still job searching. I picked up a bunch of applications on Sat. for health food stores. Tomorrow I am going to drop them all off and perhaps talk with a manager or two (wish me luck!...and please pray that it will go well!!). I hate doing stuff like this. Grrr...I hope I find a job soon.

Tomorrow Kristen and I are also hanging out. We're going to run a few errands and go thrift store shopping (woohoo!!). Perhaps we'll make it to the Unicef store :)

Wednesday I am having dinner with Sarah (can't wait). I don't have anything else planned this week. I babysit on Sunday (a nice bit of money while I am out of a job). I really miss the health food store. Sad...I wish I could have brought it with me and worked at it here. Alas...

I am going to start into my reading. I can't wait. I am beginning Henri Nouwen's "The Return of the Prodigal Son" and so far (though I have read very little) it is good. I am also planning on reading Flannery O'Conner's "The Violent Bear it Away" along with more T.S. Eliot poetry and a few other books. I'll keep you posted on my reading progress :) Perhaps one of these days I will post a recommended reading list, for those of you that need ideas :)

I hope the beginning of summer finds you all well! I pray it is a time of good thinking and lots of growth...

Back in tucson

I'm back in Arizona. It feels so weird. I can't really explain it. I don't really like the feeling...at all. Sigh....

Oh My

Exactly three minutes ago I walked out of my last final...American Heritage with Dr. Birzer. Whew..I am officially FINISHED with my freshman year of college. weird. I can't believe it! I am so tired and jittery.


This has been such an amazing year.

don't lie to me
tell me something true
'cause i'm only free
when i look at you

and you look so good it hurts
and love, i come undone

but i don’t want medication
just give me liberation
even if it cuts my legs right out from underneath
don’t give me medication
i want the real sensation
even when living feels just like death to me

don't paint my face
i need to see the scars
so i don't forget
the back of my tutor's arm

'cause i just can't keep it straight
which kills and which one saves


‘cause the truth is i need you just like the air i breathe
just like a freight train needs the tracks beneath
so i’d rather suffer my whole life and be this rich man’s wife
if loving you means suffering

(Medication by Derek Webb)

Think on these words...

Be still, my soul:
the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently
the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God
to order and provide;
In every change,
He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul:
thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways
leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul:
thy God doth undertake
To guide the future,
as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence
let nothing shake;
All now mysterious
shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul:
the waves and winds
still know His voice
Who ruled them
while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul:
when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened
in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know
His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe
thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul:
thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness
all He takes away.

Be still, my soul:
the hour is hastening on
When we shall be
forever with the Lord.
When disappointment,
grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot,
love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul:
when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed
we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul:
begin the song of praise
On earth, believing,
to thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him
in all thy works and ways,
So shall He view
thee with a well-pleased eye.
Be still, my soul:
the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds
shall but more brightly shine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This is such a beautiful hymn. There is such convicting truth in these words...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Roommate Date!!!

I love finals. No extra busy work--just study and get tested. Plenty of time to hang out and do fun and crazy things.

Today was so much fun!!! After our 8 AM religion final, Hallie and I had a special adventure...

First of all...a special thanks to our good friend Josh for letting us use his CAR!!! I took Hallie to the North Woods Coffee Co. in Coldwater for lunch. It was so amazing. I LOVE that place...it bring back so many memories of when Kristen was here. Sigh.

Anyway, we brought along the road-trip mix and listened to it with the windows down (including the SUN ROOF!...oh man :)). It is a beautiful sunny day and the air is so warm and fresh. The country was beautiful...I love driving. We had a wonderful chat over lunch and then we got coffee and chatted some more...and sang along to the road-trip mix as it was blaring out the windows the whole way home.....aaah what fun. These are the times we'll remember most...Spontaneous, out of the same-old same-old, togetherness FUN!

PS I really miss driving. I haven't driven since spring break...and I even brought Josh's car back in one piece. yay.
PSS I can't wait to listen to the road-trip mix driving around tucson this summer. It really is a wonderful collection :)







Josh's COOL sunglasses.... ;)

Random Thoughts

Instead of studying...

I had my last class with Dr. Birzer yesterday. It was a bit sad. I enjoyed that class SO MUCH. It was a great last class. Birzer shared some really wonderful quotes with us that I wanted post:

John Paul II called Auschwitz the “Golgotha of the modern world. . . . built for the negation of faith—faith in God and faith in man. . . . [meant] to trample radically not only on love but on all signs of human dignity, of humanity . . . . built on hatred and contempt for man in the name of a crazed ideology.”

In assessing a century of ideological terror, John Paul II concluded: “It is by uniting their sufferings for the sake of truth and freedom to the sufferings of . . . the cross that man is able to accomplish the miracle of peace and is in a position to discern the often narrow path between cowardice which gives in to evil and the violence which, under the illusion of fighting evil, only makes it worse.”

Russell Kirk: "At the back of every discussion of the good society lies this question, What is the object of human life? The enlightened conservative does not believe that the end or aim of life is competition; or success; or enjoyment; or longevity; or power; or possessions. He believes, instead, that the object of life is Love. He knows that the just and ordered society is that in which Love governs us, so far as Love ever can reign in this world of sorrows; and he knows that the anarchical or the tyrannical society is that in which Love lies corrupt. He has learnt that Love is the source of all being, and that Hell itself is ordained by Love. He understands that Death, when we have finished the part that was assigned to us, is the reward of Love. And he apprehends the truth that the greatest happiness ever granted to a man is the privilege of being happy in the hour of his death."

Also. I am in the middle of reading this wonderful article by Piper about John G. Paton. Here is the link, I highly recommend it. http://www.desiringgod.org/library/biographies/patton.pdf

And lastly...another thing I've been thinking about and wrestling with:
"I find I must drive myself to study, following the 'ought' of conscience to gain anything at all from the Scripture, lacking any desire at times. it is important to learn respect and obedience to the 'inner must' if godliness is to be a state of soul with me. I may no longer depend on pleasant impulses to bring me before the Lord. I must rather respond to principles I know to be right, whether I feel them to be enjoyable or not." -Jim Elliot

There are my random thoughts for the day :) Enjoy!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Since I am still bored and trying to avoid studying for finals (probably a bad idea ;)), I have decided to post some pictures...

Oh, Brother!!

Luke got a new kayak! He calls it the love of his life...haha. I like him. He's so super cool.

It's a really nice one!!

A Special Day!

Today is my sister's birthday! She is 24...I love her SO much. I wish I could be with her today to celebrate. Alas...i will go home soon and we will go on MANY sister dates. (and this is her first birthday as a married woman...crazy!)

Tonight is the last night the guys will be able to hang out in our room...ever. And tomorrow night is the first time we can be in theirs. It's a little weird. I'm going to get sad packing up my room. sigh...

I'm so tired. I need sleep. Finals start friday (for me) and then i go home wednesday. Time flies!!

T.S. Eliot

"Where is the Life we have lost in living?
Where is the wisdom we have lost in knowledge?
Where is the knowledge we have lost in information?
The cycles of Heaven in twenty centuries
Bring us farther from God and nearer to the Dust."
-TS Eliot (The Rock)

...My love for his work grows...

I recommend the Four Quartets. Read it and reread it. Over and over...it is so rich and so alive.

There's nothing like trying to write a paper when your mind is in a hundred other places...

I found out tonight that my great uncle died of a heart attack this morning in the shower. It's weird because I haven't had the chance to spend a lot of time around him...he's my grandma's brother and so we only have seen him at family reunions and some holidays. He was such a wonderful man, though, because he (and his wife) were always SO nice and SO dear to us...we aren't even their grandkids but they love us so much. He was so jolly and friendly and upbeat. He loved family and tradition...and that meant a lot to me.

My grandpa just got out of the hospital and is feeling pretty weak. I love him and my grandma so much. It's sobering to think about my uncle Bob just dying so suddenly...and it makes me want to hold my family so much more closer than I already do. I love them so much.

Anyway...I talked with my family for a while about that...and about this other lady in our church who is in the hospital with cancer. She was doing better for a while but now she is dying. She has a 12 yr old son and a 16 yr old daughter. It's really sad...

And then there was the bad car accident at Taylor University this week and many who died...

Life is a vapor. Father, help us not to waste it. Lord, may we make you our treasure and take your calling and prompting seriously. Teach us to love well.

Cheese and Apples.....Mmmmm

So...it is 12:46 am on Saturday and I have two papers to write by Monday. Huh. Not such a good thing...But its ok. I am going to stay up late tonight (well, LatER) and get as much done as possible before bed. Speaking of bed, mine is definitely calling my name. Sigh...

I had the most wonderful snack of REAL cheese and an apple. YUM! It's one of my favorite snacks :) Now I am listening to Conspiracy Among Friends--Anthem and drinking coffee. Maybe it will help me stay awake? Hopefully, I'm fading fast. This is the last big push, though. After Monday things will get easier. Sure, I have finals but I will have plenty of time to study for them...and no other extra homework.

Anyway. I need to get working. Hope you all have wonderful, restful nights ;)

Oh! P.S. I had my last Sundahl seminar on Thursday. It was weird...its weird to be experiencing these "lasts" now. Sigh...I really enjoyed that class. I really enjoyed having Dr.Sundahl. Here's a picture of our small seminar. Fun group!! :)

Giving Part of Myself Away

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable." C.S. Lewis (The Four Loves)

What does it mean to love? What does it mean to be loved? It's painful to be vulnerable...its also really wonderful.

Classes that will most likely be in my schedule next year...

MS-100–100 Spiritual Life and Community ............................... 3
MS-100–101 Introduction to Disciplemaking ............................ 2
MS-100–102 Studying and Teaching the Bible ............................ 4
MS-100–103 Christian Missions .................................................. 3

BI-200–270 Life in Bible Times ............................................. 3
BI Bible electives ................................................................... 6

MI-100–106 History of American Urban Diversity ....................... 3
MI-200–208 Urban Issues and the Church ................................... 3
MI-200–216 History and Theology of Urban Ministry ................ 3

MI-100–174 Jewish Culture and Communication .................... 3
MI-200–217 Contemporary Jewish Literature .......................... 3
MI-200–272 Jewish History ........................................................ 3

MI-200–206 Cultural Anthropology (Social Science elective) ......................... 3
MI-200–231 Introduction to Linguistics (language requirement) .................. 3
MI-200–232 Phonetics (language requirement) .............................................. 3


Wow. I'm really excited!

Keeping with the Music of Derek Webb...

"After ten years in a Christian band, backstage in the music industry and in the hallways of Church buildings across America, my attention as a songwriter has turned to a fresh affection for the Church. it seems we know all too little of who She is, how She should dress, or what She was made for. I have found that Scripture is provocative when it comes to these issues and so these songs are not for the faint of heart. Truth is, God would rather die than be without Her, and she is both wretched and radiant. I'm convinced that there is only one righteousness suitable for Jesus' Bride, and He is jealous for her love. For the believer, truth is freedom. Even truth that is hard to hear. May these songs stir all of us to see, as if for the first time, that we have (still) a great need for a Savior, and a great Savior for our need." (From his album "She Must and Shall Go Free")

I've been thinking about the Church...my role in the Church, my duty to the Church, my pleasure in the Church--what it means to be Christ's bride. I've been thinking about the condition of the Church...how I can be used, what I can do, where I can go, how I can help administer change. I've been thinking about the Church's job...as a body and unit, in America, in the World, how it ought to preach the Gospel more to itself...how much I am in need of hearing the Gospel every minute, every day. He is jealous for my love...how am I living? Is He my treasure? Is He my pleasure?

This song is really beautiful. It is blatant and convicting...


THE CHURCH (by Derek Webb)
i have come with one purpose
to capture for myself a bride
by my life she is lovely
by my death she’s justified

i have always been her husband
though many lovers she has known
so with water i will wash her
and by my word alone

so when you hear the sound of the water
you will know you’re not alone

(chorus)
‘cause i haven’t come for only you
but for my people to pursue
you cannot care for me with no regard for her
if you love me you will love the church

i have long pursued her
as a harlot and a whore
but she will feast upon me
she will drink and thirst no more

so when you taste my flesh and my blood
you will know you’re not alone

(chorus)
there is none that can replace her
though there are many who will try
and though some may be her bridesmaids
they can never be my bride

I Love This Song...

I Want A Broken Heart (Derek Webb)

i've got faith in the bank and money in my heart
i've got a calloused place where your ring used to be, my love
i've traded naked and unashamed
for a better place to hide
for a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies

i thought the cattle on a thousand hills
was not enough to pay my bills
and i fell in love with those who proved me wrong
and now i want a broken heart
now there's a great pad lock
on the place where i was free
and i'm feeling bad from swallowing that key
now i work real hard but i mostly call in sick
of a broken back from the ground fighting back at me

i cannot look you in the eye
so i check the knots on my disguise
'cause i fell in love with fashion in the dark
and now i want a broken heart

i've got alibis for every crime
a sbustitute to do my time
'cause Your heart breaks enough on both our parts
so now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart
now i want a broken heart

Feeling a Little Funny

...i don't like it...

I am always on the verge of tears. I feel really overwhelmed and heavy...kind of depressed. I think its just because of all that is happening and about to happen in the next few weeks--all the work I have to do that I am not motivated to do, all the things I want to do before I leave but I am panicking about because I don't think I'll have time to do them all...

When I was younger and felt like this, I would tell my mom my "love tank" was empty. We would sit on the couch and talk...or I would cry and we would just snuggle. I miss it. Anyway...I think my love tank is empty...and I need a hug.

I'm trying to get my religion journals finished tonight. I'm not too far away...just unmotivated and REALLY distracted. I have had such a hard time focusing on my work. sigh.

I am up in lane in a classroom with a window facing the street. It has been raining and now the sun is coming out from behind the clouds--it is reflecting in the drops on the trees, making them look like they are dripping with gold. The new spring leaves are bright and fresh...it looks magical.

Last night I took a walk by myself. It was good to think. My brain is on overload, though--thinking all the time. so I called my parents and talked to them while I sat on a bench in the quad. It was wonderful. Around 10 a bunch of us played capture the flag. It was so much fun...I love my friends so much. sigh.

Alright. I'm going to try to study some more. Oh wait. One more quick thought. Today in Church pastor Kyle referred to the verse in Hebrews about running the race and running for the joy set before. I had such a hard time focusing in Church (partly because I was so sleepy) and I felt really bad about being in such a thoughtful mood because I was so distracted...but this part of his sermon really captured me. So all day now I've been thinking about that--running (living) for the joy set before me. I've been doing a pretty awful job of it. I've really lost focus--in so many ways. I haven't been claiming my time. Anyway, all this to say I felt really convicted and realized how weak I am. Do you ever feel like you are struggling with the Arms of Grace? I guess its kind of like wrestling with God. I sort of feel like I have been wrestling with the Arms of Grace. Not that it is a bad thing. I think it is good. But sometimes I feel like I am making things hard on myself by not fully relying on grace--by not giving up my pride. Hmmm. Perhaps I'm learning the meaning of "when you are weak, then you are made strong"...I don't know. I'm in the middle of a lot of "big" things and it is a good place to be but I just feel so overwhelmed and exhausted. Sort of like I'm falling a part. Like I said, my love tank is empty.

I am sad about leaving but I am really feeling like I need a break. I need to think. I'm looking forward to summer...working, thinking, reading, traveling.

Lastly, I wish I could really tell you guys how much I love you. I love you a whole lot--including all your unique gifts an weird quirks :)

Sigh

The Honeymooners!!

Kristen and Jay are back from Spain and finally emailed me some pictures! They are pretty much the cutest married couple I know :) Enjoy!!

On Beautiful Days Like Today...

...I am in awe of the Lord...and at rest in His love.

I have felt really weird lately...sad, hurt, overwhelmed, tired (physically and emotionally). There's just a lot going on and a lot I'm learning.

Thinking on and wrestling with Psalm 51:6 "Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart." I love the intimacy of this verse. God is at work in me in ways others are unaware of...in ways I am even unaware of. In MY inward being and MY secret heart he is at work.

I guess I just feel kind of alone right now...going through stuff that no one else really understands. And that's ok, its just hard.

I Need A Hug...

Full Assurance of Hope

As I look ahead to what the future holds--the next few weeks, the end of the semester, the summer, the fall, next school year, etc. I often find bits of lingering doubt and uncertainty in my mind and heart. As I battle for truth and full assurance in the promises of God, I recognize that I am so weak and so incapable of anything on my own. In one instant, I will be looking boldly at what God is planning for me ahead; in another, I will feel afraid, "what if I am not good at linguistics? What if I am not really supposed to go into Bible translation?"
My life and my mind have been a jumbled mess of all these conflicting thoughts and emotions. I am learning to praise God for the grace he has provided me in the past and look forward to the future grace he is going to provide. It is not an easy thing to learn. It is very difficult, actually. I often find my weak and sinful will trying to control my thoughts and emotions, leading me to places where I am confused and exhausted. So I must pray and remember that my help comes from the Lord. I am realizing more and more each day how incredibly helpless I am--able only to wait on the Lord...to be still and know that HE is God...to hope in the full assurance of His love, His grace and His faithfulness.
I don't really know what the next step is. I wait. I wait with the Lord. Meanwhile redeeming the time, so that my last few weeks here are full and rich and spent wisely--loving the Lord and loving my friends. He might seem silent to me now, but I am learning that it is just a time of waiting. It seems fairly evident that he wants me to be in stillness and quiet, trusting that He will provide and that His timing is perfect.
Here are a few quotes I have come across lately that have been great encouragement and instruction...

"The most fundamental fight of the Christian life is to keep on being satisfied with God. When you look up, to keep on feeling love for the glory of his name. When you look forward, to keep on feeling hope in the greatness of his promises.
Is there a diligence in the Christian life? Is there an earnestness? Is there a fight and a struggle and a zeal and a passion? Yes. But the direct focus of that earnestness is not first on certain behaviors but on God--maintaining the assurance of hope in God and the sweetness of love for his name. All other obedience is a second commandment. And if second things become first things, we may have a rigorous religion, but we will not have evangelical, God-centered, biblical Christianity."
-John Piper

"We are chosen by God, loved by God, forgiven by God, accepted by God, indwelt by God, guided by God, protected by God, strengthened by God—and God is more important than anyone else in the universe. We do not have to feel vulnerable or insecure. We do not have to be self-justifying or self-defensive or self-pitying. We can be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to anger, as James says (James 1:19). We can be like Paul who said, "When we are reviled, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure; when we are slandered, we try to conciliate" (1 Corinthians 4:12-13)."
-John Piper

"It is possible for Christians--even those who have drunk for decades at the spring of God's grace--to slowly wander away from the fountain of life. It is possible even in the ministry--the water-carrying business--to stop going back to the spring and settle for pools and puddles down the hill."
-John Piper

"Father, make of me a crisis man. Bring those I contact to decision. Let me not be a milepost on a single road; make me a fork, that men must turn one way or another on facing Christ in me."
-Jim Elliot

That's all for now!...I am thoroughly enjoying springtime in Michigan. The trees are budding and the daffodils are blooming all over the place! It is such a beautiful world :) It is somewhere around 71 degrees outside and I am in the library sitting by a window trying to study. I am skipping classes because i have a really bad cold. I wanted to take the time to catch up on all the work I didn't do while Luke was here--and then take a nap. I have such a stuffy nose and have been coughing so hard I'm pretty sure one of my lungs will pop out soon. gross. My arms feel like they do after I get a shot...weak and sore, numb and kind of limp. Weird. At least the beautiful spring weather is able to cheer up my sick body...and just cheer me up all around. Sigh. I love it. I want to go for a walk. hmm. Maybe I'll do that this afternoon...

Come Ye Sinners

One of my all time favorite songs done by Indelible Grace. It is so beautiful. I'm learning the truth behind the words: "If you tarry 'til you're better, You will never come at all", "All the fitness He requireth Is to feel your need of Him" and "Venture on Him; venture wholly, Let no other trust intrude." These are wonderful words of truth and encouragement for times like this.



"Come, ye sinners, poor and wretched,
Weak and wounded, sick and sore;
Jesus, ready, stands to save you,
Full of pity, joined with power.
He is able, He is able;
He is willing; doubt no more.

Come ye needy, come, and welcome,
God's free bounty glorify;
True belief and true repentance,
Every grace that brings you nigh.
Without money, without money
Come to Jesus Christ and buy.

Come, ye weary, heavy laden,
Bruised and broken by the fall;
If you tarry 'til you're better,
You will never come at all.
Not the righteous, not the righteous;
Sinners Jesus came to call.

Let not conscience make you linger,
Nor of fitness fondly dream;
All the fitness He requireth
Is to feel your need of Him.
This He gives you, this He gives you,
'Tis the Spirit's rising beam.

Lo! The Incarnate God, ascended;
Pleads the merit of His blood.
Venture on Him; venture wholly,
Let no other trust intrude.
None but Jesus, none but Jesus
Can do helpless sinners good."

News About Moody

So...I have been waiting and waiting for the letter...and it went to our house in AZ!! ugh!! I was SURE it was coming here. Alas. I am in for the spring semester and on a waiting list for the fall semester. I am 11th on the list and they usually accept anywhere from 10-25 from the list. So i have a REALLY good chance of getting in for the fall semester. If I don't, I will probably just go home for the semester and work...and earn lots of money (maybe think about buying a car). the frustrating part is that I might not find out for a while. The first notice date is June 1st, then mid July, then by the latest Aug. 1st. Sigh...I am learning to trust the Lord and lean on His sovereignty and supremacy. It is such a joy and a hope to know that He is in complete control. I appreciate all of your prayers and ask that you continue to pray for me as I think about wrapping up my time here at Hillsdale. Saying goodbye is not going to be easy...at all. God has brought me so far here and taught me so much about Himself (and myself) through my experiences here. I kind of feel like I am leaving a little part of me behind...well, I am. And I am leaving a little part of me with my friends. I continue to be excited and amazed at all God is doing. "Lead on, O King Eternal."

"The harvest is plentiful, but the laborers are few, therefore pray earnestly to the Lord of the harvest to send out laborers into his harvest." Matthew 9:37, 38

World population
6.5 billion

Programs in progress in languages without
adequate Scripture 1,640

Languages currently spoken in the world
6,912 (current Ethnologue, 15th edition)

Languages that need Bible translation
2,529

Languages that have Scripture
2,377; of these, 422 have an adequate
Bible, 1,079 have an adequate New
Testament, and 876 have at least one
book of the Bible.

Number of people without any Scripture
272 million

The Mystery of Love

"The two were sitting side by side, sad and crushed, as if they had been washed up alone on a deserted shore after a storm. He looked at Sonya and felt how much of her love was on him, and, strangely, he suddenly felt it heavy and painful to be loved like that." (Crime and Punishment)

"But why do they love me so, when I'm unworthy of it! Oh, if only I were alone and no one loved me, and I myself had never loved anyone! None of this would be!" (Crime and Punishment)


I've been thinking a lot lately...about love. Mostly God has been teaching me how to love well. It's super hard. As I constantly fall down and am picked up by my merciful Savior, I begin to understand what a process it is.


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
I'd like to share a hymn. I find much strength and joy in this one...

SAVIOR, LIKE A SHEPHERD LEAD US
"Savior, like a shepherd lead us, much we need Thy tender care;
In Thy pleasant pastures feed us, for our use Thy folds prepare.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! Thou hast bought us, Thine we are.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! Thou hast bought us, Thine we are.

We are Thine, Thou dost befriend us, be the guardian of our way;
Keep Thy flock, from sin defend us, seek us when we go astray.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! Hear, O hear us when we pray.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! Hear, O hear us when we pray.

Thou hast promised to receive us, poor and sinful though we be;
Thou hast mercy to relieve us, grace to cleanse and power to free.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! We will early turn to Thee.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! We will early turn to Thee.

Early let us seek Thy favor, early let us do Thy will;
Blessèd Lord and only Savior, with Thy love our bosoms fill.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! Thou hast loved us, love us still.
Blessèd Jesus, blessèd Jesus! Thou hast loved us, love us still."