praying...when life is hard or confusing, and such

I appreciated reading Sarah's thoughts here about prayer this morning...

what i notice

On these oh-so-rainy fall days, this is what I notice and smile about...

the look in the eyes of a six-month-old learning to eat solid food.

and the relief found in the bottle when he's tired of that strange new stuff :)

a dinosaur raincoat

savored chocolate chips, melting in the hands of a 2 1/2 yr old who's potty training.

a six-year-old who does care about the puppy he (usually) hates because now she's sick.

clean sheets on a bed.

sharing secret whispers with a toddler.

the tickle monster.

pesto made with my garden basil--delightful.

excitement shared with others about trips and travel.

puppy cuddling.

fall knitting.

boots for splashing in puddles.

an eleven-year-old who thinks she's sixteen.

browsing through Food & Wine in the late afternoons at work.

the feel of deep-down cares and concerns not lost or forgotten...but...dormant?

conversations with mom about who I am (and who I'm becoming).

vanilla chamomile tea after work.

candles burning.

small (and big) things my heart thanks God for; so much taken for granted.

and--last but not least--rain down the gutter when i'm falling asleep...

A Bucket List--of sorts

This isn't exhaustive, nor is it in any particular order. You might think some of them are strange. I'm ok with that :)

1. Take a photography class

2. Develop pictures in a dark room

3. Publish a piece of writing

4. Take a dance class

5. Participate in a bike race

6. Backpack a portion of the AT

7. Adopt

8. Really grow a garden (no more container garden crap)

9. Visit Isle Royale again

10. Tour a vineyard

11. Canoe the boundary waters

12. Learn wood stripping/refinishing

13. Work/volunteer (more) with refugees

14. Visit a refugee camp

15. Involve myself in advocacy (someway/how)

16. Take another pottery class

17. Spend several days in a monastery

18. Draw/paint something to be proud of :)

19. Make what I can

20 Always: get out more

21. Go to Finland

22. Lead (co-lead) a church small group or Sunday school class

23. Travel/backpack around South America

24. Buy a fixer upper (and all the how-to's for fixing it up!)

25. Teach

26. Keep myself teachable

27. Volunteer with relief/disaster response

28. Have a family

29. Teach my kids to love the outdoors and to adventure

30. Travel up the coast of Maine

31. Visit Pearl Harbor

32. Give of myself for others every day

33. Never forget the needy

34. Never grow indifferent to those with "more than they need"

35. Never presume I don't need

36. Learn to live simply (but deeply)

37. Read to people who can't

38. Go on a hot air balloon ride

39. Visit Africa again

40. Never forget God is a God of presence

41. See Peter Mulvey and Jeffrey Foucault perform together in concert

42. Keep gratitude and humility close

43. Keep doing things that scare me

44. Learn to white water kayak

45. Live close to the earth (without that being weird, haha)

46. Read at least three new novels a year.

"Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and he will give you everything you need."

-Luke 12:31

Linking

I appreciated this short post about love and marriage this morning...

Sweaters and Smartwool Socks

Yep, it's that time of year. Time for sweaters and Smartwool socks. Today I stopped in at REI before picking C up from school. This has been a bad habit started this year because I have to get there a littler earlier for parking. Arg. Well, it's fun but I'm almost always tempted to think I need things I don't. Truth is, I went in today for something I did need: a new pair of Smartwool socks. Mine from last year have holes worn in them from excessive wearing [yes, I do live in Chicago where it is winter 6 months of the year]. Needless to say, I have a few that needed retiring. SO, I went in and to my very pleasant surprise they had some on SALE. And, they also had a host of winter hats on clearance (don't know why...we're only barely beginning to move into those impending 6 months). So I got a super cute Southwestern-y looking beanie for $5.50. Steal of a deal. It will be just perfect for our Grand Canyon trek over Thanksgiving. Oh yes, did I tell you?? Mom, Dad, Luke, Jake and I will be spending three nights in the GC (Havasupai Falls area, to be exact) in November. Wahoo. I can hardly wait. It's going to be just so beautiful.

So here I am--toasty toes--sippin' on Honey Ginsing tea fighting the sniffles and sneezes, thankful for a night in. I have some things to do...a few projects, some writing, some organizing. I just got through listening to this Piper sermon and want to pass it along. It was "right-on" as far as things I needed to hear and be reminded of. Hope you're able to log away 4o min or so to listen to it sometime. Please do.

kind of fantastic

Luke and I have been on an Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros kick as of late. Found this tonight...

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros "Home" from Edward Sharpe on Vimeo.

Someday!

Someday I hope to have a garden that produces like this one--Mom and Dad's! They've put in a lot of work and have quite the harvest to show for it. Isn't it beautiful?! Seriously. I love it. This sort of thing gets me antsy for life somewhere outside of city where there's even just a small plot of dirt to grow...

I panic, sometimes

I usually get to this time of year--the turning of summer into fall--with a bit of panic alongside. I live in the city but so much of fall happens "out there." Will I miss it? This usually depends on what kinds of trips I can plan for out-of-city adventuring while fall sets in. I don't have any planned this year. Hence, the panic. I don't want to miss it. I don't want to miss the leaves aflame and the smell of the earth turning over--air that's ripe with the smell of living things leaving for awhile.

This morning I'm thinking that I need to make sure I find places to go out of the city when fall is at it's most beautiful. Apple orchards and pumpkin patches. Fields and forests turning all my favorite shades of yellow, orange, red, and brown. The thing about fall is, it's usually gone before we know it. That's part of it's beauty. It never sticks around long enough for us to get sick of it (although who could, even if it did) like the long, dark, wet days of city winter do. They tend to stick around long past their welcome. [side note: it has come to my attention, however, that my aversion to winter is really an aversion to "city winter," which is another breed of animal altogether. i can understand that it is different than winter "out there" where there's snow to play in and woods to explore; porches for sitting and all those winter sports that still seem extremely foreign. i'm determined to snow shoe this winter...]

"It's only prides hunger for perfection that paralyzes a heart, keeps us enslaved to fear."

-Ann Voskamp

Piloting

The word has to do with the navigational handling of a ship--"near land using buoys, soundings, landmarks, etc..."

Luke has me listening to Josh Garrels again. I don't like all his stuff but I've been enjoying his new album this week. Pilot Me, each time it comes on, strikes a chord in me for sure: "I will arise and follow you over/Savior please, pilot me..."

I'm reading my way through Ecclesiastes. Last night before bed I was thinking about the purpose/function/gift of relationship and community. I had read 4:9-12,

"Two people are better than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided chord is not easily broken."

So I got thinking about relationship for all these things: companionship and service, growth and transformation, health and well-being, protection and safety, warmth and closeness...

I'm more and more convinced that relationship is a remarkable (might I even say, miraculous) gift.

Not to say there aren't some hideous and twisted expressions of relationship (of all kinds) out there, but that those aren't the healthy, right or true. They are perversions of the healthy, right, and true. Some look there and say, "No way, I don't want to risk that happening." And I'm that person sometimes. But its wrong, you see. And to skip out of such a remarkable and wholesome experience in life would be to...miss out in profound ways on the gift God's given. Relationship. Community.

I guess we say, "I will arise and follow you over/Savior please, pilot me..." And we keep at it...we keep building our relationships; investing, loving, serving, praying...because two and three are stronger than one...

living days in faith, with hope

"Here is the world. Beautiful and terrible things will happen. Don't be afraid." -Frederick Buechner

up here [in northern michigan]

Up here, there are already pockets of color. A tree here and there splashing the endless green landscape with bright bits of red and orange and yellow. Autumn promises to come. I love Autumn.

Up here the sky meets the water in one huge canopy of blue.

Up here the air is fresh and unspoiled by oh so many cars, buses, and buildings.

I am glad to be up here...glad to be with family...glad to have "pillow talk" with Luker late into the night...anxious for everyone else to get in--Mom and Dad this afternoon, Jay, Kristen, and kiddos tomorrow evening. It's been a long time since we've all had a good chunk of time together. This is just lovely :)

been thinkin' on this

"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope is strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?...Only a real risk tests the reality of a belief." -C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Sandra McCracken "In Feast Or Fallow" acoustic

This is my favorite of her recent songs. I really love it. This morning--while stripping and painting my old dresser--I've been "rediscovering" old Derek webb, which has inevitably led me to some Indelible Grace and, finally, to his wife: Sandra McCracken. I'm sure I will always appreciate this couple's honest articulation of faith-life, deeply rooted in age old truths but never quiet or silent about where we find ourselves living daily, in each new era. She Must and Shall Go Free is an album I haven't listened to in a long while. It's a great album--truthful about living an understanding of Gospel that is difficult and beautiful; painful and pleasure-filled.

Anyhow, give the song a listening to. It's great :)

Back to the project!

two cuties

Sam and Ailey are so ridiculously cute. Beautiful kiddos--they make my heart hurt!!! Sappy, Auntie...I know. But true. Look at these two...

I think being an Aunt is one of my favorite things. Can't wait to see how these relationships grow over the years. Sigh. Looking forward to Michigan in 2 1/2 weeks!!

done.

i did it. i just enrolled for September's ESL/TESOL certification course. i'm doing it. whew.

i'm nervous.

ack!

and the possibility of getting a job with an organization like World Relief makes me really excited.

taking this step scares me a bit. but i've been saying i want to do something that scares me--something that stretches me and pushes me out of comfort zones; something i can't see to the end of but that i know is a worthwhile investment. goodness. life is so interesting these days, eh? :)

back in 2007

Re-reading old journals or letters is so...interesting. I usually learn things from my younger self. Sometimes I think, "gee, Andrea, you could learn that again you know." Other times I think, "i am so glad I don't think/live like that anymore!"

I just reread my stack of "Africa emails"--the updates I sent out to supporters, etc. Ha. I've grown up a lot since then. I'm grateful for that. When I look back like that I realize, again, what a journey life is. We truly do "travel through"...

Anyhow, I wrote this at the end of one of my final emails:

"Keep seeking the face of our incredible Lord. Remember, He is a great Savior for our great need. It is ok to need Him. Sometimes we need to stop trying so hard to be people that LOOK like Jesus and just need to live like we are...people who NEED Jesus."

I am pleased to be reminded of this again, now. It's true, isn't it? It's ok to need Him. Because we do. But sometimes we strive and strive to look like Him before we are free to need Him. That seems backwards. I catch myself trying to put myself together before approaching Him--even before admitting my need. How utterly preposterous. Ridiculous. In the end, I'd prefer to remember that I can go to Him all messy and such--all needy. Because He's bigger than my big need. Hmm. I somehow "knew" that in 2007 but the Andrea of 2011 needs to hear it still. I have a great need. I have a great Savior. This has grown more nuanced for me through the years, but no less true. I need Him. I do.

And i have a feeling life will keep reminding me of this, year after year after year.

family time

I'm getting SO ridiculously excited for family time up north. Mom has divided us into "cooking teams" so she doesn't get stuck in the kitchen (and so everyone has equal opportunity to spend time with the little ones). That momma--she's a thinker! So, Hannah and I are on for night one and I've been looking through some favorite blogs, etc., searching for the right recipe. I think I've found it...

Bourbon Orange Coriander Barbecue Sauce

I know I can't speak too soon BUT, Joy the Baker always comes through. Did I ever mention I made these for Lacy's birthday? They were...uh-mazing.

Are you getting jealous? Wishing you could join the Childs' (plus a few) for a WHOLE WEEK in the north country?? Who wouldn't be :)

Augusts 1st??!

How is it already AUGUST?! Seriously. The summer has absolutely flown.

Whew, today was quite a day. Full of disobedient and disrespectful children. It has entirely worn me out. On days like today I think, "how did I get here? how is it that i am involved (rather intimately) in the raising of these children?--these children that are not my own." The thing is, I love these children. I do. But that doesn't mean that I don't have these hard days. I'm sure I'm just being prepared (again) for motherhood. The difference for me now is that these aren't my own. Therein lies the challenge. And therein, too, lies the mystery of my deep love for these little ones. Sigh. Nannying is a sticky situation...clearly.

The point is, I had a bad work day. It was long. It was exhausting. The small boys that I normally enjoy so much were rather rotten and, well, downright rude. I didn't want to be around them. I didn't want to be patient. I didn't want to listen to moaning, whimpering or complaining. I wanted to go home. And cry. Because sometimes the buildup gets heavy and the final "all you ever are is mean!" or "can you leave now?" just get to me--it kinda hurts. I want to yell right back, "are you kidding?! Me?! MEAN?! to YOU? Do you know how patient I am?! Do you know how hard I try?! Do you know the ways I serve you??!" Hmm. I'm sure there is a lesson here, I'm just too tired to 1. really notice it 2. articulate it.

In other news, I'm reading A Grief Observed. I just reread A Great Divorce and found it, again, to challenge and inspire some of my my ideas of lasting things--namely, the High Country. Needless to say, I'm enjoying Lewis. What's your summer reading?

Also, I want to acquire new skills. This might sounds cheesy or strange but it shouldn't. In the vein of the pottery class I took last fall, I want to do something like it again. I don't know what, yet, but I'm thinking. I sort of want it to be a hobby. Haha. Ok, this is sounding kind of weird and pathetic. I'll share more once these ideas are developed...

oh yeah! I was going to say, I've been groovesharking Fernando Ortega for weeks now. I really like him. Tonight i heard Light of Heaven and copied the chorus into my journal because, well, it just seems a good prayer for praying...

Light of Heaven

Lord of Mercy

Shine the goodness

of your love upon this day

Till we see you

Till we know you

Till the sorrow and the darkness

fade away

Fade away