Sunday, November 29, 2009

taking a break

...from paper writing, that is. i'm working on my elie wiesel paper now--the holocaust and memory. good topic but i get brain blocks when writing papers i really care about and want to learn from. eh, it will get done. it's my only project for today.

i was going to go to trader joe's since i have little fresh food in the apartment but its been raining all day. walking 30 minutes in the rain doesn't sound like a good idea when i've been coughing all morning.

i'm feeling a little bummed about not being home for the "christmas decorating." not that i have been for the past several years...for some reason i really would love to this year. yesterday i walked by a christmas tree lot and suddenly really missed picking out the tree with mom and dad--mom and i caring; dad and luke really not. haha. those are some good memories.

i've decided to "remedy" this homesick-for-traditions feeling by listening to christmas music while writing my paper. i don't know if it is helping or making me miss home more. current favorites: "come thou long expected Jesus," "o holy night," "o come, o come, emmanuel," "once in royal david's city." sung by such artists as sufjan, griffin house, over the rhine, derek webb, and others, i'd say this playlist is pretty darn good.

didn't go to church this morning. instead listened to a matt chandler sermon on "the art of remembrance." i thought it would push me into my paper writing. there's so much that surrounds this issue of memory/remembrance. it's very intriguing to me.

want to see some recent pictures of Sam? here are some from thanksgiving...i wasn't with them but kristen sent some pictures.
Becky (Jay's mom) gave Sam his christmas present early so she could be there to watch the assembly:

cute families! this is Jay's sister and husband...and sam's little cousin zavier.

i spent thanksgiving with melissa and her family in the suburbs. it was really wonderful to take a breather from school. i love her family more than i can tell. they are amazing. her dad is just wonderful. anyway, mel and i spent good time together and even got some homework done :)

Saturday, November 28, 2009

what my heart is missing

watch this: amadou et mariam
(not that i was here exactly but you get the idea...similarities in sights and sounds)

sometimes i "forget" that i spent 6 months in a place so rich and beautiful. only because it's worlds away from me here. lately i've been thinking about it more...praying that God would so engage my heart with the world again while i remain here for awhile--at least some refreshed passion and vision. we ought never grow dull to the world. and i don't ever want to forget what that experience contributed to who i am becoming.

anyway. enough of the nostalgia, eh? back to the paper-writing!!

Friday, November 27, 2009

back again.

my back has been hurting more than usual this semester. i can't decide if it is stress or if something is "wrong" again.
it's been about 5 years since i've been out of the back brace. sometimes i can't believe it's been that long--that time was so "traumatic" to live through but now its such a part of the past. weird how that works, isn't it? anyway, i have an appointment and x-rays at Christmas. so if you think of it, i'd appreciate prayer. I'm not too worried because if surgery were needed i think i would feel it more. but you never know. sometimes i let my worries wander and i kind of get nervous. just be praying that A. things will be fine B. if anything isn't fine, it will be minor and i can just do exercises or something to remedy it.

anyhow, i appreciate prayer. thanks guys!

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

there is little else as wonderful as being an aunt

i think i have the cutest nephew ever. and another nephew/niece on the way--check out the cute baby belly!! :)

Sunday, November 22, 2009

food for thought

weekends FLY BY. can i get an amen?? whew.
i've been chipping away at this Holocaust paper. sometimes it is hard for me to write papers i really care about. it shouldn't be that way, it seems, but it is. bummer. i find myself wrestling in the thoughts of elie wiesel--this is really difficult for me sometimes. hm.

i read Deut. 8 on Friday. wow. i've been thinking about my tendency to construct idols; to grip them; to love them; to be disappointed by them. and i've been faced with the truth of God's faithfulness, despite my own UNfaithfulness. needless to say, this has all been really necessary and really difficult to face right now. incredible to live before a God who remains true in some of life's most trying circumstances. this is the God of provision--manna, water, guidance...

i talked to hallie today for the first time in a long time. it was good for my soul.

i spent some time sifting through old blog posts. i've had this thing since 2004. crazy. it's funny reading old entries. it also gives a neat perspective on the last four+ years.

in reading some old entries, i came across a few quotes that happen to strike a cord in my heart tonight. so here they are (and with them, I will leave you...good night):

"The house of my soul is too small for you to come to it. May it be enlarged by you. It is in ruins: restore it. In your eyes it has offensive features. I admit it, I know it; but who will clean it up?" -St. Augustine.

“Then the lion said--but I don’t know if it spoke--You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desparate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. The first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peal off....Then he caught hold of me--I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on--and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment....and after a bit the lion took me out and dressed new clothes...” –The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

Saturday, November 21, 2009

for $6.06

today lacy and i went to the thrift store across from her work to go book hunting. this is what i found...all for $6.06...

The Chosen-Chaim Potok
Davita's Harp-Chaim Potok
I Am the Clay-Chaim Potok
Israel: An Echo of Eternity--Abraham Heschel
The Town Beyond the Wall-Elie Wiesel
Night-Elie Wiesel
Hinds' Feet on High Places (thinking of you, Hallie)-Hannah Hurnard
and two other (random) beautiful hardcovers that i am tearing apart for projects...

WHOPPING DEAL, right?! I know some of you are thinking "she already has those books," and it's true (about most of them, not all of them), but books make such good gifts: birthday, christmas, or "just because."

we then walked to Powell's Bookstore where I found Wiesel's Trial of God for $5. Definitely worth investing in, so i snatched it up (the copy I currently have will need to go back to the public library soon anyway).

successful ventures. now it's time to immerse myself in wiesel's work so i can get started on this paper!

Friday, November 20, 2009

a week ago

a week ago tonight erin, michelle, amy, and i went to evanston for a david wilcox concert. tonight jay and kristen are seeing him in concert in virginia.
it was a good show. as much as i prefer peter mulvey, i really do enjoy his stories and appreciate his lyrics. he's full of delight, hope, true expressions of sorrow and loss, and a good amount of laughter. his songs reflect a lot of "real life" and i like that. the simple ins-and-outs of our days...

last night mariah and i were finally able to catch up. whew--about time! I'm going to drive out to las cruces for a day over christmas vacation. i look forward to it so much.
last night i was sitting at my desk and took a few minutes to look at the pictures i have hanging up. there's the one of zach, mariah, and i in colorado this summer, taken at sunset up on the mountain behind the cabin. those were a sweet few days. i was reminded how beautiful those days were: talking, listening, dreaming, praying, sitting. i hope for more times like that. they are remarkable moments of true joy. and yet they are so simple. sometimes the simple things are the best things.

there is also the picture of mark, hannah, and i at ELC this summer. i love looking at this picture because its a recent shot of the three of us, reminding me that we've been friends for a long time (going on 9 years. wow). and we're still friends. we aren't able to spend a lot of time together--we live in such different and far-away places--or even talk all that often...but when we DO talk and ARE able to spend time together, it's easy, and comfortable, and oh so wonderful. i look forward to a couple days of it at christmas.

tomorrow i'm going with lacy to the thrift store across the street from her work. they are clearing out a lot of their used books (at 25 and 50 cents!) and so we are going to scour and dig around for treasure-books. i can't wait. she bought me two elie wiesel books the other day: One Generation After and Legends of Our Time. i was so happy.

you know how people sometimes decide to "study" a person? They usually end up reading everything (or at least a great deal) that person wrote, etc. well, I've been thinking about how much I would really like to "study" Elie Wiesel and Chaim Potok. Maybe it's just because I'm sort of simmering in Jewish and Holocaust study right now but a) I love books by these two authors and b) I find each of them rather intriguing and compelling. I read The Trial of God (Wiesel) last week, as you know, and am currently making my way through his book From the Kingdom of Memory: Reminiscences. It's really. good.

sorry my entries have been miles long lately. i should probably try to keep them shorter.
tip for the day--go grab a good book and get reading!! If you need ideas, read Night/Dawn/Day trilogy by Elie Wiesel or My Name is Asher Lev and/or Davita's Harp (my favorite) by Chaim Potok.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

faith was different then

you know those moments that take you back? i got out of class early and decided it was time to organize my desk and do the dishes. something about being sick makes me want things to be in order--i think having a clean space to live in somehow helps me feel better about life even though my body seems to hate me. anyhow, i put on some old-school caedmon's call. I know, right. haven't listened to them in awhile. and all of a sudden "Lead of Love" started playing and i was hit with a million-and-one memories.

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

this song takes me back to high school: driving to and from school or to and from my job at Marie Calendars; living with a back brace that i thought meant the end of my life. it takes me back to hillsdale: walking up the hill to classes, sitting in the arboretum, my familiar spot in the lower level of the library by the corner windows. somehow that song did a lot to booster a faith that faltered and failed...a lot. while i was listening to it just now i was overwhelmed to realize what a different faith i have now. not that it's content has changed drastically or anything like that--but there is the realization that as life grows, faith grows: it's expression; it's obstacles. God has been gracious to preserve my small faith through some significant changes, doubts, questions, and learnings.

this has been a hard semester. i find myself praying that christmas break will provide time to rest in the quiet presence of the God i love. what weak, poor love I have to give and yet somehow that's ok because it is everything i can give. my heart is full of questions, yearnings, doubts, and securities. when i stand facing the One before whom everything rises and falls, i find myself holding only this weak love.
take our weak love, God.
thank you for taking our weak love.
thank you even more for giving us your strong love.

Read this before bed last night and felt silently secure in the midst of a general weariness:
"Listen this day for the groans and yearnings of your world,
listen to our own songs of joy and our own drudges of death,
and in the midst of our stammering,
speak your clear word of life
in the name of your word come flesh.
amen." -walter brueggemann

Sunday, November 15, 2009

from the couch

sometimes its hard to believe in a God we don't understand. things happen in life--to us or to those we care about--that don't make sense. they come at us out of nowhere.
life doesn't ask permission. life isn't polite. sometimes life is so very, very, unashamed.

and yet somehow we wouldn't have it any other way. we need a God that we don't understand. a God that is bigger than life when it doesn't ask permission, isn't polite, and is relentlessly unashamed. even the God that we don't understand compels us to pray for faith we don't have; strength we cannot muster; hope we dare not imagine.

be our biggest God. above the other gods. the gods of fear and doubt and distrust. steal away our false gods that promise fake support and empty hope. be our biggest God.
you are our biggest God.

and when this life steals all our words, stifles our prayers, and threatens to quench our faith, it is a beautiful thing to walk side by side. who will sit with you in silence, pray your worn-out-prayers for you, and uphold your faith with her own? it's important to be near each other. i'm reminded of the words of bebo's song:

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

we pray. provide people to walk beside us when our faith is hard to find. there are those who are facing life raw right now. we've heard that you are Upholder; Healer; Shelter; Friend. reveal yourself as these. you are the giver of life. we pray for new life. in the meantime we also hope for new normals--life back to "the way it was" before the news, the choice, the to live again.

i like sundays

saturday feels like the end of the week and monday definitely feels like the beginning...

sunday is kind of this remarkable little "gem" of a day that doesn't quite seem to fit at the beginning or the end. it is what it is.
i like that.

hope you are enjoying your sunday.

Friday, November 13, 2009

i just found out that our spring play is The Trial of God. ummm. wow.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

the hidden God

“One night the teacher took Wiesel back to his own barracks, and there, with the young boy as the only witness, three great Jewish scholars—masters of Talmud, Halakhah, and Jewish jurisprudence—put God on trial, creating, in that eerie place, ‘a rabbinic court of law to indict the Almighty’” (Introduction vii).

On Tuesday I finished reading The Trial of God, by Elie Wiesel. It is his depiction of the event he witnessed years ago in the concentration camp. “For years Wiesel lived with the tension and dilemma of that memory, pondering how to communicate its despairing solemnity” (Introduction, vii). He finally chose to write it as a play. It is a remarkable work. I can’t really express what an incredible, vivid, and stunning work it is—different than any of his other works that I have read (Night, Dawn, Day). It is difficult and gripping.

I won’t give away the story line. I want you to read it. As thinking human beings (generally) and as responsible Christians (specifically) I think it is necessary for us to wrestle with the issues raised in this book. We all have questions about God—many of the “hard” and “messy” ones arise from experiences of suffering or come from witnessing the trauma that fills this world. If we are to live for and believe in the redemption of the world (and it’s contents), this matters.

Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?

You can’t say you’ve never asked them—or, at least, thought them. I don’t believe I’m the only one that wrestles with loose ends and disfigured categories. Look at the world around us. Cry out to the God who IS.

On Wednesday we had a worship chapel and I struggled to sing choruses that pushed for happy praise and the expression of neat, proper worship for God. Maybe this was because I had, fifteen minutes prior, walked out of my “Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil” class having just watched a documentary on the concentration camps. I have never watched such graphic, live footage. Dr. McDuffee challenged us to consider (a) how such atrocities can be committed by men (some that claim to know God) and (b) how this can happen in front of God—can we know anything of His response?

I’d just like to share a few quotes from the play that hit me hard.

“…I’ll yell for truth all by myself! I’ll howl words that have been howling inside me and through me! I’ll tear off all the masks of Him whose face is hidden! With or without an attorney present, Your Honor, the trial will take place!” (103).

“You are using images, let me add mine. When human beings kill one another, where is God to be found? You see Him among the killers. I find Him among the victims” (129).

“You would like to hear the victims? So would I. But they do not talk. They cannot come to the witness stand. They’re dead…I implore the court to consider their absence as the weightiest of proofs, as the heaviest of accusations. They are witnesses, Your Honor, invisible and silent witnesses, but still witnesses! Let their testimony enter your conscience and your memory! Let their premature, unjust deaths turn into an outcry so forceful that it will make the universe tremble with fear and remorse!” (129).

“You can force yourself to accept sadness, not joy” (145).

“Just? How can anyone proclaim Him just—now? With the end so near? Look at us, look at Hanna, search your own memory: between the Jews who suffer and die, and God who does not—how can you choose God?” (157).

Well, dear reader, do you feel the questions now?
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?

Obviously (but not so obvious to many, it seems) these questions hold great implication for all people everywhere, all over the world, and in any time.

The Afterword for Wiesel’s book is by Matthew Fox and is artfully titled, “The Trial of God, The Trial of Us.” His articulation and integration of the contents of Wiesel’s book is very good. I’d like to share a few things that he writes…

“Because the Jewish Biblical tradition teaches that humanity is made ‘in the image and likeness of God,’ to put God on trial is to put humanity on trial, and to put humanity on trial is to put God on trial. ‘All our names for God come from our understanding of ourselves’ warns Meister Eckhart. To put God on trial is to put on trial our understanding of ourselves, our ways of living in the world, of denying, of accusing, of projecting, of hating, and of loving…” (163).

“This play may be less about putting God on trial than about putting our uses and abuses and projections of God on trial…Not only is a one-dimensional idea of God erased in the play, but so, too, is a one-dimensional notion of evil, and even Satan himself, eliminated” (171).

Finally, and I will leave you with this last quote because this is long and I fear I may have lost some of you already. But I hope not…

“This play does not only arouse our capacity for judging God and our notions of God and judging ourselves; it also goes deeper than judgment. It touches awe and wonder, freedom and guilt, creativity and compassion, humor and paradox. It leads us into the realms of the spirit more deeply than interminable rational debate about the divine nature could ever lead us. It leads us to the experience of spirit, not only to its critique. It takes us beyond words, to the holy sanctuary of sorrow. It disturbs as the spirit so often disturbs” (165).

This is an “issue” worth pursuit, study, prayer, hope, question, and humility. There is more I want to say and wish I could say but don’t really know how. I always feel like this subject is too big to bring up. But it must be brought up. I always feel inadequate to talk or write about it when the seams of my own heart are bursting with questions. There remain the loose ends and disfigured categories…and so we are left sitting in discomfort and wonder. I hope such a position will, ultimately, drive us to the feet of the hidden, elusive One.

(Wiesel, Elie. The Trial of God. New York: Schocken, 1979).

Monday, November 09, 2009

i need a break.

Today was pretty much a terrible day. I don’t usually have “bad days,” I think I always point to the redeeming qualities in an effort to realize that things are never as bad as they could be…which is ok some of the time but then there are days after which you just want (and probably need) to say, “that sucked.” Today was one such day. Last week was a pretty awful week in general and I thought the weekend would push me into a fresh week with a new beginning. Today kind of blew that hope out. It just sucked in a whole lot of ways. I don't need to name them all—and you probably don’t care to listen to them all. But to top it all off, the boy I nanny (he’s four) decided today was one of the days he hates me. These come up from time to time but he’s been getting bolder in his pronouncements of hatred and dislike. Sure, it’s done in a 4-year-old kind of way but it can still be hurtful and I have a hard time not allowing it to make me feel like crap. He misses his old nanny, which is understandable, and I tell him he’s allowed to and that’s normal…but I draw the line at the hate talk, letting him know that it definitely hurts my feelings. Today he went so far as to say, “I even wish I had a gun so I could shoot you!” On top of a previously crappy week and a fairly awful Monday, his words almost made me cry. Then I thought about how it must feel for parents when their kids (especially once older!) say terrible and hurtful things to them…I hate you; you are the worst parents ever; I want new parents…you’ve probably used some of these phrases so need I say more?
I miss home. I want to curl up on the couch by the big windows and watch the clouds in the huge open sky. The sad thing is, that couch no longer sits in front of the big windows. That house isn’t home anymore. My parents have moved and going home will be a little strange. Life seems to be changing so much this year—lots of transitions. Sigh.
My left eye has been twitching for a straight two days. If it wasn’t also a bit funny (I mean, seriously, every other person probably thinks I’m winking at him/her) I’d probably be tempted to yell—it’s super frustrating! My sister says it’s from stress. Bleh.
So when you are me and you go to the library, picking up a book you’ve been wanting to “pleasure read” probably isn’t the best idea when you have multiple pressing assignments on your plate. Needless to say, I am (as of today alone) 78 pages into *the trial of god* by Elie Wiesel. It is incredibly interesting, insightful, and hard to read. I’m sure it will be finished within the next few days. And I’m also sure I will devote one single post to the contents of the book alone. So…more on that to come. I like to keep my readers hooked ☺
Alright. Off to work on some Life in Bible Times so I can read some more before bed…
Also, it might seem like a dumb favor but could you be praying for me? I really want to be able to be a comfort and support to the kids…even if they hate me…but it’s hard. I’m just super discouraged right now.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

good finds and time to myself

i spent several hours at the Chicago Public Library this afternoon. It's been ages since I've been there and it felt good to go back. Is it weird so say that there are good memories there? I have never frequented the public library but i've gone a few times, and i don't know, it just brings back memories. mostly of 1st/2nd semesters.

while researching for my Holocaust paper, I made a few unexpected good finds: i copied a chapter out of Sallie McFague's book Speaking in Parables: A Study in Metaphor and Theology. The title of the chapter is Metaphor: The Heart of the Matter. It looks really good, I'm excited to read it. The book as a whole seems fascinating. One day when I have more time I might actually try to sit down and read all of it. I also copied a brief section out of Elie Wiesel's Memoirs on "God's Suffering." The sentence that jumped out on the first page: "God accompanies his children into exile." The next paragraph begins, "What happens to us touches God."

yesterday was a hard day. i felt sad all day. you know when sadness is deep and you can't just shake it? even well-meaning people can't provide the "distraction" necessary/desired. do you ever wonder why we try to distract ourselves from life's hard experiences (emotions, feelings, thoughts)? i do. lately I've been praying that God would help me live full before Him.

when i reflect on my time at moody (which i have been doing more of lately) i think about two things in particular: (1) how God has taught me about myself (this time really has been one of self-discovery) (2) how God has taught me about Himself (i don't even know what to say here. he has awakened me and opened my eyes to wonder at and see him in remarkably "new" ways) and (3) the people God has used to shape and impact me (some major and minor characters who have lived this story with me and changed me forever).

it seems like i've had lots of time to myself lately. i haven't, really, but it has felt that way because there's been time to listen to myself, talk to myself, and talk with God (when sitting in our living room or with friends, walking to the grocery store, riding the EL, walking across campus and in between classes, while trying to fall asleep at night). there seems to be times when conversation with God is both inevitable and unavoidable, don't you think?

i need to get my nose back in the books.
i'll leave you with a quote from The Genesee Diary that I read yesterday:
"In times of doubt or unbelief, the community can 'carry you along,' so to speak; it can even offer on your behalf what you yourself overlook, and can be the context in which you may recognize the Lord again." (Henri Nouwen)
do your best to surround yourself with a community that will challenge, push, prod, guide, and encourage you heavenward/homeward. and pray for those without such a community. pray for the expansion of this community...

from pete

i love this peter mulvey song...

Light A Fire
burn Up All You Know
you've Had
so Much Time Just To
let Things Go
now You're
burning Letters Out
in The Snow
in Your Backyard

years Go Rolling
you're Thirty Three
it's Time
for The Cross
or The Bodhi Tree
but You'd
like To Cry When You
skin Your Knee
man's It's Hard

and It's The Same Old Friends On New Years Eve
the Same Snow Falls On The Same Old Leaves
and There's The Same Old Joy And The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt

old Storm Windows,
the Broke-Tail Squirrel
and The
grocery Lists And The
skateboard Girls
and Your
rusty Brain Cells Give You A Twirl
oh No

kitchen Radio,
coffee's On
oh You'd
like A Month Just To Lean Up On
but This
open Road Wants To
get You Gone
off You Go

and It's The Same Old Jar Of Car Keys By The Door
the Same Old Scuffed Up Floor
the Same Old Thirst For More Until The Put You In The Dirt

it's The Same Old Nights Alone
the Same Old "baby When You Coming Home?"
to Feel The Same Old Joy, Oh The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
same Old Corduroy Shirt

Friday, November 06, 2009

thinking with tea

i think tea makes me think. or maybe i just tend to drink tea when i am in a thoughtful/reflective mood. sigh. i don't know. all i can say is, i am so glad it's the weekend. this week has felt like 100 years long. if i could, i would go for a long drive--get out of the city for awhile. sit under the bright blanket of stars. or in an open meadow. i feel pressed here. it kind of hurts. i feel a little worn out by life.

it's so full of choices, you know? it's full of a whole lot of choices. i've been reminded of something dr. de rosset said when we read The End of the Affair last year--that "there isn't anything glamorous about obedience." sometimes we make choices just because we feel like it's the right thing to do. but we aren't always ready for the results; the outcome. when we try to live honest to God, honest to ourselves, and honest to others, things don't always turn out comfortable (glamorous). i suppose we are meant to learn something in these moments. God, I hope we learn something in these moments.

a fireplace. that's it. i wish i could sit in front of a fireplace.

i've been doing some work today tracking down articles to read for the Theology of Suffering class I am a TA for in the spring. I've got three in line so far: "Soul-Making and Suffering" by John Hick, "Natural Evil and the Love of God" by Diogenes Allen, and "Horrendous Evils and the Goodness of God" by Marilyn McCord Adams.

one of my professors said the other day "pain is bad." i was really shocked. really. i just sat there. i mean, i feel pain right now. but i don't think i can, in my right mind, say it is "bad." and i believe God is somehow in our pain with us.

friends just showed up with pumpkin pie. yum.
i really feel pressed. i don't know what to do this weekend but i feel like i need to get out somehow. take a break and take some deep breaths.

we live God-haunted lives. sometimes his invisibility makes it hard for me to trust his immanence. round us out, God, and teach us to be patient in our learnings.

Monday, November 02, 2009

listening to "hey ya" by obadiah parker

this song makes me think of sarah, mariah, and lacy. i think because it brings back memories of the four of us--last semester traditions and even their visit a week ago. i miss them.

today was a strange day. do you ever have days that just feel unreal? are you ever stopped by the thought, "how did i end up here?" not in a bad way, just in a reflective way. i felt that way a lot today. it was a day full of moments in which i seemed to be looking in on my life from outside of it. am i crazy? do you ever feel this way??

today cameron tripped and cut his lip a little. the blood scared him, i think, and his screaming made me so sad! i spent a lot of the afternoon calming him down. we ended up building legos. i really love those kids. sometimes when i take care of them i feel like a mom. it sort of makes me smile. sometimes it makes me laugh.

i've been thinking about my time here. i have one more semester at moody. that's it.
this has been a good place.
God has done much in me here.

sometimes i think of this time like you might think of a cherished photograph. you know, the one that you tack above your desk or tuck away in a dusty old shoebox. you can always look at it with deep joy and firm gratitude as something reflective of an experience--a moment--that really changed you. i think i'll always look back on this time as beautiful and experience rather indescribable and somehow very formative.

sometimes i feel so old...
and life is different than what i expected.
that's ok. i'm glad it's different. i hope it always surprises me.
forced trusting.
He will break in again and again...
i hope it and i pray it, for life is too hard without His interruptions.
even though it is often His interruptions that seem so hard.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

i miss africa

lately i've been remembering things, sorting through old pictures, reading long-ago journal entries...and i miss Africa. i miss the people. i miss the land. i miss a lot of things about it. i can't help but wonder if or when i'll go back. the future seems to clouded sometimes. hmm.

just thinking out loud :)