Thursday, November 19, 2009

faith was different then

you know those moments that take you back? i got out of class early and decided it was time to organize my desk and do the dishes. something about being sick makes me want things to be in order--i think having a clean space to live in somehow helps me feel better about life even though my body seems to hate me. anyhow, i put on some old-school caedmon's call. I know, right. haven't listened to them in awhile. and all of a sudden "Lead of Love" started playing and i was hit with a million-and-one memories.

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

this song takes me back to high school: driving to and from school or to and from my job at Marie Calendars; living with a back brace that i thought meant the end of my life. it takes me back to hillsdale: walking up the hill to classes, sitting in the arboretum, my familiar spot in the lower level of the library by the corner windows. somehow that song did a lot to booster a faith that faltered and failed...a lot. while i was listening to it just now i was overwhelmed to realize what a different faith i have now. not that it's content has changed drastically or anything like that--but there is the realization that as life grows, faith grows: it's expression; it's obstacles. God has been gracious to preserve my small faith through some significant changes, doubts, questions, and learnings.

this has been a hard semester. i find myself praying that christmas break will provide time to rest in the quiet presence of the God i love. what weak, poor love I have to give and yet somehow that's ok because it is everything i can give. my heart is full of questions, yearnings, doubts, and securities. when i stand facing the One before whom everything rises and falls, i find myself holding only this weak love.
take our weak love, God.
thank you for taking our weak love.
thank you even more for giving us your strong love.

Read this before bed last night and felt silently secure in the midst of a general weariness:
"Listen this day for the groans and yearnings of your world,
listen to our own songs of joy and our own drudges of death,
and in the midst of our stammering,
speak your clear word of life
in the name of your word come flesh.
amen." -walter brueggemann

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