Monday, November 09, 2009

i need a break.

Today was pretty much a terrible day. I don’t usually have “bad days,” I think I always point to the redeeming qualities in an effort to realize that things are never as bad as they could be…which is ok some of the time but then there are days after which you just want (and probably need) to say, “that sucked.” Today was one such day. Last week was a pretty awful week in general and I thought the weekend would push me into a fresh week with a new beginning. Today kind of blew that hope out. It just sucked in a whole lot of ways. I don't need to name them all—and you probably don’t care to listen to them all. But to top it all off, the boy I nanny (he’s four) decided today was one of the days he hates me. These come up from time to time but he’s been getting bolder in his pronouncements of hatred and dislike. Sure, it’s done in a 4-year-old kind of way but it can still be hurtful and I have a hard time not allowing it to make me feel like crap. He misses his old nanny, which is understandable, and I tell him he’s allowed to and that’s normal…but I draw the line at the hate talk, letting him know that it definitely hurts my feelings. Today he went so far as to say, “I even wish I had a gun so I could shoot you!” On top of a previously crappy week and a fairly awful Monday, his words almost made me cry. Then I thought about how it must feel for parents when their kids (especially once older!) say terrible and hurtful things to them…I hate you; you are the worst parents ever; I want new parents…you’ve probably used some of these phrases so need I say more?
I miss home. I want to curl up on the couch by the big windows and watch the clouds in the huge open sky. The sad thing is, that couch no longer sits in front of the big windows. That house isn’t home anymore. My parents have moved and going home will be a little strange. Life seems to be changing so much this year—lots of transitions. Sigh.
My left eye has been twitching for a straight two days. If it wasn’t also a bit funny (I mean, seriously, every other person probably thinks I’m winking at him/her) I’d probably be tempted to yell—it’s super frustrating! My sister says it’s from stress. Bleh.
So when you are me and you go to the library, picking up a book you’ve been wanting to “pleasure read” probably isn’t the best idea when you have multiple pressing assignments on your plate. Needless to say, I am (as of today alone) 78 pages into *the trial of god* by Elie Wiesel. It is incredibly interesting, insightful, and hard to read. I’m sure it will be finished within the next few days. And I’m also sure I will devote one single post to the contents of the book alone. So…more on that to come. I like to keep my readers hooked ☺
Alright. Off to work on some Life in Bible Times so I can read some more before bed…
Also, it might seem like a dumb favor but could you be praying for me? I really want to be able to be a comfort and support to the kids…even if they hate me…but it’s hard. I’m just super discouraged right now.


the McGee family said...

They don't really hate you. I promise. If you were to leave for good, and they were to get a new nanny, then they would be saying how much they missed you and how much they hated the new one. Seriously. I am SURE that the old nanny has plenty of hate talk stories. Those kinds of things don't just spring up... They've been there. It sucks, tho. I am so sorry that you are having a hard time. I REALLY wish you could come here for Thanksgiving. :( I miss you.

the McGee family said...

I guess telling you that I want you to come here probably didn't make your day any better. Sigh. Sorry... I meant it as a way to say "I love you"

M. Perkins said...

1. The eye-twitch thing? Definitely stress. I've had it before. Also extremely irritating.

2. I sympathize.