Wednesday, August 19, 2009

life goes on.

listening to: "See You Soon" by Aaron Espe.

I'm tired of saying goodbye to people I love. Life is full of hard goodbyes. Sarah, Mariah, Kira, Phil, Duran, Callie, Rachel...these are the recent goodbyes that have taken a toll on me. I can't stop thinking about them, wishing them here with me or me there with them, remembering times shared, conversations had, dreams explored and wondered over. Someday...

In a lot of ways, though, it is good to be back. Living in Jenkins is an absolute huge blessing. I feel more like a "real" person (as Tiffany also articulated). We have a bathroom, a kitchen, a bedroom, and a living room. We can eat at a table and sit on a couch. I made black bean burritos and sauteed peppers; cooked oatmeal on the stove; took orange juice out of our refrigerator; made coffee on our kitchen counter. I count these things as a huge blessing 1. because i've never had them "on my own" before and 2. because much of the world doesn't experience or enjoy such luxuries. We're blessed here.

I have a picture hanging beside my desk of a young Burmese boy in a refugee camp out to get water. Zach took it in Bangladesh this summer. It has reminded me several times this week that 1. I haven't traveled out of the country in over two years 2. I have prayed many times for those children and in my heart i long to see them where they live someday. I've been thinking more about post-Moody "plans." In part because people have asked (after all, I am going into my final year...) and in part because I just dream. But I'm in a funny place in life right now...almost unable to dream. At least unable to commit to my dreams, which is different than in the past. God taught me some more about living in the present this summer. The hard, unashamed present. Knowing God there (here) and loving Him--living Him--is not easy. No, it's not very easy.

I'm stepping out of a painful and broken season into a whole new unknown season. Funny how life is lived in pieces, isn't it? Here I am, in Chicago, IL, with a bowl of oatmeal and a cup of warm green tea. Sometimes I'm caught in moments that demand I ask the question "how did I get here?" God's faithfulness has shown me the way. Even though its been hard to "feel" Him near, as I remember, look back, and question, He is faithful to show me glimpses of His glory all in-and-around me. I've said it before--I'm so tangled up in Him. He couldn't get rid of me if He tried :)

I'm overwhelmed by His goodness; His provision; His love and tender care. I've been given so much...and, perhaps above all, I have been given remarkable people to live and experience life with. Whether I'm with them for a month, two months, two years, or five...I am gifted. It is a pleasure to share life and live inside the beautiful church body. I have a new and growing love affair with the church. Derek Webb was onto something :)

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