rethinking some things

and rereading some of the semester's journaling. in doing so, came across this prayer i prayed on august 10, 2009. i find that it echoes the prayers of my heart here, now.

in least expected ways
you interrupt
you interrupt our worn out dreams
you provide refreshed excitement
in least expected ways
you interrupt
you show us new things to consider
-give us new dreams to dream
in least expected ways
you interrupt
you have provided
again
again
again
in least expected ways,
please interrupt.

these days at home are good. they are full and busy and i have not slept much. but i am enjoying my family and my friends to, i am convinced, the fullest :) and i look forward to quiet days in upper michigan in a few days.

tonight i'm grateful...

...for friends who say things to which my heart says, "yes, I feel that, too," and we can understand moments of life together.

what did she say? she said, "it's not an effortless trust to know that the hard things are also the good things when I am in the midst of them." I say, "that's so very true...and, God, help me to trust you deeper."

Christmas Reading

So, I'm taking advantage of Christmas break to get a jump start on some stuff for next semester--internship, directed studies, etc. I haven't been so excited about a break reading list in a looong time :) Check out these titles! Most of them (actually, all) have been ordered on Amazon (i got some GREAT deals!) and are being shipped home or to grandmas. I'll be coming back to school with a new mini library. I'm eager for what kind of learning next semester will bring. This semester was a little rough academically because many of my classes were just "to get them done" and fill the requirements. I so much prefer to take classes that i can engage with and grow eager over. Next semester offers several of those--including TWO directed studies. Somewhere along the lines I miscounted my Bible electives and need another. So I'm adding another directed study with Dr. Schmutzer on A Biblical Theology of Sin. It goes without saying that I am so very excited about this. Also, the directed study with Dr. Peterman is filled out and submitted--A Study of Jesus' Healing Ministry.

In case any of you are wondering what to read over break, here are a few titles that might catch your interest.

Bartov, Omer and Phyllis Mack. In God’s Name: Genocide and Religion in the 21st Century. New York: Berghahn, 2001.

Biddle, Mark E. Missing the Mark: Sin and its Consequences in Biblical Theology. Nashville: Abingdon, 2005.

Brown, Robert McAfee. Making Peace in the Global Village. Philadelphia: Westminster, 1981.

Goldingay, John. Walk On: Life, Loss, Trust, and Other Realities. Grand Rapids: Baker, 2002.

Power, Samantha. A Problem From Hell: America and the Age of Genocide. New york: Harper Collins, 2002.

Swinton, John. Raging with Compassion: Pastoral Responses to the Problem of Evil. Grand Rapids: Eerdmans, 2007.

rosie

rosie thomas is wonderful. she's great listening for the wintertime (and for writing papers and studying for finals). currently listening to: "say hello."
new band discovery: first aid kit. check them out. there's a video on their myspace that shows them playing in a forest in the leaves. ah, so beautiful.

it's monday. i made it. i leave for arizona on friday. whew, this semester has been an interesting one. only one more left--that's a little weird to think about.

this weekend i thought a lot about...
1. regret or "wishing things could be different" and what these thoughts/emotions mean, how they're motivated, what their purpose is...
2. the faithfulness of God displayed in His gentleness (when he knows we need it). My how patient he is. I have been so frustrated with myself recently. It seems like I always have to learn things the hard way--or, at least, the long way--and when it's all over, I wonder why I couldn't have just understood it in the first place, because now I can't go back to the way things were when I "needed" to know what I know now. do you ever feel this way? I match his patience with my impatience. i find myself praying that He would teach me something of his long-suffering self.
3. learning to distinguish between God's in-planted hopes, dreams, and emotions vs. my own, self-motivated hopes, dreams, and emotions (and where, if at all, there is overlap).
4. how to wait. how do we wait on the Lord? there aren't any easy-to-follow manuals on "how to wait for the Lord." so we just wait. sigh. i think i suck at waiting.

I had a lovely surprise this weekend.
On saturday Lacy and i spent the day together--my early "birthday day" since a bday during finals week is inconvenient. We did some christmas shopping and then she took me to 3rd Coast for dinner. After, she blind folded me and took me into a taxi...when she finally uncovered my eyes we were at the Joffrey to see the Nutcracker!!! Oh my goodness. So much fun. I've never seen a ballet before. it was beautiful. Best birthday surprise :)
Gosh, I can't believe i turn 23 tomorrow. sometimes i feel old.

on dreaming about mothering (among other things), part II

This is something of a tribute to mom’s raising their kids in “a foreign land,” namely, America. There are three women who have made it into my life in the past two years who I feel privileged to know. Each one is beautifully unique and different, though, in common, they all call Iraq “home.” In thinking of how I ought to describe them to you, I can’t come up with anything that does justice…

Hind is a beautiful wife and mom of two rather adorable children. She is gentle and sweet and keeps a gorgeous home. Rasha is spunky and honest—also a young wife and mother of two (with a third on the way!). Asra is shy and true, always smiling, even if her eyes betray her fatigue. She is a mother of three. All three of these women are diligent and hospitable hostesses. They are extremely hard working—hoping and dreaming for their families’ futures. If I am half the mother/wife these women are, I think I will be happy.

I am a terrible English teacher. I can officially admit this openly. There is little I can do for a few short hours once a week that will significantly improve their English—this is frustrating. But I guess I can be a friend, and help what little I can. Charity and I are virtually their only company once a week on Friday afternoon. I do love being a friend to these remarkable women. Sometimes I feel like they do insurmountably more for me than what I do for them.

I’d like to take some courses on teaching ESL, maybe a summer session with Oxford Seminars? We’ll see. I’ve been talking with my parents some more about stateside refugee work. They’ve gotten more involved in Tucson’s refugee community. It’s neat to see. Dad has been helping some of the men and women start home businesses (furniture making, crafts, upholstery). Today on the drive home from PCM (our weekly “teaching” of Rasha and Asra) I just cried. I kind of just “let God have it.” Not that I was angry with Him, but I don’t know who else to get frustrated about this with (I did end up calling mom). I love this family so much and all I want to do is see them succeed. I want to see them begin to enjoy life here. I want to see them find jobs, get the kids in the right schools, understand English enough so that they feel they can go out and be a part of the world outside the walls of that house.

There is a refugee ministry in Tucson that seeks to find families, churches, or small groups that will “adopt” refugee families. I’ve been thinking about this more myself—how much I want to adopt a family(/ies). More and more God gives me a love for people that wants to open a home to them—give my life to them. How much can “home and hospitality” be a ministry (?!), because sometimes I think I would be so pleased and content to work with the Lord in this way. How incredible to work teaching English, sharing home, watching kids (while the moms get out into the communities to learn, grow, and practice language learning), instructing home business skills (or simply finding outlets for already existing ones!). The world’s population of displaced is growing and so is my desire to see these families and communities succeed (on this side of the ocean and on the other—the needs are both the same and entirely different).

There is so much I wish I could talk to these women about. I want to talk faith and love; share life’s delights and frustrations; learn together; teach each other…We are able to do this to some extent, of course, but I mean carry on good, strong, deep conversations. I’m starting to pray that some way, some how, I will have access to a car next year so that I can keep up with them (you can pray, too!). Or maybe I’ll have to scout out the obscure public transit possibilities for getting to that side of town. Sigh. Life is beautiful, yeah? This world is full of so many different people, leading different kinds of lives…but really; we’re all the same, living the same kind of life. Hmph. In moments like this I sort of feel God smiling because of us.

recall

writing is, for me, therapeutic. i just write. it's kind of like breathing--it just "happens." i learn a lot from my writing. i can talk to myself, hear myself, see myself. i learn a lot from God through my writing. i watch Him move, see his presence, meet with him in secret places that only he and i can occupy.
sometimes i know i need (or want) to "get something out" but can't--there's no way of articulating it. Or, sometimes I do articulate it but i know soon after it's out that it isn't right...what i was, at that particular moment, thinking, feeling, or wanting to get out, didn't actually make it out. this might sound like nonsense unless you, too, like to write.
anyway, i recalled the post i wrote several hours ago before work. I had, at that time, several minutes and wanted to try to "articulate" something of what's growing in my soul these days. but it wasn't quite right--and i knew it as soon as i read this section of a book i'm reading by Henri Nouwen (it's called "Reaching Out"). This is what my soul's been thinking. Don't you appreciate when you read in a book or hear in a song words to which your soul responds, "yeah, that's what i'm thinking and feeling." This was articulated well, so here's how Nouwen puts it:

"During our life we become more aware not only of our crying loneliness but also of our real desire for a solitude of the heart; we come to the painful realization not only of our cruel hostilities but also of our hope to receive our fellow humans with unconditional hospitality; and underneath all of this we discover not only the endless illusions which make us act as if we are masters of our fate but also the precarious gift of prayer hidden in the depth of our innermost self."

this semester has been a time of learning of self--facing some real ugliness; sorrowing over recognized sinfulness; grappling with some weak and dangerous "tendencies" or "habits." it has also been a time of learning to love--love others, near or distant; love self through sin and brokenness; love God, the Seeing One who seems to heal by his seeing. this has been a semester of learning how to live--good times and bad times; hard times and easy times; in the comfortable and the uncomfortable. this has been a semester of learning to pray--finding out that prayer is a little different than i thought.

sometimes i think we live waiting for life to "happen" to us. we are waiting until we're qualified, prepared, ready; until we know, believe; until we're better, stronger, smarter. Life isn't going to happen to you--you're living it. This is it. right now, at 7:28pm in a little chicago apartment I am sitting at this desk typing and this is life. and i don't know when it will be over. i am so glad to live this life. i'm glad to delight in little and big things; and experience, also, the pain of little and big things.

this semester has taught me some things about how to live life--what I want my life to look like; how i want to live my days; how i prioritize my time; how i dream my dreams and pray my prayers; how i live in community with others; how i'm honest (or not); how I love (or don't); how I live before God; how he's patient with us; how i'm so impatient with myself and even more so with other people...things in mystery and things revealed; things clouded in darkness and things uncovered by light.

a few days ago i prayed that God would bring me into the light again and again so that i'd be exposed--only please, please be near me as i witness what the darkness has been hiding.

we are people becoming. life is happening. we are living it. it is beautiful. it is hard. God is near. and distant. close. and far.
He is a good God not to leave us to our own ways. i just did some work on the passage in 1 Samuel 2(:1-10), Hannah's song, recognizing that God's sovereignty is reason for a rebirth of hope. He is the one who reverses fortunes. I love reading the Old Testament narratives because I get to witness God at work in story--in lives--and i am comforted because mine is a story, and he works in this life, too. He is a God that journeys with and has given us His word, that also journeys with us. remarkable.

i know this has been a long post. what else is new. you know i like to write so you should expect it by now, right? :)
thanks for reading. i suppose the truth is out, though, that i write more for me than for you. actually, i also do it for you--because i believe that i'm not the only one who thinks, feels, and wonders about these things. somewhere out there are others who are living this same journey--and i like that :)

On dreaming about mothering (among other things), part I

This post has been long in coming. In an effort to get it out, I’ve decided to make it a series.

Almost every girl dreams about being a wife and mom. I’m turning 23 in a week, am I allowed to be dreaming more seriously about these things? Well, here’s the thing. Yes and no…? Sometimes dreams become “more” to us than they should be. Don’t get me wrong; I think there is incredible value in dreaming. It’s a wonderful gift. But not when we allow our own personal value to be based on the actualization of those dreams. The mile-markers of life (births, deaths, graduations, marriages, families, children) contribute to our forming—they shape who we are, and who we are becoming—but are not the ultimate measure of our worth.

There’s a lot to be said about living our “humanness” before God. This is an area of thought that has really impressed itself on me this semester. So much of the time we deconstruct the human race before God and before each other—fitting ourselves into categories of communities: “the singles,” “the married,” “the men,” “the women,” “the sick,” “the healthy,” “the abused,” etc. The thing is, these aren’t false categories (there are single people, married people, men, women, the sick, the healthy, the abused). They are, however, “second” categories. First and foremost, we are human; we are image-bearers (and, i might add, we are part of a larger community of image-bearers. think about the beauty of that!). Recognizing ourselves in these terms allows us to live with a certain sense of solidarity. Scripture is rich in its recognition of humankind as the created of God—infused with his image; granted the possibility of his indwelling spirit.

What does this have to do with “mothering?” Well, I doubt it comes as a surprise that I want (badly) to be a wife and mom. At times the desire even seems unbearable. For most of us in our twenty-somethings, these desires are real and growing. But I just want to remind us that the actualization of some of these dreams isn’t the “end goal” or ultimate measure of our worth. And for those of you who are wives, moms, husbands, and fathers, there is a deeper measure of your value than how you fit in these categories. Although these positions are important and God-given, they are added to the already present reality of your significance as image-bearers of Almighty God.

I hope we learn to live before God as image-bearers—learning, too, to see each other as image-bearers. This will inform our love for one another and booster our desire to serve and honor one another. I know that I have had to learn some of these things in difficult ways this semester. God has had to humble me a lot, cleanse me of some pretty ugly pride, and strip me of a few unhealthy dreams. The remarkable thing is that He is faithful to replace what he takes away from and out of us. When we have grown used to gripping our idols and our lesser loves, their absence leaves us deeply wanting. But He fills those voids with unexpected pieces of Himself—new understandings, greater depths of love; bolstered faith; brighter revelation; quiet contentment; and, sometimes most beautifully, refreshed dreams.

a little msg...does the body good?

when you've been hacking up your lungs for going on three weeks (like i have) and you feel drowsy, stuffed up, and cold, i have an idea: enjoy some old-time chicken flavored ramen. seriously. the sodium levels will brighten your taste buds, even if the msg might kill you in the end :) i kid.
sort of.
but really, i've had enough green things in the past week to aid in the battle "keep andrea alive through finals" (brussels sprouts, spinach, bell peppers, and asparagus among them) such that i thought a splash of good ol' ramen would cheer my spirits. it worked. obviously. funny how a food brings back a million memories too, eh? I haven't had ramen in ages.

ok. enough.
so, you know how i haven't really enjoyed my Church Planting class all that much? Ok, not really at all...
well, i think the whole semester *might* have been worth it for the final paper i get to write. yes, i am bogged down in a whole mess of assignments but this paper has turned into something rather exciting...
I'm writing on church renewal as a (perhaps) better solution than "plant a new church while the old one goes under." the body of the paper is "a vision for church renewal" in which i hope to touch on some important elements such as: the church's people as exiles, pilgrims, and postmoderns; renewing the use of scripture (liturgy, lament, and imagination); renewing the use of counseling (lay counseling and the integration of biblical theology and psychology); renewing community (through scripture, counseling, and living a biblical theology). I recognize this as huge and sweeping and, as such, unable to go super in depth. but i feel like in some of the other papers i've written for various classes i already have gone more in depth on particular elements herein. so it seems "time" to compile things into something through which i can say "this is what I am thinking, seeing, and feeling--now what." we'll see where and how it goes. considering that (1) i don't have much time and (2) i have many other assignments to get done simultaneously...my ambition for the paper might not find an end in the finished product.

i hope you are well in the midst of crazy end of the year school stuff or other life places!
oh, and i hope you are keeping healthy! drink down that emergen-C!!

unexpected rest

I love getting to work early.

I love sitting in the stillness of the house, listening to the clocks tick. Today I sat on the couch and watched the snow fall on the back deck. It was the first snow of the year.

I walked from the train station down neighborhood streets listening to "Come Thou Long Expected Savior," overwhelmed with longing for the return of the Lord. There are moments in this life when it's almost unbearable. Suddenly and deeply you are gripped with that longing to know the world whole and healed. It's during this season--one of felt "expectation" and "anticipation"--that I am soberly aware of this unsettled longing. This isn't the place where my soul is at rest. No, there is a place and a time to come...and the waiting is almost impossible.

In simple moments, like sitting watching the snowflakes land, there is remarkable rest. it happens so suddenly and unexpectedly. "Unsettled" as I sometimes am in expectation of the Lord, He is gracious to grant glimpses of that glorious rest--to provide pieces of an eternal stillness that we crave in this fast-paced space. Maybe these are the "sign-posts" that C.S. Lewis writes about in Surprised By Joy--you know, the ones that point us upward and onward, for we are only passing through.

Today I was so thankful for a beautiful snow, a warm scarf, a hot cup of tea, and a cozy place to go home to. Don't let us take these things for granted, Lord. We are grateful in our plenty--keep us so.

you will loosen things unseen

“The wreckage of history—a trail of shattered beauty, defiled goodness, twisted truths, streams of tears, rivers of blood, mountains of corpses—must somehow be mended. That the past must and will be redeemed is a conviction essential to the Christian notion of redemption.” -Miroslav Volf

you will turn your ear to me.
you will hear my cry for mercy.
you will loosen things unseen.
what can man do to me?
you will be my help in trouble.
you will be my place of refuge.
you will cut these bindings free.
what can man do to me?

i'll sing for joy in your place of rest
i'll sleep in peace resting on your chest
and your voice will sound like a thousand waters
your song will rush for ten thousand centuries
(Aaron Stumpel, "Centuries")

For the past two days i've been thinking about "Christian guilt." Something inside of you might be saying, "but we aren't guilty--set free from guilt in Christ, right?" Umm, I'm not so sure. It seems as though (in general) Christians are quick to escape responsibility for things. There are a million-and-one Christian-copouts, I'm sure you know a few. Keeping redemption in view, I am beginning to see the importance and real need of Christian admittance of guilt for committed (historical) atrocities. Right now what is in the forefront of my mind is the Holocaust and the Christian failure to stand up and speak/act in response to it. There was an obvious lack of Christian civil courage to stand up in the public sphere(s) against the evils being committed (some, even, in the name of God).
Elie Wiesel does not believe in collective guilty, but he does banner memory. Why? Because without it, generations will forget and become indifferent. Memory is a duty both to the dead and to the living. Ok, so what?
Well, the Manhattan Declaration has been mentioned a few times in class. Have you read it? Here's the link: Manhattan Dec.
Christians are rallying around this one. This isn't entirely bad, but it is somewhat concerning. Take a look at it. There are portions of the preamble that are a bit disconcerting...
"While fully acknowledging the imperfections and shortcomings of Christian institutions and communities in all ages, we claim the heritage of those Christians who defended innocent life by rescuing discarded babies from trash heaps in Roman cities and publicly denouncing the Empire’s sanctioning of infanticide." We acknowledge the shortcomings and claim the heritage. The document walks through a brief history of the "great heritage" of Christianity (and please, don't get me wrong, we do have many wonderful contributions and testimonies of good in our heritage. but let's be honest, we also have some incredible tragedies and terrific atrocities).
The last paragraph of the declaration before it begins to delineate the points is potentially very alarming:
"We are Christians who have joined together across historic lines of ecclesial differences to affirm our right—and, more importantly, to embrace our obligation—to speak and act in defense of these truths. We pledge to each other, and to our fellow believers, that no power on earth, be it cultural or political, will intimidate us into silence or acquiescence. It is our duty to proclaim the
Gospel of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ in its fullness, both in season and out of season. May God help us not to fail in that duty."
The part that is uncomfortable is the line "no power on earth, be it cultural or political, will intimidate us into silence or acquiescence..." What are "we" saying here? My professor for the class points out why this document is so disconcerting and, in essence, unhelpful--there is strong voice of defense with virtually no explanation of that defense; the document offers the good things done in the name of Christianity (specifically) without mentioning the burden of sin that is also on Christian history. To be honest to the world, there must be both. What would it look like for the Christian community to start remembering rightly and truthfully it's past--the good and the bad. What would it look like to begin to see collective confession and repentance? What would it mean to begin a public discourse of reconciliation...? I think it might do a lot more than documents of defense.
I am not saying that it is not good or right or necessary to defend faith and values. It most certainly is. But it seems that we often do so at the expense of admitting faults, too, and expressing true, humble, genuine remorse for things that have been done (and continue to be done) in the name of God.

This is a "beginning" line of thought so bear with me, hopefully it will develop over the next several weeks and you'll see another post or two. Right now thoughts are a little scattered...my hope is to stir some thought and prayer in you.

“To remember something incorrectly is, in an important sense, not to remember at all—we do not remember to the precise extent that what we remember is incorrect.” Miroslav Volf

“…memory is a blessing: it created bonds rather than destroys them. Bonds between present and past, between individuals and groups. It is because I remember our common beginning that I move closer to my fellow human beings. It is because I refuse to forget that their future is as important as my own. What would the future of man be if it were devoid of memory?”
-Elie Wiesel

taking a break

...from paper writing, that is. i'm working on my elie wiesel paper now--the holocaust and memory. good topic but i get brain blocks when writing papers i really care about and want to learn from. eh, it will get done. it's my only project for today.

i was going to go to trader joe's since i have little fresh food in the apartment but its been raining all day. walking 30 minutes in the rain doesn't sound like a good idea when i've been coughing all morning.

i'm feeling a little bummed about not being home for the "christmas decorating." not that i have been for the past several years...for some reason i really would love to this year. yesterday i walked by a christmas tree lot and suddenly really missed picking out the tree with mom and dad--mom and i caring; dad and luke really not. haha. those are some good memories.

i've decided to "remedy" this homesick-for-traditions feeling by listening to christmas music while writing my paper. i don't know if it is helping or making me miss home more. current favorites: "come thou long expected Jesus," "o holy night," "o come, o come, emmanuel," "once in royal david's city." sung by such artists as sufjan, griffin house, over the rhine, derek webb, and others, i'd say this playlist is pretty darn good.

didn't go to church this morning. instead listened to a matt chandler sermon on "the art of remembrance." i thought it would push me into my paper writing. there's so much that surrounds this issue of memory/remembrance. it's very intriguing to me.

want to see some recent pictures of Sam? here are some from thanksgiving...i wasn't with them but kristen sent some pictures.
Becky (Jay's mom) gave Sam his christmas present early so she could be there to watch the assembly:




cute families! this is Jay's sister and husband...and sam's little cousin zavier.


i spent thanksgiving with melissa and her family in the suburbs. it was really wonderful to take a breather from school. i love her family more than i can tell. they are amazing. her dad is just wonderful. anyway, mel and i spent good time together and even got some homework done :)

what my heart is missing

watch this: amadou et mariam
(not that i was here exactly but you get the idea...similarities in sights and sounds)

sometimes i "forget" that i spent 6 months in a place so rich and beautiful. only because it's worlds away from me here. lately i've been thinking about it more...praying that God would so engage my heart with the world again while i remain here for awhile--at least some refreshed passion and vision. we ought never grow dull to the world. and i don't ever want to forget what that experience contributed to who i am becoming.

anyway. enough of the nostalgia, eh? back to the paper-writing!!

back again.

my back has been hurting more than usual this semester. i can't decide if it is stress or if something is "wrong" again.
it's been about 5 years since i've been out of the back brace. sometimes i can't believe it's been that long--that time was so "traumatic" to live through but now its such a part of the past. weird how that works, isn't it? anyway, i have an appointment and x-rays at Christmas. so if you think of it, i'd appreciate prayer. I'm not too worried because if surgery were needed i think i would feel it more. but you never know. sometimes i let my worries wander and i kind of get nervous. just be praying that A. things will be fine B. if anything isn't fine, it will be minor and i can just do exercises or something to remedy it.

anyhow, i appreciate prayer. thanks guys!

there is little else as wonderful as being an aunt

i think i have the cutest nephew ever. and another nephew/niece on the way--check out the cute baby belly!! :)

food for thought

weekends FLY BY. can i get an amen?? whew.
i've been chipping away at this Holocaust paper. sometimes it is hard for me to write papers i really care about. it shouldn't be that way, it seems, but it is. bummer. i find myself wrestling in the thoughts of elie wiesel--this is really difficult for me sometimes. hm.

i read Deut. 8 on Friday. wow. i've been thinking about my tendency to construct idols; to grip them; to love them; to be disappointed by them. and i've been faced with the truth of God's faithfulness, despite my own UNfaithfulness. needless to say, this has all been really necessary and really difficult to face right now. incredible to live before a God who remains true in some of life's most trying circumstances. this is the God of provision--manna, water, guidance...

i talked to hallie today for the first time in a long time. it was good for my soul.

i spent some time sifting through old blog posts. i've had this thing since 2004. crazy. it's funny reading old entries. it also gives a neat perspective on the last four+ years.

in reading some old entries, i came across a few quotes that happen to strike a cord in my heart tonight. so here they are (and with them, I will leave you...good night):

"The house of my soul is too small for you to come to it. May it be enlarged by you. It is in ruins: restore it. In your eyes it has offensive features. I admit it, I know it; but who will clean it up?" -St. Augustine.

“Then the lion said--but I don’t know if it spoke--You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desparate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it. The first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peal off....Then he caught hold of me--I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on--and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment....and after a bit the lion took me out and dressed me....in new clothes...” –The Voyage of the Dawn Treader

for $6.06

today lacy and i went to the thrift store across from her work to go book hunting. this is what i found...all for $6.06...

The Chosen-Chaim Potok
Davita's Harp-Chaim Potok
I Am the Clay-Chaim Potok
Israel: An Echo of Eternity--Abraham Heschel
The Town Beyond the Wall-Elie Wiesel
Night-Elie Wiesel
Hinds' Feet on High Places (thinking of you, Hallie)-Hannah Hurnard
and two other (random) beautiful hardcovers that i am tearing apart for projects...

WHOPPING DEAL, right?! I know some of you are thinking "she already has those books," and it's true (about most of them, not all of them), but books make such good gifts: birthday, christmas, or "just because."

we then walked to Powell's Bookstore where I found Wiesel's Trial of God for $5. Definitely worth investing in, so i snatched it up (the copy I currently have will need to go back to the public library soon anyway).

successful ventures. now it's time to immerse myself in wiesel's work so i can get started on this paper!

a week ago

a week ago tonight erin, michelle, amy, and i went to evanston for a david wilcox concert. tonight jay and kristen are seeing him in concert in virginia.
it was a good show. as much as i prefer peter mulvey, i really do enjoy his stories and appreciate his lyrics. he's full of delight, hope, true expressions of sorrow and loss, and a good amount of laughter. his songs reflect a lot of "real life" and i like that. the simple ins-and-outs of our days...



last night mariah and i were finally able to catch up. whew--about time! I'm going to drive out to las cruces for a day over christmas vacation. i look forward to it so much.
last night i was sitting at my desk and took a few minutes to look at the pictures i have hanging up. there's the one of zach, mariah, and i in colorado this summer, taken at sunset up on the mountain behind the cabin. those were a sweet few days. i was reminded how beautiful those days were: talking, listening, dreaming, praying, sitting. i hope for more times like that. they are remarkable moments of true joy. and yet they are so simple. sometimes the simple things are the best things.

there is also the picture of mark, hannah, and i at ELC this summer. i love looking at this picture because its a recent shot of the three of us, reminding me that we've been friends for a long time (going on 9 years. wow). and we're still friends. we aren't able to spend a lot of time together--we live in such different and far-away places--or even talk all that often...but when we DO talk and ARE able to spend time together, it's easy, and comfortable, and oh so wonderful. i look forward to a couple days of it at christmas.

tomorrow i'm going with lacy to the thrift store across the street from her work. they are clearing out a lot of their used books (at 25 and 50 cents!) and so we are going to scour and dig around for treasure-books. i can't wait. she bought me two elie wiesel books the other day: One Generation After and Legends of Our Time. i was so happy.

you know how people sometimes decide to "study" a person? They usually end up reading everything (or at least a great deal) that person wrote, etc. well, I've been thinking about how much I would really like to "study" Elie Wiesel and Chaim Potok. Maybe it's just because I'm sort of simmering in Jewish and Holocaust study right now but a) I love books by these two authors and b) I find each of them rather intriguing and compelling. I read The Trial of God (Wiesel) last week, as you know, and am currently making my way through his book From the Kingdom of Memory: Reminiscences. It's really. good.

sorry my entries have been miles long lately. i should probably try to keep them shorter.
tip for the day--go grab a good book and get reading!! If you need ideas, read Night/Dawn/Day trilogy by Elie Wiesel or My Name is Asher Lev and/or Davita's Harp (my favorite) by Chaim Potok.

faith was different then

you know those moments that take you back? i got out of class early and decided it was time to organize my desk and do the dishes. something about being sick makes me want things to be in order--i think having a clean space to live in somehow helps me feel better about life even though my body seems to hate me. anyhow, i put on some old-school caedmon's call. I know, right. haven't listened to them in awhile. and all of a sudden "Lead of Love" started playing and i was hit with a million-and-one memories.

Looking back at the road so far
The journey's left its share of scars
Mostly from leaving the narrow and straight

Looking back it is clear to me
That a man is more than the sum of his deeds
And how You've made good of this mess I've made
Is a profound mystery

Looking back You know You had to bring me through
All that I was so afraid of
Though I questioned the sky, now I see why
Had to walk the rocks to see the mountain view
Looking back I see the lead of love

Looking back I can finally see (I'd rather have wisdom)
How failures bring humility (than be)
Brings me to my knees (a comfortable fool)
Helps me see my need for Thee

this song takes me back to high school: driving to and from school or to and from my job at Marie Calendars; living with a back brace that i thought meant the end of my life. it takes me back to hillsdale: walking up the hill to classes, sitting in the arboretum, my familiar spot in the lower level of the library by the corner windows. somehow that song did a lot to booster a faith that faltered and failed...a lot. while i was listening to it just now i was overwhelmed to realize what a different faith i have now. not that it's content has changed drastically or anything like that--but there is the realization that as life grows, faith grows: it's expression; it's obstacles. God has been gracious to preserve my small faith through some significant changes, doubts, questions, and learnings.

this has been a hard semester. i find myself praying that christmas break will provide time to rest in the quiet presence of the God i love. what weak, poor love I have to give and yet somehow that's ok because it is everything i can give. my heart is full of questions, yearnings, doubts, and securities. when i stand facing the One before whom everything rises and falls, i find myself holding only this weak love.
take our weak love, God.
thank you for taking our weak love.
thank you even more for giving us your strong love.

Read this before bed last night and felt silently secure in the midst of a general weariness:
"Listen this day for the groans and yearnings of your world,
listen to our own songs of joy and our own drudges of death,
and in the midst of our stammering,
speak your clear word of life
in the name of your word come flesh.
amen." -walter brueggemann

from the couch

sometimes its hard to believe in a God we don't understand. things happen in life--to us or to those we care about--that don't make sense. they come at us out of nowhere.
life doesn't ask permission. life isn't polite. sometimes life is so very, very, unashamed.

and yet somehow we wouldn't have it any other way. we need a God that we don't understand. a God that is bigger than life when it doesn't ask permission, isn't polite, and is relentlessly unashamed. even the God that we don't understand compels us to pray for faith we don't have; strength we cannot muster; hope we dare not imagine.

be our biggest God. above the other gods. the gods of fear and doubt and distrust. steal away our false gods that promise fake support and empty hope. be our biggest God.
you are our biggest God.

and when this life steals all our words, stifles our prayers, and threatens to quench our faith, it is a beautiful thing to walk side by side. who will sit with you in silence, pray your worn-out-prayers for you, and uphold your faith with her own? it's important to be near each other. i'm reminded of the words of bebo's song:

You can borrow mine
When your hope is gone
Borrow mine
When you can't go on
Cause the world will not defeat you
When we're side by side
When your faith is hard to find
You can borrow mine

we pray. provide people to walk beside us when our faith is hard to find. there are those who are facing life raw right now. we've heard that you are Upholder; Healer; Shelter; Friend. reveal yourself as these. you are the giver of life. we pray for new life. in the meantime we also hope for new normals--life back to "the way it was" before the news, the choice, the mistake...life to live again.
amen.

i like sundays

saturday feels like the end of the week and monday definitely feels like the beginning...

sunday is kind of this remarkable little "gem" of a day that doesn't quite seem to fit at the beginning or the end. it is what it is.
i like that.

hope you are enjoying your sunday.