thoughts from a stuffy head

I apologize ahead of time if these thoughts are muffled and awkward. I got hit hard with a head cold last night and have been wrestling with sinus pressure and a ridiculously stuffy left nostril all day. uugh, frustrating. But through the stuffiness I remembered that tomorrow is Pentacost Sunday. I think I remembered because I was sitting here earlier reflecting on "life" these days--and all that I am thinking through and facing right now (which feels like a lot)--only able to manage a rather pathetic cry, "Please God, I'm really needing you." Sometimes we just have to say "I don't know, Lord." And, since I've said that a lot lately, I'm beginning to see it as an act of trust. Somehow in all of the "I-don't know's" of life right now, God remains trustworthy. I guess I realized yesterday what a gift this is in the midst of a semester (yes, I can't help but still think in semesters) that has taken a lot out of me without (it has seemed) giving much back.

God steps in with his small gifts...like the fact that I can still find him trustworthy despite uncertain circumstances that threaten to change my mind about that. This is grace.

So tomorrow is Pentacost and I am well aware (again) of how much I need the Spirit. I have been making quiet requests for healing and reorientation over the past few weeks because I know I need his help. And tonight it comes to a head as I think about tomorrow and the "coming." Holy Spirit, come. Walter Brueggemann has written "so blow this day, wind//blow here and there, power//blow even us, force//rush us beyond ourselves//rush us beyond our hopes//rush us beyond our fears, until we enact your newness in the world//come, come spirit. Amen."

In my own words tonight I wrote in my journal "Come to me; come on us. Fill us again with strength for the pilgrimage. I need courage, Lord. Courage to believe (and live) truth in a world so mixed up. I need strength to stand for something large and lasting. I need discipline to hold fast to what is good and right. Protect us from unbelief and cynicism. Keep me fresh--I've been feeling spoiled and soiled....we worship what we think about. Redirect and reorient my thoughts."

You see (if we're honest), over and over again we have to commit our way(s) to the Lord. We are not successful gods. We try to be--controlling, mastering, manipulating, achieving--but we finally weary of it. We falter and fail and freedom is found again in grace--in God who is mysteriously three in one and so is, thankfully, Spirit in us, too. Living with us.

There is freedom in grace. Grace is to be new and healed and forgiven and whole and loved. Grace is journey and process. It is proactive and intentional not apathetic. It transforms (all things new). Grace travels with us, it doesn't just stop for a brief visit. It is a presence, I believe. Grace is not to be perfect here and now (I'm learning), it is to be free here and now. But, freedom towards a goal and a hope, not just freedom for freedom's sake. These are not always easy things to learn, but they enrich the way we live.

Sometimes I get distracted from all of this. I really do. So Spirit, remind us. Focus us anew. Reorient us. Redirect us. Come, come Spirit.