Lately I've been feeling a little bottled up. I've been missing Africa and, at the same time, have been uncovering exciting new things here: friendships and passions that are refreshing, encouraging, and exciting. So here I am, in sort of a strange place of in-between. Today I have been aching for Africa. I re-read some old journal entries and was transported. It's funny how a smell can take you back somewhere. I smelled the rain on the wind and was standing on the red hillsides of Motjane, looking out over the stunningly beautiful green countryside. Hills beautiful beyond the singing of it... and my heart feels broken.
I'm feeling much like I was on november 3rd, just a little while before I flew home. Here's what I wrote:
"THERE'S HEALING IN THE BREAKDOWN.
When and where will the release come? I'm beginning to wonder, as I feel I am living in a weird tunnel...sort of numb and unaware, looking behind or in front but struggling to understand myself in this present state. Lord, I need you.
The rain outside falling softly on the roof has had a peaceful and calming effect on me today. I welcomed the storm--with thunder and lightening--and even took a nap by our open window this afternoon. Slept a lot today...sort of feel like I don't really know what to do with myself.
Amanda had a dream about me--that she found me sort of off by myself in an "alone place" with tears streaming down my face. She had the sense that she had stepped into or interrupted a time of much needed (yet painful) release.
It was sort of a timely dream, as I wonder about a time of release myself...sort of feel bottled up and in need of a good, hard cry. Lord, be near me. Hold me please, I feel a little afraid and unsure."
Lately I've been quieted to accept the reality that I serve a God of mystery. I don't know all of Him. Quite honestly, if I DID, I don't think really He would be worth worshipping. The "bigness," the splendor, the unknown...the mystery...is beautiful. It's what makes us live in awe; in praise; in the fear of the Lord.
I want to live with open hands. "Here, Lord. Here I am! Here's all of me." There's nothing to me outside of Christ. All that I am comes from Him and is real and beautiful and true only IN Him. I've been listening to this song that Hannah gave me (don't know who it's by) and there's a line in it that says "All of life's secrets are in your branches." I like that. I think I'm quietly admiring the secrets of the Lord right now.
My heart is aching for a world "far away" from here...but it is almost equally aching for a world that is "here." Sigh. I CANNOT explain this. I guess I feel a mix of sadness and joy--like I want to cry but also want to shout praises. I think I'm just overwhelmed by God...and it makes me sad because it awakens my longing to be with Him where He is; and it makes me joyful because it is HIM. I have set my heart on pilgrimage (Psalm 84).
The Puritans used to pray for the gift of tears. Lacy told me earlier that sometimes she just prays and asks God to let her cry because that's the best way to release emotion. Hmm.
Love to you all.
Are you enjoying God? I hope so. He's delightfully worth all your pleasure. I pray He overwhelms you.