Friday, November 13, 2009
Thursday, November 12, 2009
the hidden God
“One night the teacher took Wiesel back to his own barracks, and there, with the young boy as the only witness, three great Jewish scholars—masters of Talmud, Halakhah, and Jewish jurisprudence—put God on trial, creating, in that eerie place, ‘a rabbinic court of law to indict the Almighty’” (Introduction vii).
On Tuesday I finished reading The Trial of God, by Elie Wiesel. It is his depiction of the event he witnessed years ago in the concentration camp. “For years Wiesel lived with the tension and dilemma of that memory, pondering how to communicate its despairing solemnity” (Introduction, vii). He finally chose to write it as a play. It is a remarkable work. I can’t really express what an incredible, vivid, and stunning work it is—different than any of his other works that I have read (Night, Dawn, Day). It is difficult and gripping.
I won’t give away the story line. I want you to read it. As thinking human beings (generally) and as responsible Christians (specifically) I think it is necessary for us to wrestle with the issues raised in this book. We all have questions about God—many of the “hard” and “messy” ones arise from experiences of suffering or come from witnessing the trauma that fills this world. If we are to live for and believe in the redemption of the world (and it’s contents), this matters.
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?
You can’t say you’ve never asked them—or, at least, thought them. I don’t believe I’m the only one that wrestles with loose ends and disfigured categories. Look at the world around us. Cry out to the God who IS.
On Wednesday we had a worship chapel and I struggled to sing choruses that pushed for happy praise and the expression of neat, proper worship for God. Maybe this was because I had, fifteen minutes prior, walked out of my “Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil” class having just watched a documentary on the concentration camps. I have never watched such graphic, live footage. Dr. McDuffee challenged us to consider (a) how such atrocities can be committed by men (some that claim to know God) and (b) how this can happen in front of God—can we know anything of His response?
I’d just like to share a few quotes from the play that hit me hard.
“…I’ll yell for truth all by myself! I’ll howl words that have been howling inside me and through me! I’ll tear off all the masks of Him whose face is hidden! With or without an attorney present, Your Honor, the trial will take place!” (103).
“You are using images, let me add mine. When human beings kill one another, where is God to be found? You see Him among the killers. I find Him among the victims” (129).
“You would like to hear the victims? So would I. But they do not talk. They cannot come to the witness stand. They’re dead…I implore the court to consider their absence as the weightiest of proofs, as the heaviest of accusations. They are witnesses, Your Honor, invisible and silent witnesses, but still witnesses! Let their testimony enter your conscience and your memory! Let their premature, unjust deaths turn into an outcry so forceful that it will make the universe tremble with fear and remorse!” (129).
“You can force yourself to accept sadness, not joy” (145).
“Just? How can anyone proclaim Him just—now? With the end so near? Look at us, look at Hanna, search your own memory: between the Jews who suffer and die, and God who does not—how can you choose God?” (157).
Well, dear reader, do you feel the questions now?
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?
Obviously (but not so obvious to many, it seems) these questions hold great implication for all people everywhere, all over the world, and in any time.
The Afterword for Wiesel’s book is by Matthew Fox and is artfully titled, “The Trial of God, The Trial of Us.” His articulation and integration of the contents of Wiesel’s book is very good. I’d like to share a few things that he writes…
“Because the Jewish Biblical tradition teaches that humanity is made ‘in the image and likeness of God,’ to put God on trial is to put humanity on trial, and to put humanity on trial is to put God on trial. ‘All our names for God come from our understanding of ourselves’ warns Meister Eckhart. To put God on trial is to put on trial our understanding of ourselves, our ways of living in the world, of denying, of accusing, of projecting, of hating, and of loving…” (163).
“This play may be less about putting God on trial than about putting our uses and abuses and projections of God on trial…Not only is a one-dimensional idea of God erased in the play, but so, too, is a one-dimensional notion of evil, and even Satan himself, eliminated” (171).
Finally, and I will leave you with this last quote because this is long and I fear I may have lost some of you already. But I hope not…
“This play does not only arouse our capacity for judging God and our notions of God and judging ourselves; it also goes deeper than judgment. It touches awe and wonder, freedom and guilt, creativity and compassion, humor and paradox. It leads us into the realms of the spirit more deeply than interminable rational debate about the divine nature could ever lead us. It leads us to the experience of spirit, not only to its critique. It takes us beyond words, to the holy sanctuary of sorrow. It disturbs as the spirit so often disturbs” (165).
This is an “issue” worth pursuit, study, prayer, hope, question, and humility. There is more I want to say and wish I could say but don’t really know how. I always feel like this subject is too big to bring up. But it must be brought up. I always feel inadequate to talk or write about it when the seams of my own heart are bursting with questions. There remain the loose ends and disfigured categories…and so we are left sitting in discomfort and wonder. I hope such a position will, ultimately, drive us to the feet of the hidden, elusive One.
(Wiesel, Elie. The Trial of God. New York: Schocken, 1979).
On Tuesday I finished reading The Trial of God, by Elie Wiesel. It is his depiction of the event he witnessed years ago in the concentration camp. “For years Wiesel lived with the tension and dilemma of that memory, pondering how to communicate its despairing solemnity” (Introduction, vii). He finally chose to write it as a play. It is a remarkable work. I can’t really express what an incredible, vivid, and stunning work it is—different than any of his other works that I have read (Night, Dawn, Day). It is difficult and gripping.
I won’t give away the story line. I want you to read it. As thinking human beings (generally) and as responsible Christians (specifically) I think it is necessary for us to wrestle with the issues raised in this book. We all have questions about God—many of the “hard” and “messy” ones arise from experiences of suffering or come from witnessing the trauma that fills this world. If we are to live for and believe in the redemption of the world (and it’s contents), this matters.
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?
You can’t say you’ve never asked them—or, at least, thought them. I don’t believe I’m the only one that wrestles with loose ends and disfigured categories. Look at the world around us. Cry out to the God who IS.
On Wednesday we had a worship chapel and I struggled to sing choruses that pushed for happy praise and the expression of neat, proper worship for God. Maybe this was because I had, fifteen minutes prior, walked out of my “Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil” class having just watched a documentary on the concentration camps. I have never watched such graphic, live footage. Dr. McDuffee challenged us to consider (a) how such atrocities can be committed by men (some that claim to know God) and (b) how this can happen in front of God—can we know anything of His response?
I’d just like to share a few quotes from the play that hit me hard.
“…I’ll yell for truth all by myself! I’ll howl words that have been howling inside me and through me! I’ll tear off all the masks of Him whose face is hidden! With or without an attorney present, Your Honor, the trial will take place!” (103).
“You are using images, let me add mine. When human beings kill one another, where is God to be found? You see Him among the killers. I find Him among the victims” (129).
“You would like to hear the victims? So would I. But they do not talk. They cannot come to the witness stand. They’re dead…I implore the court to consider their absence as the weightiest of proofs, as the heaviest of accusations. They are witnesses, Your Honor, invisible and silent witnesses, but still witnesses! Let their testimony enter your conscience and your memory! Let their premature, unjust deaths turn into an outcry so forceful that it will make the universe tremble with fear and remorse!” (129).
“You can force yourself to accept sadness, not joy” (145).
“Just? How can anyone proclaim Him just—now? With the end so near? Look at us, look at Hanna, search your own memory: between the Jews who suffer and die, and God who does not—how can you choose God?” (157).
Well, dear reader, do you feel the questions now?
Does God care about human suffering?
Does God Himself suffer?
What does it mean for humanity to bear the image of God?
How can mankind commit such terrible evil? How can God allow it?
Obviously (but not so obvious to many, it seems) these questions hold great implication for all people everywhere, all over the world, and in any time.
The Afterword for Wiesel’s book is by Matthew Fox and is artfully titled, “The Trial of God, The Trial of Us.” His articulation and integration of the contents of Wiesel’s book is very good. I’d like to share a few things that he writes…
“Because the Jewish Biblical tradition teaches that humanity is made ‘in the image and likeness of God,’ to put God on trial is to put humanity on trial, and to put humanity on trial is to put God on trial. ‘All our names for God come from our understanding of ourselves’ warns Meister Eckhart. To put God on trial is to put on trial our understanding of ourselves, our ways of living in the world, of denying, of accusing, of projecting, of hating, and of loving…” (163).
“This play may be less about putting God on trial than about putting our uses and abuses and projections of God on trial…Not only is a one-dimensional idea of God erased in the play, but so, too, is a one-dimensional notion of evil, and even Satan himself, eliminated” (171).
Finally, and I will leave you with this last quote because this is long and I fear I may have lost some of you already. But I hope not…
“This play does not only arouse our capacity for judging God and our notions of God and judging ourselves; it also goes deeper than judgment. It touches awe and wonder, freedom and guilt, creativity and compassion, humor and paradox. It leads us into the realms of the spirit more deeply than interminable rational debate about the divine nature could ever lead us. It leads us to the experience of spirit, not only to its critique. It takes us beyond words, to the holy sanctuary of sorrow. It disturbs as the spirit so often disturbs” (165).
This is an “issue” worth pursuit, study, prayer, hope, question, and humility. There is more I want to say and wish I could say but don’t really know how. I always feel like this subject is too big to bring up. But it must be brought up. I always feel inadequate to talk or write about it when the seams of my own heart are bursting with questions. There remain the loose ends and disfigured categories…and so we are left sitting in discomfort and wonder. I hope such a position will, ultimately, drive us to the feet of the hidden, elusive One.
(Wiesel, Elie. The Trial of God. New York: Schocken, 1979).
Monday, November 09, 2009
i need a break.
Today was pretty much a terrible day. I don’t usually have “bad days,” I think I always point to the redeeming qualities in an effort to realize that things are never as bad as they could be…which is ok some of the time but then there are days after which you just want (and probably need) to say, “that sucked.” Today was one such day. Last week was a pretty awful week in general and I thought the weekend would push me into a fresh week with a new beginning. Today kind of blew that hope out. It just sucked in a whole lot of ways. I don't need to name them all—and you probably don’t care to listen to them all. But to top it all off, the boy I nanny (he’s four) decided today was one of the days he hates me. These come up from time to time but he’s been getting bolder in his pronouncements of hatred and dislike. Sure, it’s done in a 4-year-old kind of way but it can still be hurtful and I have a hard time not allowing it to make me feel like crap. He misses his old nanny, which is understandable, and I tell him he’s allowed to and that’s normal…but I draw the line at the hate talk, letting him know that it definitely hurts my feelings. Today he went so far as to say, “I even wish I had a gun so I could shoot you!” On top of a previously crappy week and a fairly awful Monday, his words almost made me cry. Then I thought about how it must feel for parents when their kids (especially once older!) say terrible and hurtful things to them…I hate you; you are the worst parents ever; I want new parents…you’ve probably used some of these phrases so need I say more?
I miss home. I want to curl up on the couch by the big windows and watch the clouds in the huge open sky. The sad thing is, that couch no longer sits in front of the big windows. That house isn’t home anymore. My parents have moved and going home will be a little strange. Life seems to be changing so much this year—lots of transitions. Sigh.
My left eye has been twitching for a straight two days. If it wasn’t also a bit funny (I mean, seriously, every other person probably thinks I’m winking at him/her) I’d probably be tempted to yell—it’s super frustrating! My sister says it’s from stress. Bleh.
So when you are me and you go to the library, picking up a book you’ve been wanting to “pleasure read” probably isn’t the best idea when you have multiple pressing assignments on your plate. Needless to say, I am (as of today alone) 78 pages into *the trial of god* by Elie Wiesel. It is incredibly interesting, insightful, and hard to read. I’m sure it will be finished within the next few days. And I’m also sure I will devote one single post to the contents of the book alone. So…more on that to come. I like to keep my readers hooked ☺
Alright. Off to work on some Life in Bible Times so I can read some more before bed…
Also, it might seem like a dumb favor but could you be praying for me? I really want to be able to be a comfort and support to the kids…even if they hate me…but it’s hard. I’m just super discouraged right now.
I miss home. I want to curl up on the couch by the big windows and watch the clouds in the huge open sky. The sad thing is, that couch no longer sits in front of the big windows. That house isn’t home anymore. My parents have moved and going home will be a little strange. Life seems to be changing so much this year—lots of transitions. Sigh.
My left eye has been twitching for a straight two days. If it wasn’t also a bit funny (I mean, seriously, every other person probably thinks I’m winking at him/her) I’d probably be tempted to yell—it’s super frustrating! My sister says it’s from stress. Bleh.
So when you are me and you go to the library, picking up a book you’ve been wanting to “pleasure read” probably isn’t the best idea when you have multiple pressing assignments on your plate. Needless to say, I am (as of today alone) 78 pages into *the trial of god* by Elie Wiesel. It is incredibly interesting, insightful, and hard to read. I’m sure it will be finished within the next few days. And I’m also sure I will devote one single post to the contents of the book alone. So…more on that to come. I like to keep my readers hooked ☺
Alright. Off to work on some Life in Bible Times so I can read some more before bed…
Also, it might seem like a dumb favor but could you be praying for me? I really want to be able to be a comfort and support to the kids…even if they hate me…but it’s hard. I’m just super discouraged right now.
Sunday, November 08, 2009
good finds and time to myself
i spent several hours at the Chicago Public Library this afternoon. It's been ages since I've been there and it felt good to go back. Is it weird so say that there are good memories there? I have never frequented the public library but i've gone a few times, and i don't know, it just brings back memories. mostly of 1st/2nd semesters.
while researching for my Holocaust paper, I made a few unexpected good finds: i copied a chapter out of Sallie McFague's book Speaking in Parables: A Study in Metaphor and Theology. The title of the chapter is Metaphor: The Heart of the Matter. It looks really good, I'm excited to read it. The book as a whole seems fascinating. One day when I have more time I might actually try to sit down and read all of it. I also copied a brief section out of Elie Wiesel's Memoirs on "God's Suffering." The sentence that jumped out on the first page: "God accompanies his children into exile." The next paragraph begins, "What happens to us touches God."
yesterday was a hard day. i felt sad all day. you know when sadness is deep and you can't just shake it? even well-meaning people can't provide the "distraction" necessary/desired. do you ever wonder why we try to distract ourselves from life's hard experiences (emotions, feelings, thoughts)? i do. lately I've been praying that God would help me live full before Him.
when i reflect on my time at moody (which i have been doing more of lately) i think about two things in particular: (1) how God has taught me about myself (this time really has been one of self-discovery) (2) how God has taught me about Himself (i don't even know what to say here. he has awakened me and opened my eyes to wonder at and see him in remarkably "new" ways) and (3) the people God has used to shape and impact me (some major and minor characters who have lived this story with me and changed me forever).
it seems like i've had lots of time to myself lately. i haven't, really, but it has felt that way because there's been time to listen to myself, talk to myself, and talk with God (when sitting in our living room or with friends, walking to the grocery store, riding the EL, walking across campus and in between classes, while trying to fall asleep at night). there seems to be times when conversation with God is both inevitable and unavoidable, don't you think?
i need to get my nose back in the books.
i'll leave you with a quote from The Genesee Diary that I read yesterday:
"In times of doubt or unbelief, the community can 'carry you along,' so to speak; it can even offer on your behalf what you yourself overlook, and can be the context in which you may recognize the Lord again." (Henri Nouwen)
do your best to surround yourself with a community that will challenge, push, prod, guide, and encourage you heavenward/homeward. and pray for those without such a community. pray for the expansion of this community...
while researching for my Holocaust paper, I made a few unexpected good finds: i copied a chapter out of Sallie McFague's book Speaking in Parables: A Study in Metaphor and Theology. The title of the chapter is Metaphor: The Heart of the Matter. It looks really good, I'm excited to read it. The book as a whole seems fascinating. One day when I have more time I might actually try to sit down and read all of it. I also copied a brief section out of Elie Wiesel's Memoirs on "God's Suffering." The sentence that jumped out on the first page: "God accompanies his children into exile." The next paragraph begins, "What happens to us touches God."
yesterday was a hard day. i felt sad all day. you know when sadness is deep and you can't just shake it? even well-meaning people can't provide the "distraction" necessary/desired. do you ever wonder why we try to distract ourselves from life's hard experiences (emotions, feelings, thoughts)? i do. lately I've been praying that God would help me live full before Him.
when i reflect on my time at moody (which i have been doing more of lately) i think about two things in particular: (1) how God has taught me about myself (this time really has been one of self-discovery) (2) how God has taught me about Himself (i don't even know what to say here. he has awakened me and opened my eyes to wonder at and see him in remarkably "new" ways) and (3) the people God has used to shape and impact me (some major and minor characters who have lived this story with me and changed me forever).
it seems like i've had lots of time to myself lately. i haven't, really, but it has felt that way because there's been time to listen to myself, talk to myself, and talk with God (when sitting in our living room or with friends, walking to the grocery store, riding the EL, walking across campus and in between classes, while trying to fall asleep at night). there seems to be times when conversation with God is both inevitable and unavoidable, don't you think?
i need to get my nose back in the books.
i'll leave you with a quote from The Genesee Diary that I read yesterday:
"In times of doubt or unbelief, the community can 'carry you along,' so to speak; it can even offer on your behalf what you yourself overlook, and can be the context in which you may recognize the Lord again." (Henri Nouwen)
do your best to surround yourself with a community that will challenge, push, prod, guide, and encourage you heavenward/homeward. and pray for those without such a community. pray for the expansion of this community...
from pete
i love this peter mulvey song...
Light A Fire
burn Up All You Know
you've Had
so Much Time Just To
let Things Go
now You're
burning Letters Out
in The Snow
in Your Backyard
years Go Rolling
you're Thirty Three
it's Time
for The Cross
or The Bodhi Tree
but You'd
like To Cry When You
skin Your Knee
man's It's Hard
and It's The Same Old Friends On New Years Eve
the Same Snow Falls On The Same Old Leaves
and There's The Same Old Joy And The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
old Storm Windows,
the Broke-Tail Squirrel
and The
grocery Lists And The
skateboard Girls
and Your
rusty Brain Cells Give You A Twirl
oh No
kitchen Radio,
coffee's On
oh You'd
like A Month Just To Lean Up On
but This
open Road Wants To
get You Gone
off You Go
and It's The Same Old Jar Of Car Keys By The Door
the Same Old Scuffed Up Floor
the Same Old Thirst For More Until The Put You In The Dirt
it's The Same Old Nights Alone
the Same Old "baby When You Coming Home?"
to Feel The Same Old Joy, Oh The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
Light A Fire
burn Up All You Know
you've Had
so Much Time Just To
let Things Go
now You're
burning Letters Out
in The Snow
in Your Backyard
years Go Rolling
you're Thirty Three
it's Time
for The Cross
or The Bodhi Tree
but You'd
like To Cry When You
skin Your Knee
man's It's Hard
and It's The Same Old Friends On New Years Eve
the Same Snow Falls On The Same Old Leaves
and There's The Same Old Joy And The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
old Storm Windows,
the Broke-Tail Squirrel
and The
grocery Lists And The
skateboard Girls
and Your
rusty Brain Cells Give You A Twirl
oh No
kitchen Radio,
coffee's On
oh You'd
like A Month Just To Lean Up On
but This
open Road Wants To
get You Gone
off You Go
and It's The Same Old Jar Of Car Keys By The Door
the Same Old Scuffed Up Floor
the Same Old Thirst For More Until The Put You In The Dirt
it's The Same Old Nights Alone
the Same Old "baby When You Coming Home?"
to Feel The Same Old Joy, Oh The Same Old Hurt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
same Old Corduroy Shirt
Friday, November 06, 2009
thinking with tea
i think tea makes me think. or maybe i just tend to drink tea when i am in a thoughtful/reflective mood. sigh. i don't know. all i can say is, i am so glad it's the weekend. this week has felt like 100 years long. if i could, i would go for a long drive--get out of the city for awhile. sit under the bright blanket of stars. or in an open meadow. i feel pressed here. it kind of hurts. i feel a little worn out by life.
it's so full of choices, you know? it's full of a whole lot of choices. i've been reminded of something dr. de rosset said when we read The End of the Affair last year--that "there isn't anything glamorous about obedience." sometimes we make choices just because we feel like it's the right thing to do. but we aren't always ready for the results; the outcome. when we try to live honest to God, honest to ourselves, and honest to others, things don't always turn out comfortable (glamorous). i suppose we are meant to learn something in these moments. God, I hope we learn something in these moments.
a fireplace. that's it. i wish i could sit in front of a fireplace.
i've been doing some work today tracking down articles to read for the Theology of Suffering class I am a TA for in the spring. I've got three in line so far: "Soul-Making and Suffering" by John Hick, "Natural Evil and the Love of God" by Diogenes Allen, and "Horrendous Evils and the Goodness of God" by Marilyn McCord Adams.
one of my professors said the other day "pain is bad." i was really shocked. really. i just sat there. i mean, i feel pain right now. but i don't think i can, in my right mind, say it is "bad." and i believe God is somehow in our pain with us.
friends just showed up with pumpkin pie. yum.
i really feel pressed. i don't know what to do this weekend but i feel like i need to get out somehow. take a break and take some deep breaths.
we live God-haunted lives. sometimes his invisibility makes it hard for me to trust his immanence. round us out, God, and teach us to be patient in our learnings.
it's so full of choices, you know? it's full of a whole lot of choices. i've been reminded of something dr. de rosset said when we read The End of the Affair last year--that "there isn't anything glamorous about obedience." sometimes we make choices just because we feel like it's the right thing to do. but we aren't always ready for the results; the outcome. when we try to live honest to God, honest to ourselves, and honest to others, things don't always turn out comfortable (glamorous). i suppose we are meant to learn something in these moments. God, I hope we learn something in these moments.
a fireplace. that's it. i wish i could sit in front of a fireplace.
i've been doing some work today tracking down articles to read for the Theology of Suffering class I am a TA for in the spring. I've got three in line so far: "Soul-Making and Suffering" by John Hick, "Natural Evil and the Love of God" by Diogenes Allen, and "Horrendous Evils and the Goodness of God" by Marilyn McCord Adams.
one of my professors said the other day "pain is bad." i was really shocked. really. i just sat there. i mean, i feel pain right now. but i don't think i can, in my right mind, say it is "bad." and i believe God is somehow in our pain with us.
friends just showed up with pumpkin pie. yum.
i really feel pressed. i don't know what to do this weekend but i feel like i need to get out somehow. take a break and take some deep breaths.
we live God-haunted lives. sometimes his invisibility makes it hard for me to trust his immanence. round us out, God, and teach us to be patient in our learnings.
Monday, November 02, 2009
listening to "hey ya" by obadiah parker
this song makes me think of sarah, mariah, and lacy. i think because it brings back memories of the four of us--last semester traditions and even their visit a week ago. i miss them.
today was a strange day. do you ever have days that just feel unreal? are you ever stopped by the thought, "how did i end up here?" not in a bad way, just in a reflective way. i felt that way a lot today. it was a day full of moments in which i seemed to be looking in on my life from outside of it. am i crazy? do you ever feel this way??
today cameron tripped and cut his lip a little. the blood scared him, i think, and his screaming made me so sad! i spent a lot of the afternoon calming him down. we ended up building legos. i really love those kids. sometimes when i take care of them i feel like a mom. it sort of makes me smile. sometimes it makes me laugh.
i've been thinking about my time here. i have one more semester at moody. that's it.
this has been a good place.
God has done much in me here.
sometimes i think of this time like you might think of a cherished photograph. you know, the one that you tack above your desk or tuck away in a dusty old shoebox. you can always look at it with deep joy and firm gratitude as something reflective of an experience--a moment--that really changed you. i think i'll always look back on this time as beautiful and hard...an experience rather indescribable and somehow very formative.
sometimes i feel so old...
and life is different than what i expected.
that's ok. i'm glad it's different. i hope it always surprises me.
forced trusting.
He will break in again and again...
i hope it and i pray it, for life is too hard without His interruptions.
even though it is often His interruptions that seem so hard.
today was a strange day. do you ever have days that just feel unreal? are you ever stopped by the thought, "how did i end up here?" not in a bad way, just in a reflective way. i felt that way a lot today. it was a day full of moments in which i seemed to be looking in on my life from outside of it. am i crazy? do you ever feel this way??
today cameron tripped and cut his lip a little. the blood scared him, i think, and his screaming made me so sad! i spent a lot of the afternoon calming him down. we ended up building legos. i really love those kids. sometimes when i take care of them i feel like a mom. it sort of makes me smile. sometimes it makes me laugh.
i've been thinking about my time here. i have one more semester at moody. that's it.
this has been a good place.
God has done much in me here.
sometimes i think of this time like you might think of a cherished photograph. you know, the one that you tack above your desk or tuck away in a dusty old shoebox. you can always look at it with deep joy and firm gratitude as something reflective of an experience--a moment--that really changed you. i think i'll always look back on this time as beautiful and hard...an experience rather indescribable and somehow very formative.
sometimes i feel so old...
and life is different than what i expected.
that's ok. i'm glad it's different. i hope it always surprises me.
forced trusting.
He will break in again and again...
i hope it and i pray it, for life is too hard without His interruptions.
even though it is often His interruptions that seem so hard.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
i miss africa
lately i've been remembering things, sorting through old pictures, reading long-ago journal entries...and i miss Africa. i miss the people. i miss the land. i miss a lot of things about it. i can't help but wonder if or when i'll go back. the future seems to clouded sometimes. hmm.
just thinking out loud :)
just thinking out loud :)
Friday, October 30, 2009
wheelock and weekends
i miss latin. that class was the best. i miss Dr. Weir (i even forgot how he spells his name...). i miss his raving tangents and sporadic swearing. what a brilliant man. what a wonderful language. i miss learning a language.
wow. there is a whole lot of missing going on in this post.
i've been thinking about languages again due to the fact that i have recently overheard several conversations about biblical languages, which has made me think about how great it would be to learn hebrew one day. who knows. maybe...
tonight erin, michelle (and her friend from out of town), amy, and i watched Lars and the Real Girl. I forget how much i like that movie until i watch it again. it's really good.
i am SO RELIEVED that it is the weekend. seriously. i don't think i've been this "ready" for one in months. you know that kind of tired that is rooted deep in your bones? that's how i've felt this week...and it's been hard. i hope i can (1) sleep a lot this weekend (2) go for a walk or two by myself (3) journal. all of these are things i have needed and wanted to do but just haven't.
do you ever just stop to think about your life?...ask yourself those questions like "wow, how have i gotten here?" or think, "i didn't anticipate this two years ago..."
lately several people have asked "Andrea, are you seriously thinking grad. school?" and "You really want to do that, don't you?" or "Are you still thinking about Wheaton?" I find myself more and more willing to say "yeah, i really am thinking about grad. school. I do really want to do this. and yes, i think Wheaton is the direction I am moving in." I can't really tell you how excited this makes me...Of course I realize that a decision now does not mean anything is set in stone. things tend to shift and move around. life's timing isn't always what i think...or even want...
i find myself catching my breathe--"the thought of ACTUALLY pursuing a master's at Wheaton seems so unreal..." It's almost like I am considering the possibility of a dream really coming true, and somehow it feels really strange. Good, but strange.
i get excited thinking about a master's in clinical psychology having had the eduction i've received here to undergird it. gosh...aaaah!
ok. i really need to go to bed.
wow. there is a whole lot of missing going on in this post.
i've been thinking about languages again due to the fact that i have recently overheard several conversations about biblical languages, which has made me think about how great it would be to learn hebrew one day. who knows. maybe...
tonight erin, michelle (and her friend from out of town), amy, and i watched Lars and the Real Girl. I forget how much i like that movie until i watch it again. it's really good.
i am SO RELIEVED that it is the weekend. seriously. i don't think i've been this "ready" for one in months. you know that kind of tired that is rooted deep in your bones? that's how i've felt this week...and it's been hard. i hope i can (1) sleep a lot this weekend (2) go for a walk or two by myself (3) journal. all of these are things i have needed and wanted to do but just haven't.
do you ever just stop to think about your life?...ask yourself those questions like "wow, how have i gotten here?" or think, "i didn't anticipate this two years ago..."
lately several people have asked "Andrea, are you seriously thinking grad. school?" and "You really want to do that, don't you?" or "Are you still thinking about Wheaton?" I find myself more and more willing to say "yeah, i really am thinking about grad. school. I do really want to do this. and yes, i think Wheaton is the direction I am moving in." I can't really tell you how excited this makes me...Of course I realize that a decision now does not mean anything is set in stone. things tend to shift and move around. life's timing isn't always what i think...or even want...
i find myself catching my breathe--"the thought of ACTUALLY pursuing a master's at Wheaton seems so unreal..." It's almost like I am considering the possibility of a dream really coming true, and somehow it feels really strange. Good, but strange.
i get excited thinking about a master's in clinical psychology having had the eduction i've received here to undergird it. gosh...aaaah!
ok. i really need to go to bed.
tis the season, i guess
the other night we carved pumpkins AND made christmas cookies while listening to christmas music!! it was really wonderful...
Thursday, October 29, 2009
6 papers in 6 weeks
With six weeks left of school i decided it was necessary to sit down and determine what still has to be done--with regard to major papers/projects. I have 6 papers to write...in 6 weeks.
i think one of the reasons i haven't felt like a student this semester is the lack of writing (except for two 3-5 pagers but they don't count...as a result, i'm not in that "writing mindset.' ugh, i don't like it). i really enjoy writing papers--at least ones that require research, thought, and a heavier sense of quality. so i think at least 4 of these papers will be really fun/challenging to write. here are the subjects:
1. Violence and Memory: Rightly Remembering the Holocaust
2. Postmodern Hermeneutics: Critique, Evaluation, and Application.
3. Implementing Church Planting Methods in the Revival of Existing Congregations
4. A Biblical Theology of Herem: Old Testament Holy War
then I have two to write for my independent study course on the Gospel of John. They aren't as "major," though.
so i guess I have a paper a week to work on. not bad...
and tonight i'm finishing up two others i've had going for a different independent course. it will be nice to only have campus courses next semester...
i think one of the reasons i haven't felt like a student this semester is the lack of writing (except for two 3-5 pagers but they don't count...as a result, i'm not in that "writing mindset.' ugh, i don't like it). i really enjoy writing papers--at least ones that require research, thought, and a heavier sense of quality. so i think at least 4 of these papers will be really fun/challenging to write. here are the subjects:
1. Violence and Memory: Rightly Remembering the Holocaust
2. Postmodern Hermeneutics: Critique, Evaluation, and Application.
3. Implementing Church Planting Methods in the Revival of Existing Congregations
4. A Biblical Theology of Herem: Old Testament Holy War
then I have two to write for my independent study course on the Gospel of John. They aren't as "major," though.
so i guess I have a paper a week to work on. not bad...
and tonight i'm finishing up two others i've had going for a different independent course. it will be nice to only have campus courses next semester...
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
the cat lady
there is an elderly woman who lives on our floor with her cat. she is deaf and so we never talk, but she smiles. i smile back. you know that feeling when smiles are exchanged and it feels like more has been communicated than simply that but you just don't know what? we had that experience today in the elevator.
a few days back her cat got loose (it happens a lot). I was taking the trash to the garbage shoot when she stopped me, mouthing questions and signing her frustration over the lost feline. i apologized, saying "i haven't seen him, but i hope you find him soon." she gave me a sad, exasperated look (like she truly would ring that cats neck once she found him) and I opened the door to the trash closet. guess who ran out? her cat!! he had somehow got stuck in the trash closet. haha. she was so excited to see him. she scooped him up in her arms and they walked back down the hall fully content and happily reunited. it was really cute.
i like the cat lady.
a few days back her cat got loose (it happens a lot). I was taking the trash to the garbage shoot when she stopped me, mouthing questions and signing her frustration over the lost feline. i apologized, saying "i haven't seen him, but i hope you find him soon." she gave me a sad, exasperated look (like she truly would ring that cats neck once she found him) and I opened the door to the trash closet. guess who ran out? her cat!! he had somehow got stuck in the trash closet. haha. she was so excited to see him. she scooped him up in her arms and they walked back down the hall fully content and happily reunited. it was really cute.
i like the cat lady.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
"he has been good to us..."
this is what i told lacy when we were driving back from the airport last night after dropping mariah off. there were tears and heartache and it was painful to let go again, but there is an overwhelming sense of God's goodness in these days. He has been good to gift us with strong friends with whom we share life, climb, fall, explore, wonder, and wrestle. it was good to see sarah and mariah again--to be TOGETHER again. wow, i miss them a lot.
i've been thinking about how patient God is with us. I, in turn, am so impatient with him. this realization has quieted me today and i found myself in the culby 2 prayer room for awhile resting in the silence of that space. sacred moments are everywhere but sometimes they get lost in the business. i have to push for them. we pray that he break in and interrupt. he does that, thankfully, but sometimes we need to interrupt our routines, too.
senioritis has hit me hard this semester. probably because i haven't found my classes all that exhilarating. I look forward to next semester, though, and i think it will be a good one for "going out." gosh, i can hardly believe this time is almost over...
today i registered:
Intro. to Music-someone...?
Contemporary Islam-Dr. Namaan
Senior Seminar-Dr. Schmutzer
Wellness (1/2 semester)-Dunn
Directed Study NT elective-Dr. Peterman
Internship
I'm not sure what the directed study will be. I met with Dr. Peterman today and he said it is wide open--so I'm meeting with him in a week to determine more. I think I'd like to do something in the Gospels but I don't know what. ANYTHING? Gosh, these sorts of decisions are ridiculously hard for me...
I'm going to be a TA for the new Theology of Suffering class. Can't tell you how excited this makes me. I will also be working on my internship (developing a course book for A Biblical Theology of Global Violence). I am eager to devote time to these two, considering that I'll only be taking 13 credits, 4 of which include an intro. class and wellness. yeah, i know, it's a really nice schedule. I'll be working still and I would like to take a local pottery class one night a week. It will be a good semester--I just have to finish pushing through this one first.
i'm exhausted. seriously. everything in me wants to sleep. i'm going to go to the library for a few hours to work on some of my independent study classes and then i hope to get to bed no later than 8:30 or 9:00 tonight.
a thought to leave you with: do you ever feel like you leave your prayers at the feet of God and walk away, uncertain of how they've been received? this might be for any number of reasons--friends are telling you one thing, you are thinking another, God seems silent, your very soul seems pinched--like you want more faith to believe but for some reason it's just really hard right now...? i'm there right now. sometimes it's hard to trust God. it grows wearisome. i trust for others' sake, for my own, for unknown and unspoken things...and there is waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
this weekend was a "sighing of soul" kind of weekend. yes, in talking with friends i uncovered some of these "hard" thoughts and feelings, but i am also living in a deeply contented place. these are my sputterings and i realize they are a little scattered but whatever...ha. i don't care. have a good tuesday afternoon--stop to take deep breathes and, you know, enjoy a beautiful tree or look at the sky :)
i've been thinking about how patient God is with us. I, in turn, am so impatient with him. this realization has quieted me today and i found myself in the culby 2 prayer room for awhile resting in the silence of that space. sacred moments are everywhere but sometimes they get lost in the business. i have to push for them. we pray that he break in and interrupt. he does that, thankfully, but sometimes we need to interrupt our routines, too.
senioritis has hit me hard this semester. probably because i haven't found my classes all that exhilarating. I look forward to next semester, though, and i think it will be a good one for "going out." gosh, i can hardly believe this time is almost over...
today i registered:
Intro. to Music-someone...?
Contemporary Islam-Dr. Namaan
Senior Seminar-Dr. Schmutzer
Wellness (1/2 semester)-Dunn
Directed Study NT elective-Dr. Peterman
Internship
I'm not sure what the directed study will be. I met with Dr. Peterman today and he said it is wide open--so I'm meeting with him in a week to determine more. I think I'd like to do something in the Gospels but I don't know what. ANYTHING? Gosh, these sorts of decisions are ridiculously hard for me...
I'm going to be a TA for the new Theology of Suffering class. Can't tell you how excited this makes me. I will also be working on my internship (developing a course book for A Biblical Theology of Global Violence). I am eager to devote time to these two, considering that I'll only be taking 13 credits, 4 of which include an intro. class and wellness. yeah, i know, it's a really nice schedule. I'll be working still and I would like to take a local pottery class one night a week. It will be a good semester--I just have to finish pushing through this one first.
i'm exhausted. seriously. everything in me wants to sleep. i'm going to go to the library for a few hours to work on some of my independent study classes and then i hope to get to bed no later than 8:30 or 9:00 tonight.
a thought to leave you with: do you ever feel like you leave your prayers at the feet of God and walk away, uncertain of how they've been received? this might be for any number of reasons--friends are telling you one thing, you are thinking another, God seems silent, your very soul seems pinched--like you want more faith to believe but for some reason it's just really hard right now...? i'm there right now. sometimes it's hard to trust God. it grows wearisome. i trust for others' sake, for my own, for unknown and unspoken things...and there is waiting, and waiting, and waiting.
this weekend was a "sighing of soul" kind of weekend. yes, in talking with friends i uncovered some of these "hard" thoughts and feelings, but i am also living in a deeply contented place. these are my sputterings and i realize they are a little scattered but whatever...ha. i don't care. have a good tuesday afternoon--stop to take deep breathes and, you know, enjoy a beautiful tree or look at the sky :)
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
apples and gifted moments
do you ever live days that are obviously "gifted" days? i mean, frequented with moments in which you say to yourself, "this moment is beautiful and so intentionally given to me." today has been one such day. i am privileged to look back on it and say "thank you, my God, for life lived today." the weather couldn't have been better. the colors were spectacular--i think today might have been the peak. the breeze scattered leaves, blowing them into my face as I sat on a sunny bench to eat an apple. i brainstormed a little with Dr. Schmutzer about my internship, continued dialoguing over The End of Memory, and caught some more of the vision i have for my future. i sat on houghton roof with whitney for an hour sipping a blended chai while talking about life, sharing wonder, and sitting in quiet over some of life's not-so-easy questions. i slacklined in washington park for half an hour (stepped in dog poop barefoot, but that's beside the point) and sat in crunchy, musty leaves.
i now find myself sitting in a library cubicle thinking about the homework i don't want to do but need to. Sarah and Mariah come into town in about 6 hrs--i can hardly believe the reunion weekend is here. i am SO anxious to see them. sigh.
i wish i had more time to read the books i've been wanting to read but don't have time to. today in Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil, McDuffee urged us to read, read, read (in particular, the Communist Manifesto). I wish I could take him up on it. Maybe i just need to prioritize a little bit better. hmmm. i might try to incorporate more "other" reading into my schedule. the problem is, the second half of the semester is going to be fuller than the first--lots of papers and projects. i got one of them approved today, which is exciting (and, in turn, motivational). For Cross Cultural Church Planting, a class I am often discouraged by, I have been given permission to write the major research paper/project on how church planting methods can (and ought) be used to revive existing churches. It bothers me how flippantly the class suggests we "give up on" dying churches for the purpose of planting new ones. I'm realizing more and more how much my heart is directed toward healing, nurturing, and ministering to redeem, not simply to create something new. does that make sense? so, with regard to this class, the "appeal" for me is not in starting new churches all the time but rather in addressing WHY existing churches are dying. What's happening here? What do these churches need that they aren't getting? How can we renew the health of congregations...?
My heart bends in the direction of member care...soul care...self care...there is a growing need and wow, if this need is ignored any longer......?
I'm excited to write the paper now.
My major paper for my Holocaust class is on the role of memory in suffering/trauma--specifically, as it relates to the events of the Holocaust. One of the major thinkers/writers i'll be studying is Elie Wiesel. I've already read a bit of his works and am eager to study more. I'm especially anxious to write this one since I've been reading The End of Memory. The idea of redeeming memory has been popping up all over the place recently...
I still have one more sermon to preach in November and am not sure at all what I'd like to do...It's to be a New Testament text. hmm. I'll have to give that one some concerted thought soon.
This has gotten long. sorry. there are a million and one thoughts bouncing around in my head and i had to get some of them out before i dive into this paper i'm writing on 1 Cor. 3:9-17....i am very ready to be done with this paper...i've been looking at it for far too long. sigh.
ok. gotta go.
i hope you live to recognize gifted moments this week! they are there, but sometimes they are shy and quiet. just look.
i now find myself sitting in a library cubicle thinking about the homework i don't want to do but need to. Sarah and Mariah come into town in about 6 hrs--i can hardly believe the reunion weekend is here. i am SO anxious to see them. sigh.
i wish i had more time to read the books i've been wanting to read but don't have time to. today in Holocaust and the Crisis of Evil, McDuffee urged us to read, read, read (in particular, the Communist Manifesto). I wish I could take him up on it. Maybe i just need to prioritize a little bit better. hmmm. i might try to incorporate more "other" reading into my schedule. the problem is, the second half of the semester is going to be fuller than the first--lots of papers and projects. i got one of them approved today, which is exciting (and, in turn, motivational). For Cross Cultural Church Planting, a class I am often discouraged by, I have been given permission to write the major research paper/project on how church planting methods can (and ought) be used to revive existing churches. It bothers me how flippantly the class suggests we "give up on" dying churches for the purpose of planting new ones. I'm realizing more and more how much my heart is directed toward healing, nurturing, and ministering to redeem, not simply to create something new. does that make sense? so, with regard to this class, the "appeal" for me is not in starting new churches all the time but rather in addressing WHY existing churches are dying. What's happening here? What do these churches need that they aren't getting? How can we renew the health of congregations...?
My heart bends in the direction of member care...soul care...self care...there is a growing need and wow, if this need is ignored any longer......?
I'm excited to write the paper now.
My major paper for my Holocaust class is on the role of memory in suffering/trauma--specifically, as it relates to the events of the Holocaust. One of the major thinkers/writers i'll be studying is Elie Wiesel. I've already read a bit of his works and am eager to study more. I'm especially anxious to write this one since I've been reading The End of Memory. The idea of redeeming memory has been popping up all over the place recently...
I still have one more sermon to preach in November and am not sure at all what I'd like to do...It's to be a New Testament text. hmm. I'll have to give that one some concerted thought soon.
This has gotten long. sorry. there are a million and one thoughts bouncing around in my head and i had to get some of them out before i dive into this paper i'm writing on 1 Cor. 3:9-17....i am very ready to be done with this paper...i've been looking at it for far too long. sigh.
ok. gotta go.
i hope you live to recognize gifted moments this week! they are there, but sometimes they are shy and quiet. just look.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
mmm pumpkin muffins
i'm eating one of yesterday mornings pumpkin muffins from this recipe: smitten kitchen. I added chopped walnuts to the tops of them...delicious :)
A lot's happened since i last posted. peter mulvey came and went (it was an amazing show)
Kira is here visiting. It's been delightful having her here. man oh man, the best reunion ever :)
we've spend tons of time laughing, telling and remembering good stories, walking around chicago, watching movies, making good food...yesterday was our day in the city--the first "sunny" day since she got here wednesday night. It was a shedd aquarium free day so we made our way all the way down there only to find that the line was insanely long.
we didn't even think twice about waiting.
so we walked back up Michigan ave., saw the bean, took pictures, drank pumpkin spice lattes, ate chipotle, walked up to chicago, went into water tower, etc.
It was a lot of fun. The city was chaotic and busy which made us laugh on more than one occasion. It reminded us of Elf so, naturally, we watched it last night. Such a good movie. we made shrinky dinks (i had never made them before!) and then had breakfast burritos and smoothies for dinner.
Today is church and then Karyn's Cooked (vegan restaurant) for lunch! Then we have a few more craft projects we want to work on...maybe go to the bead store on Wells and work on Christmas presents for people. sigh...it's been so wonderful to have her here. i love our friendship.
In other news, my sister is PREGNANT again! Yes, I am super excited. She's due may 25. ack!!
Alright. I should get going. Hopefully this was a sufficient update for my long absence :) The days have been dreary, cold, and wet. Not at all beautiful fall days--except for windows of sun. Grey days are hard for me...
A lot's happened since i last posted. peter mulvey came and went (it was an amazing show)
Kira is here visiting. It's been delightful having her here. man oh man, the best reunion ever :)
we've spend tons of time laughing, telling and remembering good stories, walking around chicago, watching movies, making good food...yesterday was our day in the city--the first "sunny" day since she got here wednesday night. It was a shedd aquarium free day so we made our way all the way down there only to find that the line was insanely long.
we didn't even think twice about waiting.
so we walked back up Michigan ave., saw the bean, took pictures, drank pumpkin spice lattes, ate chipotle, walked up to chicago, went into water tower, etc.
It was a lot of fun. The city was chaotic and busy which made us laugh on more than one occasion. It reminded us of Elf so, naturally, we watched it last night. Such a good movie. we made shrinky dinks (i had never made them before!) and then had breakfast burritos and smoothies for dinner.
Today is church and then Karyn's Cooked (vegan restaurant) for lunch! Then we have a few more craft projects we want to work on...maybe go to the bead store on Wells and work on Christmas presents for people. sigh...it's been so wonderful to have her here. i love our friendship.
In other news, my sister is PREGNANT again! Yes, I am super excited. She's due may 25. ack!!
Alright. I should get going. Hopefully this was a sufficient update for my long absence :) The days have been dreary, cold, and wet. Not at all beautiful fall days--except for windows of sun. Grey days are hard for me...
Thursday, October 08, 2009
you know when you read something that is as if it were spoken by your own heart? you think, "ah, you've captured what i somehow cannot, thank you..."
So writes Heschel:
"Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal." -Abraham Heschel
"Awe enables us to perceive in the world intimations of the divine, to sense in small things the beginning of infinite significance, to sense the ultimate in the common and the simple; to feel in the rush of the passing the stillness of the eternal." -Abraham Heschel
God of the absurdities
I really enjoyed my Life in Bible Times class last Tuesday. Sometimes he is scattered and hard to follow (learning to teach still) but he had some really wonderful points last class. We were talking about Wisdom Literature--both in the Bible and the ANE (ancient near east). In discussing Job, he mentioned how when the absurdities of this world are experienced--things that hurt, cause questioning, don't make sense, etc.--we can remember God as master of the absurdities, which is what He reveals Himself to be in Scripture. He engages the broken heart in dialogue, lament, and questioning. He closes the lion's mouth. He calms the raging sea. As revealed in the book of Job, He is Creator of the universe, in management of that universe, and rules over the wild (other-worldly) creatures that are outside of man's domain.
When you encounter the absurd, who is God and what does He say? This moment of question, for many, is a loss of faith. The God of the Bible reveals himself as master of the absurdities...and God reigns over the things you have yet to encounter and experience.
So we wrestle to develop a true and honest theology in the midst of these hard things (faith trying to make sense of experience). We learn lament, we build community, we share lives with each other, we open our homes...
The Bible doesn't offer pristine, downloadable theology such that we "plug in" and transfer an easy-to-live faith.
- - - - - - -
Come and see, look on this mystery
The Lord of the Universe, nailed to a tree
Christ our God, spilling His Holy blood
Bowing in anguish, His sacred head
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing of His faithfulness, pouring His life out unto death
Come you weary and He will give you rest
Come you who mourn, lay on His breast
Christ who died, risen in Paradise
Giver of mercy, Giver of Life
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
When you encounter the absurd, who is God and what does He say? This moment of question, for many, is a loss of faith. The God of the Bible reveals himself as master of the absurdities...and God reigns over the things you have yet to encounter and experience.
So we wrestle to develop a true and honest theology in the midst of these hard things (faith trying to make sense of experience). We learn lament, we build community, we share lives with each other, we open our homes...
The Bible doesn't offer pristine, downloadable theology such that we "plug in" and transfer an easy-to-live faith.
- - - - - - -
Come and see, look on this mystery
The Lord of the Universe, nailed to a tree
Christ our God, spilling His Holy blood
Bowing in anguish, His sacred head
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing of His faithfulness, pouring His life out unto death
Come you weary and He will give you rest
Come you who mourn, lay on His breast
Christ who died, risen in Paradise
Giver of mercy, Giver of Life
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
Sing to Jesus, Lord of our shame
Lord of our sinful hearts.
He is our great Redeemer.
Sing to Jesus, Honor His name.
Sing to Jesus His is the throne
Now and forever,
He is the King of Heaven.
Sing to Jesus, we are His own.
Now and forever sing for the love our God has shown.
Monday, October 05, 2009
confession
autumn makes me think of candles which makes me think of winter and christmas...which makes me think of christmas music. so...what has my recent urge been? you guessed it, christmas music. i have three of sufjan stevens christmas albums. they are incredible. but i told myself not until november. who starts listening to christmas music in OCTOBER???!! This is nonsense. erin--brilliant roommate that she is--said i could listen to ONE song to "get it out of my system." I hope it works. We're currently listening to Sufjan's "O Come, O Come, Emmanuel." this is one of my favorite christmas songs. sigh...
ok. to the books!!!
ok. to the books!!!
fly, fly away
George Eliot said something to the effect that if he were a bird, he would fly around the world chasing the successive autumns. i think i would, too.
today i am grateful for a warm home, a bed, food, and this hot cup of coffee i am now drinking. so many don't have these things and we are entering into colder seasons and longer/darker days. for me there is the joy and anticipation of family gatherings, tradition, meals, gifts, togetherness. i enjoy this time of year very much--mom always said i was the family "traditionalist." well, i am aware of those who don't share the same joy and anticipation of this season--even friends close to me. my season of "full-heart" reminders is another soul's season of pain and "heart-loss." Lord, step into our seasons of unique need.
today i am grateful for a warm home, a bed, food, and this hot cup of coffee i am now drinking. so many don't have these things and we are entering into colder seasons and longer/darker days. for me there is the joy and anticipation of family gatherings, tradition, meals, gifts, togetherness. i enjoy this time of year very much--mom always said i was the family "traditionalist." well, i am aware of those who don't share the same joy and anticipation of this season--even friends close to me. my season of "full-heart" reminders is another soul's season of pain and "heart-loss." Lord, step into our seasons of unique need.
Friday, October 02, 2009
oh, unashamed life!
life doesn't ask permission. things happen to us--so unexpectedly sometimes. each new moment offers opportunities and challenges; choices and possibilities. how we react and respond to these circumstances has a lot to say about the meaning we find in life.
lately i've been bloated with joy. at times it almost seems like a terrible distraction. i find myself asking, again, "is it possible to love my life too much?" you know, in the christian community we like to emphasize that we are "made for another world" and "citizens of heaven." this is true, of course. i still agree with Lewis that "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was made for a different world." But, we are also humans--temporal--living in a temporal world. i believe the loves and pleasures we rightly enjoy here on earth are reflections of a greater--fuller--expression of those things in heaven. as one friend put it, we are experiencing "flecks of heaven" on this earth. I can imagine Brueggemann calling them "cadences of home."
when i walk to and from work there's a tree on the side of the road that is one of a kind: it is changing color before all the others. i have stopped several times to pick up leaves for pressing. i catch my breath at the beauty.
at times my heart feels near bursting when i feel the morning sun on my face or catch the twinkle in the eye of a passing stranger. i am very pleased with my life. i love what i am learning. i am privileged to struggle in order that growth and maturity might be possible. i am grateful that God has given me so much (grace upon grace)--a strong, thinking mind, a hopeful heart, a vibrant soul. i don't ever want to take these things for granted.
I'm still reading The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World. It's taking me a long time because of all the other things i am doing along the way. It is a troublesome read for me because it stirs some of the "same old" concerns and frustrations. Like...if we, as the church, don't develop a theology of suffering, we have no way of entering into this "redemptive memory" and the task of "remembering rightly." we won't be able to bring healing through (and to) memory.
yes, this troubles me. I am troubled that there is so little care and concern about this subject. the world speaks using voices of suffering. the souls of the world are well acquainted with lament-speech. the hearts of the world long for truth-telling about the condition they're in. this cannot be done without developing a theology of suffering. this cannot be done if the church does not learn to hear voices of suffering and lament, for the hope of telling the truth about God, about redemption, and about humankind.
more and more i want to engage this issue. more and more i want to find ways to get my head, hands, and heart deeper involved.
as image-bearers and ambassadors, can we be agents and avenues of redemption in this world? how can we challenge and encourage the church (ourselves) to be a better expression of this redemption?
these questions poke and prod me.
well, it's been a long week and i'm exhausted. goodnight, all. i hope tonight finds you well--able to enjoy a fall night wherever you are. think of noticing the beauty of our days. let it catch your breath.
lately i've been bloated with joy. at times it almost seems like a terrible distraction. i find myself asking, again, "is it possible to love my life too much?" you know, in the christian community we like to emphasize that we are "made for another world" and "citizens of heaven." this is true, of course. i still agree with Lewis that "if i find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that i was made for a different world." But, we are also humans--temporal--living in a temporal world. i believe the loves and pleasures we rightly enjoy here on earth are reflections of a greater--fuller--expression of those things in heaven. as one friend put it, we are experiencing "flecks of heaven" on this earth. I can imagine Brueggemann calling them "cadences of home."
when i walk to and from work there's a tree on the side of the road that is one of a kind: it is changing color before all the others. i have stopped several times to pick up leaves for pressing. i catch my breath at the beauty.
at times my heart feels near bursting when i feel the morning sun on my face or catch the twinkle in the eye of a passing stranger. i am very pleased with my life. i love what i am learning. i am privileged to struggle in order that growth and maturity might be possible. i am grateful that God has given me so much (grace upon grace)--a strong, thinking mind, a hopeful heart, a vibrant soul. i don't ever want to take these things for granted.
I'm still reading The End of Memory: Remembering Rightly in a Violent World. It's taking me a long time because of all the other things i am doing along the way. It is a troublesome read for me because it stirs some of the "same old" concerns and frustrations. Like...if we, as the church, don't develop a theology of suffering, we have no way of entering into this "redemptive memory" and the task of "remembering rightly." we won't be able to bring healing through (and to) memory.
yes, this troubles me. I am troubled that there is so little care and concern about this subject. the world speaks using voices of suffering. the souls of the world are well acquainted with lament-speech. the hearts of the world long for truth-telling about the condition they're in. this cannot be done without developing a theology of suffering. this cannot be done if the church does not learn to hear voices of suffering and lament, for the hope of telling the truth about God, about redemption, and about humankind.
more and more i want to engage this issue. more and more i want to find ways to get my head, hands, and heart deeper involved.
as image-bearers and ambassadors, can we be agents and avenues of redemption in this world? how can we challenge and encourage the church (ourselves) to be a better expression of this redemption?
these questions poke and prod me.
well, it's been a long week and i'm exhausted. goodnight, all. i hope tonight finds you well--able to enjoy a fall night wherever you are. think of noticing the beauty of our days. let it catch your breath.
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