Saturday, March 20, 2010

spring snowfall

oh eddie vedder, i am enjoying your sound. into the wild soundtrack. like it so much. pandora "ray lamontagne" station=great.

it's been snowing all day. oh goodness...

and i've been grading papers and working on my internships all day. i'm getting closer and closer to putting the syllabus together. have i mentioned that this project kind of makes me want to be a professor? i don't know what that means (or will mean) but, it is what it is right now :)

last night i couldn't fall asleep until 2AM! what?! i don't understand how i can go to bed tired...and not sleep. uuuugh. i ended up reading through an old journal from a few years ago. i really enjoy reading through old journals. when i do, i am always (always) made to realize something rather important that i have either forgotten or overlooked. do you sometimes feel like you understood more "back then" than you do now? last night i felt that my faith was somehow stronger back then, August 8, 2008,

Recognize the growing "urge" to walk away from Him...from Him who is life. The thought is terrifying and I wept before the Lord as I confessed it tonight. And as I did so, I think I was able to "determine" why it is I feel this way. I'm angry with Him...I'm angry because I long to see the lives of those I now love at the Club [this was when I was working at the Tucson Country Club] made new, whole--given hope. I don't see God changing them and I suppose I've "despaired." What a wretched response. Weak heart I have. Sigh. There's a beauty in the brokenness I feel. I am grateful to the Lord for placing me here. A job obviously provided by Him. A job I hated. A place I "wanted out of." An environment that seemed impossible. Now (two weeks left), though I'm feeling ready to go back to school, I feel deeply sad. Frustrated to be, once again, saying goodbye to a group of people I might not ever see or work with again. I have an empty feeling when I think that they will be out of my days in a few short weeks...My desire was to stay in Chicago, working and taking summer school. I saw no "reason" to be home in Tucson working. Goes to show how nearsighted we are...Forgive my anger toward you--forgive this unbelief. Restore to me the grace to walk in mystery and trust you when I don't feel I know how. Help me keep this faith alive when I don't even want to.

We are always in a place requiring us to trust and entrust. I am increasingly aware of our tendency to mistrust. I had forgotten what a difficult summer that was--how I hated it and wanted nothing to do with that environment. He changed my heart tremendously and redeemed that experience right out from under me. Life is full of new places, new steps, new "seasons," as we say, and its so easy to forget what happened in the last place, step, and season.

I've been doing a lot of "forced" remembering lately. Maybe that's why I can't sleep...
God's reminding me of old things and calling me to new things. The other night I got out of bed to write Dad a letter that I've had in mind to write for quite awhile. I wanted to tell him "thank you" for being a good Dad. So many of my friends have been profoundly abused and broken by their Fathers. I am grateful that, while of course Dad has faults/quirks (and sometimes I am too vocal in pointing them out), he has been the protector of me. He has cared for me body, soul, and spirit. This is something I am increasingly and deeply thankful for. I had to thank him. I don't thank people enough--for their place in my life, for the things they say (or don't), for the examples they are, for the admiration I feel. There are so many people around me that I consider it a privilege to rub shoulders with. Why don't we name the beautiful things that are often a result of "life together"? A challenge for us: to be people that name life and live it--in all its hurt and delight; beauty and brokenness. I am under the impression that such an approach will help us be honest will demand that we speak to God, speak to ourselves, and speak to others about this life--this world--our faith, and the hope we maintain for things after all of this. Wouldn't it be a "thicker" living?

I don't know. It's just a thought. I should probably get back to work :)

[Sam Beam just sang from my speakers, "So may the sunrise bring hope where it once was forgotten," from Upward over the Mountain. I love this song. I love that line...]


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Stephanie said...

Ahh...old journals. It almost terrifies me to read them. Especially the ones from MS/HS. So many emotions. In fact, I've *almost* thrown them away a few times. But sometimes there are very good lessons to be learned in "the remembering" of bygone times...