taking my own advice

i'm not always good at listening to my own advice. after two years of good learning about "self care" and "rest," it's time to live it a little.

after years of ministry, mom is putting herself on sabbatical. listening to her talk about her plans of intentional rest, anticipated care for necessary responsibilities, and dreams for the new space in life (for things like reading, writing, praying, and living other activities that have been put on hold) brought something in me to the surface. it was that funny little question mark deep in me about school next year--launching myself onto the road to Wheaton for grad. school. i've got this summer course in General Psychology right now. easy, i know, and truly basic. but it has been really hard to motivate myself to work on it. when mom finished talking i said, "gosh, mom, my soul needs something like that." of course, mom has always voiced her concern(s) about my "burnout." so she said i should consider the possibility of taking the fall semester off.

the thought scares me. a lot. it scares me to put my "plan" (or should i say "dream"?) on hold. but you know what? my "plan" hasn't been very inviting to me recently. i can't articulate my vision very well. my heart feels weak and my passion and ambition feel spent. in other words, this isn't to say i don't like my plan or want to keep my plan :) this is to say that i need a break. last year took a lot out of me--in many ways. i need to slow down. i need to make space for a few new things...

[i can tell you another time what i think about God and us and the living of our dreams...how i think that the dreams/passions we have aren't an accident and that life is probably a lot about the redemption of those dreams and learning how to live life with God and others as this happens]

**so, here are some things i want to bring into my life this year (and in no particular order):

that pottery class i've been putting off

wednesday night knitting and wine at Sister Arts studio in late fall and winter

personal study (biblical/theological concepts that my life longs to develop and live)

english tutoring (or, rather, keeping up the friendship with Rasha and family)

involvement at church/time to volunteer

writing (poetry, stories, letters, journaling)

prayer (creative outlets for developing prayer in my life. call me crazy but this will most likely include paper, glue, scissors, and a host of other "crafty" elements...)

growing friendships near and far (working on communication and living life together)

i don't just want to spend this year at work, in classes, and doing homework. i want to live it with time and space to renew some of the richness that i feel i have either forgotten, overlooked, or gotten too busy for. i need to practice some self-care. i need to swallow the advice i have given others :)

want to help? please be praying. those of you close to me (and/or who know me well) know that this is a difficult and frightening decision. Jake reminded me that it is a position and posture of trust. i like that because he's right, it's true of me in this place now but it's also true of life in general (and for all of us). for now, this time right out of college is a time to develop habits and set realistic goals for myself as i learn to live each day in faith (not weeks, months, years, but just days). i can't do that unless i create the space for it and i haven't found the space for it because i've been going, going, going. i need to just be with the Lord for awhile.

So...i'm going to call COD tomorrow and discuss the status of my deposit and class registration. i'll see if i can just hold off until next semester or what...i don't really know. like i said, it's scary. but i think it's a really good thing. there's a quiet freedom in this decision and a settled sort of "yes" that keeps calling out from inside of me. i like that. it sort of sounds like that quiet confirmation that the Holy Spirit whispers when you're on the right path. so i guess i should be all gratefulness. i am, i think, but i am also really unsure. there's a lot to be unsure about come mid August :)

life, you are so uncertain. you are so exciting. you are all we have to live and we want to live you well.

"Let me hear of your unfailing love each morning, for I am trusting you. Show me where to walk, for I give myself to you...teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your gracious Spirit lead me forward on a firm footing." -Psalm 143:8-10 NLT

life will get ya

there are days when life feels a little like a slap in the face. it's almost as if it decides it needs to remind you of something, "hey, remember me--life? yeah, i'm still here." it's not even that we forget we are living (maybe we do, i don't know) but more like we forget that life is what it is: a sore throat in the morning when you felt fine the night before, a cough that won't go away, word of discovered cancer in a family member, a split-second car accident (yes, this happened today. sigh). life steps in boldly in these moments--very painfully in some of them--and reminds that things are short, time moves fast, we don't know what the next moment holds. all we have is a whole lot of "now's" strung together to make this thing called life. And i'm reminded that i want to live my now's well. I want to remember to treasure the simple things, to banner the eternal things, to hope for the wholeness of things, to rest in the mystery of things.

This week has been a little pebbly--several unexpected happenings to kick things off. I'm still trying to chip away at my psychology class. I have a lot to get done in a short amount of time. I still feel like I need a break from school but then I'll be taking two classes in the fall. Sometimes I have mixed feelings about this.

I love living with Lacy and Mariah. I cherish times when we laugh together over stupid things, enjoy watching a movie, sit quietly around the kitchen thinking and talking about life's hard realities, and listen to each other cry when the days bring tears. I keep praying that God will make this year a time of good fellowship and intimate community--the kind that can, yes, be uncomfortable but teaches the necessary and beautiful lessons of life. you know, those ones that infuse our days with a certain richness.

Last weekend was wonderful. I went up to Wisconsin on Thursday and enjoyed good time with Jake and his family. We climbed a beautiful old train bridge (i only made it halfway so I didn't actually climb the thing) on Friday. Mariah came up Saturday and we watched the U.S. vs. Ghana game together with Jake's grandparents. Sunday was a great summer day--big cookout at the house after church; roadtrip to Sheboygan for the Peter Mulvey concert.





We walked the Sheboygan lake shore for a while and then grabbed Thai before the show. It was at a great coffee shop full of character and comfy couches. There were only about 15 others there. he had played a 3 hr show earlier in the day and was visibly tired, including his voice, but it was still really wonderful and completely worth it. Thanks to Jake, I actually talked to the man. I know, crazy right? I don't normally do stuff like that. But i really wanted to hear Knuckleball Suite (seriously, its the summer song) and so Jake convinced me to go up to him after and request it. He had already left the stage and the shop had put on their own music. But I skittishly approached him and tapped him on the shoulder, "um, i have a random question. I drove up from Chicago for this [i know what you might be thinking but this is not entirely untrue] and I would really love it if you played Knuckleball Suite." he looked at me doubtfully, looked at the sound guy, and then back at me. "If it's too late, I understand." He turned back to the sound guy who said "what the hell," to which Peter Mulvey responded "what the hell!" and went back on stage.

Yes, he played Knuckleball Suite. hmm. it was beautiful. it was perfect. that song almost always makes me want to cry. i think he was really glad i asked him. he thanked me. that made me happy, because he truly did seem to enjoy playing it for us.

As You Know

I've been reading Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott. I'm really enjoying it. Just want to share a few quotes from the book.

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace--only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." Later she adds, "I don't know why life isn't constructed to be seamless and safe, why we make such glaring mistakes, things fall so short of our expectations, and our hearts get broken and our kids do scary things and our parents get old and don't always remember to put pants on before they go out for a stroll. I don't know why it's not more like it is in the movies, why things don't come out neatly and lessons can't be learned when you're in the mood for learning them, why love and grace often come in such motley packaging."

This morning I am cleaning, doing laundry, running a few errands, and packing for Wisconsin. I don't work today or tomorrow so I'm leaving the city. Mariah is taking the train up on Saturday and we'll explore the area while Jake shoots a wedding. Then, on Sunday is the Peter Mulvey concert. WOO! Good things ahead :)

the travel itch

i want to take a trip. i mean really take a trip. i'd like to tour America's heartland, stopping at local B&B's and no-name hotels with small diners attached. I want to explore the east coast--tour lighthouses, walk along undisturbed beaches, dig for clams. I want to explore the west coast--drive up highway one, camp on the beach, admire the redwood forests. i want to meet the people that make the character of these places and enjoy the natural beauty that defines these different parts of the country. i want to experience the difference in culture--food, dress, lifestyle. i want to pack a cooler full of food and throw a tent in the back of my car and go...

"i smiled at how you love this place..."

I thought it appropriate to quote Peter Mulvey right about now. First, because i am listening to him at this moment. Second, because i will be seeing him in concert again a week from Sunday. I never tire of listening to his music. Songs that tell stories that capture the moments of life, beauty of life, people of life, difficulties of life, experiences of life, hardly ever get old.

I've caught myself smiling a lot lately--smiling at how i "love this place" (i.e., wherever I happen to find myself at that moment): driving in the car (with someone or alone), admiring farm country (obviously when I am out of the city), walking down the sidewalk, smiling at strangers passing by, playing with little boys I nanny (teaching kids about life is included here :)), talking with friends, phone conversations, rock climbing, exploring new towns and cities, cooking, watering my plants (lame, maybe, but i like watching them grow), reading, smelling the rain, enjoying days without humidity (wonderful!), writing letters, praying questions (learning to be content with lots of unanswered ones), wondering about life, resting (trying not to be so restless as I do ;))...

I'm finally reading Traveling Mercies: Some Thoughts on Faith by Anne Lamott. It's really wonderful so far, I'm enjoying it. More thoughts as I get further into it :) For now it's just a great summer read and helping me rethink some things about living life.

Lately I've had days in which I feel really young--life is all new and fresh--and days in which I feel old--life is rushing past without me (some "this is it" and some "let's get on with it!" if that makes any sense). It feels a little strange to have both of these sensations but I'm confident the Lord has a purpose in these lessons I'm learning, thoughts I'm having, and experiences I'm living...now.

This weekend we're painting :) I'll be posting new pictures sometime next week, I'm sure. Can't wait...

from my morning spot

(a.k.a., the chair by the living room window)

it's a gorgeous morning and the birds are chirpy in the trees outside. aaah. last night walking home from work i saw fireflies. in the city!! these are the marks of summer, and i am enjoying it very much :)

i didn't sleep very well last night because horns, fireworks, and noisemakers of all kinds kept waking me up. yes, the blackhawks won the stanley cup. WOOO!! our neighbors (he's a blackhawk) were t-peed last night. a few of the players were out front this morning cleaning up. they can play hockey but they cannot climb trees. it was pretty pathetic. and funny.

mondays and wednesdays are looong days at work. yesterday i took the little guys to Starbucks to visit Lacy at work. we packed a picnic snack. it was fun--they really are so cute. whenever I take them out, though, i end up having to explain to someone that "no, they aren't mine. i'm just the sitter." it's because we're all blondes. i'm sure i've mentioned before that I feel an immediate connection to blonde kids. we get along :)

if little boys get their energy from the diets they keep, then i should probably start slurping down dirty rain water and scavenging for stale cheerios in the crevices of...everything.

needless to say, i'm excited to have boys someday.

yesterday i played out back with S and C. it was so wonderful. we played corn in the hole, swung on the swings, and then i watched them skip around their neighbors garden for awhile. it was so bright and sunny and everything seemed green. a big butterfly landed on C but he didn't let it stay very long to which S exclaimed, "C! Those moments don't happen often. You really ought to have savored it!" and C asked, "What does 'savor' mean?" haha. they are so funny sometimes.

this is my morning off. i'm going to write a few letters, i think. i also need to do laundry and run a few errands. one of these days i should make bread. i also need to get cracking on my online summer course. i finally got the textbook in the mail a few days ago. i have until July 26 to finish it.

i'm almost finished re-reading the Great Divorce. goodness, this book is so fantastic. what are you reading? any suggestions?

I get more and more excited everyday for the visit to VA in July.

these days have been full but quiet, and i am grateful for that. God is a silent presence which can feel a little disconcerting at times. nevertheless, i'm experiencing Him in rich, simple ways and He knows what and how i need Him most as i learn to live and love.

isn't it interesting how we are always learning and relearning things? i suppose that's what it means to be made new.

thoughts from a big fat book

"'Who am I?' is the fundamental question of our existence. Our self-identity is the window through which we perceive and engage the world; it determines all that we do. Our 'inscape,' using the poet Gerald Manley Hopkins's term, determines our landscape. This identity, or 'inscape,' is formed by two factors: memory and destiny. Without a memory a person loses identity, and without a history to sustain it, a society and the world around it become virtually phantom realities. Memories of our past inform who we are, shape our self-understanding, and give us a vision of our destiny, and that vision or hope moves us forward, forging our will and determination. If we suffered amnesia, forgetting our home and community, we would confess that we were lost, uncertain of our identity. Our collective history shapes our thinking; our sense of destiny moves us to reach beyond ourselves, motivating us to desire and to strive" (emphasis mine).

--Bruce Waltke, Old Testament Theology

the kitchen windowsill (and a quick tour of the big blue house)

i love the kitchen windowsill. why? you'll see...

And now for a brief tour. It's a rather cloudy day for pictures but many of you have been wanting to see the place. Here it is! Except for the bedroom, which is currently in chaos.

The nice big kitchen with lots of counter space:

The entry/living room (keep in mind that 1. we haven't painted yet 2. we don't quite have all our furniture 3. nothing is up on the walls...):

The library and spiral staircase. ahh, i really love this room. The light through that window is fantastic...

The upstairs (affectionately referred to as the "tree house") is home to our little family/tv room at the top of the stairs and our bedroom next door. it is cozy (hot in the summer but warm, we hope, in the winter)!

These windows (in the living room) are my favorite (actually, can i have favorites? the kitchen windows are great, too. i just really appreciate light :)). in the daytime, the sun shines through the green leaves of those big beautiful trees and throws shadows across the wood floor. at night, the street lamps cast an eerie glow through their branches and fill the room with quiet light. i told you, i love these windows.

That's our little home. God has been so good to us and we are very grateful :)

woods and camping and family

this post makes me so happy: check it out!

lately i've been excited thinking about having kids. everyone has told me that being a nanny is the best form of natural birth control. this is true, sometimes, but it is also just such a fun opportunity to interact with kids, play make-believe, and learn a lot. i'm enjoying it very much. and i'm thinking and dreaming about my own family. someday. and it involves lots of adventuring.

seriously, check out that post. the pictures are wonderful :)

on my way to work...

i see many things.

i am lucky to have a job that i can walk to--and through such a fun neighborhood!

you know that your day starts out right when, leaving the house, you witness a three-way squirrel fight in the big tree out front and jump when one of them screeches, falls a good ten feet out of the air, and lands on the top of that black car out front. WHAM! haaaaahahahahaa. the other two jump down, there is LOTS of screeching, and they all scurry off. I laugh. i wonder what the fight was about. and i keep walking.

i round the corner to find a line of 15-20 people waiting for the local Village Discount to open. yes, it's a great little thrift store, but 8:30am on a Monday?! weird. what made me smile most was the fact that most all of them were speaking spanish. I love moments like that when i'm reminded of Mexico and suddenly feel like i'm somehow "at home" with these dear people. i think i'm getting anxious for a visit to the Sierra Madre. but my life is in illinois right now. that seems strange to me sometimes.

i have the day off work after all. i got there and no one was home--somehow we miscommunicated about today. oh well. i went to trader joe's to get groceries for the week. have i told you that i decided awhile ago that every time i get groceries there i must try something new (since the place is full of so many wonderful things)? two weeks ago the pick was their flaxseed and hemp tortilla chips. new favorite: yum. today i got a package of frozen mango chunks for summer smoothies. I also stocked up on a wider range of fresh fruit: cantaloupe, grapefruit, bananas, apples, and strawberries. I've decided I need to get more fresh things in me when the weather is so hot and thick. it helps, trust me.

i am going to read Waltke's OT Theology for awhile before starting in on more cleaning/organizing. when lacy wakes up i might convince her that we should stop on over to the Village Discount to see what all the monday fuss is about--maybe its something I'm not in on...

i hope today has been as delightful for you as it has been for me by 10:30 in the morning. seriously, that squirrel fight was amazing. wish you could have seen it. sigh.

summer is here

only two weeks into summer and i can say that i have...

gone on a roadtrip (a few, in fact)

planted tomatoes and a pot of basil and thyme

enjoyed a 312 (the only beer i've decided i can say i "like")

eaten a hot dog

collected lakeshore stones and driftwood

begun summer letter-writing

enjoyed backyard "make believe" with a 5 and 9 year old

gone kayaking on a pond

aided in the capture of a beautiful painted turtle (and watched the delight of two little boys who held it captive in a bucket on the beach for awhile)

jumped into a lake on a summer night

gone slacklining

begun summer reading

gotten sunburned

...the list goes on a bit...

the point is, things are off to a very pleasant start :)

here are a few of Jake's pictures from the trip to the U.P.

I absolutely love this one. haha. this was mom and dad's first house after they were married. it's now being turned into a "historic home" up near the old copper mine...crazy.

the Calument Water Works. This is one of the world's most beautiful beaches, I'm convinced. breathtaking shoreline...

out near our Coles Creek house:

the bridge! man, I love this place...

and there is much yet to look forward to. these are good days.

oh, and i mustn't forget, i also became an aunt "again."

i can hardly wait to see these two in July...

welcome to the neighborhood

have i mentioned how much i love our new neighborhood? aaaah, it's absolutely wonderful. it is quiet and quaint and feels "small town." in the mornings, people are out walking dogs, chatting at starbucks, eating breakfast at any of several local diners/cafes--its great. i smile almost every time i walk or drive through :) the Trader Joe's is full of wonderful people that i consider "friends" in some way simply because they 1. live in the neighborhood 2. seem like people i'd be friends with 3. shop at trader joe's (of course).

i am currently at starbucks sitting in a booth (it is a converted restaurant so it is especially wonderful and unique). i'm writing the last paper of my Moody career. it's true, i have one more to finish up before grades are due on the 31st. i've been working on this one in my head and heart all semester--The Problem of Sin and the Image of God: Sin's Consequences for Life and Faith. i spent some time in Moody's library this morning as a "visitor" (so read my parking permit and ID). so strange. it is the weirdest feeling driving downtown now days. suddenly my life in Chicago is so different. changed forever. i am excited about the ways in which my existence in this big city is changing, it's just a little awkward--like an outfit half grown into...

it's been in the 80's and humid. this girl from the west knows NOTHING of how to survive the humidity. basically i just get grumpy. sorry, world, i will try to get over it. sigh. who ever thought you could take a shower at 7am and need another by 9am??!! YUCK. we don't have air conditioning either. last night we put the window unit in our bedroom which helped IMMENSELY. we can now sleep at night. bonus! otherwise we hang out downstairs most of the time because it is possibly 10 degrees cooler down there.

last night was Monday night at Waterhouse. It's a favorite place--$3 burgers and $3 beer of the month on Mondays. Lace and I have been addicted to their burgers for awhile. mmm. i should give a shout out to their sweet potato fries. yum.

summer reading thus far includes a re-reading of The End of the Affair. that book entirely shook my world the first time I read it. i still remember coming back from starbucks after having finished it, feeling like i had just met with God (at starbucks!!!??!). the book is (among other things) a remarkable picture of God's fidelity and our frustrating infidelity. it's a raw and refreshing kind of honest.

i'll let you know what else I decide to pick up this summer. i have high hopes for good reading :)

how are you enjoying the first days of summer? i pray with sensitivity to how God will live with you these months, pulling and pushing you in new ways on these summer days. also, i pray for refreshment and enjoyment. live full these bright, brief and blessed days!

[p.s. i am an aunt times 2! little baby girl mcgee (yet to be officially named) was born sunday at 1pm, happy and healthy. i am so excited to see her in July!! pictures soon to follow...]

and "the world spins madly on..."

It's already been a week since graduation. I think the Weepies were onto something when they sang "the world spins madly on..."

I'm in the UP for the weekend at my Grandma's. This was possibly the best place for me to be this weekend--to reflect the end of college and to anticipate the "beginning of life" (not that it is only just starting but you know what I mean).

I met Jake in Wisconsin after work on Thursday and we drove till after 3 in the morning to get here. It was a great drive and a good chance to spend some time together catching up. We managed a few hours of sleep but couldn't really sleep the day away because Jake had to leave Friday night to be back in Wisconsin to shoot a wedding. It was more of a whirlwind trip for him--but so good even though brief.

We went out to Calumet Waterworks and walked along Lake Superior. There are few things more wonderful than enjoying the raw beauty of the world's "hidden places." The rocks, the birch bark scraps strewn across the sand, the lapping water, the soft breeze. There is something so breathtaking--so pure--about it. Such moments of enjoyment provoke deep thankfulness in me...an awareness of what a gift this life is and how remarkable the opportunity to enjoy and share it.

The reality of graduation is settling in. In other words, I find myself experiencing strange moments of sadness coupled with sudden moments of great excitement and unbridled joy. Life is so uncertain. Life is so "available" (open, unknown) and full of opportunity. Life is so unpredictable.

I've decided to spend time this summer intentionally placing myself at the feet of the Lord surrendering thoughts, dreams, hopes, and questions about life/future. The "in between" times of life (summers, breaks, etc.) have often been really hard but also full of remarkable growth and change. So, I sort of timidly and whole-hearted hopefully await what is to come :)

Graduation weekend was really wonderful. It was fast but good to have mom and dad around as well as good friends (got to spend time with sarah briefly and mariah a few extra days). Enjoy some pictures of the weekend! I'll try to put up pictures of the new place soon. We are getting more and more settled and I absolutely love how much it already feels like home. It is a blessed space for living and we are so thankful to God for his goodness in providing it. His faithfulness has been demonstrated in such tangible ways.

our home

i'm in the new place! it's lovely. we have a library. yes, it's true. sigh. once there are no boxes lying around i will take pictures to post. in the meantime, you just have to trust me. it's cute :)

the morning sun comes in through our living room windows and subsequently floods the kitchen floor with the perfect amount of sunlight. with tea and/or my bible and a book, this is soon to be a favorite spot. the neighborhood is wonderful. quiet, quaint, and lots of cute shops, restaurants, and small bars/pubs. i look forward to making this home for the year.

summer has started with a rush. this week has been so busy with packing, moving, cleaning, unpacking, etc., and work on top of all of that. but this weekend will be a nice break. i'm leaving thursday night to drop tiffany off in milwaukee and then meet jake in appleton for a drive up north to visit grandma. unfortunately he has to be back down to shoot a wedding on saturday but i'll stay up there until sunday when mom and dad can then drive me back down.

i am eager for a break from the city, the open road, the shores of lake superior, the good company :) aaaah. the perfect "true" start to the summer, in my opinion. i'm going to start my first book of summer reading (haven't decided what yet but i'll let you know).

i have to run--off to play for children all day.

Sleep, Where are You?

I'm so tired. So very, very tired. Next week I plan to sleep A LOT. aahh.

I've been so buried in writing papers and thinking and grading...whew. Yesterday my car was broken into and today I had to get the passenger window replaced. Life goes on :) It's been a difficult week as I am very nearly drained of energy--emotional, physical, spiritual. There is no way I would be able to keep on after this week but God has been faithful and gracious to help (miraculously) get me through these days. Jake has also been a huge help and encouragement. I am grateful. Tonight I can say that these are good days, even though I've been pressed and discouraged in many ways. This is the life I have right now and there is a lot about this time that is remarkable in its newness, possibility, and mystery.

I keep thinking back to the faithfulness of God. I can't ever seem to escape that one. He insists on branding my heart and soul with it.

Ok. Enough of a break for me--back to writing! I appreciate your prayers, friends...and so many encouraging texts and emails. Thank you!

"rock me mama like a wagon wheel..."

I love O.C.M.S., have I ever told you so?

I have been in this library since 12:30 this afternoon until now (7:30pm) except for a 35 min dinner break. ugh. Because my motivation is diminishing by the day, it takes me 2(3)x as long to get anything done. Bother...

I think now it's time for Mason Jennings.

For you to read tonight (or some other time)

First, I direct you to Hallie's blog because this post is beautiful and a definite "must read" :)

Second, I'd like to share these words from George MacDonald...

"Therefore, O Lord, when all things common seem,

When all is dust, and self the center clod,

When grandeur is a hopeless, foolish dream,

And anxious care more reasonable than God--

Out of the ashes I will call to thee--

In spite of dead distrust call earnestly:

O thou who livest, call, then answer dying me."

days like this

days like this make me want to run from the routine and shed the world for a little while.

hard conversations with friends and family can put things in perspective fast and "unexpectedly." yet another reminder or two that life is lived in moments: small, meaningful, intentional moments. these simple choices and "ordinary" experiences can carry eternal weight and life-long significance. i've been reminded how my words and actions matter--and how truly i need the grace to live in relationship with others.

i read psalm 139 yesterday morning and was delighted to drink in all its beauty while i sat on my bed for a quiet 30 minutes before diving back into the rush of this schedule i'm living right now. the last part of verse 18 is kind of incredible: "I awake, and I am still with you." ah, yes, how truly i experience this. sometimes it is startling to find yourself "still with him," isn't it? and i am grateful to know that his presence accompanies us as we journey. it would be entirely impossible for us to experience a satisfied life and live its never-ending mysteries without finding ourselves "still with" Him who is the one with us.

so, i feel bad for people who have to communicate with me on a regular basis these days (maybe that includes you since i try to write things out as i process...haha, lucky you). i'm pretty sure i'm the world's most frustrating person right now...i can't articulate anything, i'm tired all the time, my focus is shot, and my attention span has got to be less than that of a 4 year old. oh goodness. i keep thinking that come June i will find my "renewed self." i pray for it. i have great hopes of rest and recuperation for this summer...and i have started praying now...i can hardly wait :)

graduating from college is tough work. or maybe i just overloaded myself this semester. yep, that's probably it.

goodnight all!

Wisdom from Strangers

So I've had a phrase running through my mind off and on since wednesday night: "Comparison is the thief of Joy."

Jake and I went to see Over the Rhine at the Evanston S.P.A.C.E. last wednesday, one of my favorite venues in the area (realized I've been there three times before for Peter Mulvey x2 and David Wilcox). It's a great little back room with beautiful exposed brick and limited seating, which means the shows are personal and intimate. I love that I can see facial expressions and feel the movement of sound through the wood floor. It's small and it's wonderful.

It was a great show.

I don't know the name of the female member of the band but she's cool. I think we could be friends if we ever had the chance. I'm pretty sure she sees the world in story/song and I resonate with the "story" part of that, which is probably why I appreciate their style of music and composition so much. Hmm. Anyway, they're older now but she recently got her first tattoo: "comparison is the thief of joy." Yes, for a tattoo I find it a little cheesy but what the heck, most tattoos are some form of cheesy cliche in their own way, right? I tend to think so.

She only mentioned it in passing and i think the phrase is rather profound, whether or not you decide to ink yourself with it. How easily we fall prey to the task of comparing ourselves to others. Seriously. How often? All the time. We are an insecure people, unsure of ourselves with others and even unsure of ourselves before God. But I've been thinking about confidence, joy, and the definitive self-worth that each of us possesses. I'm thinking again today of human flourishing and what it means to be 1. made in the image of God and 2. conformed to the image of Christ.

Another small bit of wisdom from a stranger came in the form of a phrase spoken this morning in church: "We are formed by the habits we live." I've been doing some renewed thinking/praying about the life I live--the way I live it and with whom I live it. It matters, you know, how and with whom you live life. I'm realizing that many of the very significant figures in my life--those friends who have eternally impacted me, continue to speak into my soul and shape my life--are far away from me. It's hard, sometimes, to realize that.

Distance is hard. I am grateful, though, that mutual forming/shaping can happen from a distance and so we continue to share life, we just have to be a little more creative and intentional. I love that I can shoot out an email, send a quick text, or write a real letter asking for prayer, sharing life's questions, wondering faith's tensions, and exploring today's joys and sorrows. Community and human flourishing. We become more and more aware as we live, I think, that there is a certain vibrancy that embeds our existence when we share it truthfully/wholly with others. To be authentically human is to be conformed to the image of Christ. We are most alive when we are committed to His kingdom "charter." God himself lives in community--a threefold name and life.

I sort of feel like I'm babbling now. Sigh. I will stop. Maybe some of that makes sense. But maybe it doesn't. Oh well. I need to get homework done. This week is going to be crazy. We got the keys to the apartment yesterday so on top of everything else we will be taking loads of stuff over there...oh goodness, these busy, busy days. But they are so good. Oh so good. I am very grateful for these busy good days :)

Ellen's Garden

Today I played baseball in the backyard with C. We had exhausted a game of indoor “hockey” (light sabers and a bouncy ball) and he had put on his baseball pajamas hours earlier for the express purpose of “playing the game.” It was a little warmer today and the leaves on the trees have reached that extraordinary shade of bright fresh green. Ah, life again.
Through the backyard gate I could see Ellen’s garden. On certain fall evenings, while out there swinging with the kids, she would invite us over for a bit to play with Jasmine, the German Shepherd. The kids would pick tomatoes off the vines. I would watch their enthusiasm when the small red, yellow, and orange gems were spotted. Spring now finds her garden full of tulips, daffodils and, yes—I noticed them today—bleeding hearts. They remind me of Papa and Grandma’s and summer in the U.P. I don’t know why but they do. I miss picking raspberries with Papa out back or sneaking them when I thought he wasn’t looking but he was up on the deck the whole time ready to point me out. I hope I can get up there this summer…
I picked up my cap and gown today. Is it really happening? Graduation? With 8+ papers to go and a hefty 500+ pages of reading, I wonder how it is possible. But somehow it will get done, right? It has to…
I can hardly believe I’ll be leaving this place. I don’t feel like I’ve been able to process anything much lately. I seem too busy to think about what’s happening. All of a sudden it will be June…or July…and I will wonder where Moody went.
In some ways life is so unpredictable, isn’t it? Things happen that we never expected would or things don’t happen that we believed would. Sigh. I’ve been reminded in new ways how I need Him. I’m prone to forget His faithfulness. Less so right now, it seems, but only right now. In many moments of these days I have been made to sense His committed faithfulness in ways that makes me quiet. Oh how completely involved He is in relationship with us—moving, waiting, talking, quiet, watching, touching…and how patient in His steadfast love. We are a privileged people to have Him journey with us.
Next year (or life, for that matter) seems so big. It isn’t really. It’s just another year; another year to live, love, walk, believe, discover, hope, dream, fail, fall, learn, grow…Every season is special in its own way. We can’t help but look back, look forward, look around, and compare/analyze. But each season is significant and beautiful and ought to be lived. That’s what I want for the “going out” of this one and the “entering into” a new one. I want to live. I want to be honest with life and experience it as it is. This demands grace. Oh, how utterly grateful I am that I live with (and for) the One who has given grace upon grace. I am eager to live my life—tomorrow, next week, next year. It’s unpredictable and yet it sort of isn’t…Weird, huh? This place has taught me much about the beautiful weight of life, without making it a cumbersome thing to bear. It’s a funny tension. It’s an honest tension. It’s the now but not yet. I think we are left praying, “thy kingdom come, thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven…” or something to that effect.

these days

these are good days. busy, but good. exhausting, but good. i wouldn't trade them for anything i just wish i didn't have so much on my plate. sigh.

yesterday i spent the day out at Wheaton. it was a timely "relief" from life here--just so good to get away for a little while. melissa and i talked, napped, prayed, studied, laughed, and talked some more. i miss those sweet times of fellowship with her. our conversations are always so invigorating, encouraging, and challenging. there's something so beautiful about sitting across from a friend listening to thoughts of God, life, faith, friends, hope, and truth. there's something incredibly meaningful about having friends with whom we can share some of life's deepest struggles--like why belief, how belief, etc., and then come away with an even richer commitment to the Lord and delight in life.

i laid in a sunny spot on the grass for awhile yesterday and thought and prayed. i'm grateful for time and space like that in the midst of a busy end-of-year schedule.

i was able to attend the evening session of the Theological Lectureship because it was open to the public. So I got to hear N.T. Wright after all! I appreciated much of what he said. I can't articulate it now, there are too many thoughts in my head to try to express them meaningfully. plus I'd rather not just regurgitate but wrestle with some of the things said...
Jake and I talked about Wright's lecture a bit on the way home--another good conversation about honest wrestlings in this "world of theology." I'm so grateful for people to talk things out with. I know I've said it before but maybe its worth mentioning every time??...We are a gifted people to know community and share life with others!

i just need to sit and be and rest. so i look forward to the morning. i look forward to the studies of the day. i look forward to a new week of life. these are good days.

the 15th

Tomorrow is the 15th of April. I graduate on the 15th of May. There are a lot of different thoughts and emotions living in me these days. It's a lot to process. I wish I had a long afternoon to just spend sitting somewhere...The weeks go by so fast and the weekends even faster. This weekend is Wheaton to visit Mel. I guess I have train time, that will be nice. Sigh.

It's been a great week. I've been stopped to consider, in new ways, God's gift of life and the beauty of it shared. Today on the way to work the sun was so warm and there were many birds singing in the trees. Spring has brought the world alive again and I am so grateful for a new season.

As much as I feel like I can't sleep--with mind, heart, and emotions working so hard--I really ought to. So goodnight, all. Enjoy this April day :)

five year old boys

today on the way home from school:

M: "my dad is a bird hunter."
*silence*
Me: "What kind of birds does he hunt?"
M: "I don't know. He goes to the place where you can hunt birds and he shoots them."
C: "I hunt foxes in my backyard sometimes."
Me: "You do?"
C: "Yeah, in the back garden."
M: *gasp* "You shouldn't kill nature!"
C: "I only shoot the bad ones."
Me: "What makes them bad?"
C: "They bite you and kill you."
M: "Yeah, they bite you and give you things that make you sick."
C: "I stand on my back deck with my gun and kill them."
M: "Next time, you should stand farther back and use a bazooka. That's the most powerful gun in the world!"

later on while eating snack at the kitchen table:

C: "(so-and-so) is really cool."
M: "Is he cooler than me?"
C (holds thumb and index finger a little bit apart): "A tiny bit cooler."
M: "Than me?"
C: "Ok. No, you are very very cool. He's just cool."

oh man, watching these boys play today was hysterical. they dressed up like characters from star wars and ran around upstairs shrieking because the remote control R2D2 was "chasing" them...

i've been missing sam so much lately. i know what you are going to say, Kristen...I should just move to virginia :) but i'm afraid that isn't going to happen. maybe a visit soon? I'll try to find someone that might want to make the drive with me some weekend in May.

alright all, hope that was good comic relief. back to grading...

missing family and homesick for the west

maybe the reality of "staying here" for awhile is finally setting in. anticipating the change to an illinois drivers license and registering my car with illinois plates, i find myself growing increasingly nostalgic.

because of all this, yesterday afternoon found me flipping through old pictures and missing my wonderful family.












Although, I should say that there definitely are things about the midwest that I am beginning to love...
and life here is becoming my own. actually, that's probably why I feel nostalgic. life is so good.

sickness and sleeplessness

even though i went to bed at 1am after a very fun but very sick-feeling evening, I CAN'T SLEEP PAST SIX?!! uuugh. this is so frustrating.

last night was JSB, then a bonfire down at P.P. (kicked out by police), then slacklining in Lincoln Park (kicked out by police). remind me why i live in the city again, where you get kicked out of public parks by 11pm?

not having slacklined in a little over 7 months, my love is reawakened (a little rusty though). i can't turn anymore, Luke! bah. I thought of you, Callie, and missed this summer and the mountains and everything, and YOU!

it was super fun. a little overwhelming because i didn't have the energy for it and wanted to but, what can you do. from dinner on i was a mix of dizzy and nauseous.

there was an obvious emphasis yesterday on the fact that there are only five weeks of school left. aaaaaahh. crazy, man. i have so much to do. i think i'm coming to terms with two important realities this weekend: 1. i'm not going to get it all done 2. i'm ok with that (because, lets face it, i have to be, right?!). so today is my "sit down and prioritize/figure what i can and can't get done," etc.

last night was a foretaste of summer driving with good music and the windows down--one of my all time favorite things. Hallie, remember that spring break when we were enjoying just such things and you ramped the median? hahaa. good memory.

alright. here's to sunday and rest. hope your day is blessed, friends!

today

the sun is out. oh thank you, mr. sun, for coming out. uplifting in so many ways. on top of that, in my half awake state this morning, i saw the toy story tattoos tacked on my bulletin board and thought, "oh my gosh, today is the day. at breakfast with whitney, we are tattooing it up...in honor of friday. and the weekend. and surviving. and friendship. and...?" So thank you, Callie, for those valentine tattoos. Happy day.

lately I can hardly get out of my head how much I would love to go to Montana. Certain of the city buses are plastered with ads for Glacier. seriously? sigh. mountains, lakes, clean air. aaahh. It reminds me of small brown bags of flathead lake cherries, mountain goats, hidden glacier-melt lakes, and canoeing through the smoke of summer fires. I miss Montana. I miss mountains.

does anyone else feel like they are losing motivation by the day?! i feel like it's just leaking out of me. "oh! well, there goes some more..." uuugh. i'm ready for a break. i'm ready to read a few novels--and other books that have been on "my list" for awhile now.

OH! and I got the car. wahoo!!! It will be here April 30th, thanks to my wonderful parents. you know what I can hardly wait for? summer driving with the windows down and road trip mixes blaring. bring on the summer days! and free movie nights in the park. and farmer's markets. and peter mulvey. oh, and a visit from my brother with (hopefully) some sibling rock climbing. there is much to look forward to...

alright, i have to go write this paper asap. sigh.

themes and such

I'm up in Joe's and I should probably be working on homework. But sometimes I feel like that is all I ever do and I am fed up with it. So instead, in the next 30 minutes before work, I have decided to write.

First, I'd like to recap Lent before the season drifts by, forgotten until next year. Although, this year I dare say it will be a little harder to do because God has been serious in his teaching of me. So serious in quiet little ways. Why does God teach some of the most significant things to us in simple, hushed, seemingly "unimportant" ways? Pay attention to those little things, they just might turn out to be really important in the end.

There was a night oh so many weeks ago on which I lay in bed wondering how to enter the Lenten season. Worry was a theme of that week and I was tired of spending my energy struggling over things unworthy of so much thought time. So I gave up worry for Lent. Weird, I thought, because there is no way to "give up" something like worry. Without going into the meticulous details of the days and weeks that followed, I'll just say that they were a remarkable mixture of beauty and frustration. I learned a little bit more about myself--and humanity, even--and lived with the Lord the in's and out's of Lent learning in new ways what it means to 1. be human 2. be in relationship with God 3. be sinful.

I have a class right now on the healing ministry of Christ. It's been such an interesting study. I think we can approach a "topical" study like that with ideas of how it will turn out--what will be learned, discovered, and revealed. It's been different than I thought. I've been overwhelmed to discover in the Gospels (and through extra-biblical study) that Christ's ministry was, perhaps above all, so remarkable because of the rich themes of reconciliation, redemption, and restoration that evidence themselves in understandings of "the kingdom of God" and "Sabbath," etc. The significance of Jesus' words is inextricably linked to the beauty of his work. So when he teaches us to pray the Lord's prayer, then, the weight and richness of meaning is suddenly "new."

I don't know, this is hugely encouraging to me. It was, too, as I wrestled my way through Lent, increasingly aware of 1. his remarkable self 2. my need of that remarkable self.

Holy Week was exceptionally powerful this year. I know I've mentioned before that as I get older, these holidays gain in their lived importance for me. I went to a Good Friday service at 4th Presbyterian. It was a beautiful service and I remember sitting there in that rather uncomfortable and stuffy cathedral-style hall thinking about how much we need Him--how necessary his death was and how desperate the hope and belief that he would rise again. In fact, listening to the bells toll thirty-three times (one for each year of his life) felt like an eternity of thinking on this. This made Easter almost unbearable in its joy. This year I actually lived the newness provided through His death and resurrection.

Is the life of the world without death because he was "victorious over death"? Is there no more suffering because He suffered for us, to end it? Are our lives free of sin and shame because He died a shameful death and bore our sins for us?
What a painful mystery that we look around us and see/hear a resounding, "NO!" The life of the world still experiences death and it rips families apart, tortures people groups, and shreds nations. There is suffering every day in and through relationships, disease, lies, and violence (obviously there is a more extensive list). We are caught in webs of sin--systems of sin--that won't let us out. The result is often shame, discouragement, even despair.

So what, then? What about that death and that resurrection?

I've been thinking about those themes again. Reconciliation, redemption, and restoration. These themes are all over Creation and they stepped into Creation when Jesus walked the earth. The incarnation was God taking on our condition--stepping into the web and the system of brokenness from without, because that's the only way to stop it. We desperately need something from without to step in--break in. He did that. He provided a way that would make possible the reconciliation, redemption, and restoration of the world. And that's what He's doing--that's what we are doing in and through Him, agents of hope and compassion. One day this shall all be made right.

Giving up worry settled me into a place of realized need. It was an interesting place come Holy Week when I began to realize deeper and deeper why it was so necessary that He came and died--and now lives and works.

I've thought of Hopkins' words much this week,"The world is charged with the grandeur of God. It will flame out, like shining from shook foil..."

Confession(s)

1. knitting on spring days is a wonderful distraction from other responsibilities :)

2. a cookies and cream ice cream bar on a warm spring evening is equally as wonderful, in its own way.

3. i need a break from the city. in other words, i really hope i am able to find a car before summer begins so that i have the option of driving out and away every now and again.

4. i wish there was a mountain in my backyard.

5. i miss tucson.

6. thunderstorms thrill me in a way nothing else does. they are spectacular.

7. i love walking in the rain with chacos.

8. i am hoping for a summer road-trip.

9. i bought Sandra McCracken's new hymns cd, In Feast or Fallow.

10. daffodils are my "happiest flower." i love them so very much. thank you, Trader Joe's, for $1.49 bundles of bright yellow to brighten up my days!!

also, a few pictures from our Easter celebration:

sometimes the beautiful can't be named

there's something about these days that can't quite be named. but its beautiful (hmm...echoes of a peter mulvey song, i think). seriously, though. i am all caught up in things that can't be named: thoughts, questions, wonderings, emotions, and yes, even worries (remind me to tell you sometime about Lent and worry. there's a rich story there...). i find myself sort of reveling in the frustrating mystery of it all with the encouraging (but often unrelentingly "quiet") presence of God. i believe, probably more than ever, that there is something to be said for steeping ourselves in the Lord. just being with or near Him is a remarkable work of grace. i think we underestimate it sometimes. i know i'm grateful for moments with Him snatched here and there throughout the day--enjoying the new green leaves bursting from winter hiding, drinking in bright sunshine, hearing the warm laughter of new (and old) friends, praying into the dark before drifting to sleep (or early morning journaling/reading when sleep is impossible), smiling at strangers on the EL or the regular "hello" and "how are you" exchanged with the homeless man that collects his coins outside the post office. These things are simple but delightful. this is life, friends! many, many moments all squished together. how will we live them? we only have one life to live...

life is sopping with newness after the refreshment of Easter. have you felt it?

He Lives

Not the Kingdom of Death

"Christ is risen!

We give thanks for the gift of Easter

that runs beyond our explanations,

beyond our categories of reason,

even more, beyond the sinking sense of our own live.

We know about the powers of death,

powers that persist among us,

powers that drive us from you, and

from our neighbor, and

from our best selves.

We know about the powers of fear and greed and anxiety,

and brutality and certitude.

powers before which we are helpless.

And then you...you at dawn, unquenched,

you in the darkness,

you on Saturday,

you who breaks the world to joy.

Yours is the kingdom...not the kingdom of death,

Yours is the power...not the power of death,

Yours is the glory...not the glory of death.

Yours...You...and we give thanks

for the newness beyond our achieving.

Amen."

(Walter Brueggemann, Easter Tuesday/April 25, 2000)

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"Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, 'We have seen the Lord.' But he said to them, 'Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.'

Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, 'Peace be with you.' Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.' Thomas answered him, 'My Lord and my God!' Jesus said to him, 'Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'

Not Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book, but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name."

-John 20:24-31

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A few Easter thoughts... :)

Today He reminds me (us) of his power over death. He broke the arms of death--arms that could not hold him--and shattered the power of darkness. And instead, He embraces us with his arms and infuses the darkness of this world with light. We need His newness. We are ready for newness. We are grateful for newness, and life.

He is a God of remarkable surprises. He is the One with no odds against Him to keep his vision of redemption at bay. All things will be made new and made right.

"What language shall I borrow

To thank thee, dearest friend,

For this thy dying sorrow,

Thy pity without end?

O make me thine forever;

And should I fainting be,

Lord, let me never, never

Outlive my love to thee."

-Attr. Bernard of Clairvaux

The Terrible Silencing we Cannot Master

Holy God who hovers daily round us in fidelity and compassion,

this day we are mindful of another, dread-filled hovering,

that of the power of death before which we stand

thin and needful.

All our days, we are mindful of the pieces of our lives

and the parts of your world

that are on the loose in destructive ways.

We notice that wildness midst our fear and our anger unresolved.

We mark it in a world of brutality and poverty and hunger

all around us.

We notice all our days.

But on this day of all days,

that great threat looms so large and powerful.

It is not for nothing

that we tremble at these three hours of darkness

and the raging earthquake.

It is not for nothing

that we have a sense of our helplessness

before the dread power of death that has broken loose

and that struts against our interest and even against our will.

Our whole life is not unlike the playground in the village,

lovely and delightful and filled with squeals unafraid,

and then we remember the silencing

of all those squeals in death,

and we remember the legions of Kristy's

that are swept away in a riddle too deep for knowing.

Our whole life is like that playground

and on this dread-filled Friday we pause before

the terrible silencing we cannot master.

So we come in our helpless candor this day...

remembering, giving thanks, celebrating...

but not for one instant unmindful of dangers too ominous

and powers too sturdy and threats well beyond us.

We turn eventually from our hurt for children losts.

We turn finally from all our unresolved losses

to the cosmic grief at the loss of Jesus.

We recall and relive that wrenching Friday

when the hurt cut to your heart.

We see in that terrible hurt, our losses

and your full embrace of loss and defeat.

We dare pray while the darkness descends

and the earthquake trembles,

we dare pray for eyes to see fully

and mouths to speak fully the power of death all around,

we dare pray for a capacity to notice unflinching

that in our happy playgrounds other children die,

and grow silent,

we pray more for your notice and your promise

and your healing.

Our only urging on Friday is that you live this as we must

impacted but not destroyed,

dimmed but not quenched.

For your great staying power

and your promise of newness we praise you.

It is in your power

and your promise that we take our stand this day.

We dare trust that Friday is never the last day,

so we watch for the new day of life.

Hear our prayer and be your full self toward us.

Amen.

(Walter Brueggemann, Good Friday//1991)

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"Now from the sixth hour there was darkness over all the land until the ninth hour. And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, 'Eli, Eil, lema sabachthani?' that is, 'My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?'" Mt 27:45-46